Sexual Compatibility
Welcome to a conversation about a topic that lies at the heart of many romantic relationships – sexual compatibility. In the intricate dance of human connection, sex is a significant expression of intimacy.
It’s woven into the fabric of our existence, profoundly shaping our experiences. Yet, despite its importance, navigating sexual compatibility with a partner can be a perplexing journey, evoking feelings of confusion and frustration.
Whether you’ve been together for a short while or weathered the storms of a long-term relationship, the nuances of sexual connection remain a dynamic aspect of the romantic landscape. By exploring and understanding the depths of compatibility, sexually, we can enhance the richness and sexual satisfaction within a romantic relationship.
What is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is about how well you and your partner meet each other’s sexual needs, communicate about sex, and ensure that both of you are satisfied. Most marriage and family therapist agree that when a couple is sexually compatible they both feel seen, heard and have sexual satisfaction in their relationship.
Sexual compatibility refers to the interplay of your individual sexual preferences, sexual desire, sexual expectations and libido levels, and how they play out together.
If your sexual compatibility is off due to differences or life situations, one or both of you might feel unfulfilled, disconnected, and lacking pleasure in which sex therapy may be the best option.
Is Being Sexually Compatible Important in a Relationship?
If you were speaking to a marriage and family therapist they will tell you that there is no right or wrong answer. For some married couples, it’s crucial, while for others, it’s pretty miniscule. The importance of sexual compatibility in your relationship may change over time, especially as you develop emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential intimacy with each other.
Your sexual preferences evolve, and with it, your needs and desires. A relationship has many other components besides sex, like trust, communication, companionship, playfulness, enjoyment, collaboration, and more.
Sexual compatibility will ebb and flow, but it tends to be strongest when a couple grows the other parts of their relationship. So how important is it? Only the two of you can answer that question.
However, if it is vital for you, we want to give you tips for picking the right partner or growing your sexual compatibility.
What Influences Sexual Compatibility?
Seduction is one of the main determiners of if two people are sexually compatible. Seduction is the act of persuading someone to engage in a sexual relationship. Seduction mostly happens through actions and words that tend to attract the attention of a partner.
If one wishes to become a great seducer, you must work on talking, using open communication, and engage in orchestrating surprise sexual experiences while avoiding familiarity and boredom in your relationship.
Notably, surprises influence seduction. Most couples that implement spontaneity tend to have a great sex life. Surprises keep a relationship on its toes while nurturing each others desires. Needless to say boredom, routine, experiencing the same things continuously decreases sexual appetite in two people.
However it’s worth stating that too many surprises or only having new sexual experiences could be counter productive. In general a surprise or a new sexual experience has power because it enables us to see our partner as a better person (similar to anything new in life- for a short period we only see the best).
How To Determine If You’re Sexually Compatible?
Donna Ludlow, a certified sex therapist says, that “unfortunately, couples are not sexually satisfied partly due to seduction becoming a lost art. Some relationships are so me focused that the individuals are unable to analyze their partner’s perspective.
Seduction is a social activity and the only way to improve is by paying attention to feedback and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. When we do this our sex life improves as we learn more about our seductive energy and how to express it adequately.
To determine if you are sexually compatible we will use what we will call your seduction character.
Your seduction character will help you understand yourself and the energy you exert toward your partner. The following categories should guide you and your partner to understand if you are sexually compatible and help create the best seducer out of you.
To learn about your sexual energy and how you will express it we will look at Robert Greene’s Art of Seduction.
In the art of seduction Robert Green introduces several seduction characters. As you learn analyze your sexual character versus your sexual partners’ you will be able to cultivate a better sexual relationship.
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The Siren: They are physically appealing (easy on the eyes), highly sexual, and confident. They are great at flirting and know how to use their body parts to turn people on. Think the people that are fantasies of others sexual desires (think Selma Hayek or Marilyn Monroe).
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The Rake: They are typically strong and wealthy, and physically appealing as well. This person avoids emotional intimacy and focuses mainly on sex. This person is typically somewhat toxic and never settles for one partner. They are a Casanova (think any 007 agent or Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love).
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The Ideal Lover: They are typically the friend who is always there for you. They comfort you when the rake or the siren breaks your heart. This is the type of person that always comforts you and makes you think no matter what you’ve done you’re amazing! (Think of Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic).
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The Dandy: They have total freedom and do not abide by traditional gender roles or standards. People admire their freedom and looseness. They are usually the center of attention and wherever they go there is usually an emphasis on them. (Think Harry Styles or Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider).
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The Natural: Think of the girl next door or the nice guy. They have this innocent allure to them. These are the optimist they bring a sense of calm and peace wherever they go. These people make you feel good. (Think of Emma Roberts or Ted Lasso).
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The Coquette: These are the people that are forever hard to get, they avoid disclosing information about themselves and often seem somewhat mysterious. Falling in love is a deal breaker for this person. If either person gets too close they will abruptly end the relationship with little communication. These are the people that are in it until things “get real.” Their mystery is enticing yet frustrating as you all are never on the same page. (Think George Clooney before Amal or Jennifer Aniston)
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The Charmer: These are the people that know exactly how to make you fall in love. They make you feel special and put you at the center of their universe. They know just what to say to feed your ego and make you feel special. However, it’s like watching a G-rated movie, their is no dirty talk or passion brewing. These people feel innocent but tend to have a devilish side. They are often a little narcissistic and emotionally avoidant. (Think Tom Cruise or Lake Bell)
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The Charismatic: This person is the life of the party. They are often the center of attention. People describe them as loud, fun, animated. the list goes on. We enjoy being around these people. (Think Melissa McCarthy, Kevin Hart)
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The Star: This is the person that people look up to. People almost don’t feel worthy to be around these people, as the name suggest, they are like movie stars. This person feels out of reach to the “normal” person and just being acknowledged by them makes us feel lucky! (Think Mick Jagger or Beyonce)
After analyzing yourself and identifying your category, you should also determine your partners sex characteristic! Doing so will enable you will allow you to potentially understand your partners turn ons and turn offs.
It’s worth noting that couples with the same seduction character are usually experience sexual incompatibility or intimacy issues as they have different expectations of what sexual activities feel their own desires. In addition we are typically experience sexual compatibility with those that are not like us.
Recommended Reading: How To Overcome Intimacy IssuesIdentifying Ourselves & Our Lovers
The above list the 9 sexually seductive characters that spark our fancies. While we may have attraction to multiple characters, there is usually one that mainly sticks out and defines all our past relationships.
The way we attract and talk to people can be defined through the following types of people. While we may show signs of various types, there will be one that sticks out more than the rest.
Keep in mind the point of understanding who you and your partner are is to understand your differences and gain a deeper understanding of who we love, how to best love, and if we should re-evaluate who we love.
How To Choose Someone That You’re Sexually Compatible With?
Making a relationship work with The Siren:
–Do not let your character, morals or principles suffer.
-Remember what you plan to do with your life.
-Do not let yourself be distracted for temporary pleasure as they can lure you in with their sexuality causing you to forget about you and focus only on them.
Making a relationship work with The Rake:
-Do not let your character, morals or principles suffer.
-Inform them of your life plans, and hold them accountable if they hold you back (they will view their plans as more important).
-Do not be hypnotized by how they talk or the allure of their sexuality. Keep track of their actions.
-Set high expectations for them and do not allow them to avoid making a commitment to the relationship. (Unless you can create commitment it’s worth avoiding premarital sex with these people).
Making a relationship work with The Ideal Lover:
-Allow them to dream, but keep a firm grounding on reality.
-Keep communication open about your wants and needs to ensure you’re on the same page.
-Be cautious with their proposals and plans and remember they are also humans.
A healthy relationship involves choosing a partner with needs you can fill. Making the right choice includes avoiding those who seem inaccessible and emotionally unavailable. As an FYI, Donna, certified sex therapist, tells us that introverts and shy people usually make better partners as compared to extroverts.
Creating A Healthy Sex Life
When you are trying to improve your sex life in marriage everything starts with talking. A friendly conversation where we learn turn ons and dislikes immediately engages the other person’s interest. A good sign of a healthy marriage lies in the fact that we are constantly getting to know each other.
How to improve your sexual compatibility- Although all couples are different, and each relationship is unique, these are ways to improve your compatability:
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Avoid Manipulation – Men and women often feel that their partner is fooling them/ attempting to take advantage of them bringing a lack of trust into the marriage. Learn to ask questions instead of assuming the worst.
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Demonstrate Independence – Marriage satisfaction is two people that create a world together and have hobbies and other things that they do apart. Good conversations happen when you we have new things to share with each other.
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Have Fun – This is obvious we should have fun with our partner, this includes in and out of the bedroom.
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Be Humorous – It makes you sexy if you can take both teasing and criticism. Joking can create sex tension in a relationship.
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Observe Good Hygiene – Your breath, appearance, and hygiene matter a lot. Sometimes in marriage we let go of our sex appeal and allow our partner to constantly see us at or worst. Dress up and look good to be the object of their sexual desires.
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Body Language – Your confidence and attitude are visible through your body language. Smile, touch, lean in and engage.
