Cracking the Code: How to Understand Your Partner
We all want the same things – to give and receive love, appreciation, and care. When these elements are present and reciprocated, it paves the way for a beautiful romantic relationship. However, there’s an issue that many of us often overlook: we are very different!
Our differences trigger massive misunderstandings. Misunderstandings can turn a wonderful and healthy relationship between two seemingly perfectly matched people into a total disaster. These misunderstandings can cause pain, suspicion, anguish, anger, violence, sorrow, and other emotions.
Some of us have learned how to identify misunderstandings, approach them, and prevent them from causing harm or at least mitigate any potential damage they might inflict. While others haven’t.
Regardless of where you are on the spectrum, this blog will help you to become an understanding partner by better learning about what causes misunderstandings. Let’s Dive In!
What Are Misunderstandings In A Relationship?
Misunderstandings for men occur when they fail to comprehend the meaning behind a woman’s words, actions, body language or reactions. Similarly, for women, misunderstandings arise when they struggle to interpret the intentions behind a man’s speech, behavior, or responses.
Related Reading: Understanding A Woman Better By Learning Her Purpose
Generally, when individuals of different genders fail to understand each other, we tend to leap to incorrect assumptions. To shield ourselves, we react wrongly, perceiving an attack where none was intended and consequently launching into defensive mode.
The pattern goes something like this:
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A person makes a statement.
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Their partner, due to misunderstanding, hears something unintended.
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Consequently, they react defensively.
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The ‘attacker’ is unprepared for the retaliation as they feel they did not say anything they thought deserved the attack in the first place.
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Taken aback, they retaliate to this apparent attack.
We all know what will happen for at least the next few minutes, hours, or even days. Something so minuscule is now escalated to World War III.
The wonderful thing is that it is easy to break this pattern of misunderstanding, attack, and retaliate by recognizing and understanding common differences between the sexes.
What Are Some Differences Between Women and Men?
Beyond the clear-cut differences like physique, breast and buttock dimensions, sexual anatomy, voice timbre, body hair distribution, body language, speech styles, social skills, physical power, preferences, and communication methods, among many others, we differ significantly more than we resemble each other. Here are 7 examples to provide a glimpse into these contrasts:
1. We hear differently.
Women generally have a higher sensitivity to sounds compared to men. As women’s hearing declines, it does so more evenly across all frequencies, whereas men are more prone to losing hearing at the high or low ends of the range. Furthermore, women can differentiate between five distinct tones, while men typically discern only three.
Furthermore, brain scans of men while they are reading, writing, working, etc., show them to be almost deaf. If the phone rings while there is noise, he will (mentally) turn off everything that is making any noise or leave, with the phone in hand, to a quiet location.
The noise interferes with his ability to listen and understand the words he hears. However, a woman does not need to do this.
She can speak surrounded by noise and still understand everything she hears on the phone and around her. Other sounds in no way handicap her.
Why?
Because her brain is built to differentiate among all the sounds and activities that surround her, a man’s brain does not work in the same way – he is ‘tuned’ by nature to concentrate on a single sound – the sound of the deer’s pounding hoofs, the roar of a predator, or the orders from the hunt leader.
The Common Statements We Hear To Signify The Difference:
Do you even listen to me?
I just wish he wasn’t so harsh, critical, or tone-deaf.
2. Women have a better memory for recalling events & individuals
Women tend to excel in recalling details. At an event, a woman can recall what they wore, what they drank, who they talked to, what the person looked like, what they talked about the other person’s body language during the conversation, and their own body language, along with an in-depth analysis of how these things made them feel. This proficiency may be attributed to a more person-centric approach often exhibited by women compared to men.
Interestingly, research has also indicated that both genders display a better memory for women’s appearances than men’s. The reason behind this observation is suggested to be linked to sexual factors.
The Common Statements We Hear To Signify The Difference:
How do you not remember (fill in the blank…)
3. We Communicate Differently
Men: When men communicate, they often employ a method known as systematizing. This approach aims to accomplish a specific objective, simplifying the topic at hand into an easy-to-understand ‘system’ or ‘set of guidelines that can be effortlessly managed.
Men engage in this systematic communication style to disseminate factual information about an issue, deliberate on potential solutions, and compete amongst themselves. This approach also aids them in ascending the corporate hierarchy, enhancing their status, and showcasing their superior knowledge and abilities.
Women: On the other hand, women typically communicate with an intent to express empathy, forge relationships, solicit a deeper understanding and support, and comprehend their own as well as their partner’s emotions.
Women aim for broad consensus on matters and focus on establishing connections among people. Women can easily discuss personal topics in intimate groups where agreement can be reached. Their superior relationship skills shine particularly in small decision-making groups.
Women are at ease discussing issues, achieving consensus, and nurturing relationships! Men, on the other hand, find comfort in disseminating knowledge and information!
4. We Listen Differently
Women tend to be active listeners, displaying engagement through actions like nodding, maintaining eye contact, and commenting throughout a discussion. Men, conversely, have a different approach. They often appear indifferent during a conversation as they seldom interrupt, display facial expressions, or make physical gestures that would suggest involvement, at least from a woman’s perspective.
A dialogue between two women not only addresses the initial topics but also meanders into personal remarks. These may include discussions about shopping, passing references to children and clothes before eventually circling back to the main topic.
This style of conversation can persist for an extended period, characterized by consistent eye contact, affirming noises, soft inquiries, and clarifications. The reasons for its broad scope are to uphold emotional involvement and empathy throughout the discussion.
In a conversation, each woman typically takes turns discussing various subjects of interest. Contrarily, men tend to stay on topic, seldom incorporating personal aspects into the conversation unless they are competing over an issue. They infrequently make eye contact and aim to resolve the issue as swiftly and efficiently as possible, with minimal social interaction.
5. We Use Different Language
Women often employ emotionally charged language, using words like wonderful, awful, hateful, never, and always. This style of communication is typically effective when conversing with other women, as they comprehend the use of such words for emphasis rather than precise descriptions. In contrast, men seldom use this kind of language, as they interpret these words differently.
This observation aligns with research findings that suggest women tend to express more emotions in their language compared to men. For instance, studies show that women use more emotional words
Men rarely use these types of words because men understand them very differently.
A piece of advice for men: Cease hearing your partner as if you were listening to another man. Women often employ what men might term as ‘expressive’ language to add emotional weight (which men can understand with active listening). However, if you observe that your partner frequently uses this kind of language and it’s causing difficulty in understanding her, then politely request her to limit such language and strive to overlook it when listening to her.
6. Our Brains Are Wired To Think Differently
Think of a man’s brain as a storage unit, and inside are boxes; each box contains just one idea, thought, or ability.
There are boxes for everything – their job, sport (one for each sport they are interested in, and they all sit inside their master box), and another for family and so forth. Note: these boxes do not touch, and there are not multiple boxes out at a time!
When a problem arises, men select the correct box and discuss ONLY what’s inside. Once all the work is complete, the new information, along with the old, is filed away in the correct box until it is needed next.
Hence why men are task-oriented.
Furthermore: there is a special box. This box is ALWAYS empty – when it is out, he does nothing and empties his mind of all his thoughts. This is where a man goes to de-stress and forget all the worries, fears, and concerns he has. If a man does not have a problem to solve or a job to do, he will drift into his empty box. If a woman remembers the nothing box she will drastically unders
This is where he recharges his batteries, and it is this box that a man will go to every chance he gets.
However, women are completely different!
If you picture a woman’s mind as a storage unit, there are no boxes. Everything is out, and everything touches each other hence why a woman cannot shut off her mind and stop thinking.
(This is also why most women cannot comprehend the idea of having anything going on in their heads).
They are always thinking about something or someone. Women move from one activity to another, often doing more than one thing or thinking about more than one thing at a time – cooking, cleaning, talking on the phone, and feeding the baby all at once – a situation that a man would not be able to manage as well if at all.
The Common Statements We Hear To Signify The Difference:
What are you talking about? How did we get onto this subject? How are you thinking about absolutely nothing?
7. Our Brains Develop Differently
Research shows the corpus callosum, a bundle of nerve fibers that links the right and left hemispheres of the brain, stays unaltered in female babies. However, it begins to deteriorate in male babies, leading to a decrease in the efficiency of communication between the two brain hemispheres.
Men are born to think with either the right or left hemisphere but rarely with both simultaneously. Women are not limited in the same way. They are free to use both hemispheres at the same time because of the undamaged communications pathways in the corpus callosum.
Also, estrogen, a female hormone, encourages nerve cells to grow more connections inside the brain and between the hemispheres while a fetus is still in the womb. Because of this, women understand their environment from more than a single perspective.
Women have logic and reasoning, as well as highly tuned and complex feelings and emotions and the thinking that goes with those feelings – something that males are not good at.
These developments make women more in touch with their own feelings and allow them to express themselves easily while also giving them better abilities to bond and connect with others.
The Common Statements We Hear To Signify The Difference:
I just wish he was more in touch with his own feelings, or I just wish she wasn’t so sensitive.
How Do Are Differences As Men & Women Playout?
As you look at these distinct differences, I am sure you see multiple issues that can develop as a result. Here is a potential scenario where these differences can cause a massive fight:
In January, Jill asks Joshua (while working, watching tv, etc.) if they can go to dinner with her parents in two weeks; Joshua says sure.
The day arrives. Joshua comes home and totally forgets about the dinner that was planned. When he learns that he now needs to get dressed and go to a dinner that he doesn’t want to go to, he doesn’t respond favorably.
Jill says I can’t believe you forgot we planned this weeks ago; you know, “You NEVER listen to me!”
Joshua does not think or acknowledge that his partner’s feelings are probably hurt and responds to address the fact that he “NEVER” listens to her.
Internally Joshua feels that he must refute this claim, thinking, “That’s inaccurate because I do listen to her sometimes; she must be overreacting due to hormonal changes!” Consequently, Joshua starts addressing the fact that he never listens to her. Jill, in turn, brings up other issues, and boom, they are arguing about multiple things that have nothing to do with the dinner.
How to be more understanding of your partner…
1. The lesson for both men and women is to use active listening to better understand your partner’s emotions which will drive a deeper understanding.
2. Men- pause and stop what you are doing when your partner is talking. Take a minute to listen and respond before agreeing to things when you hear only a portion of what the woman is saying.
3. Guys, be aware that expressions like “wonderful,” “always,” and “never” are often used to add emotional richness to your partner’s feelings. Don’t take these words too literally.
4. Ladies, understand that when a man is focused on a task, he typically can’t multitask or fully listen when interrupted. If you’re seeking your partner’s perspective or an emotional connection, consider trying again later.
5. Ladies, it’s a good idea to steer clear of words like “always” when talking to men. They often interpret such expressions literally, and it may lead them to focus solely on that specific word, making it challenging for them to listen to anything else you say.
In the above scenario, upon hearing a statement such as, “You NEVER listen to me,” a man’s typical response might be: “That’s incorrect. I do pay attention to what you say. Just last night, we had an extensive discussion about our upcoming holiday destination. Therefore, it’s evident I DO listen to you.
A man will interpret the use of the word ‘NEVER’ as a genuine accusation – that he NEVER listens!
Similar examples include:
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You never make time for me.
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You dislike all my friends.
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You don’t listen to me.
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You’re always hanging out with your buddies.
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You’re never on time.
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Why do we always celebrate Christmas with your family?
How Can I Avoid Misunderstandings In My Relationship?
The above scenario could’ve happened like this:
Jill learns that her parents want to go to dinner on Tuesday night. She walks into Joshua’s office and sees that he is working. Jill asks Joshua if he can jump into their calendar later.
A few hours go past, and Joshua and Jill connect about their calendar.
Joshua agrees to the dinner, and they schedule calendar reminders a week, a day, and a few hours before the dinner.
In addition, perhaps Jill says to Joshua hey babe, can you be home on time tonight as we’re expecting my parents for dinner?
Next thing you know, the crisis has been averted!!
Conclusion
Our disparities between genders can result in significant relationship problems. They can lead to misunderstanding, invalidating, or not supporting our partner’s feelings. If our partner’s feelings remain invalidated for a prolonged period, they will cause tension and significantly contribute to a breakdown in our romantic relationship.
Suppose we learn about and study our differences. In that case, we can better understand our partner’s perspective, know how our partner feels on a deeper level, and healthily navigate our partner’s emotions in the ups and downs of life, all while avoiding the common misunderstandings that create conflict in our relationships!
