Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship with These Fighting Patterns

Are you tired of the same old fights with your partner that leave you frustrated and hurt? It’s time to break the cycle and learn how to communicate effectively. This blog series will dive into four fighting patterns that can damage your relationship beyond repair.

• Part 1: Escalation – where fights spiral out of control

• Part 2: Invalidation – where your partner’s feelings are dismissed

• Part 3: Negative Interpretations – where assumptions and misinterpretations lead to conflict

• Part 4: Withdrawal – where one partner shuts down and refuses to engage

But don’t worry; we’re not just going to leave you with the problem. The book we reference, Fighting for Your Marriage, is packed with practical techniques and strategies that will help you navigate these patterns and build a stronger, healthier relationship.

But for now, let’s dive into Part 3: Negative Interpretations. 

Have you ever found yourself jumping to conclusions about what your partner meant by something they said or did? Maybe you assumed they were being critical or dismissive when they were trying to be helpful. These negative interpretations can quickly lead to a fight and damage the trust in your relationship.

Are You Guilty of Negative Interpretations?

Have you ever found yourself jumping to conclusions about someone’s intentions, assuming the worst without any evidence to support your assumptions? If so, you may be guilty of negative interpretations.

It’s a common human tendency to assume the worst in others, but negative interpretations can be damaging to relationships and lead to unnecessary conflicts. When you consistently interpret someone’s actions as more hurtful or insidious than they actually are, you create a negative narrative in your mind that can be difficult to shake off.

So, how do you know if you’re guilty of negative interpretations?

• Do you often assume that someone is out to get you? 

• Do you regularly attribute negative motives to someone’s actions?

• Do you find yourself feeling defensive or angry when someone does something you perceive as hurtful?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are likely guilty of negative interpretations.

Many times, couples will be so distant and mistrust each other’s motivations that hardly anything they do will be positively accepted by the other. 

“As relationships become more distressed, the negative interpretations mount and help create an environment of hopelessness and demoralization,” says Fighting for Your Marriage. 

Here is an example:

MIDORI: (frustrated) You’re dragging mud, dirt, and leaves into the house again. 

JOSHUA: I apologize! I forgot to take my shoes off. 

MIDORI: Yeah, again. How many times do I have to tell you to take your shoes off when you come home from work? We have a crawling baby that eats off the floor!

JOSHUA: (irritated) I apologize; I forgot! It’s not like I am doing it on purpose. I know it sounds like an excuse, but when I get home from work, I am exhausted, and taking off my shoes is not the first thing on my mind. I don’t purposefully leave my shoes on to annoy you. 

MIDORI: (bitterly) Actually, I think that is exactly what you do! You know how much I hate when you wear your shoes in the house, yet you do it over and over and over and over again (rolling her head in circles). It’s a slap in the face every time! I can’t understand why someone that says “I love you” would be okay with hurting me and THEIR baby!

JOSHUA: (angrily) First off it’s their baby and me. 

MIDORI: (scathing) Really, you correct my GRAMMAR!!!

Joshua: (angrily) I AM NOT FINISHED. I let you finish give me the same respect. 

Midori: (arms folded- heavy eye roll)

Joshua: (angrily) Where was I… Second off! That is horse@#$%! No one is trying to hurt you! More often than not, I remember to take my shoes off, and when I do, do I get a thank you, no, I get nothing, nada, zero, zilch. But when I occasionally forget, world war 3 happens!

MIDORI: (angrily sarcastic) Ha! Once in a while? What a liar! You only remember to take your shoes off when I remind you!

JOSHUA: (fuming) You know what? I don’t have to take this. No matter what I say or do, you’re never happy. You magically find a way to complain about everything!

The root of these arguments can be tough to find and exterminate, and although they might seem like a petty dispute, they can have extreme consequences in the relationship. 

How Joshua’s Shoes Became a Thorn in Midori’s Side 

Joshua had once again come into the house with his shoes on. It didn’t matter how often Midori reminded him to take them off at the door; he always seemed to forget. But this time, Midori is convinced that Joshua is doing it intentionally to spite her. 

As it turns out, Midori is influenced by something called confirmation bias. This phenomenon describes the tendency for someone to look for and find evidence that supports their assumptions about a person or a situation, even if those assumptions are incorrect. 

Confirmation bias acts as if once we’ve made up our minds about something; it’s impossible to see things any other way. These negative interpretations, once formed, can be complicated to destroy. 

But why is Midori so convinced that Joshua was intentionally leaving his shoes on? Well, it all started a few weeks ago when they argued about how to load the dishwasher. Midori had accused Joshua of being lazy and not pulling his weight around the house. Joshua had countered that Midori was too controlling and always had to have things done her way. That argument didn’t finish or conclude, and now Midori is bringing all that conversation’s residue to this moment!

An Unseen Danger of Negative Interpretations in Relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship where everything seemed to be going great, but suddenly, you started seeing everything in a different light? What was once sweet and endearing now seems manipulative and insincere. It’s like a switch has been flipped, and you can’t seem to turn it off.

Unfortunately, this is a common experience for many people infiltrated with negative interpretations. It’s not just a harmless annoyance, either. This dangerous mindset can completely overshadow any positive aspects of the relationship, making it difficult to see the good things happening.

Think about it. When you’re constantly interpreting your partner’s actions negatively, it’s hard to appreciate the good things they do. You might not even notice when they’re doing something kind or thoughtful because you’re so focused on the negative interpretations. It’s like wearing a pair of dark sunglasses all the time – everything looks bleak and uninviting.

But it’s not just your perception of the relationship that’s affected. 

Negative interpretations can also impact communication. When you believe your partner has negative motivations towards you, it’s easier to justify speaking unkind words. Suddenly, insults and criticisms become the norm, and any attempt at positive communication is met with suspicion and distrust.

How to Get Out of a Negative Interpretation Rut in Your Relationship

Perhaps you’re in a relationship, and everything your partner does seems wrong. You’re constantly interpreting their actions in a negative light, and it’s starting to take a toll on your relationship. 

It’s time to step back and evaluate your thoughts and feelings. Are you truly seeing the situation for what it is, or are you letting your negative interpretations cloud your judgment?

Let’s face it; no relationship is perfect.

You know how it is, you start to think your partner is lying to you, cheating on you, or generally being unloving, and before you know it, your mind has spiraled into a black hole of negative thinking. It can be hard to dig yourself out of this hole, but simply thinking positively isn’t going to cut it. 

These negative thoughts have become deeply rooted in your heart and mind, and you must take intentional steps to pull them out like weeds. But how do you do that? 

• Step 1: Admit You Have Negative Thoughts 

The first step to getting rid of negative thinking is admitting that you have it. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge, so be honest with yourself and recognize that you’re struggling with negative thoughts. 

• Step 2: Step Back and Evaluate

Next, take a step back and evaluate your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself if you truly see the situation for what it is, or if your negative interpretations are clouding your judgment. Are you jumping to conclusions without all the facts? 

• Step 3: Look for Evidence to Disprove Your Negative Thoughts 

Our negative thoughts are often based on assumptions rather than facts. The next step is to look for evidence that disproves your negative thoughts. If you feel like your partner doesn’t love you, start paying attention to things they do that show their love. Negative thoughts are like weeds in a garden, but the evidence is like fertilizer that helps the flowers grow. 

• Step 4: Focus on The Positive 

Now that you know some of the positive things, it’s time to focus on and reinforce them with more positive aspects of your relationship. Make a list of things that you appreciate about your partner and your relationship. Maybe they always make you laugh, or they’re always there to support you when you need it. Whatever it is, remind yourself of these and try to approach your interactions with your partner with a more positive mindset. 

Here are some questions to help you with this exercise:

What do you appreciate about your partner and the relationship?

What are some of the things that brought you together in the first place? 

What are some of the things that you enjoy doing together?

• Step 5: Don’t Try to Mind-Read Your Partner 

As you start to turn and change your thoughts, remember one of the most common reasons for negative thinking in relationships is when we try to mind-read our partners. We think we know what they’re thinking or feeling, but the truth is, we can’t know for sure without asking. So, stop assuming you know your partner’s thoughts and start communicating with them instead. 

• Step 6: Communicate openly 

Finally, it’s essential to communicate openly with your partner about how you’re feeling. Let them know you’re struggling with negative interpretations and want to work together to overcome them. This shows your partner that you’re committed to the relationship and can lead to deeper understanding and trust.

Transform Your Relationship: Change Your Mindset

Let’s acknowledge that changing your mindset won’t happen overnight. It takes effort and dedication, but the rewards are immeasurable. By shifting your focus from the negative to the positive, you can transform your relationship into a healthier and happier one.

It will take time and consistency. Along with the things mentioned above, here are some added tips for the day-to-day:

• Tip #1: Start small. Instead of dwelling on what’s not working, focus on what is. Did your partner make your coffee this morning? Thank them for it! Small acts of gratitude can go a long way in building a positive mindset. 

• Tip #2: Practice self-reflection. Every time you feel negative, ask yourself why you feel this way. Furthermore, ask yourself if you are projecting your insecurities onto your partner. Is there something deeper going on? By understanding your emotions, you can communicate better and avoid unnecessary conflicts.

• Tip #3: Communicate with intention. Instead of criticizing or blaming, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, “I felt hurt when you didn’t come to my work event.” This avoids putting your partner on the defensive and allows for a more productive conversation.

Conclusion

Through taking the time to understand and practice the tips and advice given in this blog post, we hope that you have learned how to positively change your mindset and help end the self-sabotaging relationship-fighting pattern known as negative interpretations.

Joshua’s shoe example shows that even with minor misinterpretations, our relationships can quickly turn sour, emphasizing effective communication’s importance.

With our six-step guide to help you eliminate a negative interpretation rut in your relationship, we are confident you can build a strong emotional foundation together.

If this blog post has helped you, we kindly invite you to share it with others who may also benefit from its advice.

To be continued…