Love, intimacy, it’s what we all want. In any relationship, no matter the length, one thing stands in the way of this beautiful love: Communication!
Perhaps when you try to communicate with your partner, you may find that you don’t feel heard, misunderstand each other, or the conversation becomes tense or conflictual.
When we understand what blocks healthy communication, we can create an environment where we can listen well, respond respectfully, and feel closer. Ultimately, create that blissful love feeling!
As mental health professionals, when couples come to their first therapy session, we start the therapeutic process by understanding their family history, coping strategies for stress, and issues they face in day to day life along with a list of other things to create a treatment plan.
While this blog is not as in depth as an in person counseling or talk therapy, you can use these therapeutic questions below to gain insight in your communication style, thoughts, immediate responses and feelings when you and your spouse communicate. We wrote this blog with the intention that as you answer these open ended questions, you will either find (for the first time) or rekindle the love you shared. Let’s Dive In!
Take a measurement
Before we dive into these therapeutic questions we want you to understand how connected you currently feel on a scale of 1-10? You both should write that number down (without showing each other). Whatever your number is, can you imagine if it doubled or tripled? Well, we are here to tell you that it definitely can and will with our group therapy questions!
How should we use these therapeutic questions?
-
Create a ritual: At the same time each day, make a pot of tea or another soothing drink and find a comfortable, quiet place to sit. Light a candle, give each other a hug and a smile, and begin a conversation.
-
(Every Night/ Morning) You will both ask each other ten questions and then the next day, you will move on to the next section and repeat.
-
Remember to be open, respectful, and non-judgmental.
We Hear Each Other, But Are We Listening?
“The problem with communication is the illusion it has occurred.” – George Bernard Shaw
In the 7 years we have worked as a couple’s therapist, the most common goal we hear from a couple in the first therapy session is we need to improve our communication. They often state that they don’t feel listened to or understood.
Related Reading: The Secret Formula To Talk & Be Heard In A Relationship
As we explore their communication style, I generally find the problem is how they send and receive messages. Hearing is not listening. We can all hear things without listening, but when we pay attention to what we hear, we are actually listening.
I am sure that, like most couples, you have had the experience of telling your partner something only to ask, “Are you listening to me?” Often, the response is, “Yes, of course, I’m listening, you said. . .” and, of course, having your words regurgitated back to you tells you that you were heard but does not necessarily mean you were listened to.
A Common Scenario With Couples
Here is a common occurrence in a therapy session, one partner might say, “I was telling Jim how stressed out I am about finances right now, and he kept reading his phone.” Then Jim responds, “Yes, Janet, and when you asked if I was listening, I said, yes, I heard you say you were stressed out about money.”
I then would ask Janet how she would have liked Jim to respond, and she will say, “I would have liked it if he had put the phone down and looked at me while I was speaking so that I would know he was listening and cared about how I feel.”
There are numerous blocks to healthy, productive communication, and in this case, Jim blocked it by not making eye contact and appearing distracted. Unfortunately, Janet did not feel listened to, validated, or connected to Jim.
Why does bad communication habits cause relationship problems?
Problems can arise because of how a message is interpreted. For instance, if in the therapy session above, Jim says, “I asked Janet if it was okay for me to golf on Saturday, and she clearly wasn’t okay with that.” And then Janet responds, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I said it was fine.”
If I asked Jim what made him think she wasn’t okay with it, and he would respond with, “Well, she gave me this really curt answer and walked away, so it was clear she wasn’t okay with it.”
In a case like this, I would explore whether or not Jim interpreted Janet correctly. She might have really meant it was fine, and he assumed otherwise, or she might have said one thing and felt another, which was conveyed by her tone, attitude, facial expressions, and actions.
If your words are not in line with what you convey non-verbally, or your partner misinterprets what is heard, you risk creating resentment and frustration, leading to a disconnect in your relationship.
The following open ended questions focus on identifying any blocks to effective communication to ensure it’s clear, effective, and healthy, not eroding your love for each other.
Therapy Questions To Understand How We Communicate
Below are a few therapy questions to ask, take turns answering each one:
-
Do you ever feel that I am argumentative regardless of what you bring up?
-
Do you ever feel that I just tune you out?
-
Do I ever change the subject or make a joke when you are speaking?
-
Do you ever feel that I am thinking about what I am going to say next instead of really listening?
-
When we are arguing, do I bring up issues from the past instead of focusing on the present?
-
Does it seem like I always have to be right?
-
Do I ever jump in and give you advice while you are speaking?
-
Do I ever misinterpret what you are saying and insist you mean something else?
-
Do you ever feel like I’m judging you while you speak?
-
Do I ever seem to agree with you just to change the subject or make everything okay?
That’s It! Now, give each other a hug and a thank you for taking the time to focus on each other and improve the connection in your relationship. For extra credit, ask each other:
-
How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-
How did it feel to share answers
-
Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-
What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-
How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
What are some therapeutic questions to help with conflict?
All couples have conflict, but some can remain respectful while others attack each other with critical, judgmental, and contemptuous words. Addressing how you cope with conflict in your relationship will help you do so constructively and caringly.
“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.” -Unknown
Conflict is an unavoidable part of any relationship. The key is to be able to handle a conflict with a healthy attitude and in a constructive manner. If you think about a recent conflict with your partner, would you say you could express your thoughts and feelings respectfully without becoming critical and mean?
Did you listen to your partner’s point of view and find a way to stay calm and compromise? And afterward, did you each say or do something that demonstrated your love and care for each other? If so, you have successfully managed conflict without harming your relationship.
In contrast, if you became judgmental, critical, or contemptuous, you most likely found that you did not accomplish anything positive. Instead, you chipped away at any closeness and connection in your relationship.
You will feel that kind of conflict in your heart and your gut if the messages you get from your partner are: “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” “I am more powerful,” and “I have no interest in your point of view.” This feeling is why most couples start seeking therapy.
Hence why in most couple’s first therapy session, I explain the difference between a complaint, a critical comment, and, worse yet, a contemptuous comment.
A complaint simply expresses to your partner that you are unhappy about something.
Criticism expresses that you disapprove of them.
Contempt communicates that you think they are worthless.
Needless to say, feeling disapproved of or worthless is very destructive to a relationship.
What is the difference between complaint and contempt?
The following is an example of one partner expressing unhappiness that the other partner has not helped with the dishes. Read each one and note the difference between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt.
Complaint: Honey, I’m disappointed you haven’t offered to help me with the dishes all week.
Criticism: It’s been really selfish of you not to help me with the dishes all week.
Contempt: As usual, you’ve been selfish and lazy all week and haven’t even noticed all the work I do around here.
The following questions focus on understanding the difference between a complaint, a criticism, and contempt to create a respectful and constructive approach to dealing with conflict in your relationship.
Therapy Questions To Understand How We Navigate Conflict
Below are a few therapy questions to ask, take turns answering each one:
-
When we have a conflict, do you ever find me disrespectful?
-
Have I ever made you feel foolish, worthless, or disapproved of?
-
Would you say that I can stay calm when we have conflict or that I escalate easily?
-
Do you ever feel that I am judging you?
-
Do you find that I listen to your point of view, or do I jump in quickly with my opinion?
-
Are you able to express a complaint or make a request without my getting upset?
-
Do you think that we generally resolve things well?
-
Do you believe we are good at having a conflict, calming down, and feeling close again?
-
Do you think that having a conflict has ever helped us make positive changes in our relationship?
-
Is there anything I can do to make our conflicts less difficult?
That’s It! Now, give each other a hug and a thank you for taking the time to focus on each other and improve the connection in your relationship. For extra credit, ask each other:
-
How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-
How did it feel to share answers
-
Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-
What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-
How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
What are some therapeutic questions to help with defensiveness?
In the previous conversation, you discussed how to have conflict without attacking each other, but there may still be times when you experience your partner’s comments as attacks and become defensive. Unfortunately, defensiveness sabotages communication; therefore, once you are aware of the defense mechanism you use, you can avoid doing so and instead hear your partner, feel your feelings, and express them clearly and respectfully.
“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible we are, but how we deal with incompatibility.” -Daniel Goleman
In today’s therapeutic questions, we will address what can happen if you do feel attacked. Naturally, you do whatever you can to avoid emotional or physical pain. Just as you would run for cover if you saw a bear along a hiking trail, you will find a way to run for cover if you sense the emotional threat of an attack from your partner.
Avoidance, Denial, & Acting Out Explained
You are likely to use one or more defense mechanisms to protect yourself: avoidance, denial, and/or acting out. For example, let’s say your partner is upset that you forgot about a planned date night. If avoidance is your defense mechanism, you might just change the subject.
With denial, you might insist that you were never told about the date night. And if you act out, you might get outraged and accuse your partner of never being happy about anything.
In each of these examples, your defensiveness is an attempt to keep from feeling something uncomfortable or emotionally painful, such as, “I’m a terrible partner,” or, “I can’t ever make my partner happy.” Although these defensive behaviors might make you feel emotionally safe, they sabotage any hope of closeness, growth, and connection in your relationship.
It may be that you are actually being attacked, or it may only be your perception, but ideally, you should be able to hear what your partner is saying, tolerate any uncomfortable feelings that come up, and address the situation respectfully.
Although you may use different defense mechanisms in different situations, you will generally use one that was modeled in your family of origin.
The following questions focus on identifying the defense mechanism you typically use so that you can let go of that and, instead, really hear your partner, feel your feelings, and express them clearly and respectfully.
Therapy Questions To Understand Your Defensiveness
Below are a few therapy questions to ask, take turns answering each one:
-
When you bring things up to me, do I ever avoid you by getting quiet, ignoring you, or distracting myself with things like TV, food, or shopping?
-
Do I ever deny there is a problem by acting like nothing happened, doing something to change my mood, or not following through on what you ask of me?
-
When we have a problem, do I ever act out by becoming argumentative right away, criticizing you, or becoming demanding?
-
Has the defense mechanism that I use ever hurt you?
-
Have you ever tried to point these behaviors out to me?
-
Has my defensiveness kept us from resolving certain issues in our relationship?
-
To reduce my defensiveness, would you be open to my letting you know if I feel attacked?
-
Do you ever feel attacked by me when we have a conflict?
-
If so, do you think that you use the defense mechanisms of avoidance, denial, or acting out?
-
Is there something that I can do to help you hear me without feeling attacked?
That’s It! Now, give each other a hug and a thank you for taking the time to focus on each other and improve the connection in your relationship. For extra credit, ask each other:
-
How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other?
-
How did it feel to share answers?
-
Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-
What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-
How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Can we build rapport through counseling questions?
Whether you’re seeking your first therapy session or have ever been in therapy for years, you probably know that a mental health professional, will ask what could be thought of as vague questions. If you’re in a therapeutic relationship, know that open-ended questions keep the conversation flowing and encourage clients to explore their thoughts, feelings, and experiences more deeply.
Now you have the opportunity to do the same thing with your partner. The good news is you don’t need a master’s degree to leverage the counseling questions above all you need is active listening skills! We are excited for you to gain a better understanding of how to connect with your partner.
Related Reading: 71 At Home Couples Therapy Questions for Igniting Passion
Conclusion
SimplyMidori, alongside other mental health professionals (who specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy), designed these therapy questions to ask each other. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a goal-oriented therapeutic approach that addresses and modifies negative thinking patterns and behaviors to promote positive mental health outcomes.
These open-ended questions, are solution-focused and designed to produce vulnerability and reveal our true selves to each other. These therapy questions are all about creating a meaningful conversation!
True communication creates vulnerability. Communication is hindered when we are misinterpreted or misinterpret what we hear. In these moments, communication requires that we open up and acknowledge that we are hurt or did the hurting.
