Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds

Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true—counted on to be true—was not. It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies. Sometimes, it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem right. 

Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous. Worse, there are the sincerity and care that obscure what you have lost. You can see the outlines of it now. It was exploitation. You were used. 

Everything in you wants to believe you weren’t. Please make it not so, you pray. Yet enough has emerged. Facts. Undeniable. You sizzle with anger. Betrayal. 

You can’t explain it away anymore. A pattern exists. You know that now. You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really as it seemed). That would be unbearable. 

But to move forward means certain pain. No escape. No in-between. Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow. The usual ways you numb yourself will not work. What Should You Do?

Why You Should Never Sweep Betrayal Trauma Under the Carpet 

Sometimes, it feels easier to ignore betrayal than to address it. When you delay dealing with the painful feelings it brings up, it might seem like you are doing yourself a favor. 

What you are actually doing is repressing negative memories that will end up rising to the surface again at a later time. This is going to hinder you because you are only delaying your healing process. 

From being cheated on to being neglected by your parents, there are many different ways in which you can feel betrayed. No matter how it happens to you, it doesn’t hurt any less.  

In this blog, we will help you understand where your emotional trauma comes from and how long it has been plaguing you. From there, we’ll guide you to seek a solution that will allow you to address this trauma and move forward. 

What is Betrayal Trauma?    

When you enter a romantic relationship, you are forming an incredibly close bond with another person. While in this relationship, you share things with your partner that you would not share with anyone else. From your secrets to intimacy, you should feel comfortable doing so while you are together. 

Often, the routine of being together brings safety to your life. When you feel this safety, you feel that you always have support in anything you do. A healthy relationship can be a very motivational and uplifting element in your life. 

In some ways, close family bonds can also provide you safety. While you are not experiencing the romantic aspects of the dynamic, you still have that sense of trust and safety present. 

This is why certain family betrayals can often hurt just as badly as a breakup. You are still entirely invested in this person, whether they are your caregiver or your sibling. 

You get to know one another on a very personal level that the average person does not get the chance to experience. Trust is in the foreground, no matter what type of interpersonal relationship you have. 

Without trust, your dynamic would not work as well as it does. 

You must both have trust for one another if you want to stay in each other’s lives. This requires mutual care and attention so that you both feel valued. It is common for people to develop trust issues after being betrayed by a loved one or a romantic partner. Because you felt so safe that this person would never hurt you, a betrayal can feel very jarring. 

Recommended Reading: How To Navigate Trust Issues 

How Betrayal Trauma Happens

Imagine that your partner expresses how much they love you. Maybe you two have moved in together, and you are getting ready to get married. This probably brings you a lot of security and safety. 

Now, imagine that you find out your partner has been cheating on you this whole time. Though what you have experienced together, you now have to deal with the fact that they have been unfaithful. Naturally, you will probably feel incapable of processing this kind of betrayal. 

After being lied to and manipulated, knowing the truth can derail your life and cause you to question everything. Not only is your life entirely different than you thought it was, but you must now face the reality of the situation—what are you supposed to do next? 

Usually, the answer to this question comes later on. 

Recommended Reading: How To Get Over A Breakup

What To Do After You’ve Been Betrayed

The pain must first be processed and identified. Only after this happens can the real healing begin. It is common for people to avoid feeling the entire weight of any betrayal because it is just too painful. 

This is when the memory repression might begin. When you repress your memories, imagine you are pushing them far down into your mind. You might push them so far down that you “forget” about them for the time being. 

In the above situation, maybe you forgive your partner for cheating or avoid addressing the subject again, and you take them back into your life. You might do this because you are terrified of giving up your life and what you know it to be. 

Addressing cheating means that change would occur. You would break up, they would move out, and you would no longer get married. This can be a lot to process at one time, so this is why repression seems favorable. It is only a temporary fix. 

Recommended Reading: Why Cheating Happens & What To Do Next

Your relationship will now be full of resentment that makes surprise appearances. You can only repress your memories so long before they erupt like a volcano. 

When you do this, you also aren’t being respectful to yourself. You are letting the other person take advantage of you while still allowing them to live in the comfort and safety of the routine, too. 

You must think about the bigger picture; what is going to be better for you in the long run? 

Avoid options that only provide temporary relief. 

Did you know that betrayal trauma can impact you to the point of developing PTSD? Many people who are betrayed develop PTSD symptoms after some time. 

This is usually an indication that the trauma is still very impactful. Sometimes, it occurs because the trauma was not addressed and worked through properly. 

Signs Of Betrayal Trauma 

A selection of these symptoms include: 

• Intrusive thoughts

• Unstable emotion regulation

• Out-of-body experiences (or feeling disconnected from yourself physically and emotionally – like you’re watching yourself, from a distance, go through life) 

• Switching between feeling numb and lashing out 

• The inability to stop trying to find new information about the situation can cause more distress. 

• Pointing your finger of blame on others to regain a sense of self-worth

• Confusion and disorientation    

When you are experiencing betrayal trauma, you might also be reminded of situations you have endured in the past. These painful, repressed memories get added to the pile of issues that you must deal with to feel okay again. 

It can become very overwhelming, causing you to become reclusive at times. This can lead to other dangerous symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, and even thoughts of suicide. 

Betrayal trauma impacts you neurologically, emotionally, and hormonally. It is an all-around powerful force that can make you feel like you can’t even get out of bed in the morning. 

Not only are you dealing with what just happened to you, but you are also dealing with the pain from situations that have passed. When combined, it truly feels that you will never be able to pull yourself from the dark abyss you feel you are in. 

For this reason, you need to make an effort to address situations of betrayal as they happen to you. If you let them go unresolved for too long, they will continue to torment you for far too long. 

What to Do After A Betrayal 

1. Gain Some Detachment
Stand back and take a look at yourself as an individual. While you might be very close to the person who betrayed you, their actions do not reflect who you are. When you are betrayed, you are the victim.

Remind yourself that you have your own path in life that you can take with or without them. Detaching yourself from their actions can help you rebuild your self-worth.

2. Don’t Indulge in Emotions You Cannot Afford
Do not pretend you are feeling worse or better than you actually are. What you are feeling right now is valid, and it is exactly where you are supposed to be.

Your feelings are going to change, but you need to take as much time as necessary to move through each cycle of what you are experiencing. Remember, it’s okay to feel sad and angry one day and laugh and feel happy the next.

3. Make an Emotional Recovery Plan
Take a look at where you are hurting. Are you feeling emotional pain? Do you notice any physical symptoms in your behavior? You need to identify how to heal these areas to create a plan that will fully heal you. 

While time does heal a lot, it will not heal everything. The rest of your healing process relies on the proactive steps you take toward getting better. 

4. Feel the Hole and Grieve Over It
When you are betrayed, it is common to feel that there is a hole inside of you. In the beginning, you need to feel this emptiness. Acknowledge it and let yourself mourn. This period might last for a few weeks or months, depending on how difficult the breakup was, but you need to wait it out and ensure you are still taking care of yourself as you grieve. Promise yourself that you will fill this emptiness somehow, even if you don’t know exactly how yet. 

5. Seek a Confidant
We could all benefit from having someone to talk to. If you are too scared to bring up the issue to your friends or other loved ones, consider seeking out therapy. 

A therapist is required to keep your secrets, and it can be a good feeling to know you have someone who is there for you no matter what.

6. Counter Self-Pity
When you have been betrayed, self-pity is a common safeguard. You might feel that you have to put yourself down and tell yourself you “deserve” the treatment you received. Instead of focusing on self-pity in this way, do something nice for someone else. This will shift your mindset.

Recommended Reading: Tips To Practice Self-Love

Conclusion

Betrayal leaves behind significant traces of hurt and pain. There are unique qualities when the trauma is by the hand of those who are expected to love, protect, and cherish us. 

This type of trauma is interpersonal relational trauma. When we are hurt, it is natural to turn to those we are closest to for comfort and healing. However, when these people are also the source of our trauma and pain, we are lost in a difficult double bind. It is confusing and challenging to navigate; remember to have grace and patience with yourself as you navigate this difficult time.