Don’t Let These Fighting Patterns Destroy Your Relationships

Relationships are like plants – they require care and attention to thrive. However, sometimes couples unknowingly engage in behaviors that can slowly erode their connection, leading to resentment and pain. This blog series explores four destructive patterns that can wreak havoc on even the strongest relationships.

Part 1: Escalation

Have you ever disagreed with your partner that started small but quickly escalated into a full-blown argument? This is a classic example of escalation, which can be incredibly damaging to relationships. When our emotions run wild, we say things we don’t mean and hurt the people we love. Learn how to recognize the signs of escalation and prevent it from spiraling out of control.

Part 2: Invalidation

Validation is a crucial component of healthy communication. We’re more likely to feel connected to our partners when we feel heard and understood. On the other hand, invalidation – dismissing our partner’s feelings or opinions – can be incredibly hurtful. This post explores how to validate your partner’s emotions, even when you disagree with them.

Part 3: Negative Interpretations

It’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming the worst about our partner’s intentions. Negative interpretations can create a vicious cycle of mistrust and resentment, even when our partner has done nothing wrong. By learning to challenge our assumptions and communicate openly, we can break free from this pattern and build a stronger, more loving relationship.

Part 4: Withdrawal and Avoidance

When conflicts arise, some people instinctively shut down or withdraw. While this may seem like a way to avoid conflict, it can actually do more harm than good. When we refuse to engage with our partner, we send a message that we don’t care about their feelings or needs. In this final post, we’ll explore overcoming withdrawal and avoidant behaviors and building a more fulfilling relationship.

Let's Dive Into the Series' Final Post in Part 4: Withdrawal and Avoidance

What Is Withdrawing and Avoiding

Have you ever had a conversation with your partner that felt so intense you just wanted to run away and never come back? 

Or maybe you’ve experienced the opposite, where your partner suddenly clams up and refuses to engage in any kind of discussion. 

These are classic examples of withdrawal and avoidance.

It’s common for people to feel overwhelmed or stressed out during difficult conversations. But when one partner consistently withdraws or avoids, it can signify a deeper problem.

The Dangers of Withdrawal

When one partner withdraws, it can leave the other feeling ignored or dismissed. It’s like saying, “I don’t care about what you have to say; I’m not even going to listen.” This kind of behavior can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to a relationship.

Imagine you’re trying to talk to your partner about something important, but they keep shutting down and refusing to engage. It’s frustrating, right? You might feel like your partner doesn’t value your opinion or care about your feelings.

Over time, this behavior can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship. It’s hard to feel connected to someone who won’t even converse with you.

The Dangers of Avoidance

Avoidance is another common tactic for dealing with stressful or intense conversations. Instead of withdrawing, someone who avoids it might change the subject, make a joke, or even leave the room.

While avoidance might seem easier than engaging in a difficult conversation, it can be just as damaging. When someone avoids it, they say, “I’m not willing to deal with this, so I’m going to pretend it doesn’t exist.”

This kind of behavior can be incredibly frustrating for the other person. Imagine trying to talk to your partner about something important, only to have them change the subject or make a joke. It can feel like they’re not taking the conversation seriously, or even worse, that they’re not taking you seriously.

Over time, avoidance can lead to resentment and anger in a relationship. It’s hard to feel connected to someone who won’t even acknowledge your concerns.

Here Is An Example of Withdrawal & Avoidance:

MIDORI: When can we talk about when we are going to Coachella? 

JOSHUA: Can’t this wait? I get to finish these taxes, and I’m exhausted. 

MIDORI: I’ve brought this up at least five times already. No, it can’t wait! 

JOSHUA: (tensing) Babe, does it matter right now? Can we figure it out tomorrow?

MIDORI: (frustrated and looking right at Joshua) You haven’t done any of the planning, and now it’s a few days out, and I need you to make a decision not tomorrow but tonight!

JOSHUA: (turning over in the bed ) Nothing is going to change at 11 PM when we are both exhausted and have other things to do. It’s not that big of a deal; let’s just figure it out tomorrow. 

MIDORI: (very angry now, feeling dismissed) Well, maybe we just shouldn’t go since you can’t ever find the time to make a decision about it. 

JOSHUA: Babe, you’re losing it; it’s 11 at night, and I do not want to discuss anything with you when you are like this. 

MIDORI: Like what? It doesn’t matter if I am calm or frustrated — you won’t talk to me about anything important. (NOTICE THE ESCALATION)

JOSHUA: (quiet, tense) 

MIDORI: Well? 

JOSHUA: (getting out of bed) I’m going to get our girls some water for when they wake up; at this rate, they will be up any minute.

MIDORI: (voice raised, angry) Talk to me, now. Our girls aren’t going to wake up. I’m tired of you leaving or ignoring a subject that’s about something important. 

JOSHUA: (looking away from Midori, walking toward the door) I’m not talking; you are. Actually, you’re yelling. I’ll be back, and maybe you’ll be calm when I get back.

A Tale of Two Lovers: The Pursuer and the Withdrawer

In the example above, Midori is the kind of person who likes to confront issues head-on. She’s not one to shy away from a difficult conversation, even if it means facing some uncomfortable truths. On the other hand, Joshua is more of a “let’s just sweep it under the rug” kind of guy. He doesn’t like conflict; when things get too heated, he withdraws and shuts down.

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever been in a relationship (or even just observed one), chances are you’ve seen this dynamic play out. It’s a classic example of what psychologists call the “pursuer-withdrawer” pattern.

But here’s the thing: as common as this pattern is, it’s also one of the most destructive. Research has shown that it’s one of the strongest predictors of dissatisfaction in marriage and, ultimately, divorce.

The Pursuer-Withdrawer: Unhealthy Thoughts/ Feelings

So, why is this pattern so harmful? For one thing, it can create a vicious cycle of negative interactions. Midori, as the pursuer, may feel like Joshua is avoiding her or not taking her concerns seriously. This can lead to more intense confrontations, which in turn can cause Joshua to withdraw even further. And so the cycle continues.

But it’s not just the frequency of arguments that’s the problem. It’s also the way they’re handled. When one partner is constantly pursuing, and the other is continuously withdrawing, it can create a power imbalance that can be hard to overcome. 

The pursuer may feel like they’re always the one who has to initiate conversations or make compromises, while the withdrawer may feel like they’re constantly being “attacked” or criticized.

Over time, this can erode the sense of trust and intimacy that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship. It can create resentment, anger, and loneliness, ultimately driving a wedge between partners.

How to Break the Cycle of Withdrawal and Avoidance in Relationships

According to the book, Fighting for Your Marriage, pursuers tend to push harder as withdrawers pull back. And as withdrawers retreat further, pursuers become even more aggressive. This creates a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break.

So how can you prevent this cycle from taking over your relationship? The first step is for one person to decide to change. It only takes one person to break the cycle and start a positive change in the relationship.

Secondly, the way conversations are started is critical. Researcher John Gottman conducted a series of studies over many years and discovered that how a conversation begins can predict the course of 96 percent of the conversation. This means starting a conversation on the right foot is crucial to success.

One technique to start a conversation positively is to use what Gottman calls a “softened start-up.” This means approaching the conversation with a gentle tone and using “I” statements instead of blaming or accusing your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when we argue.”

Another critical factor is to avoid criticism and contempt. Criticism attacks a person’s character, while contempt shows disrespect and can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. 

Instead of criticizing or showing contempt, try constructively expressing your feelings and needs.

You can create a healthier and happier relationship by breaking the cycle of withdrawal and avoidance in your relationship and starting conversations positively. Remember, it only takes one person to make a positive change.

What Is A Better Option For Midori and Joshua in the Example Above? 

Looking back on that moment, Midori could have waited for a more appropriate time to bring up the topic, and Joshua could have listened to her concerns instead of dismissing them outright.

The Bottom Line

While it’s natural to want to avoid difficult conversations, it’s essential to recognize the damage that withdrawal and avoidance can do to a relationship. 

If you find yourself constantly withdrawing, avoiding, pursuing, or attacking, it might be a sign that a deeper issue must be addressed.

The next time you feel the urge to withdraw, avoid, pursue, and attack, try to take a step back and ask yourself why. 

For the withdrawer/ avoider: Is it because the conversation is too stressful? Or is it because you’re afraid of what might happen if you engage?

For the pursuer/ attacker: Does this need to be resolved now? Are you coming into this conversation clear and calm? Can you have the conversation without attacking or blaming your spouse?

Remember, the only way to build a strong and healthy relationship is through open and honest communication. So take a deep breath, and try to stay engaged or soften your tone, even when it’s hard. Your relationship will thank you.

If this blog series has helped you, we kindly invite you to share it with others who may also benefit from its advice.