The No. 1 Predictor of a Successful Relationship

The No. 1 Predictor of a Successful Relationship

Why is it that some couples fail while others succeed? After all, it cannot all boil down to a lack of commitment, willingness to sacrifice, or poor communication skills. What is the cherry on top that makes a relationship end or a couple divorce? And what would it take to turn a marriage around? 

To determine this, we started asking couples who were in trouble or had already divorced to see if we could find any correlations, and eventually, we found one!

This blog will discuss the common answer as to why couples divorce or decided to end their relationship!

The Feeling

Time and time again, the couple told me that the reason they were divorcing was they had lost their feeling of love for each other. Couple after the couple said they were unwilling to remain in a loveless marriage.

I would ask, “If you were in love again, would you reconsider?” Most said they might, but they didn’t believe anything could restore their love. Here was a perspective I hadn’t considered. 

My Hypothesis

The feeling of love that a couple has for each other is the result of a couple’s commitment and sacrificial love. Is it the chicken or the egg? Is a couple committed because they are in love? Are they willing to sacrifice because of their feelings toward each other? 

The way to test this hypothesis is by teaching couples how to fall in love with each other. If romantic love were the cause of a successful marriage, then a marriage counselor can teach a couple how to fall in love; hence, the marriage would become fulfilling once again. 

If the hypothesis works, a couple would then report having a renewed commitment and willingness to sacrifice for each other. 

The Issue

Loss of romantic love has never been seriously considered a cause for divorce. Every professional therapist I talked to said romantic love could not survive in marriage. They said it would last only a few months and, at the very max, last no more than three years into a marriage at best. 

So, if a couple wanted a successful marriage, they would have to accept the loss of love as being natural and inevitable. To assume anything else was an illusion, they believed. 

The issue is that Joshua and I have fallen in and out of this “romantic love” and have been married for over three years. My only conclusion is that when professional therapists tell me romantic love can not be sustained, they are, well, wrong. 

To make a long story short, over two years, I learned how to create the feeling of love in couples who had lost that feeling. I even designed a test to measure romantic love and have been using that test ever since. My history of failure as a marriage counselor turned into a future of success. 

I’ve written this blog explaining how you can save your marriage!

Sidebar
Our goal is to save as many marriages as we can. For this reason, we want to share a model that’s both the simplest and most effective for predicting marital satisfaction, one that’s proven successful when it’s followed and one that will show you how to help couples fall in love and stay in love. 

What Is The #1 Predictor of A Successful Relationship?   

Our model for marital satisfaction is that everything a husband and wife do impacts each other positively or negatively, determining their feelings for each other. 

If the couple affects each other positively enough and avoids affecting each other too negatively, they will fall in love. 

Think of the mental scoreboard that you use with people. When we do something nice, we give ourselves a point; when they do something nice, we give them 1/2 a point (which is typically how it goes), and vice versa with minus points. 

Over time, our reactions to a person accumulate, creating either a positive or negative scoreboard. When we have more positive than negative reactions to someone, their scoreboard will be positive. But if we associate someone with more negative reactions, their scoreboard will be negative. 

Our emotions interpret the balance found on each scoreboard and produce feelings for the person. If someone’s scoreboard is positive, we “like” the person; if it’s negative, we “dislike” the person. 

But, exceptional feelings are triggered if the scoreboard is particularly high (or low). 

A very high scoreboard creates that “romantic love feeling.” While a very low scoreboard creates the “hatred feelings.” 

How Do We Create A Positive Scoreboard

Similar to Pavlov’s dog theory, when someone does something that creates good feelings in another person, the person alone will eventually trigger the good feelings automatically. If the association is strong enough, it will trigger romantic love. The association of bad feelings will have the same effect. 

Positive Scoreboard For Men

Here are the top 5 ways to put up positive points on the scoreboard for men:

Admiration 
When admiration is a crucial emotional need, the absence of respect and appreciation can lead to frustration and hurt, while compliments bring immense satisfaction. 

Research shows that men often need admiration more than women, making compliments a significant part of their emotional fulfillment. However, criticism can be deeply upsetting to individuals with this need. 

To maintain a strong romantic connection, maximizing admiration and minimizing criticism is crucial, a practice that sometimes gets reversed in relationships. Couples can address this by identifying behaviors that foster or undermine admiration. 

Couples can strengthen their emotional connection and satisfy this important need by expressing genuine admiration regularly, even if it feels awkward.

Domestic support
The need for domestic support can become a significant factor in relationships, particularly after the arrival of children. Couples often start sharing household responsibilities willingly, but this need intensifies as the demands increase. 

Today, most women have full-time careers and expect their husbands to share domestic duties. However, many men still need domestic support and might not naturally gravitate toward housework. 

To address this, couples can create a division of labor by rating and prioritizing tasks based on their importance and appreciation, regardless of traditional gender roles. 

This approach motivates both spouses to help each other, ensuring that Love Bank deposits are made where they matter most, fostering a balanced and mutually satisfying domestic support system.

Physical attractiveness
For many individuals, physical attractiveness is the initial attraction and a significant factor in falling in love, continuing to hold substantial importance long after a relationship matures. 

To address this emotional need, couples should communicate preferences and work together on meeting this need. This includes selecting clothing, hairstyles, and makeup with mutual agreement. Weight management is a common concern, and successful solutions often involve establishing new eating and exercise habits with accountability and support from family members. 

When discussing this need, it’s essential to approach it with sensitivity and blend it into a broader conversation about strengthening the relationship. Despite the initial challenge, meeting the need for physical attractiveness is often relatively straightforward once addressed constructively.

Recreational companionship
The need for recreational companionship combines the desire to engage in leisure activities and having a companion. This need ranks high among most men’s emotional needs, often observed in dating practices where men invite their partners to join them in sports, competitive games, and outdoor pursuits. 

However, after marriage, couples tend to pursue separate recreational interests, missing opportunities to make a point on the scoreboard by participating in activities that fulfill their partner’s emotional needs. 

The solution isn’t expecting partners to do everything together but rather discovering shared interests among the vast array of possibilities, as finding even five activities they both enjoy can enhance their relationship significantly.

Sexual fulfillment
The emotional need for sexual fulfillment is a craving for sexual experiences. When these experiences are provided often enough, a person with this need feels intense pleasure, and when they’re not provided, he feels intense frustration. The need is caused almost entirely by the hormone testosterone, secreted in abundance in most men. 

An Irresistible Woman

An irresistible wife fulfills her husband’s five most important emotional needs. She excels in providing sexual fulfillment by understanding her own desires and sharing this information to create a satisfying sexual relationship.

She actively engages in his favorite recreational activities, becoming his preferred companion. She maintains her physical fitness and appearance, attracting him privately and publicly. She efficiently manages household tasks and child-rearing without feeling overwhelmed.

Most importantly, she constantly appreciates and respects him, avoiding criticism. When these needs are met, the scoreboard will show her winning and make him find her irresistible.

Positive Scoreboard For Women

Here are the top 5 ways to put up positive points on the scoreboard for women:

Affection    
Affection is vital in a marital relationship, signifying care, protection, and importance. While many people, especially women, crave affection and feel fulfilled by it, some husbands claim they’re not the affectionate type. 

However, anyone can learn to be affectionate, and an unaffectionate spouse fails to make easy points on the scoreboard. To address this, couples should identify desired affectionate behaviors and document a plan to meet the need for affection. 

Regular conversations can help the husband become more affectionate and genuinely communicate his care and love to his wife.

Conversation
You need conversation if you have a strong desire to talk about daily experiences, personal feelings, and future plans. Often, after marriage, women find that their husbands seem less interested in talking, leading to frustration and missed opportunities for scoreboard points. 

To address this, couples can use.

Couples can make scheduled conversations of at least thirty minutes. This helps meet the need for conversation and enhances conflict resolution by fostering respect and understanding in marital communication.

Honesty and Openness     
The need for honesty and openness in a relationship involves a desire for transparency, where both partners share their positive and negative feelings, past events, daily activities, and future plans. 

These qualities are important and essential for effective conflict resolution in marriage, preventing misunderstandings, and enabling mutually acceptable solutions. Moreover, dishonesty can lead to significant trust issues and emotional barriers, draining the scoreboard. 

To promote honesty, a rule called the Policy of Radical Honesty is introduced, urging couples to share as much information as possible.

While complete honesty should be the norm, our culture often tolerates some level of dishonesty. By fostering open communication and addressing the reasons behind dishonesty, couples can work towards meeting the need for honesty and openness in their marriage.

Financial Support     
Many women marry for financial security, a need that often becomes more apparent, particularly after having children. While new wives may not prioritize financial support among their top emotional needs, those with children typically do. 

Even though modern families don’t always require the husband’s financial support, meeting this emotional need still matters. To address it, husbands are encouraged to assess their income and, if necessary, request a raise. 

A “needs budget” helps wives recognize that their husband’s income supports their basic living expenses. If the income falls short, adjustments can be made jointly to ensure both spouses’ needs are met.

Family Commitment 
The emotional need for family commitment involves a desire for assistance in the moral and educational development of one’s children. This need is distinct from mere child care and encompasses taking responsibility for nurturing children’s values and skills that will shape them into successful adults. 

It includes activities such as reading to them, educational outings, assisting with homework, and employing effective child-training methods. Satisfying this need requires dedicated “quality family time” scheduled by the husband, involving activities like family meals, walks, attending religious services, meetings, cooperative games, and more. 

These activities meet the wife’s emotional need for a family commitment, typically around fifteen hours of such quality time each week, while ensuring both spouses and children enjoy them.

The Irresistible Husband    

An irresistible husband conveys his love through verbal expressions and thoughtful gestures like cards, flowers, gifts, and everyday courtesies. He nurtures an affectionate atmosphere by frequently hugging and kissing his wife, demonstrating his care. 

Regular, meaningful conversations are a staple, devoid of demands, judgments, anger, or fixation on past mistakes. He practices complete honesty, sharing all aspects of his life, thoughts, and feelings fostering trust through transparency. 

Financially, he takes responsibility for providing the essentials for their family, striving for adequacy through skill improvement or job changes without overextending his work hours. He actively participates in the moral and educational development of their children, consulting with his wife and ensuring shared enthusiasm for child-training methods. 

When a husband fulfills these emotional needs, he accumulates love units that breach the threshold of romantic love in his wife’s Love Bank, making him irresistible to her.

What Should A Couple Do If Their Scoreboard Is Negative Already

A negative scoreboard in marriage can continue to occur indefinitely, and when that happens, not only do spouses stop loving each other, but they start disliking each other. 

If the scoreboard stays negative, they can come to hate each other. In this scenario, instead of feeling committed and willing to love unconditionally, they are uncommitted and unwilling to do anything for each other. 

Typically, these couples don’t feel like being nice—they feel like being mean. So, instead of wanting to make each other happy, they want to make each other unhappy. In other words, a couple in an unhappy marriage is in a negative feedback loop. 

This helps explain why bad marriages can get so abusive and dangerous before a divorce. Instead of trying to heal the relationship, spouses do what they can to hurt each other with greater effort and imagination. 

This spot is hard for most couples to work through on their own, hence why we recommend counseling. You can contact us below if interested!