We Think We Express Our Anger
Many people have been taught, especially since the sixties, that we are not supposed to “hold in” feelings of anger. Instead, we are to own our anger and boldly “confront” or use some form of assertive communication to give people a piece of our minds.
This movement was in the right direction, but most people feel unsafe with assertive communication. Hence, most of us bottle up our emotions, trying to perform “anger management” until we explode when the issues become too much to bear. At that moment, the conflict escalates, causing unrepairable damage to the relationship.
Related Reading: Resolve Disputes Happily & Easily
This blog will show you the unhealthy ways to manage anger issues and give you some tips to express yourself healthily.
What Are Unhealthy Ways To Express Anger?
Most of us do not know how to overcome anger in part because no one showed us how to feel anger appropriately. Here are ten ways that, no matter the circumstance, we should NOT express anger in a relationship!
Manipulation
Manipulating people is by far one of the more common byproducts when we feel anger, usually unknowingly. When we are angry, we manipulate those around us, giving us a momentary sense of power—the opposite of feeling angry, which generally leaves us feeling powerless.
Example of Manipulation
John was angry, to say the least, at his wife, who he felt did not appreciate how he worked all the time to afford their lifestyle. “I keep you in the style which you’ve clearly become accustomed to!” he found himself saying often.
“To show her,” he would attend social functions without her, convincing her that she wouldn’t enjoy the place or the people he associated with and would be much happier staying home. John would then drink too much and flirt with every woman there.
Control
Control is the kissing cousin of manipulation. Angry people are usually very controlling people. They try to control people, places, and things. They are like giant chess players moving the pawns around the board, partly because they are bored but mostly because they’re angry and do not know it. Sometimes, the moves they make are very subtle.
Examples of Being Controlling
We had a nanny who felt she should be doing more in this world with her life and was really too smart to watch our kids and clean our house, so she was angry—not at my husband and me, per se, but at the circumstances of her life.
She would rearrange everything on our desks and counters and in our closets and cabinets, and she would end up hiding things that we would spend hours looking for. Whenever we asked her about said item(s), she would say, “IDK, boss, you must’ve moved it there.”
Sabotage
Sabotage is another cousin to manipulation and control. Sabotaging behavior within relationships encompasses actions, whether deliberate or unintentional, that ultimately result in the termination of a romantic relationship. These actions may include distancing oneself from the other person or seeking justifications to exit the relationship.
Examples of Sabotaging
Stephen’s mother abandoned him when he was 7 years old. She ran off, and he didn’t hear from her again until he was twenty years old. He was angry at her for leaving him with his father, who was never there for him physically or emotionally.
In every romantic relationship, Stephen undermines his success and expresses his anger issues by sabotaging all hopes of having a healthy relationship. When the relationship starts to go deeper, he withdraws from her emotionally, shuts down, and becomes involved with another woman, cheating on the current one.
Jokes
Telling really off-color, demeaning jokes is another form of anger issues leaking out of our overpressurized boilers. Am I saying that you cannot tell jokes? No, what I am saying is that the next time you hear or tell a cruel joke about someone, put yourself in their shoes and think how you would feel if someone said this about you. I am guessing you would probably feel angry.
One of the ways people justify their verbal punches in “putting people down” is to throw out the outworn phrase, “I’m just joking.” Any time you have to add that phrase, it probably isn’t a joke. Almost everyone has had a “friend” who puts them down.
Examples of Joking
Let’s look at the example below with a married couple named Sarah and Shane.
Lol, you always wear terrible clothes, Sarah says to Shane. John, Shane’s friend, says geez, Sarah lay off the poor guy. Sarah says come on, John, Shane knows, “I’m just kidding. He knows I love him.”
Shame
Shaming folks is done so frequently that we hardly even notice it, though we feel it engulfing our bodies like the toxic ooze it really is. Nevertheless, shame involves feeling remorse for one’s inherent self; when feeling shame, there is no difference between “I made a mistake” and “I am a mistake.”
Given this perspective, envision the persistent sensation of being the fault within your relationship. It goes beyond mere distress. The shame projected onto us by others can gradually erode our self-worth and self-confidence. Although typically unintentional, those closest to us may make remarks and act in ways that trigger two significant narratives: 1) you perpetually fall short, and 2) what gives you the right to think highly of yourself?
Examples of Shaming
Franks’s father would try to show him how to build things. When Frank wouldn’t catch on fast enough, his father would say, “No way you are my son. We must have gotten the wrong baby at the hospital. My son could fix or build anything, just like I do.”
Blame
Blaming is employed when folks are angry. They use statements like: “It’s all your fault.” “Look at what you’ve done now.” “We wouldn’t be in this mess if …
Examples of Blaming
If you had woken us up earlier, we wouldn’t have gotten stuck in traffic and would have been on time for Jessie’s first recital. I’m going to tell her that you’re the reason we are late.
Demeaning
These are verbal abuses or disparaging remarks: hurtful comments that diminish your sense of self-worth or value.
Examples of Demeaning
“Can’t you tell time? When the big hand is on twelve, and the little hand is on twelve, that’s when we meet for lunch,” Jim said sarcastically to a girlfriend while confronting her about constantly being late for engagements.
Criticizing
Criticism is so common that most of us think it’s actually okay to receive or give it, whether it’s asked for or not. Deep down in their guts, most folks know that unsolicited criticism, even the kind that “is for your own good” or given “because I love you,” stings like a thousand bees. As we pull the stingers out, those folks wonder what is wrong with us for taking it so badly; after all, we were just giving “constructive criticism.”
Example of Criticizing
“You never want to spend money on us! It’s your fault we can never go away together because you spend all our money on useless things!”
We’ve all heard these things so often. We’ve seen these behaviors displayed in some way by our loved ones, and we’ve done them, too—so often that we’ve come to think this is just the way life is. But it doesn’t have to be!!
How To Manage Anger In Your Relationships
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. —Buddha
Control Anger By Using The Word You
A common way that anger damages relationships is through passivity. Passive aggression can show when one or both partners use the silent treatment, or it can show up through blame.
One of the most button-pushing, passive words to blame your partner is you. Go back and look at all the examples above; in each one, we see an angry partner using the word you. Look at the difference between the following statements:
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I need vs. You need to
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I hurt vs. You hurt me
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I feel vs. You made me feel
The difference between “I” and “you” is enormous; using you only perpetuates conflicts and miscommunications. Besides, something about this three-letter word “you” puts almost everyone in a defensive posture.
Think about other things we say:
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If only you would
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Why don’t you
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You should
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You ought to
Even the word “you” by itself triggers our partner’s anger along with their defensive responses. In contrast, the word “I” is active, compassionate, responsible, remorseful, mature, and non-threatening.
I enhance connection and reduce needless confrontations and conflicts. “I” becomes the actor, instigator, and mover. Once you learn how to communicate using I, we must learn how to communicate what we need.
Control Anger By Learning To Say What You Want & Need
When we feel anger in our relationships, we often feel like we are not getting (fill in the blank) respect, love, sex, kindness, compassion, empathy, whatever it is. We can boil our anger down, feeling like we are not getting what we need or want.
Difference Between Needing & Wanting
Wanting is “best-case scenario,” or “wishful thinking,” or having a fantasy fulfilled about how we desire things or someone to be. Wanting is negotiable. We can compromise on our wants; we can exercise a certain give-and-take.
Needing is much more serious and essential. Needs are akin to things that we cannot do without—air, water, food, et cetera. Needs are non-negotiable. There is no room for compromise. Needs are kissing cousins to boundaries and limits.
Related Reading: What Needs Should Be Met In A Relationship
The compassionately assertive, emotionally present person can tell the difference between what they want and need. This helps them not run from clashes and disagreements, which are a part of every relationship, because they have the resources to handle them appropriately. They are emotionally equipped to finish the four assertive statements regarding requests of others and themselves:
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This is what I want in our relationship:_____________.
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This is what I need in our relationship:_____________.
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This is what I will not do to get my wants and needs met:_____________.
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This is what I will do to get my wants and needs met:_____________.
Example Of How This Plays Out:
Carol is an active woman in her forties. She runs, cycles, and plays tennis. She wants her husband to join her in these activities, but he is not athletically inclined. She needs him to support her to continue these activities and his support to be friends with others who share her passions.
Carol will not pressure her husband to be more involved in these areas. She will not shame him for not doing so. She will continue to leave the door open should he ever want to join her, and she will continue to share her delight in pursuing her vigorous paths.
In this scenario, Carol knows what she wants and needs and knows what she will and won’t do. As a result, she and her husband can have a flourishing relationship.
Here Is An Anger Management Exercise
On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = never), determine the extent to which you or your partner tend to employ these forms of anger issues:
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Shaming
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Blaming
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Criticizing
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Sarcasm
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Put-downs
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Jokes at other’s expense
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Sabotaging
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Controlling
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Manipulating
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Lying
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Gossiping
Now, look at the areas where you mentally checked 4s or 5s; those are some areas that could perhaps need some anger management attention.
Conclusion
The emotionally stunted person may try to be or appear “right” at everyone’s expense, including their own. This person has to win every argument, get the last word, feel superior, or put people in their place.
Do you know anyone who would rather be “right” than happy?
This doesn’t have to be you because now you and your partner can express your feelings and emotions appropriately. When you can’t, control anger, you can apologize and make amends. Congratulations on your continuing, deepening journey into intimacy and wholeness.
Disclaimer: Understanding our negative emotions and our partners will create a healthier relationship. But if you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse, both you and your partner should take action. You can opt for in-person or online therapy or attend group counseling together to address anger problems. If the anger in a relationship causes physical harm in any way, we recommend you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline here. Remember to take care of yourself and stay safe.