Trauma bonds are addictive. They produce brain chemicals that are hard to overcome. When people get involved in relationships that are toxic, they become hooked on the good experiences their spouse can bring into their lives.
Breaking that addiction is essentially overcoming the undeniably strong brain chemistry created by powerful emotional experiences. It’s almost impossible to end a trauma bonded relationship because it can feel like your mind is working against all logic and reason.
Trauma bonds are stronger than typical human bonds – think of a trauma bond as the giant Goliath of a bond. When a person ends a relationship that was bonded without the added complexity of trauma, the pain of the breakup is much less intense and painful than it is for those who are traumatically bonded.
Breaking a trauma bond requires much more work – but I want to show you that you can break free and show you how to do it! This blog will go over why ending a trauma bonded relationship can feel so painful, explain the common trauma bond withdrawal symptoms and finally answers how to break trauma bonding!
Related Reading: What Is A Trauma Bond?
What Should I Expect When Attempting To Break A Trauma Bond?
An abusive relationship creates trauma bonding and that trauma bond often remains well after the relationship has ended. Despite years of research about the horribly damaging effects of trauma and abuse and the fact that victims will constantly go back to their abusers many times before they finally leave for good, society still doesn’t seem to understand the powerfully shattering effects that trauma bonding can cause.
It takes victims an average of 7 times before they leave trauma bonds for good, but I can admit (as well as many other people whom I’ve spoken to can attest to this) I feel the real statistic for this is much higher.
It’s during this period that we often get the frustrating and victim-blaming comments of ‘Why do you go back if the relationship is so bad?’ or ‘Just leave them for good this time.’
These comments go a long way to prove that society is yet to fully embrace the true extent of trauma bonding, which is why I felt compelled to dedicate a few blogs to the topic.
Educate Yourself When Trying To Break A Trauma Bond
I felt unbelievably alone and misunderstood when I returned to my abuser, and to have some way to show that I wasn’t to blame for my situation would have been helpful for me during this time.
What would have been incredibly beneficial for me would have been more readily available materials on the addiction an abused person has to their abusers.
This would have helped me feel less shame about the addiction (knowing it’s something other victims endure, too), and it would have helped clue me up on what I was experiencing.
Like the way Stockholm Syndrome manifests in an individual, an abused person forms a trauma bond with their abuser as both the source of fear and comfort in an attempt to survive the relationship.
As a result, the abused person then feels a misplaced (yet hugely unwavering) sense of loyalty and commitment to their abusers, which to an uneducated outsider often appears utterly nonsensical.
Understand The Cognitive Dissonance That Trauma Bonds Cause
Trauma bonding is usually exceptionally fierce in situations where there are repetitive cycles of abuse. This often results in the victim having a desire to rescue their abuser, to free them from the thing inside them that causes them to be such a toxic person.
This desperate want to help change this abusive person for the better is often present in the victim, regardless of the extent of the emotional abuse, and becomes even stronger if there is sexual abuse.
However, during this need to repair a broken narcissist or make them ‘better,’ the victim is likely going through cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term that describes the emotional confusion that victims experience when in a relationship with a narcissist; it’s not something that occurs in healthy relationships.
It is a common defense mechanism that the victim will use to cope with the deception, lies, control, and abuse that occurs in trauma bonds.
The cognitive dissonance then results from the victim having two highly conflicting thoughts at the same time or from partaking in behavior that conflicts with their core beliefs or values.
The concept of cognitive dissonance is offered in its title: ‘Cognitive’ refers to your thinking (or your mind), and ‘dissonance’ refers to the inconsistencies and conflicts that are filling your thoughts.
Cognitive dissonance is the emotional confusion and discomfort you experience when you are keeping hold of two conflicting ideas simultaneously. Naturally, we don’t like the pain of contradictory thoughts.
This theory suggests that when this occurs, we have a motivational drive within us that allows us to rationalize and change our attitudes, values, and actions or anything else, that will enable us to reduce or erode the dissonance that we are experiencing.
How Cognitive Dissonance Forms From A Trauma Bond
Someone who is being beaten by their abusive partner will despise and resent the conditions they are living in. However, with a consuming fear of a violent reprisal from their abuser, if they considered leaving, the fear of the consequences would likely make them choose to stay put.
The cognitive dissonance shows itself here through rationalization of the truth and denial: On the one hand, the victim detests their unhealthy relationship and all the pain that goes with it – we’ll call this the ‘truth’ of the situation. On the other hand, the victim tells themselves that their abuser only gets angry and fights with them about things because, deep down, they love and care for them – this is the denial part of the dissonance.
Reframing abusive behavior as a dysfunctional way of showing ‘love and care’ is simply an extreme case of denial.
Cognitive dissonance can manifest itself in a way that allows the victim of this situation to convince themselves that the relationship is still in the idealization stage when, in reality, it has moved into the stage of devaluation.
It can also allow the victim to push the blame for the injustices in the relationship away from their abuser (due to fear of reprisal) to either themselves or another victim.
Furthermore, it also helps in hiding the shame of being in such an abusive relationship. This inner dialogue then reduces the anxiety felt by the victim, further enabling trauma bonds to develop.
The result is an overwhelmingly draining conflict between the victim’s emotional self and their logical, rational, and reasoning self. Their cognitive dissonance – their inner emotional disharmony – has arisen because of two conflicting ideas going on at the same time: the victim knows full well that they should get out of the abusive relationship, but they also know doing so could put them in danger and potentially hardship.
Cognitive Dissonance Explains Why We Stay In A Trauma Bonded Relationship
Using the cognitive dissonance theory, the decision that decides which path the victim goes down is most likely to be the one that causes the least emotional stress.
To reduce the dissonance they feel, the victim will pick the path of least resistance, and their motivational drive for inner calm will support their beliefs and justify any decisions that help them stay safe.
As you can imagine, cognitive dissonance can cause a lot of irrational decision-making as the person struggles to reconcile their two conflicting beliefs.
On top of this, to support their irrational decision to stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, the victim tends to make heavy commitments and huge investments that almost serve to cement them into a trauma-bonded relationship forever.
Areas That An Abusive Partner Leverages Furthering Cognitive Dissonance In A Trauma-Bonded Relationship
Family Investments: The victim feels that investing everything in their abusive partner is the only way they can find to keep the family together.
Monetary Investments: Narcissists, and abusers in general, typically seek to control the family’s financial situation. Trapped by this control of money, the victim finds themselves stuck in this position, often waiting for a better financial situation to come about so that they can eventually detach from their abuser.
Lifestyle Investments: Due to having to share financial security with the abuser (willingly or not), the victim may fear losing their lifestyle, either for themselves or their children. So, they will stay because they fear the poverty trap that may await them if they leave.
Intimacy Investments: Abusers often use the blackmail of intimacy against their partner. Finding themselves in a seemingly hopeless situation and feeling broken, the victim feels the only way to feel ‘okay’ is for them to stay.
How Cognitive Dissonance Effects Our Mental Health In Trauma Bonding
While experiencing cognitive dissonance, the victim can adopt a pattern of denial, diversion, and defensiveness to help them control their discomfort. To survive, they mentally scramble to find ways of reducing their anxiety-inducing cognitive dissonance.
One way we survive an abusive partner is by regressing into infantile patterns of acting. Infantile regression is an unconscious defense mechanism triggered by exposure to toxic, unhealthy or abusive relationships.
Narcissists often render their victims to horrific emotional abuse and sexual abuse; this terror that the victim must deny if they are to survive the onslaught of abuse they are exposed to over time.
Clawing to survive under these traumatic conditions, the victim is reduced to becoming much like an infant, a small being that is helpless and dependent, its survival in the hands of their main caregiver.
As you know, this usually begins with the infant’s parent (usually the mother), but in this situation, the caregiver is the victim’s spouse. Nature is a magical thing; it pre-programs the infant with survival instincts by giving it a need to bond with its primary caregiver.
However, in this case, it’s much less innocent and born from emotional abuse and horrifying experiences endured by the victim.
How Can We Break A Trauma Bond Relationship?
Now that we have a better understanding of what we are dealing with let’s dive into starting to break free from the trauma-bonded relationship.
1. Start Breaking The Unhealthy Attachment Of A Trauma Bond By Exposure
By reading this far, I think you’ve certainly begun breaking the addiction to your abuser; simply filling your mind with an understanding of the trauma bond you’re in is a giant step towards a healthier direction.
By opening yourself up to materials like this blog, you will hopefully think about your own feelings about your situation once you’ve put it down. This thinking and exposing yourself to the relationship’s difficult reality helps you identify your real feelings.
To nudge you closer to thinking more about the truth of your situation, I want you to recognize the relationship’s “crazy cycle.”
For example, a typical “crazy cycle” starts with some affection – momentary bliss – abuse occurs – confusion – the departure of the abuser – longing – and utter despair.
This is just my example; you ought to identify your own cycle within your relationship. This may be similar or identical to mine, but taking the time to think about your cycle is helpful in this process.
I encourage you to write down your cycle and what is being fulfilled in your toxic relationship (a sense of having a family, feeling wanted, feeling secure, etc.) Notice that you’re only temporarily being fulfilled; the rest of the time is full of uncertainty, angst, pain, and sadness.
I find writing things down to be incredibly cathartic, and it’s served me well as not only a post-break-up form of therapy but also jotting my feelings down served to help guide me through understanding the toxic relationship I was in.
2. Start Breaking The Trauma Bond By Acknowledging Your Thoughts
Next, think about those obsessive thoughts. Perhaps you may think that you do not have any obsessive thoughts.
Perhaps, like most women, you feel that being addicted to your abuser makes you feel stupid. First off, you’re not; remember the science of the bond that happens. Second, due to your hormonal makeup, the addiction and the following thoughts are normal, and now is the time to deal with it!
3. Start Breaking The Trauma Bond By Writing Your Thoughts Down
Write down all the obsessive thoughts you may have regarding your toxic spouse.
For example:
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I am obsessed with preventing another cheating episode from happening.
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I am obsessed with making my abuser the person they were when we met.
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I am obsessed over our first few months together, as it felt perfect.
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I obsess over the first time he punched me in the face and left me locked in the house alone for two days.
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I obsess over how long it took him in the bathroom for fear of him calling up another woman whilst he was in there.
These are just a few things to get your mind rolling. I’d like you to try this exercise. You need to commit to yourself to live in the truth. Addictive relationships where a trauma bond has developed are just fantasies.
I want to remind you that you are in love or were in love with what you wish the other person was – you’re not in love with who your partner is.
You’re in love with an idea, a memory, a fantasy; it’s not real.
Again, if you’re similar to most women, we often deny our real feelings because we don’t want to accept that we were in a toxic relationship.
However, remember, a lot of brain chemistry is involved in creating and maintaining a trauma bond. We are addicted to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and bonding surrounding the relationship. Because a trauma bond relationship is so completely unfulfilling for us, we are left in a constant state of emptiness, which is temporarily decreased with each encounter with our object of obsession.
4. Start Breaking The Trauma Bond By Abstaining From Your Abusive Partner
Here’s probably the most difficult thing you’ll hear: You must abstain from your addiction to heal. To recover means to abstain from the relationship completely – this means zero contact at all.
This is the only way you can break free from the strong emotional attachment. You must detach. You need to prize yourself away from the unfulfilling emotional entanglements of the relationship.
I understand that this will be a very difficult part of your journey. For a long time, I would complain that I couldn’t do it, that it was too hard to leave my abuser. The brain chemicals released when you try to detach are vastly different from those released when you are with your partner – almost the opposite.
This can make it very hard to commit to detaching yourself from your abuser. The main chemical that is released during times of emotional stress is cortisol. Any trigger that evokes an emotionally stressful reaction (such as losing a loved one) releases chemicals, including cortisol.
Why Abstaining Is & Will Be Hard
As you face another emotional departure from your spouse, your system goes into overdrive, releasing stress chemicals into your body and motivating you to do something about the emotional distress you’re going through.
As you foresee the relief from the stress, your brain releases the chemicals that counteract the cortisol, such as dopamine, which offers positive feelings of anticipation. This is the ‘craving’ part of the addiction. In order to break the trauma bond, you need to understand that you are battling these chemical responses.
This does mean that by severing the relationship, you will not feel very good for a while; like any addict breaking their addiction, withdrawals are to be expected. Rest assured, just like any other addiction, if you can refuse to respond to your brain chemistry, you will get through these incredibly tough times, and your brain will eventually come to rest in a state of balance and calmness.
How To Break Trauma Bonds Using Abstinence
Here are my suggestions to help you emotionally break away from trauma bonding when you’re enduring the “craving cycle.”
#1: Find a positive distraction
Find something positive to do with your craving energy – reading, writing, walking, meditating, or any other activity that you feel you could enjoy (or used to enjoy). I know that you’ll rarely feel like doing anything other than obsessing over your abuser and craving their comfort, but I promise you that if you drag yourself up and try to do something that diverts your attention away from them, you’ll begin to feel better in the healing process.
Not immediately, but eventually.
Your mind will slowly be edging away from your constant, obsessive thoughts and onto healthier things even if you read about things like this: narcissism, abuse, or unhealthy relationships. Whilst it’s not the most feel-good topic, it means you’re educating yourself and retaining a logical approach to your situation.
When pining after an ex, blogs like this can be a comfort but also strive to make sure you have other distractions that have nothing to do with your physical and emotional attachment (such as walking, working out or reading a good book… anything that focuses on your mental health).
Doing physical things, even when you don’t feel like lifting your head from your pillow, is incredibly beneficial when you’re fixated on your abusive partner. Eventually, after a couple of months without your abusive partner, you began going to exercise classes with an old coworker or going to lunches with old family and friends.
I can’t stress how much getting out of the house will help you feel better about yourself while also giving you the socialization we desperately need!
#2: Try to connect with someone healthy.
This can be hard if your abusive partner has segregated you away from all of your close family and friends, but once you’ve ended the toxic partnership, you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the number of people you can reconnect with.
From old school friends to coworkers from a decade ago to a close friend whom you’ve drifted away from, these people are often more open to reconnecting with you than you’d imagine.
Just talking to people really opens your mind. After being in such a suppressive relationship for so long, we become eager to hear what other people live like. What they do for work, how they enjoy their evenings, how they spend their weekends, and what they do with their free time.
All of this will be alien to you because you’ve been wrapped tightly in trauma bonding
In a trauma bond, every day is almost the same and for me, hearing the exciting possibilities life could now hold is something you can only get from talking to people who have healthy relationships.
If you’re lucky enough to have a close friend or circle of friends, then reach out to them and get some healthy conversation going – even if the conversation reverts back to your abuser (we all need to talk about it from time to time, particularly during this phase), then so be it. As long as the entire conversation isn’t about your abusive partner, then you can get some emotional goodness from having a healthy conversation.
#3: Write in a journal.
Writing is not only soothing but healing. Journaling or even simply jotting your feelings down is so effective for releasing uncomfortable and unwanted emotions.
Write about how you feel and what you want out of life. It also helps to purge the emotional abuse if you write a list of all the reasons why your trauma bond is bad for you.
It’s incredibly easy to only focus on what you miss when you are going through feelings of emptiness, but it will serve to strengthen your resolve if you can focus on the negative aspects of your trauma bond.
This will help line you up with reality. Also, be sure to encourage yourself in your journal – you’re going through a tough, testing time – don’t forget to remind yourself that you’ve endured a lot and can come out of this bigger and better.
Abstaining Affirmations
Trauma bonds are an addiction; similar to a drug addiction, you will want to return to your abusive person. Below are some affirmations to use that will enable you to trust and know that you made the right decision in leaving your abusive partner!
I will trust my intuition.
You must trust your own gut instincts – you’ve been stripped of your trust in your own intuitions, but this is no longer the case. You must now take heed of what your gut is telling you.
I will no longer partake in “impossible situations.”
Not only do impossible situations not serve you, but they also aim to keep you downtrodden. Your duty to yourself is to make sure you no longer actively partake in these demoralizing situations.
I will take it one day at a time.
Taking your life one day at a time ensures you’re taking little steps every day towards becoming healed. Don’t worry about next week or month – take each day as it comes. Then, when the future arrives, you haven’t wasted your time worrying about it; you’ve lived in the now.
When I’m anxious, I will not panic with negative thoughts. I will encourage myself with positive thoughts instead.
Whatever anxieties you’re confronted with, there is no power in negative thinking. You won’t find solutions or comfort in negative thinking. Replace those toxic thoughts with positive ones: You will find a solution to anything, and if you don’t, things have a way of working themselves out anyway – don’t dwell, don’t waste your time on negative energy, and don’t feed your anxiety.
I will manage my emotions rather than have them control me.
This one does take practice, but instead of being controlled and manipulated by your own emotions (many of which will have been instilled into you by your abuser), learn to control your emotions. Know what triggers you and find ways to stop it from controlling your thoughts and actions.
I will take back my power.
The power you handed over to your abuser and the power they so callously stripped you of isn’t gone forever. Your power isn’t unreplenishable.
I will believe in myself.
This one speaks for itself. You are capable of so much if you believe in yourself.
If I feel emotionally unstable, I will not try to connect with the object of my obsession.
This will be a case of five steps backward if you do. You’ll get a temporary comfort (maybe), but then you’ll be right back at the first step in the cycle of abuse. If you feel emotionally unstable, distract yourself; if you have someone you can talk to, reach out to them. Under no circumstances will you try to reconnect with your abuser.
I will have compassion for myself and pay attention to my feelings.
Self-hatred is a common side effect of trauma bonds. You can’t heal unless you show yourself some compassion; you’re human, and you will make mistakes. It’s how you handle them and learn from them that matters. Don’t dwell on what you’ve done or the person the relationship turned you into. You deserve compassion from yourself.
I endeavor to build a brand new “toxicity-free” life for myself.
Your life is yours to build. You don’t have to live suppressed, unhappy, miserable, afraid, anxious, or without dreams. Build your nirvana.
I will enjoy the rest of my life.
I will remind myself that life can be good no matter what I’ve been through. Life can be unbelievably good. So can people. It may seem so far away, but genuinely feeling good is within your reach, but you can’t grasp the happiness you deserve while you’re in the constant toxic loop of the trauma bond.
Conclusion
The power of the trauma bond is unlike any other connection you’ll feel toward another person in your entire life. It’s an all-consuming, utterly engulfing pit of emotional purgatory.
The reality is those who’ve never had the first-hand experience of a trauma bond tend to find it difficult to fully wrap their head around the complexities, inconsistencies, and illogicalness of it all. For people like you and me, however, the reality of a trauma bond is ever prevalent, and we know more than anybody just how entirely crippling it is.
We know it’s not black and white.
Remember it’s easy to lose yourself on a recovery journey. So, anytime you feel lost, upset, guilty, or pining for your abuser, I want you to remember these things and repeat them to yourself as affirmations:
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I have no more energy to give to people who harm me.
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My emotional health is infinitely more important than supplying power to someone else’s ego.
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My newfound clarity will guide me.
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I’m becoming rational and logical, which is why I am reading this blog to begin with.
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I am worthy of happiness.
Remember, you’re worthy!
