Before continuing this article, please review the preamble, A Look into Modern and Biblical Dating. Are you a single Christian wanting to date but don’t know where to start? Are you unsure how modern dating should look or if it aligns with Scripture? If that sounds like you, this blog post is here to help! We’re exploring modern and Biblical romance in part two of our series on dating: Is It Sexual or Just Friends?
In this blog post, we’ll look at factors for discerning whether an intimate friendship may be particularly risky. So buckle up as we explore healthy and unhealthy friendships in light of biblical principles!
When it comes to courtship and dating, some of the biggest questions are:
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What role does friendship play?
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Does having an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex go against the rules of romance?
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How can you tell if someone is interested in a romantic relationship or just a friend? And if someone expresses romantic interest, how do you handle it without ruining the friendship?
The Challenges of Christian Singles in Relationships
Each question really is about how single Christians should connect with the opposite sex, as there is a thin line between meeting someone new, hanging out/ talking, and we’re just friends. Vice versa, the line is pretty clear when we can clearly say we are in a dating or courting relationship, and that’s it.
The History of Friendships w/ Opposite Sex
I will not attempt to explain the history of how friendships with the opposite sex came about. Yet, it’s worth pointing out that before the 1980s, it was uncommon for single Christians to have the kind of deep, best friends, meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex that are commonplace today. In some ways, perhaps it is a good thing. However, it also poses a challenge for how single Christians should navigate these relationships in a manner consistent with their faith.
Hence the question that many of us have asked ourselves – is it a good thing for single men and women to have intimate friendships?
Before we can dig into this question, it’s important to understand and remember that we will attempt to answer this question from a biblical standpoint. Remember, in A Look into Modern and Biblical Dating, I set the groundwork for the principles and beliefs I would use going forward. With that framework in mind, I think it’s important to point out potential dangers resulting from such friendships.
Let’s Dive In:
Friendship: A Blessing, But Also a Challenge
It’s no secret that friendships can bring us great joy. But, if we’re honest, it’s also true that friendships can be confusing and frustrating at times. In the first article, I reference 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 (which tells us not to wrong or defraud someone in relationships — specifically by implying a relationship or commitment through words or actions exists even though it does not).
Simultaneously ever hear of the phrase “love thy neighbor?” Romans, chapter 13, verses 8-14, tells us to love others AND work for their soul’s good rather than looking to please ourselves. Verse 10 emphasizes that “love does not harm its neighbor.”
In this context, “defrauding” means inappropriate emotional and physical intimacy.
We should love our neighbor in respectful and honoring ways. It is not enough to just avoid harming them; we must actively work to show our love in a beneficial and nourishing way.
Heart Of The Matter: If we honor Christian principles, it would nearly be impossible to have a close, intimate friendship between two single people of the opposite sex without defrauding them. Not entirely impossible, but it’s certainly difficult.
We live in a world full of temptations and distractions, and it’s easy to let your guard down and forget about your faith. It takes a great deal of self-control and dedication to stay true to your beliefs.
The Trouble with Christian Friendships with the Opposite Sex
Confusion and frustration often abound when it comes to friendships between men and women- which is understandable when two people spend time talking and hanging out one-on-one! These friendships typically involve a deep knowledge of the other person’s hopes, desires, and personality. As the friendship grows, both parties start sharing various aspects of their daily lives and routines meant to be shared only in a marriage context!
Friends share a unique connection that goes beyond surface-level conversations. We open up to our friends about our thoughts and feelings and often find comfort in having somebody to rely on.
Although friends may communicate, a massive part of the friendship communicates a mixed or confusing message, as our actions speak louder than words. We may say that we are “just friends,” yet we clearly enjoy spending time with our “friend” or engaging in activities that suggest a romantic attraction.
The reality of most friendships:
Someone has romantic feelings for the other from the start or develops them along the way.
This person then has to grapple with the fact that the other person has “made it clear” that they are not looking for anything more than a friendship. Despite the “clear words” one or both of you have spoken, the person with the feelings will hold on to the “friendship,” hoping one day the other person might come around.
Side Note- Best Case/ Worst Case Communication
If one person has ever expressed romantic feelings and you or the opposite party was not interested, it is a bad idea to “become” friends. I am sure you have witnessed people attempting to “become friends” after someone expressed romantic feelings.
In this scenario, the interested party is happy to stick around as an emotional and physical crutch, “taking whatever they can get,” hoping the relationship will change.
Said interested party will run errands, drop everything, cancel plans, and adjust their life to accommodate, all while being there emotionally and physically for their “good” guy/girl friend. This relationship is typically one-sided that often ends up causing more harm than good.
In the worst-case scenario, said interested party still develops romantic feelings but avoids expressing them. Typically the person believes that a request for something more than friendship will end the friendship, and besides, something is better than nothing. Both scenarios inevitably cause hurt, pain, frustration, confusion, and other heartbreaking adjectives.
I DIGRESS…
Are Your Close Friendships Causing Confusion?
Being close to someone of the opposite sex can confuse the people around you. It’s important to consider how others view your friendships, especially if you want to marry one day.
Let’s explore this further:
Ladies: A Cautionary Tale
Have you ever had a man initiate with you, only to be snubbed partially due to his uncertainty or discomfort with your close friendship with another man? It’s a common occurrence and something to keep in mind.
Gentlemen: Considerations
What about the other way around? Has a woman you wanted to date ever turned you down due to questions about your relationship with another woman? It’s something to consider.
Although you may think that person is crazy for thinking that there is something between the two of you, your close friendship can confuse other people. If you’re a single person who desires marriage, thinking about how others perceive this relationship matters. Ask yourself: Would you want to date someone knowing they had a significant, pre-existing, and enduring emotional bond with another member of the opposite sex?
While There Are Exceptions, Is Your Friendship the Exception?
After almost a decade of counseling and talking about dating, you start to hear this claim often. “But we are just friends; I know others might say the same, BUT we really are! We are the exception!” For the record, everyone thinks that their friendship is the exception.
The reality is we all have blind spots. No one likes to admit it, but it’s true. We fail to recognize or acknowledge the facts right in front of us. Whether we are unaware or simply choose to ignore them, the facts remain the same. We become consumed with our thoughts and desires and miss out on the bigger picture.
The bigger picture in this scenario is chances are high that you would like to get married. Regardless of whether you believe your friendship is the exception, why potentially risk or harm your own heart in having companionship outside of the marriage context that is arguably questionable anyway?
Need More Information?
Leveraging the Benefits of Intimate Friendships Without the Commitments
While it is rare to find an intimate friendship free of potential hurt or confusion (not impossible, but rare), there is a significant drawback to this type of friendship: marriage can sometimes be discouraged.
Unless we are called to lifelong singleness and celibacy, we will all desire companionship with someone of the opposite sex- which is normal!
Why: intimate friendships are a valuable source of comfort and security. For those struggling with loneliness or even those in a committed relationship, these friendships offer a crutch as they feel the void that is designed to be filled by their spouse! The loneliness and the want/ desire for friendship with the opposite sex are what drive us to marriage. When you aren’t married but still fill this void, we delay the need for marriage.
Are We Satisfying Our Guy Friends’ Needs and Delaying Marriage?
For the record, I believe that Scripture teaches us that engaging in emotional intimacy and companionship outside of marriage is wrong. However, perhaps you disagree, we are all entitled to our opinions.
But think about this:
The number one complaint from women in the church is “Christian men don’t initiate!”
Chew on this thought: Most single women I see are satisfying the intermediate needs of their guy friends or boyfriends, so much so that they feel no compulsion to pursue marriage.
As my husband says, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free…
Unsatisfied Needs Could be the Answer
Can I say that most Christian men aren’t initiating because they are getting their emotional and physical needs met through friendships with women? Perhaps ask yourself the following:
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Are you and your girlfriends providing companionship and support to men who are not actively pursuing to marry you?
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Do you satisfy their emotional needs?
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Do you satisfy their physical needs?
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Are you knowingly/unknowingly encouraging them to stay single by filling the role a wife would fill?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then it’s essential to consider how this could impact your guy friends’ views on marriage. While it is natural and essential for us to be there for our friends, it’s also important to remember that marriage is a good and noble thing and that we should encourage our friends to pursue.
So What Do We Do?Use Friendship to Strengthen Community and Find Love in a Christian Setting
It’s clear that friendship between single men and women is important and should exist.
However, 1 Timothy 5 tells us that Christians should interact with one another – as brothers and sisters! This means that single men and women can and should serve in ministry together, go out together, and enjoy each other’s company. To ensure that these relationships remain pure and honorable in the Christian context, doing activities in groups rather than one-on-one is best.
To illustrate, here’s an example of what that looks like in practice:
John is a believer that’s been attending church for a few months. He’s been getting to know the church community and has made some good friends. One of his new friends, Sarah, is also a believer. They serve together on Sundays and get to know each other better. Their mutual friend Jim often plans Sunday hangouts where a large group goes out to eat together after church.
John and Sarah have attended these Sunday hangs often, and eventually, they both want to explore being more than just friends. John asks her out, and now they are courting. They and their relationship are firmly rooted in their shared faith and community.
Here is a clear example of how friendship within a community context can lead to a meaningful and lasting relationship.
Navigating the Line Between Friendship and Dating
Hanging out with friends is a great way to connect, but knowing that friendship, dating, talking, or whatever else is not the time to start “playing marriage.”
Therefore if you find yourself giving one-on-one attention to the opposite sex, running errands, doing favors, or sharing traumas and or intimate secrets, it’s probably time to take a step back and do the following:
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Clarify intentions. Now might be the time to change the status of your relationship to something that displays a commitment to the world.
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Change the way you interact. Perhaps you inform them that you can no longer be their crutch and they will need to navigate these issues, errands, etc., by themselves. from now on.
Just remember to be mindful of the boundaries between friendship and dating when navigating the tricky waters of budding relationships and being a good friend.
Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating the blurry line between friendship and romance is difficult for Christian singles. It is possible to have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but it may come with its own challenges. Take the time to evaluate your close friendships and determine if it is leading you towards a further spiritual alignment or if it might put obstacles in your way of finding a life partner.
All in all, strive to reach your ultimate goal: a healthy marriage that glorifies God.
While doing so, let us also help our fellow Christ followers avoid confusion and frustration while searching for true love. Ultimately, apply my advice to your scenario, or don’t – either way, I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas on navigating friendships with the opposite sex!
