Have you heard that men fear marriage? It’s a common notion that has been perpetuated for years, but is it really true? Let’s explore this topic further.
Are men afraid of marriage?
Scott Stanley, Ph.D., is a research professor and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. According to his research, Dr. Stanley concluded that men can reach higher commitment levels than women.
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The classic view is that men are more commitment-phobic and do not want to be tied down in a long-term healthy relationship. This view suggests it is harder for women to get men to walk down the aisle. However, these studies indicate that men see a much firmer line between marriage and “not marriage” than women in terms of what it means for their identity and behavior. Dr. Stanley found the following:
What does marriage mean to a man?
Men view marriage as a significant life event that marks a clear change in their identity and behavior.
What does marriage mean to a woman?
Women tend to see marriage as a natural progression in their lives but not necessarily as a defining moment that changes who they are.
It is important to note that these findings do not mean that men value marriage more than women do. Instead, it suggests that men view marriage as a more significant life event than women.
The fact that men see marriage as a bigger deal has some profound implications for relationships and can help us understand why men might be more cautious about getting married.
Why are men so hesitant about marriage?
The answer is simple; marriage is the one thing that has a profound effect on how men must behave. A classic example of this idea comes from a special report published by the National Marriage Project. The report featured interview data from single men in their 20s, shedding light on men’s fears and views about marriage, women, and cohabitation. Below are the results helping you understand why men fear marriage:
They believed marriage is a sign of being a grown-up
The report revealed that many young men saw marriage as a sign of growing up. However, they were not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a grown-up just yet. They were content with their lives and felt fulfilled without having to take on the added responsibilities of marriage.
These men were in no hurry to cross the line and become husbands. Instead, they wanted to enjoy their single life without any responsibilities. While they eventually wanted to get married, they did not see any reason to rush into it.
They believed marriage represents a loss of control
When Dr. Stanley engaged in conversations about being a grown-up, he realized that these men viewed marriage as losing control over their lives. They felt that getting married would mean giving up their freedom and independence. They believed their partner would start dictating their lives and telling them what to do.
Losing control and needing to be a grown-up creates a unique dynamic in man. Together they cultivate this feeling of needing to have everything together before getting married and desiring to do all the fun things before settling down so they do not “miss out.”
They believed to be marital quality; they needed to be totally prepared
Having “everything together” is advancing one’s career, education, and work-life as far as possible! Most men believe that until you have it all together, you cannot embark on the journey of marriage. But, in addition to having it all together, you must also have all possible parachutes ready in case you end up in divorce court.
Translation: These men fear relying on one woman to meet their needs (physically, emotionally, or spiritually). This fear of relying on one partner means many men go into marriage thinking and believing that relying on their spouse in any way would make a bad deal.
How do these factors impact men?
What does it mean to be totally prepared?
We believe the “pressures” below contribute to a lack of rush to get married. Men are not worried that someone else will come and snatch up the great catch they found. Instead, they are willing to lose “the one” because they would rather ensure they are fully prepared for the responsibilities of marriage first. Below are the key things that involve being totally prepared:
- Financial Stability: Marriage has financial implications. Financial stability often plays a significant role in the idea of having everything together. It may involve having a steady income, a secure job, manageable debt, savings, and the ability to provide for oneself and potentially a partner or family.
The pressure to achieve economic stability before marriage can lead men to delay or hesitate in making the commitment to marriage until they feel financially secure. This pressure may manifest as a desire to establish a successful career, accumulate wealth, or achieve certain milestones before even considering marriage. The issue is usually, however much money the guy makes, most men believe they need more money before undertaking marriage. - Emotional Preparedness: Society has told us that men are less emotionally intelligent over and over. So many men are told that they act or behave like a child (right or wrong). However, the constant need to “grow” up makes men feel like they aren’t mature enough for marriage.
- Physical Health and Well-being: Physical health and well-being are integral to having everything together. This includes taking care of one’s physical health through regular exercise, balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, and seeking medical attention when needed. Similar to the other areas, men will delay marriage until he has the body that they want because waking up, working out, and going to the gym are all part of the idea of having it all together.
- Spiritual or Existential Fulfillment: For some individuals, having everything together may also encompass a sense of spiritual or existential fulfillment. This could involve finding meaning and purpose in life, exploring one’s beliefs and values, and cultivating a sense of inner peace and contentment.
Most people see religion as a way to ground yourself and “have it all together.” When a guy thinks about marriage, he may feel that he needs to establish spiritual and existential purpose/ fulfillment before getting married. Hence, he will delay marriage until he meets these criteria, which could never happen.
Why are man afraid to lose control?
This logic should be somewhat concerning to women in their 20s, especially the ones who think that marriage doesn’t matter because we have been together “forever” or are under the impression that nothing changes. Essentially, men are saying that they have a different kind of relationship with their female partners before they get married.
And it’s not until marriage occurs that I am actually accountable and responsible to you. Once we cross the line, I’m responsible to you; I get to listen and respond to what my partner desires, and quite frankly, you have a right to start telling me what to do. This wide array of men are not exactly looking forward to this moment. Still, once I cross the line, I know that I have a different duty and responsibility because we’re teammates,” it becomes evident how men think when it comes to their relationships with women.
The Challenge For Women
Earlier, we mentioned that men view marriage as a significant life event that marks a clear change in their identity and behavior. Essentially until a man commits to his partner, he will be less likely to make significant sacrifices for her; this obviously affects his behavior, thinking patterns, etc. (all the things that most women want to change about their immature boyfriend).
Recommended Reading: How A Man Falls In LoveBecause women do not see such a clear difference between “non-marriage” and marriage as men, they tend to give their all to men when emotionally attached.
Hence women tend to give their best and sacrifice when they feel connected to their partners, regardless of whether or not they have a clear commitment to the future.
Typically this is a positive aspect of how women are built regarding their bonding system. Unfortunately, however, society has convinced women that sex is not a crucial aspect to consider. This idea can be harmful, leading to misconceptions and misunderstandings about the relationship’s true nature.
The belief that sex does not matter has led to the acceleration of women sacrificing and giving their best in a relationship regardless of any commitment or future commitment on the horizon.
Whether or not we like it when a woman has sex, they become more emotionally invested in a relationship, making them more vulnerable to being taken advantage of if their partners are not committed to them.
Recommended Reading: The Science Behind How Sex Changes A RelationshipA Women’s Perception of Sex and Commitment
When a woman releases oxytocin (mainly through sex), which leads to bonding, they inevitably become emotionally attached to the guy. The emotional attachment can lead women to tolerate behaviors they would have never allowed before.
Moreover, due to the formed emotional attachment, the woman wants to confirm that the man’s feelings are just as strong as hers.
This is where confirmation bias can significantly affect how women perceive their partners. Confirmation bias is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when people tend to interpret information in a way that supports their preexisting beliefs or hypotheses.
In romantic relationships, women may see and interpret things not as they are but how they want them to be.
As a result, women interpret small gestures or actions from their partners as signs of commitment, leading to an even stronger emotional attachment that is not reciprocated.
Recommended Reading: How Love Blinds Us To RealityThis can profoundly impact the relationship and create a sense of imbalance. In some cases, it can even lead to resentment and conflict.
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