The Struggle of Singleness: Learning to Be Content But Not Always Happy

Singlehood can be a tricky thing. 

You’re on your own, free to do what you want when you want it. 

But when you’re getting older and want to start a family, it can feel like you’re running out of time.

I have a lot of single friends who are in this exact boat. 

They’re going on dates, using dating apps, and doing everything they can to find that special someone. 

But the reality is, it’s tough out there.

One friend, let’s call her Jane, has been on countless dates over the past year. She’s even tried online dating but hasn’t had much luck. She’s starting to feel like she will never find the right person. Another friend, let’s call him Rodney, is a total catch. He’s funny, charming, and has a great job. But for some reason, he keeps striking out. He’s tried everything from speed dating to blind dates, but nothing seems to work.

It’s tough to watch my friends struggle like this. But I know they’re not alone. According to a recent study, over 50% of Americans are single. That’s a lot of people out there looking for love.

And while getting discouraged is easy, I want my single friends to know I’m rooting for them. I may not be in the same boat as them anymore, but I remember what it was like to be single and searching.

So, to all my single friends:

I recently discovered my journal and want to share some of my thoughts from when I was single and tell you what I now would say to myself or want to hear on those days when life sucked. 

As a single person, I often struggled between being content and not constantly feeling happy. God tells us to be content in all situations, including singleness. But let’s be real; sometimes it feels like He forgot to include the part about being constantly happy.

The Vicious Cycle of Negative Feelings Associated with Singleness

Getting caught in a vicious cycle of negative feelings associated with singleness is easy. It’s like a never-ending rollercoaster ride that you can’t seem to get off of. It starts with loneliness. Oh, the dreaded loneliness. It creeps up when least expected and lingers around like a bad smell. You can try to ignore it and focus on other things. But the guilt sets in, and you think: How can I feel lonely when I have so much goodness in my life? I should be grateful and content.

Then there’s the shame. The shame for not being “good enough.” 

The shame of being a Christian and struggling with these unhappy emotions in the first place. Isn’t there supposed to be some “aura of contentment” that people keep insisting singles are supposed to achieve before they get married? 

I always started questioning my faith and wondering if something was wrong with me.

But then, just when I think I’m getting over the loneliness, it circles back around again. It’s like a boomerang that you can’t escape. 

And the worst part?

You have nobody to share my struggles with on an intimate level. Sure, I have friends who listen and offer kind words, but it’s not the same as having a partner who truly understands and empathizes with me.

To top it off, we go to church and hear about Boaz “finding me,” which just reminds me that no one understands…

As Soon As You Stop Looking, Your Boaz Will Find You

As a young adult attending church, I couldn’t help but notice a trend. 

The idea that “as soon as you stop looking, as soon as you feel happy where you are—that’s when you’ll find the person who’s right for you” is constantly preached. 

It was as if the key to finding true love was to stop trying so hard and focus on being content with yourself while you perfect yourself.

But as I looked around, I saw that this idea didn’t always hold. 

People struggling to get their lives together, who were far from content, were finding love left and right. They were getting married and starting families, even though they weren’t living the perfect lives “required” for finding a spouse.

It got me thinking, why are we so fixated on these ideas? Why do we need everything in order before we can find true love? Why are we told we must be content with where we are and stop looking before finding the one?

The truth is, life isn’t perfect. And neither are we. We all have flaws and imperfections, and that’s okay. It’s not a requirement for married people to have everything together, so why should it be a requirement for singles?

Instead of waiting for perfection, we can embrace our flaws, emotions, and imperfections and be open to love even when we’re not entirely content with ourselves.

The Key To Being Content- Think Happy Thoughts 

Have you ever been told to “think happy thoughts” when feeling down? As if it’s that easy to switch off our emotions like a light switch. Before you start trying to amputate your emotions like a bad limb, hear me out. Your emotions are as much a part of you as your arm, eyes, or heart. Attempting to cut them out is like trying to cut out your soul. And believe me; I’ve tried.

Research shows that our emotions are part of our brain and share biochemical links with our nervous, endocrine, immune, and digestive systems. That’s right; your emotions can directly impact your physical health. 

While going through all the feelings about being single, I thought the best thing to do was suppress my emotions because I didn’t feel content. I didn’t want to burden anyone or let anyone know I had problems, so I kept everything inside. But the more I tried to suppress my emotions, the worse I felt. It wasn’t until I embraced my emotions that I began to feel better.

So, what can you do to embrace your emotions? 

Here’s a tip: don’t be afraid to cry. Yes, I said it. Cry. Crying is a natural way for our bodies to release stress and emotions. It’s like hitting the reset button on your emotions. And trust me, you’ll feel so much better afterward.

Now, I’m not saying that you should always be an emotional wreck. But I am saying it’s okay to feel your emotions. Embrace them, learn from them, and let them guide you towards a healthier, happier life.

Emotions are a normal part of being human. Feeling sad, lonely, or frustrated with your singleness is okay. It’s okay to cry, binge-watch Netflix, or eat a tub of ice cream. 

In other words, feeling sad and lonely is okay. (Gasp! I said it.)

Why Trying to Control Your Emotions Doesn’t Work Anyway

Have you ever tried to control your emotions? Trust me; I’ve been there. 

It’s like trying to hold onto water – impossible, especially when you feel like Renée Zellweger from Bridget Jones’s Diary. 

But what if I told you that permitting yourself to feel your emotions could help you work through them? It’s true. 

You see, God does call us to be content (Matthew 6:25-26), even in our singleness. But that doesn’t mean we have to be happy all the time. It’s okay to feel sad, to feel lonely. Even Jesus wept.

So, when I feel that ache of loneliness, I remind myself that it’s not disobedience. It’s vulnerability. It’s honesty. And it’s a chance for intimacy with God as He shares in my experience with me.

And if you’re struggling with your emotions, remember this: God is never disappointed in you for feeling things you can’t control. Say it now: “God is never disappointed in me for feeling things I can’t control.” Phew, that feels better, doesn’t it?

But What About This Contentment Thing?

Have you ever wondered why everyone seems to talk about contentment these days with single people? It’s as if it’s the ultimate goal in life. But let me tell you, contentment is not just an emotion that you can feel when you get everything you want in life. It’s more than that.

Contentment doesn’t eliminate your desires. 

It’s not about settling for less or giving up on your dreams. It’s about finding peace and joy in whatever circumstances, whether single or married, rich or poor.

Take Jesus, for example. 

He wasn’t free from emotions or desires. He cried out to God while going through the worst suffering of His life. But He still chose to go to the cross, knowing that it was God’s purpose for Him.

That’s the heart of contentment. 

Trusting God’s purpose for your life is a choice, even when it’s not what you expected or wanted. It’s a decision to find joy in the journey, no matter how bumpy the road may be.

But how do we learn to be content in our singleness when everything around us screams, “You need to find your soulmate!”? 

4 TIPS/TRICKS/IDEAS/IDK…. Give It A Shot

1. The reality is we can’t change our desire for marriage. However, we can still be thankful for other things and continue to live for a God who loves us—perhaps those choices are much more indicative of contentment than any emotional longings.

2. Remember, contentment is not a destination you arrive at. It’s a journey you embark on, one step at a time. So take heart, my friend. You can be content, no matter what your circumstances may be. It’s about trusting God’s plan and finding joy in the journey.

3. Shift our focus from what we don’t have to what we do have. We may not have a romantic partner, but we have friends, family, hobbies, and passions that bring us joy.

4. It’s also important to remember that singleness is not a curse. It’s a season of life that offers unique opportunities for growth, self-discovery, and serving others. When we shift our perspective to see singleness as a gift rather than a burden, we open ourselves up to new experiences and possibilities.

So, yes, be content in your singleness. 

But know that it’s okay not always to be happy. 

Don’t be afraid to be emotional. 

So go ahead, cry it out, scream into a pillow, or dance like no one’s watching. 

Embrace your emotions, find healthy ways to cope, and remember that you are not alone in this journey.

Remember: Singleness is not a curse; it’s just a season of opportunity.