The first step to improving your communication with your partner is for each person to understand their own emotions and each other’s, what they mean, and what is triggering them. We will start by taking a closer look at our emotions and what they mean. Most of us are familiar with some basic emotions we can easily identify when experiencing or seeing others experiencing them.
Some of those basic emotions, for example, include happiness, sadness, and anger. But if you dive deeper into those feelings and their sensations, you can begin to pinpoint the more specific emotions experienced by you or your partner.
Why am I not heard when I communicate?
Whenever you’re feeling anger (click to learn how to navigate your anger) or see someone else experiencing the same or similar emotions, what is their natural response? For many people, if you see someone expressing anger, the immediate response is to back up.
Physically and mentally. It’s an instinct that we all have to protect ourselves. And, if we don’t lean towards “flight,” many of us will either shut down or, if we too are involved in an emotionally tense situation, we may begin to experience anger.
This is our fight, flight, or freeze mechanism at work.
It’s a stress response that we all have to keep us safe. But this isn’t the only way to process our emotions. It’s certainly not the place from which we should process and interpret the emotions of others.
Related Reading: 9 Reasons Your Communication Sucks
How do my emotions affect my communication?
Suppose we dive deeper and consider a broader spectrum of emotions. In that case, we may often find that someone who is displaying an emotion like anger is actually embarrassed, shameful, or feeling incompetent in themselves in some way.
By understanding this, we are far better suited to interpret the behaviors of others with empathy and understanding, which will more likely lead to an actual solution.
A different part of our brain is stimulated when we learn about what’s really causing the emotions that someone is displaying. We can think clearly, becoming less likely to take that person’s words or actions personally.
Instead, we may think to ourselves, “This isn’t as bad as I think it is. I can hear and connect with this other emotion and on this other level.”
In other words, the emotions at the root of someone’s behavior — the ones that are really driving them, not the ones that they’re displaying — are often easier to lean into and connect with rather than what someone is saying or doing at face value, like “I’m so mad right now” or, “this is all your fault.”
When we see aggression come across and the person begins lashing out and yelling or hitting things, it becomes more difficult to connect as effectively, oftentimes out of fear for our safety.
This, of course, is very useful in situations where the other person does pose a real threat to your safety. But more often than not, we tend to interpret relatively safe situations with the same urgency or sense of defensiveness. Once that happens, the communication breakdown is not far off.
Do You Know What Triggers You?
For this reason, the next step after identifying emotions is to understand what triggers them — for both you and your partner. Triggers are external factors that prompt a specific emotional response.
For example, let’s say you have a lot on your mind, and you’re barely keeping it together. You’re feeling like nothing is going your way. Then, at work, your boss reprimands you for something you didn’t do or in a way that you don’t deserve. This interaction may trigger the fear that all of those negative emotions you’re experiencing are your fault; it may be the breaking point that leads you to express yourself in a less-than-composed manner.
Or, to use a more pertinent example, if your partner is attempting to communicate how your actions have made them feel, and you respond by getting defensive or deflecting, you may trigger a response of feeling unseen or unheard, which manifests as anger or frustration.
It’s important to understand these triggers and the role they might be playing in your communication with your partner. As evidenced by this example, these external factors often come into play whenever you attempt to find a moment of clarity or are trying to figure out what to do and what to say.
They add fuel to the fire and exponentially compound the difficulty you have when trying to express yourself, connect with your partner, and have that already difficult conversation.
In many cases, these external circumstances become a crutch that you might use to justify throwing in the towel and giving up on pursuing the conversation.
Related Reading: Understanding The Buzzword Trigger
How to understand your your emotions as a strength.
But honoring your partner and really understanding what might be going on for them starts with getting clear on your own emotions. Identifying and beginning to understand your triggers and the external factors that may have affected your behavior in one situation or another involves taking some time on your own to reflect on what you might be feeling when you sense your shame or hurt turning into anger, and what may have triggered those emotions.
You can do this in your head or say them out loud to help you accept that you are feeling a deeper emotion like shame or embarrassment. Sometimes, this can really take some time to process.
Many of us admit this is a huge hit to our pride or ego. We see ourselves as strong, independent individuals, and realizing that, in reality, we’re experiencing these softer, more vulnerable emotions can be hard to deal with.
In a society that champions qualities like “strength” and “resilience,” it’s a normal reaction to be almost disgusted by these kinds of emotions when they arise in us; no one wants to feel or be perceived as “weak.”
But accepting these feelings in yourself with honesty and without judgment makes it easier to express yourself with your partner and make the connection that will help you push through a difficult conversation with a sense that you’re on the same team.
If you’re unable to accept it and hear it for yourself, just know that it will be even harder for your partner to hear you and understand where you’re coming from.
This is especially the case considering that, by suppressing these more vulnerable emotions, we are more likely to lean into those other, more aggressive emotions like anger or frustration, which very rarely lead you and your partner to any kind of productive solution.
By understanding your emotions, what’s beneath them, and what triggers them, then sharing them, you and your partner take the first steps towards creating a space in which you both feel safe and comfortable representing yourselves honestly and effectively.
What can I do to develop communication skills?
I want you to take a moment and think about the most recent difficult conversation or argument you’ve had. Think about some of the emotions you experienced. Ask yourself the following questions:
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How was I honestly feeling?
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Was I feeling incompetent about the type of partner I am?
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Was I upset that I didn’t know what to say or do to move the conversation forward or make my partner feel happy?
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Was I feeling embarrassed, humiliated, disrespected, or disappointed by the situation?
Take some time to answer these questions, identify the emotions you experienced and jot down the feelings that came up for you. This is just for you, so be as honest with yourself as you can — even if it’s a little uncomfortable.
Now that you’ve had some time to think about some of the different emotions you were experiencing and write about them, I want you to think about any triggers that may have played a part in those feelings.
Reflect back on your day leading up to that moment. Was there anything going on in the day that may have affected how you showed up in the disagreement?
Maybe there was some bad traffic. Perhaps, you were hungry. You were tired. Were there certain things your partner said that led you to feel angry?
When you’ve completed the exercise, consider asking your partner to do the same thing for the same experience. Once they have, try talking about the situation with your newfound understanding of what was happening for you both. That’s all for now. Join us in the next blog, where we’ll move on to expressing your emotions.
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