His & Her Needs!

Sex can bring about profound pleasure in a marriage, but it also holds the potential to cause significant pain due to misunderstandings between spouses. While both genders crave intimacy, men often express it through sex and women through communication. This blog will explore the typical sexual needs of men and women.

Before we explore the primary needs, please review and respond to the following questions:

• What are your top five sex needs?  

• What would your spouse say are your top five sex needs?  

• What do you think are your spouse’s top five sex needs?  

• What would your spouse say are his or her top five sex needs?    

Below we’ll discuss common needs, but know yours may vary, which is okay. What’s crucial is to understand and communicate your needs, as well as your spouse’s actual needs, not just your assumptions. This process requires thoughtful communication and respect. Discussing sexual needs can be challenging, so aim for understanding rather than judgment. If you’re unsure about your needs, this blog will help enhance your understanding.

Without Further Ado. 

What Are A Women’s Top 3 Sex Needs?

Affirmation    

The majority of women need assurance that their husband acknowledges and appreciates the efforts they put in for them and their family. When I hear phrases like “Thank you,” “You did a great job,” or “You’re such a wonderful mother,” it fosters a feeling of intimacy toward my husband, making me more receptive to his physical affection.

Affirmation is essential to a successful sexual relationship. 

The significance of this is so profound that 65 percent of the women we surveyed ranked it as their top sexual need. So, what does affirmation entail? 

In essence, affirming your wife involves bolstering her self-confidence. It encompasses giving her sincere compliments, attentively listening to her words, providing her the chance to take a breather from her hectic lifestyle, praising her in the presence of others, and offering encouragement when she feels disheartened.

Affirmation involves highlighting her accomplishments, forgiving her shortcomings, and expressing your gratitude for her actions. This becomes particularly crucial during intimate moments. Women need to be told how stunning they are and how deeply they fulfill their husbands’ desires.

The truth is a majority of women struggle with body image. 

Regardless of their age or physical condition, they constantly compare themselves to other women or even to their own previous best—which could be from their high school days.

Why do you think women constantly ask, “How do I look? Do I look fat?”   

Connection    

The secret to a woman’s sexual enthusiasm, receptiveness, and capacity to initiate intimacy is a potent emotional bond. Women find their sex lives fulfilling when there’s an emotional or spiritual connection preceding the physical interaction between both partners.

In essence, when a husband forms an emotional bond with his wife, he paves the way for sexual intimacy. Women crave physical closeness, but for them, it doesn’t originate there.

They first need emotional closeness. 

Every time you come across a couple with a vibrant sex life, it’s because the man comprehends the significance of catering to his wife’s needs.

This man likely pauses his activities to welcome her with a kiss, inquires about her day, attentively listens to her, and maintains physical proximity while engaging in activities like reading or watching TV. 

Even when she is fatigued and stressed, the time he has spent bonding with her aids her in relaxing, making her more receptive to fulfilling both his and her own sexual desires.

A man ought to realize that building a connection is a round-the-clock process. He should understand that a compliment at 7:30 doesn’t automatically lead to intimacy at 8:30. He comprehends that to fulfill his wife’s needs, he must be present in the moment and not emotionally or mentally disconnected.

Women need to experience an emotional connection with their husbands every day. 

Here are some methods women shared with us about connecting with their husbands:

• I feel a strong connection with my husband when we go for lengthy walks or exercise together while conversing. 

• The moments when my husband checks up on me simply to express his love or to let me know that I’m on his mind, that’s when I feel connected to him. 

• Our bond is strengthened through touch and shared activities such as doing household chores together, strolling side by side in the grocery store, or watching TV.  

• When my husband inquires about my prayer needs and shares the lessons he’s learning in his spiritual journey, I feel deeply connected to him.

God unites men and women through various means. Men, through sex, invite women into a physical bond, while women, through emotional connection, draw men into an emotional bond. We complement each other perfectly.

Nonsexual Touch    

Imagine this scenario: it’s almost the end of the day, a mountain of unfolded laundry looms, hungry kids are clamoring, dinner is on the brink of spilling over, and the wife wishes for just fifteen minutes of peace to wrap up her tasks before she can finally unwind. Then, unexpectedly, her husband appears and plants a passionate kiss on her lips.

It’s the kind of kiss that says, “We have ten minutes before dinner, and I’m in the mood for some intimacy.”

Here’s the difference between a husband and a wife. It’s the wife’s goal to complete her to-do list, while the husband’s goal is to do the wife. 

Despite her love for you, you have chosen an inconvenient time to initiate intimacy in such situations. She perceives you as an obstacle preventing her from ticking off the tasks on her list—the one she made at sunrise and hopes to finish before dinner. It’s not that she’s averse to intimacy; it’s just that she’s not in the mood at that moment.

Most men think that their wives should be able to let go of their to-do lists. But that’s not how a woman’s mind functions.

She could be ready to be intimate with you once her to-do list is finished but not before!

Therefore, the issue isn’t so much the husband’s kiss itself but rather the nature of the kiss. For most women in this situation, the kiss should merely be a token of affection with no hidden agendas. However, for the husband, the kiss serves as a prelude to intimacy, a step in the build-up to sex.

The majority of wives crave something that is a common need and desire among women: physical affection that doesn’t necessarily lead to sexual intimacy. They need the reassurance that not every physical gesture from their husbands comes with the anticipation of progressing toward intercourse.

Some of you might be pondering, “Does nonsexual touch even exist? Isn’t the majority of physical contact between spouses meant to culminate in intimacy?” The answer is it’s complicated; while some touches may lead to sex, not all are intended to.

In simple terms, nonsexual touch or affection is a form of intimacy in its own right. It’s not just a pathway to something else. In many cases, it is the ultimate goal. Nonsexual touch or affection is an embodiment of intimacy itself.

Men must grasp the nature of touch that resonates with a woman. Over 80 percent of a woman’s desire for meaningful touch is nonsexual in nature. Most psychologists agree that a substantial number of women value and cherish physical gestures such as a hug, a touch, a kiss, or hand-holding—any tactile indication that they are appreciated and special.

Nonsexual Touch Vs. Foreplay Touch 

Nonsexual touch is a display of loving tenderness. While it might carry an undertone of sexual stimulation, its ultimate aim is not intercourse. In contrast, foreplay touch is intended to usher a couple into sexual intimacy. The issue arises when, for a man, all forms of touch seem identical. However, his wife does not perceive it in the same way.

Gentlemen, bear with us. We comprehend that it might be challenging for you to grasp how a tender touch can remain nonsexual. Imagine this: you initiate a shoulder massage, and you become stimulated, assuming you’ve transitioned into the realm of sexual intimacy. She, on the other hand, perceives it as a simple, affectionate gesture. But when you begin to advance, she recoils and withdraws. So, what exactly transpired?

When men go from nonsexual touch (which, in most cases, let’s be honest, is actually sexual touch) to trying to score—they won’t. It’s that simple. 

Some men persist in this endeavor, continue to stumble, and remain perplexed. The truth is, when you fulfill your wife’s desire for affection, you rejuvenate her tired soul and aid in her relaxation. Your giving to her starts to restore her vitality.

When you engage in physical contact with her without any anticipation of it leading to sexual intimacy, she tends to feel more at ease and subsequently more receptive to sexual activity in the future. However, if you initiate touch with the intention of steering it toward sexual intimacy, it could potentially sap her energy and push her beyond her comfort zone.

Why?

If your wife is similar to many women, her day is usually spent fulfilling the needs of others—constantly giving. This can leave her feeling exhausted and depleted. Therefore, when her husband arrives home and immediately shifts into a “receiving” mode, she might not have anything left to offer.

She’s empty. 

This implies that sexual intimacy may be postponed for a considerable duration. Your wife requires you to provide an environment that is both safe and non-intimidating. Nonsexual touch replenishes her energy and fosters this sense of security.

Yes, she really does want to meet your sexual needs, but she needs time to refuel.

You can assist in recharging her by offering gentle affection without any ulterior motives! You can express love to your wife by setting aside your own desires, refraining from insisting on your own way and serving her through positive affirmations, bonding, and nonsexual touch.

For a woman, great sex happens in the context of being held, laughing together, feeling accepted, and sharing feelings. 

Emotional closeness provides profound satisfaction for a woman. While it doesn’t substitute her desire for physical intimacy, her emotional requirements are as fervent as her husband’s physical ones. When her husband meets and maintains her emotional needs by affirming her, spending quality time together, and displaying affection, she feels rejuvenated and secure. This environment facilitates her comfort in being physically intimate with her husband.

What Are A Men’s Top 3 Sex Needs?

Mutual Satisfaction    

Many women are shocked about the fact that men’s top three sex needs are mutual satisfaction, connection, and responsiveness. 

Indeed, men not only desire but also NEED a physical release. This need arises as testosterone accumulates in their systems; a discharge is needed.

Indeed, men frequently contemplate sex, but they are also inherently designed with a profound yearning for their wives to derive as much pleasure from the experience as they do. Most men believe that a healthy sexual relationship is one where both the husband and wife achieve satisfaction during their intimate moments.

Despite a husband’s actions possibly indicating that sex revolves solely around him, deep down, he earnestly seeks to satisfy his wife as much as he yearns for satisfaction himself. This is the reason why a man feels uneasy when he perceives his wife to be discontent with their sexual relationship. For a man, sexual satisfaction transcends mere physical gratification. The goal of mutually satisfying sex isn’t limited to achieving orgasm but also encompasses finding satisfaction through emotional and spiritual bonding.

Remember that a significant part of a man’s self-perception is intertwined with his sexuality!

That’s why a man frequently wonders, “Am I a good lover?” “Am I capable?” “Can I please her” “Can I do it well?” If a woman refuses or shows disinterest in having sex with her husband, he will conclude that he lacks sexual prowess. This leads to an internal echo of ‘NO’ to these queries, resulting in a significant blow to his self-esteem.

The common perception is that women are more emotional than men. Similarly, when it comes to intimacy, it’s widely believed that men are primarily interested in the act itself, while women are more invested in the emotional connection and affectionate aspects. 

As a result, women often assume that men lack emotional involvement. However, this is not the case. Men have emotions strongly tied to intimacy, and when their partners decline their advances, it shortcircuits these feelings.

Ladies, your husbands genuinely aspire to bring you joy. When a wife derives pleasure from her husband’s actions, it makes him feel desired. Their intimate sexual encounters validate his manhood. They communicate to him, “I cherish the qualities that define you as a man.”

Some women may hear that their husband wants to please them and think, why doesn’t my husband attempt to please me then, never worrying about my climax. 

Sadly chances are your marriage is probably having some marital problems, and your husband’s ego has been bruised so much that he knows he cannot please you; therefore, why bother? Instead, his mind tells him just to get the release and move on. 

 Connection    

Physical and emotional intimacy fosters a deeper bond between men and their wives, hence why many men rank connection as a primary need in sex. Connecting within the bedroom is straightforward; it’s through sexual intercourse. For a husband, sex cultivates a connection just as conversation and assistance with household tasks do for a wife. It’s as uncomplicated as that.

Most connections with a guy are not big energy expenditures. But they do take some thought. 

To make a connection with a man, a wife can ask herself what can I do to say: 

• You are important to me

• You are a priority

• I love you 

Gently caressing his arm. Massaging his back. Giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze as you pass by. Engaging in playful footsie or knee rubbing beneath the table. Interlocking fingers. Resting your hand on his knee during a car ride. Locking eyes with him. Sending him an air kiss.

These are powerful ways a husband and wife connect. 

When a wife comprehends her husband’s physical necessities, not just within the confines of the bedroom but beyond it as well, she effectively communicates her desire to bond with him. Similar to women, men also crave understanding, attentive listening, acceptance, care, encouragement, and attention.

This kind of connection only occurs when a wife seeks to learn what’s important to her husband! Typically it’s work, sports, his opinions/beliefs, hobbies, and his guarded emotions. 

• When a wife establishes such connections with her husband, it not only demonstrates the importance she attaches to their relationship but also reflects the value she perceives in him.

• When a wife understands what’s important to her husband, encourages it, talks about it, and gives him room to work on it (jackpot), you just connected with him! He will feel understood and that you connected with him. 

• When a woman stops “her priorities” (the house isn’t clean, the kids aren’t ready for bed, whatever it may be) and focuses on his priorities, you will find that he will start to relax and invite you into his thoughts.

Wives enter your husband’s world, listen, touch them, and encourage them; put everything down and just focus on them! 

The bond you establish with your husband will heighten his emotional reliance on you. His attraction to you will amplify. He’ll find joy in sharing laughter with you. What once might have been irritating quirks he now finds charming and unique. He will accept you wholly. Transparency and emotional assurance are the cornerstones of preserving a deep and intimate connection.

A study conducted by University of Washington psychologist and marriage researcher John Gottman found that emotional connection was the missing element in marriages that ended in divorce. 

Gottman’s research involved observing couples in conversation and interaction. They discovered that couples frequently made ‘bids’ or gestures for emotional connection, such as a question, a glance, or a gentle touch. 

The way these bids were responded to significantly influenced the quality of their relationships. The study found that husbands who eventually divorced overlooked their wives’ bids 82% of the time, compared to 19% for those in stable marriages. 

Similarly, women who later divorced disregarded their husbands’ bids 50% of the time, while those in lasting marriages ignored only 14%. 

Happy couples, on average, made up to 100 bids during a dinner hour. Gottman concluded that the satisfaction in your sex life directly correlates with how often you seek and respond to your spouse’s attempts to connect.

Wives, your husbands will feel honored, valued, and drawn to you when you bid for their connection or respond to their bids.

Why Connection Can Be Difficult

Understanding a husband’s emotions isn’t as straightforward as having a chat with a friend. Many men are conditioned to suppress their emotions in the name of masculinity, often limiting their emotional range. 

Although husbands do feel emotions, their expressions may seem unfamiliar to wives. Hence, patience is key. They might struggle to express their feelings appropriately. Often, addressing their physical needs can help in unlocking their emotional side.

When men are overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, or experiencing loss, they often retreat into themselves for self-protection. They may avoid communication and conflicts. However, making an effort to connect with his thoughts and dreams can lead to a significant transformation in him. 

Often, this connection is facilitated through intimacy.

Instead of pressuring your husband to express his feelings openly, as a wife, you should focus on being sexually available to him. Engage in flirtatious behavior and make romantic gestures throughout the day. This approach can help him open up in his own time and way.

Remember, sexual release helps men become emotionally open.

It’s important for a wife to understand that sex is her husband’s avenue to connection. 

Experiment

Try initiating a conversation with your husband about thirty minutes after sex unless it’s in the middle of the night. Ask yourself:

• Is he more receptive? 

• Does he connect more? 

Often, the answer is yes. Men typically need time to rest and recuperate after sex due to physiological reasons. However, after about half an hour, they tend to be more tender, less frustrated, and more open to connection.

 Responsiveness    

“Why doesn’t she ever want to have sex?” – A Lot Of Unsatisfied Husbands

When a husband’s advances are consistently rebuffed by his wife, he may perceive her lack of sexual interest as an indication that she doesn’t value him or consider his needs significant. This can lead to feelings of insignificance and neglect!

This does not imply that a wife is never allowed to decline sex. There are certain instances when engaging in sexual activity may not be feasible. 

But it’s important to understand what a lack of response will communicates. 

When a husband’s sexual advance is declined, he often feels emotionally rejected. Contrary to popular belief, men can be extremely sensitive, especially regarding intimacy. If a wife acknowledges her husband’s sexual needs, he feels loved. Conversely, if these needs are disregarded or explicitly rejected, he may feel unloved and unwanted. Her indifference or complaints can hurt him. For many men, sex is their means of feeling closeness.

When a wife rebuffs or ignores his sexual advances, it can unintentionally convey a lack of desire for closeness. Even if she doesn’t mean to send this message, it’s often hard for a man not to interpret it that way. 

After a wife says, “Not tonight,” his mind may fill with irrational thoughts: 

1. She doesn’t love me anymore. 

2. I’m not attractive to her.

3. She’s interested in someone else.

4. Our marriage is doomed. 

5. She’s punishing me. 

6. She cares more about the kids than about me. 

7. Her to-do list is more important to her than I am. 

8. She hates having sex with me.

Many wives are familiar with the force of such illogical thought processes, as they, too, grapple with it frequently.

When a husband initiates intimacy, he seeks reciprocation from his wife. In his book “Love Life for Every Married Couple,” Ed Wheat emphasizes “that a wife’s response can be a delightful gift for her husband. However, many women might not fully comprehend the significance of the sexual relationship with their husbands, both physically and emotionally. Most women do not realize that avoiding sex or showing indifference will negatively impact their whole marital relationship.” 

A word of caution to wives who show indifference: Lack of sexual intimacy with your husband will eliminate ANY emotional and spiritual bond you share.

One of the greatest threats to a husband’s sense of worth is his sexuality.

Sexual fulfillment can significantly enhance a husband’s appreciation for his wife. When a man’s sexual needs are met, he tends to reciprocate with gratitude and affection. He may head to work feeling content and return home eager to do something special for his wife; rather than feeling burdened by household tasks or appearing distant during conversations, a sexually satisfied man is likely to be more enthusiastic and attentive.

Some wives may think, “I’ve tried that, but it didn’t work.” However, this isn’t something you just “try.” A single satisfying sexual encounter will please a man temporarily. But if he faces rejection the next three times, those rejections will overshadow the memory of that one special night.

Reacting positively to your husband’s sexual initiatives can boost his sexual confidence, making him more considerate and attentive. This will transform him into a confident lover who satisfies you maturely and appropriately. While a wife usually craves tenderness before sex, a husband often requires sexual release to express tenderness.

Although a wife typically needs tenderness before sex, a husband often needs a sexual release to experience tenderness. 

Just know: if you physically respond to fulfill his needs without genuinely engaging, you’re not truly meeting his needs. It’s akin to asking him to go wash the dishes instead.