How To Trust People After Trauma

Once you have experienced trauma, be it abuse as a child or a trauma bond as an adult, you might be uncomfortable with intimacy and struggle with trust. Something inside of you says you will only end up getting hurt if you fully open up and get close to someone. This conflict of worries makes having or maintaining a successful romantic relationship very difficult. This blog will help you learn to trust and find your soulmate!

Recommended Reading: Taking Back Your Sexuality After Trauma 

In this blog, we are making some assumptions about you; we assume:

• You understand what happened to you

• You are no longer in the toxic relationship

• You have processed what happened to you

• You are working through your unresolved feelings about what happened

• You are ready to open yourself up to someone new 

If you agree with these statements, let’s dive in:

What Occurs in a Relationship When Trust Issues Go Unresolved?

After trauma, it’s hard to trust and be vulnerable with our partners, even if they are exhibiting reassuring actions that are trustworthy and loving. Even if they are amazing and wonderful, your mind is still likely to pick up on the habits of the other person who betrayed/ abused you in the past.

This can become very frustrating because you’d like to believe your current partner and put trust in them. This barrier between you and your partner makes it difficult to function, often resulting in a breakup because of the strain it puts on you two.

Your partner might start pulling away from you, feeling like they cannot do anything right. Being aware of this will damage your self-esteem and lead you to believe that maybe you are just destined to be alone. The whole cycle is very toxic and dangerous if it is not addressed. Plus, you don’t deserve to live in misery! You must realize that you deserve better and can make the changes necessary to get there.

It takes a long, introspective look at yourself to make this happen. You must be willing to evaluate your behaviors and change those no longer serving you well.

Do not wait until it becomes too late to work through them!

Recommended Reading: Learn How To Love & Trust Yourself Again

Two Ways Trust Issues Manifest in a Relationship

1. Jealousy

Jealousy can become particularly damaging because you always want to know how your partner feels and what they are doing. This might push you to some extremes when it comes to making sure that they are still devoted to only you.

If you have ever looked through your partner’s phone without their permission, this is one big way jealousy can manifest itself negatively. Not being able to take your partner’s word for something is a big problem, especially regarding fidelity.

Your past trauma won’t let you just take their word for it. To fix the anxiety you feel, it might come down to an action like this. When your partner goes somewhere, like the grocery store, you might request them to turn their location on so you can track them from home.

While this can be a reassuring safety measure if you have to be away from your partner, it can turn into something toxic very quickly. Obsessively checking their location will end up making you very anxious.

Not only will you be observing to make sure they are only going to the store and back, but you might also be wondering who they are talking to while they are there and what is taking them so long to get back home. Normal reasons, such as traffic or a long check-out line, likely aren’t the first to cross your mind.

Surely, you think they are flirting with someone. This is a very exhausting way to live. When you are always suspicious of and jealous of your partner, you are likelier to start fights with them.

This disruption of the harmony in your relationship can lead to a lot of problems that can often feel very hard to work through. Instead of enjoying the time that you spend together, your mind will be preoccupied with worry. This sounds like your relationship is doomed, but it doesn’t have to be. If you can recognize these patterns, you can work on the problem.

Strategies to Assist You in Managing Your Jealousy

Question What Your Jealousy is Telling You
Experiencing intense jealousy can often be rooted in a fear of abandonment and insecurity. Instead of seeing jealousy as a problem, consider it an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. You may be projecting past insecurities onto your current partner, which isn’t fair. Take a step back, breathe, and remind yourself that your current relationship is unique and separate from your past experiences.

Recommended Reading: Learn How To Overcome Relationship Insecurities

Build Healthy Coping Skills
To overcome jealousy, develop positive coping skills rather than relying on negative ones rooted in anxiety. Focus on self-care to find happiness beyond your relationship. Ensure your partner isn’t your sole source of happiness, maintaining a balance in your self-care routine. Prioritize healthy coping methods to reduce relationship anxieties and improve your overall well-being, relieving pressure on your partner.

Be Honest with Your Partner
Instead of keeping your jealousy to yourself, open up to your partner. Explain your feelings and your commitment to improving your coping strategies. Your partner will likely appreciate your effort and offer reassurance. In any healthy relationship, this kind of open communication is essential for addressing trust issues. Your honesty demonstrates respect and your willingness to resolve the problem. This effort can put your partner at ease, but it’s crucial to follow through with healthier coping methods as well.

Recommended Reading: Nine Reasons We Don't Have Open Communication With Our Partner

2. We Crave Emotional Intimacy/ Reassurance

With trauma, although we may not trust or be open to getting “hurt,” we also want someone to love us, fight for us, and stick around through it all. This is where emotional intimacy comes into play.

Even if your partner is great at expressing emotional intimacy, nothing will ever feel like enough. This can create even more insecurities, such as your partner not caring about you as much as you think they do. Naturally, your trust issues will begin to worsen if you feel this way on a regular basis.

It is a very difficult situation to be in, one that leads you to believe you will never be satisfied in your relationship or that you are asking for too much. Even the most patient partners might start feeling burned out at the constant demand for more emotional intimacy.

There is only so much that a person should be willing to give to their romantic partner before they start to lose themselves. Remember that your partner is not just your partner—they are an individual with their own needs, desires, and traits. You must respect that about them as a whole before you can ask for all that they have to offer.

Do not let your past trauma get in the way of this, forgetting that your partner might start to feel used or tired of the behavior. Once, I experienced major issues with this in my own relationship. I began to think my partner was “emotionally unavailable” because they could not keep up with my constant need for emotional intimacy.

If they gave attention to anyone else, even a friend or a family member, I would feel a big sense of rejection deep inside, as if I wasn’t good enough for them. Naturally, this caused a lot of problems in the relationship.

3 Helpful Tips for Navigating a New Relationship With Trust Issues

By using the following tips, you will be able to put your past behind you and create a healthy relationship!

1. Pay Attention to Self-Talk

That voice inside of your head matters a lot. It tells you how you need to treat yourself, and it can often lead to mistreatment if you aren’t careful. Make note if you sound like you are constantly speaking from a victim’s perspective. You need to separate your past from your present.

Acknowledge that your partner is not the one who hurt you, so you do not have to project this behavior and these feelings onto them because it is unfair. This negative self-talk is automatic, often happening subconsciously. You must also ensure you are looking for signs of defensiveness or anger.

These can be responsible for holding you back, and they can cause you to lash out at your partner in different ways. Even if you think you aren’t acting on your negative self-talk, you would still be surprised at how much it impacts you.

Hearing negativity in your head is going to manifest negativity. Transform your thoughts into positive ones. If you feel that you are making excuses for yourself, blaming yourself for things, or just simply lashing out in anger, take the time to acknowledge that you are still hurting from your past.

Feel it, and then let it go. Now, think about something you admire about yourself. Even if you can only think about one thing, hold on to that thought. Let the moment pass as you focus on this positive thought.

2. Acknowledge Vulnerability

In many cases, vulnerability is seen as a negative trait. You might want to hide your vulnerability as much as possible, but know that showing your partner that you are vulnerable can eventually make you even closer.

Expressing this side of yourself takes a lot of strength, but it is worth it for your healing process. These are your raw and honest moments, so hiding them is like putting away an essential part of yourself. There are also a lot of opportunities to learn and grow in your most vulnerable state.

The next time you are feeling vulnerable, don’t be so quick to do away with the emotion. Sit with it for a moment and explore where it wants to take you.

This can improve your intimacy with your partner. It shows that you trust them very much. While this might be scary at first, it will get easier over time. Eventually, you will understand that your vulnerability does not make you weak.

It should motivate you to showcase that side of yourself more often. This will probably feel risky to you, but understand how much you have grown—you are not the same person you were in the past.

While a lot has happened to you, these things do not define your ability to learn and grow. Know that no matter what happens, you can get through it, as you already have gotten through everything you experienced in your past.

Recommended Reading: How To Create A Secure Safe Relationship

3. Take Time to Respond

When your past trauma is constantly influencing you, it might cause you to act irrationally. If you are in the middle of a conversation with your partner, and they say something that reminds you of your past, you will instantly be transported there.

In this case, you might end up lashing out at your partner as you did your ex or the past person who betrayed you. To get these impulses under control, take your time when it comes to responses on topics that trigger you.

Express to your partner that something is bringing up past issues and that you need a little space and time. From there, you can distance yourself from the conversation.

Take a few deep breaths, and know that you do not need to remain fearful of the same thing happening to you again. Get back to feeling grounded in the present moment. Remind yourself of your current relationship dynamic with your partner.

Once you calm down, you can formulate a response. You have experienced first-hand how situations can escalate when you say things you don’t mean out of fear or anger.

These situations make you feel guilty and terrible for your actions. As you calm down, you might realize that you shouldn’t have said what you did, but you can’t turn back time.

By taking the time to carefully consider your situation and how you feel, you can prevent this from happening again. Breathing is a very underrated action.

When you feel that things are beyond your control, taking a few deep breaths can help you regain an emotional balance. Do whatever it takes to bring yourself back to the present moment, as your mind will try to wander back to the past. The more you enforce this habit, the more natural it will feel.

Conclusion

Trauma has a funny way of sabotaging us in the name of “protecting us.” Trauma creates defense mechanisms to shield and guard us from going through things again. As we let go of toxic behaviors that “protect us,” we can start to put our trust issues in the past.

By building yourself up, you will realize that your trauma does not need to influence you forever. It is okay to let it go so you can move on and grow, but this takes some awareness. By paying attention when you begin to act on your triggers, you will be able to change your behavior and replace it with more positive behavior.

Once you truly start learning how to trust other people again, you will notice how your entire outlook on life and relationships will change. Instead of always expecting things to go wrong and people to hurt you, it will be easier to focus on the happy “what-ifs.”