A Lesson On Chemistry: The Initial Spark

This article is part of our series Modern Dating vs. Biblical Dating. Before continuing this article, please review the preambles, Navigating The Line Between Friendship & Dating Part 2, A Look into Modern and Biblical Dating Part 1. 

Here we are going to shatter one of the biggest myths in modern dating: looks matter most. 

Physical appearance is massive when it comes to Modern Dating but is not or should not be a big factor when it comes to Biblical Dating. 

We will identify what really matters when it comes to finding true love and lasting relationships – that there is something far more valuable than any preconceived notions of how things “should” be. Let’s explore what the Bible tells us to look for in a spouse.

Are Looks Really Everything? The Shocking Results of Christian Dating Surveys

When thinking about a partner to date and marry FOREVER, what “desire or trait” must your spouse have? What are the other things that are on top of your list? 

Chances are, you might say things like “a good sense of humor,” “a fun-loving personality, “tall” or even “financial stability.” 

But according to a recent survey, the number one answer for Christian and non-Christian singles is …. drumroll, please.

Physical Attractiveness.

That’s right, despite our best intentions and our professed faith in God, humans can’t help but be drawn to someone who looks good. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with being attracted to someone’s appearance, the fact that it’s the top priority for so many people is something to think about.

Of course, some of you might be thinking, “Well, duh. Everyone knows that looks matter.” 

But here’s the thing: these surveys were explicitly conducted among Christian singles both male and female. That’s right, people who claim to follow Jesus and his teachings. And yet, when choosing a partner, physical attractiveness still reigns supreme.

So what does this mean for us as Christians? 

Should we abandon finding someone with any outer beauty? Not at all. But we need to be aware of our biases and preferences and be willing to challenge them if they’re not in line with what God wants for us.

After all, as the Bible says, “Do not look on his appearance or the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7). So while it’s okay to appreciate someone’s good looks, let’s not forget that true beauty comes from within.

Forget What the World Tells You: Attraction Isn’t Everything

Let’s face it; we live in a world where physical attraction rules supreme. From glossy magazines to blockbuster movies, we’re constantly bombarded with images of beautiful, perfectly airbrushed couples who seem to have it all. 

And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone easy on the eyes, I have met countless singles that have dismissed even the idea of dating someone that is God-fearing and not the best to look at but fell in love with someone that is easy on the eyes and has NO relationship with God. 

In most of these discussions, you hear, “I just don’t feel there’s a spark with said Christian guy/girl.

We must ask ourselves whether a spark/ or immediate physical attraction is the be-all and end-all when finding a lifelong companion.

For many of us, the answer is a resounding yes. 

The idea of looks/chemistry/ spark is often touted as the ultimate test of a “potential” successful relationship. There is this idea or expectation that two people should be able to chat endlessly, stare into each other’s eyes, and feel butterflies from the get-go. There is a belief that two people should fall in love at first sight, knowing if someone is the one immediately!

Isn't this how Saul became King? ? 

Reality Is The Initial Lust/ Spark Does Not Keep Couples Together!

As someone who’s counseled couples, I can tell you that attraction, chemistry, or a spark is fickle. I’ve met countless couples that instantly connected with someone, the sparks flew, and their chemistry together was off the charts. Unfortunately, most of them got married and are headed to divorce. 

I’ve learned over the years that attraction is one piece of the puzzle, as a successful relationship demands so much more than just physical chemistry. It requires mutual respect, shared values, and a willingness to work through tough times together.

Why Attraction Alone Won’t Build A Godly Marriage

As Christians, we’re called to think differently than the rest of the world. We’re not supposed to be swayed by our own desires or what society tells us is essential. Instead, we’re supposed to use Scripture as the ultimate measure of our desires.

That means taking every single thought and area of our lives and holding it captive to the Word of God. 

It’s not always easy, but it’s necessary if we want to build a strong foundation for our marriages.

Now, let’s be clear: attraction does play a role in finding a husband or wife. Just read the Song of Solomon for proof! But as biblical Christians, we can’t rely on attraction as the foundation of our marriages.

Why the “Attraction-as-Foundation” Approach to Dating and Marriage May Not Be the Best Idea

Let’s face it, most of us are familiar with the “attraction-as-foundation” approach to dating and marriage. You know the drill: you meet someone who looks good, seems nice, and you both feel that spark of attraction. And before you know it, you’re already planning your wedding in your head.

But here’s the thing: while attraction is lovely in any relationship, it shouldn’t be the only thing you base your decision on. 

Why not? Well, the world’s definition of attraction is often superficial and fleeting. It’s based on physical appearance, popularity, or wealth – all things that can change or fade over time. When we build our marriages on these things, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Need more convincing.

Do you know what marriage is built on?

SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE.SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. 

Did I say sacrifice?

Stay with me:

When we look for a future spouse, we are obsessed with one question:

How do I know if I’ve found the one?

It’s a question that’s been asked countless times in movies, TV shows, and pop songs. But have you ever stopped to think about what it means?

The question is 100% about finding someone who will make us happy and fulfill our desires. It’s like we’re shopping for a product that will give us the most pleasure for the least amount of effort. The very nature of the question is self-centered and grossly distorts the biblical definitions of “love” and “marriage.” 

The Bible emphasizes that love is not just a feeling but a sacrificial action. It’s about putting the needs of others before our own. 

So when we approach dating and marriage with a “what’s in it for me?” mindset, we miss the whole point of love and marriage. 

Love: More Than Just a Feeling

Many of us think of love as a warm, fuzzy feeling that just happens to us. We fall in love with someone who catches our eye, and we’re swept off our feet. 

I will never forget hearing, “love is a choice.”

Love is a choice, not an emotion. Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is deliberate, not passive. Love is not something that happens to you. Love is something you do.

Love is an act of the will that leads to selfless actions toward others. It’s a choice we make, not just a feeling we have. Jesus himself said that the second-greatest commandment (after loving God) is to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). He didn’t say to love your neighbor only if they’re attractive or if they’ve treated you well. No, we’re called to love others as we love ourselves, regardless of how they look or treat us.

Recommended Reading: 9 Ways to Show Your Spouse That They Are #1 In Your Life 

The Ultimate Example of Selfless Love: Jesus Christ 

Marriage is a beautiful analogy of how Christ loves and sacrifices for the church and how it responds to Him. But how do we apply this to our marriages?

Well, think about it this way. When we enter marriage, we commit to serve and love our spouse, just as Christ loves and serves us. It’s not about what we can get from the relationship but what we can give to it.

When we think about what Jesus did, it’s the ultimate example of selfless love. He didn’t go to the cross as a spontaneous response triggered by emotion. His perfect love for us was a choice, an act undertaken despite our lack of attractiveness — and it led to both sacrifice and joy. As Jesus himself said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).

Marriage: The Ultimate Act of Love, Service, and Sacrifice

Let’s be real: Marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies. It’s a rollercoaster ride filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. But that’s what makes it incredibly fun and incredibly hard at the same time. For most people, marriage is the greatest act of ministry and service they will ever undertake.

Husbands, listen up: you are literally called to “give yourselves up for” your wives. That means sacrificing your own desires and putting your wife’s needs first. And wives, don’t forget: you are called to submit to, respect, and serve your husbands “as to the Lord.”

But here’s the catch: biblical marriage is not just about receiving countless blessings. It’s about giving back. It’s about loving, serving, sacrificing, and ministering to your spouse, who is undoubtedly a sinful human being, just like you.

According to Scripture, marriage is anything but a selfish endeavor. It’s a ministry. It’s an act of love that requires patience, kindness, forgiveness, and humility. How:

• When you and your spouse have a huge fight, you choose to listen, understand, and work it out together instead of walking away. That’s an act of love.

• When your spouse is sick, you stay up to care for them all night. That’s an act of service.

• When your spouse does something to hurt you, you choose to forgive them and move forward. That’s an act of sacrifice.

Don’t get us wrong, marriage is not always easy. But it’s worth it. It’s worth the effort, the time, and the investment. Because at the end of the day, you and your spouse are in it together. You’re a team, and you’re working towards a common goal: to love and serve each other and, ultimately, to honor God.

So, if you’re married, embrace the ministry of marriage. And if you’re not married yet, remember that biblical marriage is not just about finding your soulmate or your happily ever after. It’s about finding someone who is willing to love, serve, sacrifice, and minister to you, and who you are willing to do the same for.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. It’s a ministry. And it’s an opportunity to show the world what true love, service, sacrifice, and ministry look like.

THEREFORE: What sense does it make to undertake that ministry based primarily on a list of self-centered (and often petty) preferences? If your idea of attraction — whatever that is — dominates your pursuit of a spouse, consider: Is your approach biblical?

So, what’s the solution? 

It’s simple: we need to look for a partner we’re attracted to, but what is significantly more relevant is their godliness, character, and faith.

This means getting to know someone beyond just their looks or surface-level interests. It means asking questions about their hopes and dreams, core values, and vision for the future. It means seeing how their relationship with the Lord and others is. It means understanding if they are someone that will serve the family you want to create or if they will only look to be served. 

In short, it means being intentional about who you choose to spend your life with. Because while attraction may lead us to a first date, it’s a strong relationship with Christ that will lead us to “happily ever after.”

What A Forever Marriage Is Built On

A godly marriage is built on an anchor, which is Jesus! It’s built on a shared commitment to Jesus Christ, a dedication to loving and serving one another, and a willingness to work through the inevitable challenges of any relationship.

So, if you’re single and looking for a spouse, don’t just focus on finding someone who looks good on paper or makes your heart skip a beat. Look for someone who has faith, values their relationship with God above all else, and pursues building the local church. 

Conclusion: Attraction isn’t Everything

So, there you have it: if we want a successful and happy marriage, attraction isn’t everything. It isn’t the only factor that should be considered. Marriage simply can’t be built on superficial things or the idea of getting to know someone through something as simple as physical attraction.

Instead, it needs to be built on love – true love that sees beyond all our flaws and falls head over heels in love with us even while knowing them. It needs to be found in service and sacrifice – willing to put aside our own wants and desires to look out for the other person’s well-being.

Love like this – selfless and pure – is something that can only be found in Jesus Christ himself and shared with others when we surrender ourselves to Him. If you’re thinking about marriage, set your standards high and take it from there. And if you find this blog helpful, we’d love for you to share it with your community!