Understanding Why You Relate the Way You Do
This blog aims to offer insight into the development of attachment styles, empowering you to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner. Ultimately, we strive for you to recognize and validate your and your partner’s struggles, knowing that understanding, patience and love comes from learning about what drives your partner’s actions.
The initial step towards creating that understanding, patience and love is approaching it with a positive mindset and genuine comprehension.
The Three Fundamental Functions of the Attachment System
To begin, it’s crucial to grasp the three fundamental functions of the attachment system:
Proximity: Humans are naturally inclined to remain close to individuals they are emotionally connected to, such as a parent or romantic partner.
Safe haven: When individuals feel threatened, they seek protection, comfort, and support from someone they are emotionally attached to, such as an attachment figure like a parent or romantic partner.
Secure base: Feeling safe and supported around an attachment figure allows individuals to feel more comfortable pursuing goals independently from that relationship.
Your experiences in adult relationships are often influenced by how well caregivers fulfilled these functions during childhood and by subsequent attachment figures in later relationships.
While you can’t attribute everything to your parents, reflecting on your past experiences in a healthy and informed manner can help you understand where you came from, leading to healthier relationships in the future.
What Is Proximity? Protection from Danger
The safety of young children relies on caregivers being nearby and attentive. Even as children grow into adolescence and young adulthood, they continue to depend on their parents, although the parent-child relationship dynamics undergo significant changes.
As individuals grow older, they expand their network of attachment figures and may also rely on other family members, mentors, clergy, or close friends for support. Additionally, they often turn to a romantic partner, eventually a spouse, as their primary attachment figure to provide safety and support their interests.
However, it’s important to note that the concept of “closeness” takes on a slightly different meaning for adults compared to young children. As adults, we become better at using mental images of our attachment figures for comfort. This means that just thinking about our partner, parent, or close friend can make us feel emotionally close to them, allowing us to find solace and security in their presence, even if they’re not physically with us.
As time goes on, you might find yourself adopting certain traits or ways of interacting with caregivers who have been significant in your life. This allows you to feel a sense of self-worth and to anticipate support from others.
Regrettably, if you grapple with attachment-related anxiety, you’re less likely to genuinely believe in your own worth or in the value others place on you. Consequently, you’ll find it harder to rely on mental images of your attachment figures for self-soothing or as a foundation for exploration.
What Is A Safe Haven? The Need for Comfort
Children are instinctively inclined to seek refuge with their parents when faced with threats. For example, many young children seek comfort from their parents during loud thunderstorms or when encountering a clown at the circus, which they may find frightening. However, it’s essential for parents to provide more than just physical protection.
It’s crucial for children to feel secure and reassured in the presence of their parents. Parents who can remain emotionally balanced tend to excel in this role. By not becoming overwhelmed by their own emotions, they can empathize with their children’s feelings from infancy onwards.
When children perceive that their parents understand and value their experiences, it boosts their self-esteem and confidence in their abilities. As children grow older, these parents consistently offer sensitive responses to help them acknowledge, comprehend, and manage their emotions effectively.
Regrettably, not all parents possess the capacity to provide this level of support, even if they love their children deeply. Consequently, their children may not have a consistent source of refuge, leading them to feel unconditionally accepted and deserving of love. In some cases, they may perceive their parents (and subsequently others) as emotionally distant and unsupportive.
These childhood experiences shape our perceptions of ourselves and others well into adulthood. Suppose your childhood caregivers were inconsistent or unavailable in providing you with a sense of security. In that case, you may find yourself preoccupied with the fear of your partner abandoning you, or you may not seek comfort from your partner at all.
To cultivate a secure and fulfilling relationship, it’s essential to confront and comprehend your fears of feeling unloved and rejected. By acknowledging these feelings and fostering a renewed sense of security within your adult relationships, you pave the way for emotional growth and intimacy.
Though it may be challenging, it’s certainly achievable. Proceed with the following exercise to aid you in this journey of self-discovery and understanding.
What Is A Secure Base? Support for Exploring the World
Apart from providing a safe haven during difficult times, attachment figures also serve as a secure base from which children can explore and expand their horizons. This is crucial because individuals are inherently driven to learn about and navigate their surroundings.
When children receive help with this, they start to become more independent and learn to make decisions based on their own interests and values. For example, a young child might explore a new play area or make friends with someone new at the park.
To build a strong foundation, children need to feel loved and accepted for who they are now and who they are growing into.
Children must understand that conflicts and disagreements with their parents can be resolved. Through this process, they also realize that they can explore and pursue activities independently from their parents while still being able to count on them for support and acceptance.
Those fortunate enough to have a secure foundation in their parents tend to develop high self-esteem and a robust sense of independence, which proves beneficial throughout their lives. They are more inclined to pursue their passions, exhibit persistence in their endeavors, and achieve academic and professional success.
In their romantic relationships, individuals with a secure attachment tend to feel connected to and supported by their partners as they pursue their own interests. Moreover, they typically experience healthy relationships and are adept at navigating social situations. However, it’s important to note that not everyone enjoys these benefits.
If you often feel anxious about attachment, learning about the advantages of having a secure foundation might emphasize some of your challenges. These could include difficulties in exploring or recognizing your own interests and passions, as well as feeling hesitant to communicate openly with your partner.
Although it’s tough to experience this distress, simply being aware of how you could benefit from having a secure foundation shows that you’re already taking steps to address it.
Starting To Understand & Acknowledge Your Attachment Style
Take a moment to think about the following questions to understand where you and your partner stand regarding closeness, comfort, and support:
- How attuned are you to either physical or emotional distance in your relationship?
- When your partner engages in activities outside of your relationship, how does it affect you emotionally? Do you tend to feel abandoned, rejected, or indifferent?
If you do, allowing yourself to acknowledge and explore your reactions is essential. For instance, you may experience feelings of loneliness or vulnerability.
It’s important to recognize that whatever reactions you may have stem from an attachment system designed to protect you from harm. The intensity of your emotions serves as a signal from your attachment system, conveying that you need help!
If you’re fortunate not to be highly sensitive to separations, reflect on what emotions you do experience. How much does the idea of your partner being present with you (or feeling part of a couple) bring you comfort, even when you’re not physically together? Alternatively, do you find that you don’t feel comforted even when your partner is present?
Reflect on whether you consciously or unconsciously try to detach yourself, perhaps as a defense mechanism to shield yourself from potential hurt by your partner. Take a moment to ponder past situations where you and your partner were apart, and delve into your emotional responses to those experiences.
Autonomy and Closeness: The Driver Of Our Attachment Styles
Children are driven to be near their parents because they see them as a source of safety. At the same time, they’re also eager to explore the world away from their parents, seeing them as a secure starting point. Children learn they can have closeness and independence when things go smoothly.
Your challenges with attachment-related anxiety may obscure your ability to recognize these patterns in your relationships, making it incredibly challenging to understand what’s causing issues.
To provide clarity, I’ll delve into how individuals with various insecure attachment patterns navigate the balance between autonomy and closeness. As you go through the upcoming sections, reflect on how they relate to you, your partner, and your relationship.
Preoccupied: Grasping for Closeness
Certain children may view their parents as inconsistently available, perhaps due to their parents being preoccupied with demanding life circumstances or their own emotional struggles. The child’s natural sensitivity also plays a role in this perception. Regardless of the reason, children who begin to doubt their parents’ availability feel deeply distressed at the mere idea of their parents not being present for them.
This behavior is typical of a preoccupied attachment style. Motivated by their attachment needs, these children go to great lengths to capture their parents’ attention—and, as adults, to capture their partner’s attention. These “protests,” described by John Bowlby (1961), the founder of attachment theory, are a hyperactivating strategy.
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In other words, individuals with anxious attachment “hyperactivate” their attachment system, intensifying their pleas for attention, which can heighten their distress and often lead to conflicts in their relationships. For example, they may insist that their partner assist them in multiple ways, seek constant communication, or easily display feelings of jealousy and possessiveness.
Individuals with preoccupied attachment need to prioritize maintaining close relationships, often neglecting their own interests and values in the process. This can leave them feeling empty and lacking a sense of self-worth. Instead, they rely on others, like parents, friends, or partners, for validation and direction on what activities to pursue and how to react to different situations.
They are frequently driven by external, appearance-focused objectives (like financial success) in hopes of gaining approval. Sadly, this pursuit of external validation keeps them constantly striving, hindering their ability to feel genuinely accepted by an attachment figure. As a result, they often find themselves lacking the closeness they desire and lacking a positive self-image.
Dismissing: Making It on Your Own
Some children keep trying hard to get their parent’s attention, but others stop trying altogether. As Bowlby (1961) described, when a child’s attempts to connect with their parents are consistently ignored or met with harsh responses, the child begins to feel hopeless.
After repeatedly feeling ignored or harshly treated, the child eventually loses hope of receiving comfort and protection. At this point, they detach themselves, trying to deactivate their attachment system by suppressing their emotions and their need for a caregiver. They become highly self-reliant. As adults, they are unlikely to experience the closeness found in romantic relationships.
This describes the dismissing attachment style. If your partner leans towards this style, you might feel puzzled when they withdraw instead of responding positively to your efforts to connect. They do this because they want to avoid disappointment later, so they pull back and may become even more distant.
Likewise, when you express upset to your partner, they might seem emotionally distant and unaffected. However, it’s probable that they fear rejection. Dismissive individuals miss out in two ways. They can’t act on their desire for connection, so they’re not truly independent, nor can they feel close to a partner.
Fearful: Lost in Relationships
Some children are raised by parents who have their own attachment problems: they may seem emotionally available at times, scared at others, and even frightening occasionally. This inconsistency is confusing and scary for the children, who struggle to consistently fulfill their attachment needs.
They can’t find comfort in either shutting down their emotions and going it alone or seeking attention and acceptance intensely. Instead, they try to use both types of strategies in a disorganized manner.
This results in a chaotic and perplexing pattern in relationships called the fearful attachment style. In adulthood, their intimate relationships are often marked by conflict and puzzling dynamics as they seek both closeness and distance. As a result, they struggle to attain a comfortable and reassuring sense of closeness or a healthy sense of independence.
Understanding How You Balance Autonomy and Closeness Through Your Attachment Style?
Relationships are constantly changing and require ongoing adjustments rather than staying perfectly balanced. Keeping this in mind, consider which picture best represents your ideal relationship and which one reflects your current or most recent relationship. These styles are described in the following statements:
Secure Style:
- I’m fine with telling my partner personal thoughts and feelings.
- I like doing things without my partner sometimes.
- I feel loved by my partner even when we do things separately.
- Even if we argue, I trust my partner to still respect and care about me.
- I’m okay with relying on my partner and them relying on me.
Annxious Style:
- I feel best when my partner and I share everything, including our thoughts, feelings, and interests.
- I tend to prioritize what my partner likes, even if it means putting aside my own interests.
- I usually follow my partner’s values and opinions instead of expressing myself.
- When I notice my partner pulling away, I often feel compelled to reach out to them often, or I might react angrily by withdrawing or being mean.
Avoidant Style:
- I don’t like talking about personal thoughts and feelings with my partner.
- I feel proud of being independent and don’t like relying on my partner.
- I’m uneasy about depending on my partner. I’m also uncomfortable with my partner depending on me.
- I like doing my own thing without my partner.
As you do this activity, try writing your own sentences that describe your relationship more accurately. It’s okay if your sentences seem conflicting – people are complex.
Now consider how well your relationship meets your needs for a:
Safe Haven: How much do you feel your partner can comfort, protect, and support you during tough times?
Secure base: How much does your partner encourage you to pursue your interests and goals outside of your relationship? Does your relationship make you feel confident and happy about who you really are?
Conclusion
In conclusion, as we’ve delved into the intricate world of attachment styles and their influence on adult relationships, it’s essential to remember that understanding why you relate the way you do is the first step toward fostering healthier connections.
By recognizing the three fundamental functions of the attachment system—proximity, safe haven, and secure base—you can begin to grasp the dynamics at play in your relationships.
Understanding and acknowledging your attachment style is a journey toward self-awareness and personal growth. Whether you lean toward a preoccupied, dismissing, or fearful attachment style, acknowledging your tendencies allows you to navigate relationships with greater insight and compassion.
Understanding how you balance autonomy and closeness through your attachment style is key to fostering fulfilling relationships. You can cultivate love, patience, and understanding by recognizing your patterns and those of your partner. Remember, the more you learn about yourself and your partner, the more you can nurture a relationship grounded in trust, respect, and mutual support.
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