As a marriage counselor you hear about a wide variety of relationship challenges in a couples therapy session. Typically they all boil down to two feelings: “We are so disconnected” and “We just don’t communicate effectively.”
In couples therapy sessions typically both people report that the relationship started off quite well, but gradually life began to get busier, and each partner began to give less attention to nurturing the relationship.
Over the long run, couples start to spend less time together, spending even less time working on successful marriage necessities: improving communication, building emotional intimacy, and sustaining their sex life, which when you do without, results in more irritation with each other. The more irritated the couple became with each other, the less likely it was for them to communicate effectively and connect.
Once a couple finds themselves in this vicious cycle, it’s difficult for them to find their way out on their own, hence couples therapy.
What is the first step in marriage counseling?
Usually, when people come to couples therapy, they want to identify problematic areas, i.e., household chores, sex life, substance abuse, the constant fighting, religious beliefs, and navigating past events or past conflicts. However the first step I focus on in couples therapy is to reconnect.
How?
After the first couples therapy session I assign the following homework, which is due before the next session:
The couple should spend 15-20 minutes a day together, alone and undistracted, to get on the same page. I encourage clients to do this in the evening after dinner, dishes, and the children are asleep. The couple can have tea, coffee, or a drink, with some music and dim lighting to create a calming experience.
Part of this assignment is avoiding topics that might produce any tension or conflict and focusing instead on sharing words of appreciation, feelings about the relationship, their life in general, core values or dreams for their future!
In most cases couples report in the next counseling session that they struggled with what to discuss during the time, and they would therefore avoid the assignment and become more discouraged about their relationship.
As a result, I decided to write this blog, connection-building conversations for a couple to have at home to get on the same page!
How To Use Couples Therapy Questions @ Home
Each set of marriage counseling questions acts as one day of marriage counseling. The married couple reads a brief description of a topic and why it is relevant to relationship health and then takes turns asking one another a series of ten questions that will guide them through a conversation about the topic.
Topics vary in emotional intensity and are all presented in a reader-friendly, non-judgmental, and safe manner. These conversations are an opportunity for growth in your relationship and provide a space to address conflict in a healthy and productive way.
Couples Therapy Questions (Remember How You Fell In Love)
There is no better place to start in marriage counseling than reflecting back on those first days of falling in love with each other, you know before past conflicts clouded your relationship dynamics! When reminiscing about the early stages of your romantic relationship, I’m sure you remember it as a wonderful and exciting time.
You probably remember feeling that the two of you were just on the same page. Over time, however, it’s possible that you and your partner, like many in couples counseling, have found that your relationship sometimes feels less fulfilling and passionate than it used to. If so, I would encourage you to take time to reminisce about what you each fell in love with about one another and find ways to make things feel new and exciting again.
The first of the 7 marriage counseling sessions will remind you of why you chose to have a future together, creating a renewed vigor for your relationship!
Take turns asking each other the following marriage counseling questions:
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Do you remember the first time we met?
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What was the first thing you noticed about me?
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What were your first impressions of me?
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When did you know you had fallen in love with me?
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Do you remember who said, “I love you” first?
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What was it about me that you fell in love with?
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What are the things that you love most about me now?
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When do you feel closest to me now?
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Do I show you often enough that I still love you?
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What can we do to make our relationship feel new and exciting?
Are You Friends?
After a few marriage counseling sessions I ask couples if they consider each other friends? Believe it or not, when I ask this question, both partners typically are unsure how to answer. I am sure that at the beginning of your relationship, you did think of your partner as a friend, maybe even your new best friend.
If you have continued to feel like good friends, you are very fortunate, as friendship is a key foundational component of a healthy relationship. But suppose you do not think of each other as friends but instead as spouses, co-parents, financial partners, etc. In that case, you probably treat each other with less respect and consideration than your actual friends and often feel your emotional needs are not being met.
In premarital counseling if a couple does not have a healthy friendship, I recommend not getting married. In relationship counseling if a couple does not have a healthy friendship I urge them to make their friendship a priority by spending quality time together.
The following conversation focuses on the traits that create a healthy friendship to strengthen your relationship’s friendship.
Couples Therapy Questions To Ask About Friendship
Take turns asking each other the following couple therapy questions:
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Do you think I make spending time with you a priority?
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Do I show enough interest in your activities?
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Do you think that I am able to consider your point of view and make compromises?
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Do I treat you with enough respect and consideration?
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Are you able to share your likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams with me?
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Are you ever hurt by the things I say to you?
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Do I act like I value what you bring to my life?
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Are you able to have as much fun with me as you do with your friends?
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Do I tell you often enough how much I appreciate your friendship?
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How can I be a better friend to you?
Do You Feel Loved?
The next step in marriage counseling is exploring the universal human need to feel loved. I’m sure that early on in your relationship, you found it effortless to show your partner love with words, actions, and physical affection, but as time passed and life got busier, you may have begun to take each other for granted.
In order to create a long-lasting relationship, love needs to be thought of not only as a feeling but also as a behavior. In other words, love is not just something you feel but something that you show through actions.
In marriage counseling, I teach how important it is not to assume that your partner can read your mind or know what is in your heart.
Also, you may not each feel loved and cared for the same way. Therefore it is important to ask your partner what does make them feel that way so that you can be sure to show your love in a way that is uniquely special to them.
An excellent way to create connection and emotional security in your married life is to take time each day to consider what you can do to convey your love to your partner and then check in to make sure they feel loved and cared for.
It may be as simple as calling on your way home from work to see if your partner needs anything from the grocery store for dinner or getting up early to care for the kids so your partner can sleep in.
In marriage counseling I often see that when couples take the time to do this, they are rewarded with great appreciation and closeness. The following conversation focuses on how you and your partner experienced love and affection in your family of origin, how you experience it currently, and how you can continue to nurture it in your relationship going forward.
Couples Therapy Questions To Ask About Feeling Loved
Take turns asking each other the following couple therapy questions:
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Did your family openly express affection?
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Were your parents affectionate with each other?
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How did you feel cared for as a child?
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Did your parents tell you they loved you?
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Am I affectionate enough with you?
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When was the last time I made you feel cared for?
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Do you like me to tell you I love you every day?
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Do you like me to give you gifts?
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How important are compliments from me?
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Are you willing to make a commitment to do something daily to show me you love and care for me?
Do You Practice Acceptance?
The root of the word “accept” is the Latin term for “receive.” When we accept someone for who they are, we are truly receiving them in our hearts.
You most likely found it easy to overlook your partner’s flaws at the beginning of your relationship and might even have found them charming. As time passed, these charming flaws became really annoying to you and gradually even a serious issue.
Over time you may have found yourself using the words “always” or “never” to describe your partner. For instance, you may say, “You never make plans for us,” or “You are always late for dinner.” Unfortunately, these types of generalizations can result in your partner feeling that love and acceptance have become very conditional in your relationship, and one or both of you are apt to begin to pull away emotionally.
In couples therapy I explain that for every trait you were originally drawn to in your partner; there is generally a flip side that will be more visible at times of conflict or distress.
For instance, your “spontaneous” partner may seem unreliable at times, or your “organized” partner may suddenly seem controlling. The more you keep this in perspective, the more you will be able to accept the annoyances and soon enjoy again the traits you love.
The more accepting you are of each other, the safer it will feel to be vulnerable and the more emotionally intimate your relationship will be.
The following conversation focuses on how well you each tolerate strengths and weaknesses in yourselves and each other and on creating a greater sense of acceptance in your relationship.
Couples Therapy Questions To Ask About Feeling Accepted
Take turns asking each other the following couple therapy questions:
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Is it easy or difficult for you to admit to having weaknesses?
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Do you feel you can be yourself with me?
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Does it feel safe to be weak or vulnerable with me?
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Do you feel I love and accept you unconditionally?
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Do you feel accepted by me more than you feel disapproved of?
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Do you feel that I notice more what you do right than what you do wrong?
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Is it easy to approach me about my weaknesses or things I do wrong?
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If the things that bother you about me never change, will you still be ok with me?
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Do you feel that I am as accepting of you now as I was early in our relationship?
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Is there anything that I can do to improve the feelings of acceptance in our relationship?
Do You Understand?
At our core, we all want to be understood. We are often willing to agree to disagree if, and that’s a big if, we believe we have been heard and our feelings have been respected. In marriage counseling I often see couples engaging in “I’m right and you’re wrong” conversations, eyes rolling, arms crossed, staring in opposite directions with an invisible bridge burned between them.
Yet, when I softly and gently point out the emotional pain and need I see beneath the frosty surface complaints, a slow thaw often begins. “What I think I’m hearing from you, Sarah, is that you fear your needs will never be a priority to George just like they so seldom were when you were growing up, and George you feel that whenever you have tried, it doesn’t seem to be enough and you are so scared of being criticized like you were as a little boy that you just give up.”
Bodies begin to shift toward each other, some eye contact is made, eyes moisten, and an emotionally honest conversation begins. When a couple can go to this emotionally open place, they are more able to relinquish their point of view for a moment and to show each other empathy.
Empathy is a tuning-in process. It is an attempt by each of you to understand what the other is feeling. I am sure you can think of a time at the beginning of your relationship when you were upset and just needed to be comforted. Your partner was most likely very interested in understanding what you were feeling without judging you, correcting you, or criticizing you, which only deepened your love.
The following conversation focuses on how to show empathy to one another as you did early on in order to create an emotionally safe and intimately connected relationship going forward.
Couples Therapy Questions To Ask About Feeling Understood
Take turns asking each other the following couple therapy questions:
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What is your first memory of being upset as a child?
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Did anyone comfort you?
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Was it acceptable to experience feelings as a child?
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If not, which ones were acceptable and which were not?
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Did you see your parents express a wide range of feelings?
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Did you ever see your parents comfort each other?
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Do you feel embarrassed to have or share any feelings?
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What do you need most from me when you feel upset?
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Do you feel safe to share all of your feelings with me?
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Do you think that I share my feelings enough?
Are You Still Into Me?
I’m sure that when you think back on the early days of your relationship, you can recognize that experience of emotional and physical tunnel vision, being magnetically drawn to each other and feeling that time was suspended when you were together.
As intoxicating and awesome as those feelings were, they were not the same as experiencing true emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy develops over time as you and your partner learn to balance being separate individuals with maintaining a connection to each other. As you develop a healthy sense of “I” and “we,” you are able to respect and even value your similarities and differences.
While doing couples therapy, I have worked with married couples who have become so disconnected that they live very independent parallel lives in the same home and focus only on their individual worlds. These married couples often describe the relationship as being very lonely and feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
At other times I have had couples that have become so dependent on each other that they have lost a sense of their own individual identity and feel that there is a void in their lives. If your relationship is healthy, you will experience an interdependence that allows you to balance depending on yourself with being vulnerable and depending on your partner.
In marriage counseling, clients often ask what it means to be connected.
I explain that romantic connection involves caring for one another and sharing enjoyable experiences as you would with a friend, but also—and crucially important—is feeling and expressing a desire to be together and nurturing your sensual/sexual relationship. All of these are important dimensions of emotional intimacy.
As a couples therapist I find that once a couple understands how important all of these aspects are, they are able to attend to each aspect individually and experience an overall enhancement of intimacy. When you have a healthy sense of self, you are able to accept your strengths, weaknesses, and imperfections without believing you must change to be loved by your partner or that you must change or “fix” your partner to fit your needs.
When you believe you can be who you really are in your relationship and treat your partner with the same respect, you are able to be vulnerable enough to form a relationship that is emotionally and physically intimate.
The following conversation focuses on nurturing your romantic connection in order to create greater emotional intimacy to build a satisfying sexual relationship.
Couples Therapy Questions To Ask About Personal Preferences
Take turns asking each other the following couple therapy questions:
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How do you define emotional intimacy?
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How comfortable are you being emotionally intimate with me?
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Do you feel like I miss you when we are apart?
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Are you comfortable spending time without me?
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Do I ever make you feel guilty for spending time alone or with your friends?
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Do you think we have enough fun in our relationship?
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Do you feel connected to me even though we are doing things separately?
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Do you think we spend enough time talking about our feelings, hopes, and dreams?
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Do you think I am affectionate and make our sexual relationship a priority?
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Is there anything I can do to improve the emotional intimacy in our relationship?
Do We Have A Ritual?
In couples counseling I explain the importance of rituals. Rituals create a great sense of connection in your relationship, especially when a spouse has a bad day. I’m sure you can think back on early informal rituals, such as spending a few moments together in bed each morning talking, or more formal ones, such as preparing special foods together on the holidays.
Regardless of where, how, and when you celebrated the ritual, you likely found it created a sense of closeness, connection, anticipation, and security in your relationship.
Creating and maintaining rituals allows you to form a deeper sense of shared meaning in your relationship. Just as different cultures have their own traditions, rituals that you share as a couple help to create a unique culture within your relationship. Simple daily and weekly rituals create a natural flow and momentum in your lives; larger annual or seasonal celebratory rituals create a sense of excitement and purpose while helping you both get on the same page.
They help you celebrate joyful events, offer comfort during times of grief or loss, assist in transitioning to new stages on your life path, and create lifelong memories.
Rituals create a sense of connection that we take with us through our day until we meet again to share our evening. When blended families come for a counseling session I stress the need for rituals as the immediately create a deeper connection for all involved. The following conversation focuses on rituals in your families of origin, rituals that you enjoy in your relationship currently, and creating new ones going forward.
Couples Therapy Questions To Ask About Values
Take turns asking each other the following marriage counseling questions:
- Are rituals important to you?
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Did your family value rituals?
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Who was the most active in implementing them?
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Are there any rituals from your childhood that you would like us to implement?
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What were holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations like growing up?
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Of the rituals we have, what are your favorites?
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Do you think it’s important to eat dinner together?
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What do we celebrate?
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Do you think kissing hello, goodbye, and goodnight are important rituals?
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Would you like to have more rituals in our life together?
Conclusion
Congratulations on completing 7 days of marriage counseling questions. As a couples therapist it’s exciting to see a couple start the journey to a happier healthier relationship.
The marriage counseling questions above are what I ask to help reconnect a couple. Past events can create what feels like massive relationship challenges, but in reality, it just takes one partner to spark the journey back to a healthier relationship.
I hope you enjoyed reminiscing and remembering the early days. If you enjoyed connecting over these questions you may discover that couples therapy is exactly what your relationship needs!
No matter if you decide to attend a couple therapy session with an actual licensed marriage counselor or not I encourage you to develop intimacy by attending to each other’s feelings, making time for physical intimacy, finding ways to have fun, and developing sweet rituals while also balancing your own life outside of the relationship!
