I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been married for four years, and I have never had an orgasm. So, I fake having them. I don’t want to tell my husband because it would hurt him. So I lie. I know I’m not doing the right thing. But I’m not sure what to do.” We received this e-mail from a woman who reads our blog.
The sad reality is this could be from any number of spouses who say the same thing: I’m unhappy in my sex life, and I’ve told my spouse, but nothing changes, or I haven’t told my spouse because I don’t want to hurt him or her. And instead of relief, these couples continue to suffer in silence. But it doesn’t have to be that way!
This blog will review how to have that dreadful (SEX) conversation!
Know That You Aren’t Alone Most Couples Don’t Talk About Their Sex Life
Things change when we begin to communicate clearly about our sexual relationships. Many spouses think they are communicating, but most just assume their spouses will read their minds.
Related Reading: 30 Probing Questions to Diagnose Communication Breakdowns
In counseling various couples, we find that most couples spend 99.9 percent of their time making love and about 0.1 percent talking about it. We think it should be more like 80 percent making love and 20 percent talking about it.
According to a study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, both women and men believe that the opposite sex isn’t interested in discussing the details of bedroom behavior. What’s interesting, though, is that these same men and women said open communication about physical intimacy was important to them personally.
However, most couples rarely communicate clearly about their likes and dislikes in the bedroom. People will often tell us, “Talk about sex with my spouse? That doesn’t feel natural.” Although many spouses are uncomfortable talking about physical intimacy—whether out of frustration or embarrassment—they need to.
Why?
Because sex is one of the most important parts of a marriage relationship, and when a couple has sexual intimacy issues, it affects the rest of the marriage.
Because sex will never get better and more satisfying if we don’t communicate about it, although many spouses are uncomfortable talking about sex—whether out of frustration or embarrassment—they need to.
What Keeps Us from Talking about Sex?
Most of us have not been taught how to talk about sex. Some of us grew up in families where our mom and dad enjoyed sex and taught us healthy things about sex. But others grew up in homes where sex was considered dirty or where parents pretended sexual desire didn’t exist.
Many parents are uncomfortable talking about sexual matters, so they don’t. As a result, we flounder. We learn about sex in junior high locker rooms, romance novels, and movies. Then, we get married and find ourselves unable to adequately express our sexual needs.
In many cases, it’s not that we don’t want to talk about it. It’s that we don’t know how. We’re unsure or fearful of how to bring it up.
Sometimes, couples don’t talk about sex because they are involved in sinful behavior.
If one partner is viewing pornography, they are not as apt to talk about sex with his wife. If one partner is having intimate discussions with their supervisor or they are using an Internet chat room to meet their needs for romance, then they probably won’t discuss intimate topics with their spouse.
Many couples don’t talk about sex because they are afraid of conflict. They believe we might get into an argument if I bring this up. For many people, communication about sex is the big elephant in the room. We want to acknowledge it, but we tiptoe around it, hoping that everything will be okay if we don’t mention it.
But it’s time to recognize the elephant and learn to communicate. So, how does a husband ask his wife for sex? How does a wife communicate her sexual needs and desires? How do a husband and wife sit down and talk about their sexual intimacy issues?
How To Ask for Sex
Why do couples dance around the topic with euphemisms and vague statements? How freeing would it be to share a clear, honest, and forthright language about sex?
It would be freeing for a wife to be aware of her sexual urges and say to her husband, “Can you meet me in the bedroom in five minutes? I want to have sex.” Okay, maybe it doesn’t have to be that direct, but it can be.
Or what if a husband texts his wife messages like, “Sex tonight?” He keeps the invitation open-ended. He’s not demanding. When his wife gets the message, she can write back, “I accept!” or what if she wrote back, “Today has been crazy, and I’m exhausted. Tomorrow would be better.”
She is clear about a yes or a no, but she does it in a way that communicates openness, not rejection. Notice that when she says no, she gives a reason and assures her husband that nothing is wrong with him. And she really doesn’t say no; she says not today. Clear and honest communication eliminates second-guessing.
Part of communicating about sexual requests is to be free to ask follow-up questions. No, should never be a stand-alone word in a conversation about sex. In fact, just take the word no out of your sexual vocabulary. Replace it with not now.
If you request sex from your spouse, and your spouse responds with “Not now,” then your response becomes, “Then when?” Finish the sentence. Complete the conversation. Don’t leave it open to misunderstanding.
Make Talking About Sex Easier By Talking About Sex
Talking about sex can feel awkward, especially at first. But, like anything, the more you practice, the more comfortable you become. That’s what you need to work toward with your spouse.
We often tell people to talk about their sex life until it feels natural. Have sex until it feels natural. Act as if you deeply love your spouse until it feels natural. Talk about sex until it feels natural.
Part of learning to talk about sex is having a vocabulary in which both spouses are fluent. Sometimes, we think that if we light a candle in the bathroom, our spouse will understand that we want sex. Couples must be able to talk and ask for sex. Part of that means having a vocabulary about sexual topics.
Spend an afternoon or evening with your spouse and ask each other: “What are some clear ways we can communicate our need to have sex?” The answers will be fun to discover. You’ll learn something new and establish the beginnings of a sexual vocabulary.
You may be surprised by some suggestions: A husband can say, “You know, I need sex,” or “Hey, how about tonight we make sweet love?” A wife might say, “I’m desiring some time in your arms. Where do you think that’ll lead?” or “I’m going to bed early tonight. How about you join me.” Say whatever works for you.
Develop your own private vocabulary to express your sexual needs.
If your kids are younger, use a code word, and when your spouse says that code word, you know exactly what that means.
Do what works for you. Get to the point where both of you know the rules and can feel the playful side of discussing sex!
Determine Where You Are
Honesty time.
When was the last time you talked, really talked, about your sex life with your spouse? Did you know this is the absolute best thing you can do to improve your sexual relationship?
Most couples avoid discussing sex because they don’t want their spouse to feel bad. After all, who wants to hear that they’re not good in bed? And who wants to be the one who says it?
So, what usually happens is that relatively simple remedies go ignored. Some spouses put up with something they don’t like for a decade or more because they’re afraid to bring it up; they don’t want to hurt their spouse. Others have denied themselves something for years because they’re too embarrassed to ask for it.
Now is the time to start fresh. Commit to talking with your spouse about sex.
Where do you begin?
A sex therapist will tell you that the best time to talk about sex isn’t during sex. While sex belongs in the bedroom, talking about sex belongs anywhere but the bedroom. Because of the delicate, sensitive nature of sex, talking about it needs to take place in a neutral place, maybe on a porch swing in your backyard.
Maybe over a cup of coffee. Maybe in a park. No matter where you pick, DO NOT talk about your sex life in the same place you are trying to have sex.
We understand that the idea of talking about sex may be a tall order. Hence, we put together three layers of questions that ease a couple into talking about sexual intimacy issues. The idea is that you start at the shallow end of questions and work your way to the deep end:
Round 1 Of Sex Questions
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How did you learn about sex when you were growing up?
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How was it taught to you?
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What are your three best memories of our sexual interactions over the years?
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Do you think that sex brings us closer, or does closeness lead to sex?
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Do you appreciate one more than the other?
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What satisfies you most about our sexual relationship?
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Do you enjoy sex with me? What can make it better?
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Is there enough variety in our sex life?
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How often do you want to make love?
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What can I do outside the bedroom to make our sex life more satisfying for you?
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In what type of setting have you always wanted to make love?
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What words or actions throughout the day or week really set the stage for a great time of lovemaking?
Round 2 Of Sex Questions
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Should we attempt to schedule sex so that we are assured of private time together?
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How can we ensure we don’t go too long without sex?
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What excites you the most about me sexually? What do you want me to do to take advantage of that?
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Is sex helpful, comforting, difficult, or anxiety-producing for you when you are under stress? How can our intimacy in those times be better?
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Do you ever feel anxious about making love? If so, when and why?
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Do you ever wish that I would initiate sex more often? How would you like me to do it?
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What meets your emotional needs when you’re having sex?
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Do we have enough privacy for intimacy? What do we need to do to assure privacy?
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Do you like where we make love? Do you like the ambia ce?
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Do you like the time of day we usually make love?
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Do you ever feel that I act as if sex is more of a duty than a pleasure? What are some ideas on how that could change?
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Complete this sentence: Five things you could do during the week that would warm me up for sex are . . .
Round 3 Of Sex Questions
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What three ways would you like to be touched?
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What three things turn you off?
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What three things can I say or do to arouse you?
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Fill in the blanks: Instead of doing ______, can we try ______?
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What sexual positions do you like most?
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Are you experiencing the release you would like?
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What part of my body do you find most exciting? What behavior do you find most exciting?
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How do you want me to talk to you? Would you like me to talk or make more noise during sex, or would you prefer less?
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Am I touching your favorite places?
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Are we trying everything you would like to try?
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What would you like me to do more of?
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If you had all the time in the world, all the energy in the world, and our bed was our playground, what would you want to do with me?
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What do you like best when I surprise you?
Each of these questions and answers must be free from judgment. If one of you says, “I like it when you . . .” and the other reacts in disgust, that will shut down communication fast. Stay open-minded. Listen to your spouse. Affirm and honor their courage to talk about sex. If, in the end, you disagree about some things, talk about the differences without hurting each other. The thing to remember is that you’re growing together. Speak affirmingly and gratefully.
How To Make Communication Work
Tip #1: Talk with each other, not at each other. Share your feelings about what you are experiencing and what you need. Then, listen to your spouse. Be curious. Be a student of your spouse. You are seeking to to create an emotional connection before discussing what’s wrong.
Tip #2: Avoid sarcasm and criticism. Critical comments are a fast way to shut down communication—and your spouse. Do you degrade your spouse—who she is, what he does, how she looks? Do you talk down to them? Show respect and honor in your communication.
Tip #3: Affirm your spouse. Make affirmation and appreciation a regular part of your sexual communication. Tell your spouse what he or she does well sexually. Affirm your spouse verbally.
Tip #4: Avoid defensiveness. Be open to what your spouse has to say. Listen without getting defensive. Listen to learn how you can become a better lover. Ask follow-up questions so that you really understand what your spouse is saying.
Discussing the Delicate Issues
Sometimes, delicate issues need to be discussed. For example, if sex has been difficult for you because of a situation in your past or because of a current problem, talk to your spouse about this. Be honest.
If your past includes sexual abuse or addiction, or if you are involved in viewing pornography, you need to discuss these issues. They have a huge impact on your relationship. If you need professional help, don’t be too afraid or ashamed to say so.
Other delicate issues could include weight or hygiene, affecting your sexual intimacy. They are sensitive issues that need to be handled with care and love. Well-meaning people often say, “It doesn’t matter if you’re overweight. Your spouse is so ready to go that they won’t even notice.”
Even though, to a certain extent, that is true, the reality is—for both men and women—obesity is something that can get in the way of physical intimacy.
We’ve received dozens of letters from men and women who plead for help because their spouses are sixty or more pounds overweight, but they can’t find that button to motivate them to lose weight.
Whether you are a man or a woman, weight is tied to self-esteem. So, if this issue is affecting your physical intimacy and you want to talk about it, first create an emotional connection. Make sure your spouse does not feel judged or unloved. Without that security, a spouse will feel criticized, leading to discouragement, not motivation.
If you are an overweight husband or wife, don’t make it your spouse’s problem. Take responsibility for change. The reality is when you don’t take care of yourself; it opens a door for your spouse to become visually stimulated by others.
Make sure you both agree.
Whatever you agree to try must be acceptable to both partners and bring growth to the marriage. If a husband suggests something, but his wife is uncomfortable with the idea, we recommend that he defer to his wife’s feelings.
He should not push her or draw her into areas that would make her uneasy or diminish her. This is an issue of respect and honor in marriage. Although it is essential to talk about your sexual desires, it is more important to focus on honoring your spouse than on pushing the envelope.
Avoid a sexless marriage.
Although it is beautiful and fun to try creative ways to give pleasure, unless it is physically impossible for a couple, nothing you do should replace genital union. A much stronger bond occurs between a couple when a husband physically enters his wife.
Guard your relationship.
Above all, sex is relational. Make sure that what you do helps you build your relationship. Stay in tune with your spouse—and only your spouse. One of the most dangerous threats to sexual intimacy is introducing sexual fantasies or pornography. They can rob your relationship of oneness.
