Open the Door to Change
Every morning, when you look in the mirror, you see yourself and know exactly who you are. You don’t have to rediscover yourself each day; you already know your likes, such as your love for books, reading SimplyMidori, or your preference for strawberry ice cream.
This identity is like the ground beneath your feet, providing daily support. When you’re unsure about key aspects of your identity, like many with an anxious attachment style, it can lead to self-doubt.
Moreover, the stronger your identification with a certain aspect of your personality, the more likely you are to interpret your actions through that lens and continue to act in alignment with it. Consequently, feelings of self-doubt or inadequacy can lead to indecision and self-criticism.
Even though your self-perceptions and actions might make you feel bad about yourself, you continue the cycle because it gives you a sense of security in understanding yourself and what you believe you need from others.
Related Reading: Learn Why You Relate To Yourself & Others The Way You Do
The Importance Of Seeing Yourself & Other Others Correctly
Imagine not knowing if everyone you meet is incredibly kind like Mother Teresa or extremely dangerous like Al Capone. People often form beliefs about others, whether right or wrong, based on certain characteristics like gender, ethnicity, or occupation.
At a fundamental level, we all hold beliefs about human nature. Some believe people are generally kind and selfless, while others think most people are selfish. These beliefs shape how we interact in all relationships, from casual to close ones.
For example, if you believe people are generally trustworthy, you might invite a new friend over to your home sooner. But if you’re skeptical about others’ intentions, you might wait longer before extending the invitation.
Seeing yourself and others in a certain light is crucial, especially regarding your attachment style. This is because it shapes how you engage with the world. Based on your attachment style, your brain forms a picture of what you anticipate in yourself and your partner.
It doesn’t take much evidence to persuade yourself that your beliefs about attachment are correct, even if they may not be entirely accurate or helpful.
Related Reading: Learn How To Trust Again
What does an anxious attachment style look like in a relationship?
Meet Samantha, who has a preoccupied attachment style. She often feels insecure and believes that her partners will eventually lose interest in her and cheat. Despite her current boyfriend, Frank, who regularly reassures her of his love and commitment, Samantha still struggles to let go of her fear of being abandoned.
When Frank showed up late for a date, Samantha immediately thought he might be hiding something, like another relationship. She saw this as proof of her own flaws and unlovability.
Psychologists call this tendency confirmation bias, where people look for evidence to support their beliefs. When people use this bias to confirm what they already believe about themselves, psychologists call it self-verification. These processes mostly happen without people realizing it, so they can’t see how their beliefs cause them distress.
These hidden biased perceptions can make people repeat old patterns, even when those patterns keep causing pain and failure.
How Something Can Trigger You To Change Your Attachment Style
Sometimes, when people become really unhappy with their lives or relationships, they start to question their biases, which opens up the possibility for change.
If we continue with the example above, imagine that Samantha had been upset over many failed relationships in the past, not knowing why they didn’t work out. But she felt he was special with Frank, so she took some time to think deeply about things.
She realized that her worries about Frank leaving her didn’t match up with how caring and faithful he had always been. So, she started to question and push back against those fears.
Even though it was hard and she had to work at it, this change helped Samantha become more willing to trust Frank. Over time, she started to feel more lovable herself; after all, if someone like Frank could love her, then she must be worthy of love.
For those dealing with an anxious attachment style, realizing they are worthy of love is crucial. Challenging the tendency to self-verify and see life through a biased lens is tough, but you can begin by understanding what signs to watch for in yourself.
Related Reading: Discover Your Attachment Style
Learning to See Yourself in a Positive Light
It’s common to believe that you can alter your way of interacting simply by being aware of when you self-verify or exhibit confirmation bias. For example, you might notice moments of unnecessary self-criticism or unrealistic fear of rejection.
While this idea holds some truth, it’s essential to realize that such realizations can be uncomfortable or even distressing. You might feel anxious, avoid thinking about your observations, or simply sense that something is off. You might also find yourself doubting these new, more positive observations instead of questioning your biases.
This is because these observations challenge the core of how you understand yourself and your relationships. Consequently, they disrupt your sense of comfort and security in the world.
But the more you acknowledge your biases, the more you’ll start to be open to—and even seek out—a more balanced perspective. Gradually, you’ll begin to perceive yourself and your partner in a new light.
Related Reading: How To Start Practicing Self Love
How We Reaffirm Our Self-Esteem
As mentioned before, people are really driven to confirm their beliefs about whether they’re lovable or not. They do this by focusing on certain things, remembering certain things, and interpreting things in a way that fits with what they already believe (Swann, Rentfrow, and Guinn, 2003).
Notice how these three principles all connect and end up with the same outcome:
- Selective attention: People tend to focus more on feedback that confirms their perception of their own lovability or unlovability than on feedback that contradicts it.
- Selective memory: People often recall feedback that aligns with their perception of being worthy or unworthy of love while sometimes disregarding or forgetting information that contradicts this perception.
- Selective interpretation: People tend to accept feedback that confirms their belief about being lovable or unlovable without questioning it. They may dismiss conflicting feedback as erroneous or deceptive and even interpret ambiguous information as validation of their self-perceptions.
As someone navigating an anxious attachment style, you may find yourself confirming feelings of unworthiness in these ways:
- Pay close attention to signs of neediness, weakness, or flaws in yourself.
- Minimizing or overlooking your strengths and positive qualities.
- Recalling instances where your partner’s actions or words seemed to reinforce your sense of inadequacy.
- Seeking evidence that supports the belief that your partner might reject or leave you.
- Forgetting moments when your partner expressed appreciation for you.
- Forgetting times when your partner supported you during difficult times.
If you aren’t in a relationship:
- You tend to remember all the times you’ve been rejected.
- You seldom consider your lack of interest in others who have shown interest in you.
Seeing these biases and how they impact your daily life might be tough. So, take some time to review this section and the following exercise. Apply what you learn to your own experiences.
Related Reading: How To Stop Judging & Condemning Yourself
How do you break the cycle of anxious attachment?
Here are some questions to help you understand how you keep up your self-perception of being unworthy of love (if you feel this way). It’s a key step in breaking the cycle. Answer them regarding your partner and other close people in your life.
Continue practicing this exercise daily until you naturally become aware of these issues throughout your day. Because the urge to self-verify can make it challenging, writing your answers can help you stay focused and guide yourself.
Challenge Selective Attention To Break The Cycle Of Low Self-esteem Caused By Your Anxious Attachment style
- What happened today that made you feel loved or made you question your belief that you’re unlovable? Choose one or two instances, such as your partner wanting to spend time with you or receiving a call from a friend.
- How did you feel in these situations? (For example, happy, uncomfortable, confused, indifferent.)
- How did you interpret these situations? For example, did you dismiss or minimize this feedback?
- Did you question the honesty or competence of the person giving it? For example, did you assume your partner only wanted to watch TV with you out of habit?
- Can you recognize how you might be self-verifying through selective attention?
Challenging Selective Memory To Break The Cycle Of Low Self-Esteem Caused By Your Anxious Attachment style
- What positive things did you do today? (Even the small things matter.)
- How have family, friends, or acquaintances shown appreciation for you recently?
- How did your partner demonstrate care or affection towards you recently?
Challenging Selective Interpretation To Break The Cycle Of Low Self-Esteem Caused By Your Anxious Attachment style
- Do you believe you might have misunderstood someone’s actions or intentions, interpreting them as evidence that you are unlovable? For instance, could you have misinterpreted your partner’s tiredness as a reflection of your own worth?
- Is it possible that you are magnifying the feedback you received, interpreting it as more negative than it was intended? For example, do you perceive yourself as flawed and unlovable when your partner was simply trying to discuss something that bothered him?
- Are you minimizing your strengths and concentrating on areas where you feel you fall short compared to your own unrealistic standards or the accomplishments of your partner and others?
Review your answers to each of the sections above regarding selective attention, memory, and interpretation. Pay attention to how you tend to self-verify through these processes. Are there recurring themes or patterns you notice across your responses?
You may find that you frequently experience jealousy, constantly anticipate rejection, or habitually criticize yourself as inadequate or flawed, especially compared to your partner. Additionally, you might worry that your partner will lose interest in you once they discover your perceived shortcomings.
Indeed, if you often feel distressed when your partner appears indifferent towards you, it’s essential to document this theme. Take note of any specific instances or patterns where you feel this way, as it will be valuable to reflect on as you break your low self-esteem to see the real you.
Conclusion
In this blog, we’ve explored how your attachment style, self-verification tendencies, and confirmation bias intertwine to reinforce familiar patterns. These patterns can distort your perceptions and lead to unhelpful ways of viewing yourself and your relationships, both past and present.
It’s definitely a lot to take in, and absorbing it fully will require some time and reflection. It’s crucial to understand these concepts and apply them to your own experiences and how you navigate your relationships.
Indeed, simply knowing this information in theory may not be enough to address ingrained behavior patterns. However, through the exercises and reflections provided, you can begin to recognize and challenge these patterns, paving the way for happier and healthier relationships.
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