Nine Ways to Betray a Lover
The devastation of sexual disloyalty is not the only breach of trust that can ruin a relationship. Other forms of betrayal can be just as damaging as an affair but too often go unrecognized or minimized, including by the victim.
We all have heard someone say their partner has “changed,” or they have “grown apart from each other,” or are “no longer compatible.” In truth, these couples have ceased fulfilling each other’s needs, resulting in negative responses and feelings.
Over time, the couple becomes trapped in a cycle of negativity, each believing the other doesn’t prioritize the relationship. Unbeknownst to them, the underlying issue may be betrayal, leading to confusion about their discontent and endless conflicts.
Over time, individuals may refrain from sexual infidelity but instead manifest betrayal through expressions of disrespect and devaluation of the relationship. This blog will explore alternative ways a partner can undermine a relationship.
Let’s Dive In.
What causes betrayal in a relationship?
A committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance, and protection. Anything that violates that contract can become traitorous.
This is where betrayal comes in; it creeps into even the strongest bond because it’s impossible to always be in sync. What separates trustworthy couples from others is that they have found a way to correct or get past these missteps so that betrayal does not consume their relationship.
Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict) and a yearning for an emotional connection that seems unavailable from your partner.
The Slippery Slope of Betrayal
When our partner consistently falls short of meeting our needs, we often find ourselves trapped in the comparison loop. We compare them to others regarding appearance, treatment, and actions, evaluating how they measure up against others.
As the comparison continues, so does the need to start elevating and idolizing other people; we can even begin to daydream and fantasize about other people, relationships, or lifestyle choices. We may think, “If only I had done XYZ and never got married, everything in my life would be better.“
Comparisons, fantasies, and unmet needs contribute to the disrespect that starts brewing throughout each encounter in our relationship. While this disrespect might hint at potential infidelity, it often marks the beginning of a decline for many couples. Couples initially exchange subtle jabs in private, and gradually, these behaviors extend to public settings.
Regrettably, both partners may rationalize that complete satisfaction in life is rare. They might perceive their relationship as flawed but think it’s “not as bad as” an affair, prompting them to endure.
Here are nine prevalent ways couples choosing to “endure” may find themselves experiencing the unfolding of betrayal in their relationships.
What does betrayal look like in a marriage?
DISCLAIMER: The worst kind of betrayal—physical or emotional abuse perpetrated to control the victim of the violence—is not on this list. If you’re uncertain about whether your partner is abusive, take our test. If you’re considering ending the relationship and want guidance, you can reach out for our help. You deserve support!
Review the list below and observe if any of these situations resonate with you or evoke uneasiness. If they do, you might be confronting a betrayal that could be as significant as discovering intimate text messages between your partner and someone else.
This list isn’t about passing judgment or giving up on your relationship. It’s not about determining who’s right or wrong. Similar to overcoming challenges in the aftermath of sexual affairs, these betrayals can be addressed if you acknowledge the issue and work on repairing the relationship. I’ve presented them in no specific order—they all pose potential risks.
1. Conditional Commitment
The underlying attitude is: “I’m here for you . . . until someone better comes along.” Such partners may flirt, ogle, and send out other signals that they are available, even though they don’t follow through. Because they are not fully in the relationship, anything from an argument to the flu to work stress can diminish how much intimacy and support their partner receives.
It’s not unusual for the betrayed partner to think these triggers are the actual problem when the superficiality of the commitment fuels all those conflicts.
Couples may tumble into a conditional relationship when one pressures the other to marry or cohabitate, thinking the move will deepen their connection. It is almost always an error to marry when you don’t want to.
It’s hard for a marriage to succeed if it is an attempt to create a strong bond rather than the result of one. The shallowness becomes more apparent as time goes on.
In some cases of conditional commitment, one partner isn’t comparing the other to someone else but to something else. Consider couples where one spouse develops an interest or a “purpose.” In these scenarios, one spouse puts their interest or purpose above the marriage. Both partners in an intimate partnership need to open up about what they consider the purpose and significance of their life together.
When couples ignore or avoid discussing deep issues, they are left with a shallow commitment. To prevent this, couples can intentionally discuss their goals and dreams rather than wait for the opportunity to occur.
2. A Nonsexual Affair
It’s common for platonic friendships to develop if you are in the trenches with somebody day after day. Some people refer to on-the-job camaraderie as having a “work wife” or “work husband.”
However, you can also forge such connections at the gym, a favorite watering hole or café, or while pursuing a hobby or volunteer work. These relationships are non-sexual by definition, but buddies may get to know intimate details about each other’s lives. Having a working wife or work husband is not necessarily a betrayal.
Here’s the rule: If you think your partner would be uncomfortable watching your interactions with this person or be upset by the confidences you’ve shared, then you are flirting with danger.
You are reversing the walls and windows of your sound relationship house to hide the new friendship. Should your partner discover a knowing email or text message from this “other,” the result can be as devastating as perfume or cologne on the bedroom sheets.
Whenever you have to ask how this man/woman knows so much, it’s a non-sexual affair. The spouse will usually say it’s no big deal because they are “just friends.” The guilty party accuses their spouse of being irrational and jealous, saying this is why they kept quiet about said person. The reality is the spouse is cheating, and the proof lies in their secrecy.
How do you know if your partner’s shared connection with someone else is a sexless affair and not an innocent friendship?
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Is the friendship hidden?
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Are your questions about the friendship discouraged?
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Have you asked for it to end and hit a brick wall?
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Have your boundaries been disrespected (have you asked them not to go to “work events” with them)?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” the friendship is too intimate.
3. Lying
It’s easy to see why plain old deceit would damage a relationship. Sometimes, both partners are guilty of this behavior. To avoid arguments, some couples start to keep secrets from each other.
These secrets cause us to sneak and do things without the other person knowing. When a spouse discovers the lies, we justify our actions by stating that we knew they’d blow up.
Lies that are uttered to maintain the peace are a breach of trust. Although they are harmful, they do not have to ruin a relationship. Once they are exposed, you can work on the issues that prompted them. But there’s another type of lying that should concern you in a partner. Some people lie all of the time.
These chronic fibbers spin out mistruths even when there is no threat to the relationship. The lying is not the other partner’s fault, nor is it due to relationship problems. It is fundamental to the person’s character. Chronic lying is a pattern established in childhood if parents are punitive, cold, authoritarian, or dismissive of emotions. The child learns to lie to look good and escape the parent’s harsh judgments.
In adulthood, this tendency to lie is hard to overcome even when the threat of punishment no longer exists.
4. Forming a Coalition Against the Partner
This is the couple where one spouse runs major life decisions by their parents. If the spouse and the parent give conflicting advice, the spouse will always take their parents.
If one spouse complains about the parental overreach, they’ll usually hear they are overreacting and being unfair. After all, they are close to their parents; what is wrong with that? Through therapy, perhaps the partner can understand the difference between maintaining a bond with your parents versus forming a coalition against your spouse.
In reality, the spouse who constantly connects with their parents is not meeting their spouse’s emotional needs. The spouse must keep their parents out of their marriage.
We can betray our spouses by constantly siding with our parents. In this scenario, we will say things like “They are just trying to help,” “Don’t be so sensitive,” and “They mean well.”
It is the spouse’s responsibility to send their mom/dad a clear message that their marriage is the priority and they will not tolerate criticism of their spouse. The husband or wife may need to cut back on how much time they spend with their parents or how frequently they talk on the phone.
5. Absenteeism or Coldness
Absenteeism or coldness usually occurs when one spouse is hurt or disappointed by their partner. In these scenarios, we feel so much hurt or pain but never address it.
Over time, we stew on the problem and eventually become cold and distant from our spouse. When our partner asks us what’s wrong, we will say nothing (expecting them to know why we are acting this way).
The other partner assumes that when they are ready to talk about it, they will. The partner that is hurt must discuss their hurt, or the couple will eventually wind up separating.
Emotional absenteeism doesn’t have to be so dramatic. It can be as simple as turning away consistently when a partner needs emotional support about mundane events, such as a friend standing them up or anxiety over giving a speech.
A committed relationship requires being there for each other both through life-changing traumas and everyday stresses. It also means sharing in your partner’s joy when good happens. For the relationship to work, each spouse must learn what the other requires to feel loved, protected, and supported.
Note: Not all cases of emotional absenteeism are solvable, however. Some people are just unable and unwilling to express warmth and emotional support.
When a partner lacks empathy, the relationship will flounder in time, except in rare cases where both people are happiest in an emotionally distant union. Most of us will feel deep rejection if our partner doesn’t express affection (and sex doesn’t count if it doesn’t include an emotional connection).
When you enter a relationship with somebody who lacks empathy, you may assume that your partner is just reserved and will loosen up over time. But they do not.
Some people have learned to cover up this lack of feeling by imitating the emotions of others. It may take years for the partner to realize the other isn’t just the “silent type.”
But eventually, the coldness and pretense of caring come to be recognized as cruelty—a character flaw often intertwined with a need for power and control.
In these scenarios, you can expect a partner to say things like, “That’s just who I am.”
6. Withdrawal of Sexual Interest
Common suggestions like enticing lingerie or planning a weekend away can be effective when external stressors create a “no-touch” zone in the bedroom.
However, resolving a declining sexual life becomes challenging when deeper issues, such as aging-related insecurities or weight gain struggles, are involved. Physical changes can make partners feel insecure, yet embarrassment hinders seeking reassurance. In instances of weight gain, a husband may be unaware, leaving the woman feeling uncherished.
Recommended Reading: Help I Don't Desire My SpouseAdditionally, many couples grapple with mismatched sexual drives. Evidence suggests that approximately 15 percent of heterosexual couples over forty-five eventually cease engaging in sexual activity.
Recommended Reading: 17 Reasons Couples Stop Having SexSurprisingly, it is usually the man who loses interest. Many of these couples say this waning does not diminish their relationship satisfaction. But if this withdrawal is not addressed honestly and lovingly, hurt and rejection can consume the relationship. Let’s face it: whatever the partner’s reason, withdrawal of sexual intimacy is wounding.
Recommended Reading: How To Address Your Intimacy Issues7. Disrespect
Whether through yelling, escalating, belittling, sarcasm, or any other means, when a partner’s communication style suggests inferiority, it amounts to disrespect.
A loving relationship is not about one person having the upper hand—it’s about holding hands. A contemptuous and superior attitude is emotional abuse, whether expressed through frequent name-calling or subtle slights.
One of my favorite examples is people who always respond to a partner’s complaint by correcting their grammar or word usage.
You know the couple where one partner says, “Why do you always correct me? Just stop it! You know how adverse I am to it.” Instead of responding to what was said, the partner replies, “I think you mean averse.” While it may be amusing, a relationship filled with such retorts is unhealthy and will probably end.
8. Unfairness
Many of us acknowledge that life isn’t fair. Refs make mistakes, a lazy coworker gets a promotion, and the person ahead in the “express” lane has an overflowing cart with numerous coupons.
BUT, a loving, long-term relationship should be a refuge from injustice. It’s not an overly optimistic view but a core aspect of love. True satisfaction is impossible if one partner exploits the other. This imbalance is a common issue I frequently observe.
Money is allocated for his big TV, but an elliptical trainer for her is overlooked. They always end up at her favorite restaurant. From such petty power plays, big problems arise.
Here are the most common unfairness issues:
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Housework- Despite agreements, someone neglects their share. Laundry lands near the hamper, dishes bypass the dishwasher, and the toilet paper roll goes un-replaced.
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Finances- Handling finances often falls disproportionately on one partner despite agreements to share this task. ‘You’re better at it,’ is what one person tends to say!
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Raising Children- When a spouse decides to stay home after children, despite an agreement that they’ll both work, the financial burden falls on the partner, who now feels the need to work harder.
While you can’t predict precisely what will work for your relationship, discussing your dynamics is crucial. Deciding preferences and dislikes together is fair. Making significant life decisions unilaterally and essentially telling your partner to “deal with it” is unfair.
9. Breaking Promises
A broken vow is as perilous to love as an intentional lie. Building a life together means agreeing on certain fundamentals and everyday expectations.
You dream about your mutual future and make promises to each other, expressed outright or not that strengthen your bond. But if those promises go unfulfilled or are contradicted, the disappointment jeopardizes a couple’s trust in each other and their future.
When a man breaks promises the woman does not feel loved, and when a woman breaks promises, he feels disrespected.
If left unresolved, the initial issue will escalate, with one spouse growing concerned about whether the other is still trustworthy.
This couple will need counseling to rework their expectations of each other and find a way to honor their promises.
The most serious issues that lead to broken promises concern addiction.
Maintaining a healthy relationship becomes nearly impossible due to drug abuse, alcoholism, or dependence on gambling, sex, or pornography. A common dynamic arises where the afflicted partner promises to “change” but fails. The other partner desperately wants to believe in the possibility of transformation.
With each recurrence of addiction, the sense of betrayal deepens, even if the partner unintentionally enables it. Addiction, a complex disorder with emotional and physiological roots, requires professional help to salvage the relationship.
Conclusion
A relationship is a commitment, not a pair of handcuffs or a muzzle. Expressing disapproval at times can be a loving and supportive action. Blind acceptance is never a healthy strategy- sometimes, holding up a mirror for your partner is necessary. No one is immune to narcissism, selfishness, and poor judgment.
Calling out such behavior is healthy, focusing on your partner’s well-being, not just your own. Relying on each other’s honesty allows for challenging values, even if it means hearing questions like “What were you thinking?” or “How could you do that?” If you’re on the receiving end, understand that your partner’s love motivates the confrontation. Instead of being defensive, focus on what your partner is saying and discuss the issue openly.
When a relationship crumbles due to disloyalty, apologies and romantic gestures alone won’t suffice to rebuild the bond. The couple must first recognize that a form of infidelity is at the heart of the breach. To rebuild, the couple must work on meeting each other’s needs! Only by newly exploring each other’s inner world can they succeed at reconnecting.