The Missing Link to Deeper Intimacy Revealed!
And this is one of the major questions of our lives: how we keep boundaries, what permission we have to cross boundaries, and how we do so.
What is a boundary in relationship?
Irrespective of your gender, safety is a fundamental prerequisite for feeling and expressing emotions appropriately. A valuable initial step towards bolstering your sense of emotional security might be to embrace the renowned quote by Robert Frost:
“Good fences make good neighbors.”
Properly established and maintained healthy boundaries provide a sense of security and shield you from being swamped by your own emotions or those of others. Boundaries serve as a protective shield, allowing you and others to experience your emotions in the moment freely.
They significantly reduce feelings of violation, offense, abuse, or exhaustion. Furthermore maintaining healthy boundaries foster more transparent communication and deepen emotional connections with those you care about or collaborate with.
Healthy boundaries are metaphorical markers you set, whether in the grains of sand, the fibers of a carpet, the expanse of the sky, within your soul, your body, or your life. Healthy boundaries establish limits that others must respect or face the consequences.
Though invisible, a boundary setting is far from imaginary. It signals, “This is your limit of proximity to me—in terms of physical space, emotional depth, spiritual connection, financial involvement, sexual intimacy, and verbal interaction.”
Before we can establish boundaries in relationships, there are several steps we need to undertake:
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Define what boundaries mean.
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Explore the various types of boundaries that exist.
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Recognize any mistakes made in setting your own boundaries. Understand what constitutes a boundary violation.
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Identify instances of impaired boundaries.
What is the difference between a wall and a boundary?
Firstly, it’s crucial to understand that a boundary is different from a wall. Walls are erected by individuals who either aren’t capable of setting boundaries in relationships or lack the knowledge to do so. A lot of us are more familiar with erecting walls than setting physical and emotional boundaries.
Boundaries assist in distinguishing our thoughts and emotions from those of others, including, but not limited to, our parents, children, partners, or friends.
They aid us in understanding our identity and what we aren’t. Boundaries in relationships delineate where we start and stop and where another person starts and stops by setting the right psychological, emotional, and physical distance between us.
What is the role or point of a boundary?
Healthy boundaries manage proximity allowing true intimacy to be established in the following:
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Our physical selves
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Our emotional experiences
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Our sexuality
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The language others use toward us
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Our financial matters
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Our spiritual beliefs (and ways to safeguard them)
What are Examples of Boundaries?
Emotional boundaries determine the extent to which you can tolerate someone’s anger, sadness, fear, or joy before it becomes too much or overwhelming. These emotional boundaries essentially communicate, “Your anger or fear belongs to you, not me,” and the same applies in reverse.
Sexual boundary example
Sexual boundaries, when set, can convey that it’s acceptable for someone to hold your hand but nothing more. They can wrap their arm around you, but they should not go beyond that limit.
Nobody has the right to discuss your sexuality or share details about your sexual habits or preferences with others. It’s also unacceptable for anyone to touch your children in a sexual manner, and so forth.
Related Reading: How To Talk About Sex In Your Relationship
Informational boundary example
Informational boundaries enable you to set a limit when you’ve received enough information about a particular subject or person. When you no longer wish to hear or absorb more because it might lead to overstimulation, these boundaries come into effect.
Financial boundary example
Financial boundaries enable you to decide what financial matters you’re willing to discuss and with whom. For instance, you might feel comfortable discussing your salary with your boss or talking about your home’s cost with your father. Your accountant and banker may have more insight into your financial affairs, but you typically wouldn’t share such details with casual acquaintances or social friends.
Spiritual boundary example
Setting boundaries spiritually help safeguard the health of our relationship with God or our spiritual beliefs. Maintaining boundaries will help guide us in our spiritual lives, much like how physical barriers protect us from physical dangers.
They allow us to define our own relationship with God, even when others try to impose their beliefs on us. Spiritual boundaries also protect your right to believe what you want, worship as you wish, and practice your spiritual or religious beliefs.
Setting boundaries is crucial as they can be extremely useful in managing and navigating stress, anxiety, disputes, confrontations, and closeness. Maintaining boundaries have the potential to diminish stress, conflict, and miscommunication.
Surprisingly, they can also enhance healthy relationships and provide comfort. When you understand your limits, and I understand mine, we eliminate concerns about overstepping, neglect, intrusion, or suppression.
A word of caution when setting boundaries…
Be aware: like any new addition to your emotional toolkit, the first time you employ your boundaries against individuals with unhealthy behaviors, they may respond unfavorably. They might become extremely upset — even furious or indignant — with you and attempt to dissuade you from utilizing your newfound psychological and emotional strategies for improving your life management. You may hear:
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Why are you creating barriers between us?
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Why don’t you let me be part of certain aspects of your life as you used to?
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You seem to be becoming inflexible.
As you begin to establish healthy boundaries, you might question your capacity to do so and even doubt your actions: Am I being too rigid? Have I erected walls instead of setting boundaries? It’s common for your initial attempts at boundary-setting to be somewhat extreme as you’re transitioning from having no boundaries to implementing them consistently.
Boundary errors versus boundary violations
Before you can stand up for your personal boundaries, it’s important to first identify when they’re being breached. This can be recognized through either boundary violations or boundary errors, terms introduced by author Anne Katherine, which refer to instances when your boundaries aren’t respected. Let’s concentrate on the milder issue of boundary errors before tackling boundary violations.
What is a boundary error?
A boundary error happens when there’s a misunderstanding or lack of information concerning societal or cultural norms and customs. It’s not deliberate or harmful and often arises due to insufficient consideration.
For instance: my husband despises it when people tell him he looks in his late 40s or early 50s. Our friends think it’s funny, and so they comment all the time about how old he looks. The reality is that he is 33 and doesn’t think it’s funny.
This would be a boundary error because he never tells those making the comments that he isn’t comfortable hearing them.
Sticking on the theme of my husband, he did not like being hugged when we first started dating. Hugging him without his permission because he was uncomfortable with being hugged by strangers — is another example of a boundary error.
What is a boundary violation?
An example of a boundary violation is when someone knows that Joshua doesn’t like to be teased about his age, but they do it anyway—being told that their hugging is too much and unwanted but trying to anyway—violation.
Naturally, there can be far more severe breaches than the examples given, but these provide a basic understanding. If you’re not used to recognizing your own personal boundaries or those of others, how can you identify when a boundary has been violated?
How do I know when my boundaries have been violated?
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You feel a sense of anger
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You feel a sense of betrayal
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You feel fear
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You feel/ experience shame
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You feel powerless
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You feel sadness
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You feel anxiety
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You feel sensations of being unsafe
These emotions suggest that someone has crossed into your personal space — be it physically, sexually, or emotionally — more than you’re comfortable with. Alternatively, they could indicate that your privacy has been infringed upon, making you feel unsafe around the person responsible.
These emotions and indications can be recognized as they manifest, but optimally, it’s preferable to identify them before it becomes necessary to protect your boundaries. By doing this, you can reduce or even eradicate many of the discomforting feelings linked with boundary infringements.
If you’re unable to safeguard your boundary, you might find yourself maintaining a distance from the individual or group you’re allowing to cross it, or you might keep them at bay with your unavailability.
How can I stand firm in maintaining my boundaries in a relationship?
A crucial aspect of establishing effective boundaries is the ability to adhere to them and properly protect them when required. We often struggle with setting physical and emotional boundaries in relationships with our partners and parents for four reasons:
- we have a hard time talking to these people for fear of what our boundaries might cause them to say or do
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the relationship boundaries we set might not be genuine or significant to us
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we feel our spouse ignores us or won’t abide by our relationship boundaries
- we feel guilty or selfish when we set relationship boundaries
The reality is a boundaries might make your partner mad. Your friend, co-worker or partner might not like the fact that you set a boundary in your relationship (chances are it will limit said person from taking advantage of you).
The reality of all relationship boundaries are they will make someone mad. BUT! When you set a boundary, and can articulate it is not selfish or mean, the realtiy is you are protecting your mental health and your overall well being.
Just remember when you go to set a boundary that the only reason you are setting it is because you know how it feels to be violated, and you are simply refusing to let those in your life do it to you anymore! Therefore take the time and have the important conversation about the boundaries you need to set in your platonic and romantic relationships.
To demonstrate, let’s use my husband’s hugging as an example.
Let’s say once a week, he goes to his mom’s house, and when he walks in the door, everyone, including his mom decides to give him a hug. Joshua gets enraged every time and tells his family he doesn’t like to be hugged, hence ignoring his boundary.
Most people in this scenario would physically hit the person or threaten to never come over anymore, creating only two options when someone violates our boundaries threats or violence.
What are ways to maintain my boundaries in relationships?
There are multiple ways for Joshua to defend his healthy boundaries, next time he could:
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When he senses an impending hug, he can take a step back. This will increase the distance between him and his mom, signaling that he is not interested.
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As a courteous alternative, he could offer a handshake first and a friendly smile. Reaching out his hand in a welcoming gesture.
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To deflect the hug, he could angle his shoulder towards his mom as she approached for a hug. Positioning his body sideways instead of front-facing presents a smaller target for a potential hug, reducing the likelihood of it happening.
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When she reaches her hands out for a hug, he could grasp her hand. If needed, wrapping his hands around her hand or arm, squeezing lightly, making eye contact, and shaking her hand warmly for a few seconds before releasing.
If she tries to hug him again in the future, he can use a more drastic reminder. Saying “No!” loudly and putting his arms in front of his chest.
Saying “No” —is a Great Boundary Word
Learn to say and mean the following words that many people rarely say (and mean):
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No
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No more
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Enough
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Stop
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Stop it
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No, thank you
Remember, no is a complete sentence!
Why Is Saying No So Hard?
Why is it challenging to utter phrases like “Stop,” “No more!” or “Enough!”? The difficulty often stems from regression to an earlier time, typically during childhood, when expressing such sentiments was forbidden or had adverse repercussions. (click here to learn more about how your childhood affects your relationships as an adult)!
Another method to halt and shield against boundary breaches, intrusions, and encroachments is to identify the specific violation: “When you hug me,” and tell the person how you feel not to have your space, needs, and feelings respected: “I get frustrated,” helping you both get on the same page!
This is an ideal moment to incorporate vigor, physical expressions, and more assertive phrases, such as “I’m serious about this,” while making a stopping gesture with your hand or positioning your feet solidly.
Ensure clarity on your next steps should a further violation occur. Yet, it’s essential not to reveal the potential consequences to the violator. Expressing these repercussions to an adult could lead them to view your words as intimidating or as an ultimatum.
Conversely, it’s important to inform children about the consequences if they breach or ignore your set boundaries, enabling them to make healthier decisions in the future.
What does it mean to set limits in a relationship?
You get what you tolerate.
Limits are often more perplexing than boundaries. In essence, a boundary signifies, “This is the proximity you can maintain with me.” On the other hand, a limit represents the emotional and intellectual understanding of the extent to which you’re willing to engage in a situation, be it with a spouse, job, parent, or child (note setting boundaries and limits are not mean they protect your well being).
Display your Limits
Numerous individuals struggle to identify their boundaries in both personal and professional contexts. Interestingly, establishing limits can foster a more profound connection with those we cherish.
Due to our lack of awareness of our own boundaries, we often overshoot or fall significantly short of where we aspire to be or how much we intend to do for or with someone. (click here to learn how to love yourself better, which helps in setting boundaries).
Not knowing our limits can turn us into caretakers instead of caregivers.
Caregivers maintain healthy boundaries and are aware of their limits. On the contrary, caretakers often exceed their comfort zones. In doing so, caretakers may unintentionally deplete those around them—whether it’s their integrity, energy, self-esteem, or even money. Essentially, they feel compelled to take something in exchange for sacrificing a part of themselves that they ideally didn’t want to relinquish.
Numerous individuals who are unaware of or disregard their boundaries often experience resentment and consequently believe they require some form of compensation or restitution.
Individuals who recognize and honor their own boundaries can look after others without harboring resentment or feeling as though something is being extracted from them. They actually derive energy from their acts of giving. This is what I refer to as embodying compassionate assertiveness.
By tuning into our own internal rhythms for intimacy, interaction, or engagement, we can discern our set boundaries. If we remain faithful to these rhythms, we’ll understand the duration we can spend with our parents without succumbing to old, harmful dialogues and habits (I have about 40 minutes with my dad), not too mention your mental health will thank you!
If we understand when to pursue solitude to rejuvenate ourselves, then we won’t need to distance people or escape from a relationship simply because we find it hard to express, “I need some time for myself.”
Conclusion
Boundaries are a crucial aspect of managing healthy relationships and safeguarding personal space. The process of setting boundaries is not a universal one; it’s essential to understand what works best for your needs, be it informational, sexual, financial, or spiritual boundaries.
It’s worth noting that boundaries can be overstepped, and errors can occur, hence the necessity to uphold your limits when they are challenged.
Bear in mind that a straightforward ‘no’ can effectively establish those boundaries – clarify what you can and cannot accept, identify and address boundary infringements as they arise, and always be aware of your personal limits.
Lastly, know that healthy boundaries in relationships only bring couples closer. Even though initially your partner might feel disrespected or hurt, once they know this is what you need for your physical and mental health and overall well being, they will be more than willing to accomodate the boundaries you put up!
