Biblical Dating: How It’s Different From Modern Dating
However, people attempting to follow a courtship model within today’s culture often run into many practical questions, such as, “What if we are long-distance?” “What if we have to live together for budget purposes?” “What if ….”
This article is the first of many articles to provide our readers with a place to bring all dating questions. The answers we bring may be different from anything you’ve heard before. We invite feedback from anyone who believes or sees adequate interpretations of biblical passages from which we conclude.
Without further ado.
Dating is Everywhere!
If you’re reading this, it’s a safe bet you’re interested in dating. Whether you’ve done it, are currently doing it, would like to do it, or need to teach somebody else how to do it, you’re not alone. Our society has made dating an obsession. It’s a universal phenomenon.
The Stats
According to the latest data from the U.S. Census Bureau, more than half of all adults in the United States are single, and 44% are actively looking for a dating relationship. In addition, according to the Pew Research Center, nearly half of all singles have used an online dating site or app.
Dating has been around since the dawn of time, but it’s really taken off in the 21st century. With the rise of social media and mobile dating apps, it’s now easier than ever before to meet people and take the plunge into the dating scene. This means that more and more people are getting involved, with the average age of first-time daters dropping all the time.
Recommended Reading:7 Signs That Indicate It’s Time To Take A Break From Dating The Big Business of Matchmaking
When you Google “matchmaker”, you get an astounding 21.2 million results, with a few claiming to be Christian-based, while the majority make no such claim. Searching for the word “dating” yields an astonishing 790 million hits!
It’s clear that matchmaking and dating services have become a big business. But what does that all mean for us?
As Christians, we should counter today’s culture in how we think and act about all issues that face us. Dating is no exception.
However, surveys consistently reveal that proclaiming Christians act almost exactly like non-Christians regarding sexual involvement outside of marriage (in both percentages of people involved and how far they go), living together before marriage, adultery, and divorce after marriage. Depending on which statistics you look at, the divorce rate for professing Christians may be higher than for Americans.
Recommended Reading: Rediscovering Purity: Reestablishing Sexual Boundaries After You’ve Gone Too FarIndeed, Christian dating is a central issue we need to confront! The church has zero distinction from the world in this area. That truth has brought and brings immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians.
It doesn’t have to be this way. As Christ’s followers, the Lord gave us His Word and the Holy Spirit to help us understand. Plus, there are brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable for applying the Word to our life. As Christians, that is the biblical life we are called to.
This article applies God’s Word to Christian dating to help people find a future spouse to pursue marriage in a way that glorifies God.
Scripture Rules
I have to start by letting you know I believe the Bible is the authoritative Word of God; it’s true and contains no falsity or errors. Therefore I believe in the Bible’s sufficiency to guide and instruct us authoritatively in every area of our life. Furthermore, there is no area in which the Bible has no guidance for us.
As 2 Timothy 3:16-17 states:
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
Shall we continue…
In some Christian circles, it’s argued that Scripture doesn’t speak to this topic- because it is not as explicit as it is about other issues like salvation, sanctification, marriage, or elders.
However, the Bible speaks to every area of our faith and life at some level. It discusses some things in a broad case outlining general principles and ideas versus being so point-blank.
The Point
We cannot state that the Bible “doesn’t mention dating or courtship” and believe we’re off the hook, free to pursue this area on the world’s terms or however it seems best to us without diligence, submissive reference to God’s Word.
If you believe the doctrine is God’s Word, then it has authoritative guidance for us about glorifying God in dating best, meaning the conversation around dating must be biblical.
So. Does biblical dating exist? If so, what is it? Biblical Dating
OK. Let’s take care of basic definitions. We define biblical dating as a method to carry out a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:
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The first step begins (traditionally) with the man approaching and going through the woman’s father or family;
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The relationship happens under the authority of the woman’s father or family or church; and
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Marriage is the direct goal.
The Scriptural support for biblical dating is primarily by example and implication. We will look at several passages that support various aspects of Christian dating; here are some references to study:
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1 Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (commands us to be pure, and serious against sexual sin and gives instructions about marriage)
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1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 (tells us not to wrong or defraud someone in relationships — specifically by implying a relationship or commitment through words or actions exists even though it does not)
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Song of Solomon 2:7 (don’t awaken love before it pleases – before the proper time, which is marriage)
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Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (a caution to avoid sexual sin & silly relationships)
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James 1:13-15 (take temptation seriously)
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Romans 13:8-14 (avoid pleasing self; instead work to love others, doing what’s best for their soul’s good)
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Romans 14:1-15:7 (value what’s good to others’ souls)
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1 Timothy 5:1-2 (consider single women as sisters in Christ, thinking with absolute purity)
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Titus 2:1-8 (focus on self-control & godliness)
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John 14:15 (if we love Christ, we will obey His commands above own desires)
We’ll discuss these and other passages in this series.
What is Modern Dating?
Modern dating is a method of introducing and carrying out a relationship between a man and a woman (regardless of singleness, i.e., someone is dating, talking, engaged, or sadly married to a different person):
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It begins with either the man or the woman initiating.
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It happens outside formal oversight or authority of either person’s family or church (traditionally is quite secretive between two people)
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Marriage is typically not the goal, as dating is often “recreational” or “educational.”
TO BE CLEAR, THERE IS ZERO BIBLICAL SUPPORT FOR The MODERN APPROACH TO DATING…
The idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn’t appear in Scripture except when discussing sin or immoral acts.
Furthermore, it doesn’t appear in any society until the 20th century. While the principles supporting biblical dating begin with the family’s structure, modern dating originates with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, yet seemingly, it is all we know.
Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Dating
So what’s the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:
The modern dating perspective assumes that several intimate romantic relationships will exist in a person’s life before marriage. It advocates “playing the field” to determine “what one wants” in a mate.
VERSUS
Biblical dating aims to be physically and emotionally intimate with ONE member of the opposite sex … your spouse.
Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (there is no difference between men and women either spiritually or emotionally, i.e., the roles are the same)
VERSUS
Biblical dating tends to be complementary (God created men and women differently and ordained us to play different and valuable roles in the church and family).
Modern dating assumes you will spend much of your time together (mostly alone).
VERSUS
Biblical dating encourages spending time in group activities or with other couples.
Modern dating assumes you need to get to know someone more deeply than anyone else to determine whether you should be with them.
VERSUS
Biblical dating suggests that a real commitment should precede ANY and all levels of intimacy.
Modern dating assumes a good relationship will “meet all my needs and desires” — cultivating a self-centered relationship approach.
VERSUS
Biblical dating says relationships are about ministry and service together to bring glory to God.
Modern dating assumes there will be a high level of emotional involvement and some level of physical intimacy.
VERSUS
Biblical dating assumes NO physical intimacy and A limited amount of emotional intimacy outside of marriage.
Modern dating says who I date, and what I do on dates as an adult is entirely up to me. Furthermore, it is completely private (my family, friends, and the church has zero formal or practical authority).
VERSUS
Biblical dating assumes you are held spiritual accountability to your church, family, and friends.
To summarize the differences:-
Modern dating is about “finding” the right person; biblical dating is about “being” the right person to serve my future spouse’s needs and glorify God as a husband or wife.
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Modern dating sees intimacy preceding a commitment. Biblical dating sees commitment preceding intimacy, either physically or emotionally.
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Modern dating tells us the way to figure out whether we want to marry someone is to act like we’re married. If we like it, we commit or make it “official.” If we don’t, we end the relationship by damaging ourselves and the other person physically & emotionally — like a divorce. With Biblical dating, Scripture guides us in finding a mate and marrying. The Bible teaches that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.
Wrap up
Perhaps as you read this article, you disagreed or were initially annoyed at some statements. I encourage you to ask yourself why. Why were you annoyed? What about the article annoyed you? Furthermore, what are you potentially holding on to that makes you agree with a modern dating approach? Is it your privacy, autonomy, a secular idea of freedom, or your own rights, etc.?
If you disagree with the practical details, consider how you currently conduct or would like to conduct your dating life.
Where at in Scripture can you find explicit support for the modern dating approach? Can you even find broad principles in to justify a modern version of dating?
Clarify
While the Bible doesn’t explicitly explain some of what we mentioned, in such a situation, we should ask what gets us closest to God and brings him glory. In other words, with all the gray areas around dating relationships, what conduct will help us care for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bring His name glory?
That’s it. Caring for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bringing His name glory provides a framework for biblical dating within the context of God’s Word.
Now, let’s engage. What questions do you have about dating? What did we say that you agreed or disagreed with? We would love to hear from you!
