Over the years, our culture has showcased various examples of friendship, ranging from the dramatic betrayals depicted in Mean Girls to the close-knit “urban families” portrayed in TV shows like Living Single or Friends.
Each generation brings new models of friendship portrayed in the media, from iconic duos like Lucy and Ethel in I Love Lucy to the camaraderie between Andy and Red in Shawshank Redemption. However, what is emerging today is a different breed, evident in the language we use to describe it.
Today we see a new friendship emerging. These new friendships are often called best friends, soul mates, BFFs, or even “ride or die” partners. They occupy spaces and roles traditionally reserved for spouses or significant others; in some cases, they are even prioritized over spouses or partners. This blog will dive into why this is a toxic friendship and why we are willing to engage in these toxic relationships.
Related Reading: Explore The Various Types Of Friendship
A New Kind of Couple: What is a friendship marriage?
In her book, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, Rebecca Traister describes a deep, healthy friendship between two friends. Although they are not romantically involved, Traister describes their connection is like no other; after all, these two just got each other, and they are true friends.
Rebecca paints the predicament that these good friends find themselves in:
One friend gets a job opportunity in a different state. They both feel devastated and do not think they can survive being apart. After all, they are each other’s emotional support. Acknowledging how hard the move would be on the relationship, the friend who was being left behind made plans to move as well because they were such a central part of each other’s lives.
Similarly, Kathleen Schaefer, in her book Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship, uses romantic language to describe a true friend. She uses terms like “courtship,” “friend dates,” “soulmates,” and “life partners.”
Even in marriage, people can have these close friendships in which they refer to their good friend and not their spouse as their “soulmate.”
The Inevitable Dilemma
If your good friend, rather than your spouse, is considered your soulmate, it raises important questions. When faced with challenges, which relationship would you prioritize? This dynamic affects loyalty in marriage and brings about other notable changes. Using romantic language typically reserved for intimate relationships can blur emotional, spiritual and physical boundaries in friendships, leading to confusion; which all create a toxic friendship.
Related Reading: What Makes A Healthy Friendship
How does social media play a role?
Physical affection plays a significant role in these shifts in these toxic friendships. One participant in the men’s study remarked, “I think most guys in bromances cuddle. . . It’s not a sexual thing, either. It shows you care.”
The popular Instagram hashtag #ibfhug (Internet Best Friend Hug) shows the rise in closeness and physical interaction among friends. These are usually young friends who have connected and bonded online. When they meet in person and “break the distance,” they often document their reunion with videos.
In nearly every video, you’ll see two friends rushing towards each other, hugging tightly, and sometimes even falling to the ground in tears, embracing each other closely.
Social media is playing a significant role in promoting these unique displays of friendship, while film and television are also beginning to portray this deep bond between friends.
Why do we create these marriage type of friendships?
Many people feel tempted to form these toxic friendships that resemble marriages because they believe that marriage alone will bring them satisfaction and fulfillment. While marriage is a wonderful blessing, especially for Christians, it’s essential to remember that it’s not a cure-all. Marriage, established by God is meant to reflect the beauty of the gospel, but it’s not meant to be a savior.
Marriage cannot rescue, redeem, or fully satisfy us in the end. It doesn’t have the ultimate power to save us from feelings of loneliness, emptiness, or a lack of purpose. Trusting that marriage alone can fulfill all our needs is akin to worshipping an idol; and quite frankly is why so many couples get divorced in the end.
Related Reading: Dispelling The Myth Of Loneliness
Marriage, much like friendship, doesn’t guarantee fulfillment. Yet, some still cling to the idea that marriage will bring ultimate satisfaction. When dreams of marriage don’t materialize, some singles settle for these exclusive toxic friendships, thinking, “I’ve finally found someone who understands me, my best friend.”
Unfortunately, even within Christianity, there’s a growing movement that sees nothing amiss with this relationship (some of you reading this article will wonder what’s wrong with this relationship and why am I calling it a toxic friendship). It seems that society is advocating for the acceptance of committed friendships.
Wesley Hill, in his book Spiritual Friendship, expressed it like this: If marriage allows couples to build lasting faithfulness and the close bond of a shared past… then I require a single life that provides me with a similar chance (enter a good friend).
Although these friendships may fulfill the desire for companionship among single individuals, it deviates from what a friendship entails. These friendships are false form of friendship that distract us from relying on our God to fulfill all our needs. While friendships and community are important, they should never mimic marriage.
Does this mean friendships should not have the special closeness that marriage brings? YES. However, marriage isn’t where true joy lies. It can’t completely fulfill our longing for connection. Marriage is just a glimpse; true fulfillment comes from being united with Christ. Only union with Christ can satisfy the soul’s deepest thirst.
Should my friend be “my person”?
The friendship between Meredith and Cristina on the TV show Grey’s Anatomy had a significant impact on how friendship is portrayed. They popularized the phrase “You’re my person,” which has since become well-known and often used to describe a deep bond between friends.
What does it mean to have someone as your person? According to various sources and its portrayal in the show, “your person” isn’t just your best friend; they’re everything to you.
Many people are searching for their person, not necessarily in marriage but in friendship. Apps like Bumble, originally for dating, now have a friend-finding version called Bumble BFF. On these apps, you’ll see profiles saying things like “Looking for the Meredith to my Cristina.”
Is it acceptable for a friend to be more than a friend? Is it appropriate for a friend to be your person? In my opinion, the answer is a definite no.
Marriage is the only human relationship marked by exclusivity and binding commitment. No other human relationship is described as “one flesh” or entails a sense of ownership where one belongs to the other. Lifelong commitment is unique to marriage and not found in any other relationship.
While having exceptionally close friends is valuable, treating a friendship as if it were united as one entity, like marriage, is not appropriate. The weight, exclusivity, and ownership that belong to a marriage should not be applied to friendships.
Creating friendships that mimic and challenge the sanctity of marriage undermines the institution itself. By doing so, we defy the intended purpose for marriage and risk compromising its sacred truths. This behavior can also jeopardize future marriage commitments. Do you see the dilemma?
If you’ve already formed a covenantal bond with your best friend, it can create challenges when trying to enter into a covenant with a spouse. The exclusivity of your friendships may compete with the commitments of newly formed marriages.
To clarify, this type of toxic friendship can also jeopardize marriage even after you’ve tied the knot. When there are unresolved issues or dissatisfaction in a marriage, it may be tempting to seek fulfillment from a best friend instead of addressing the issues within the marriage.
What are the signs of a mimicking marriage?
How can we recognize a toxic friendship that might be imitating marriage? There are typically five signs to watch out for: exclusivity, jealousy, romantic talk, longing for physical closeness, and unclear boundaries.
Before we delve into these signs, it’s important to acknowledge that there could be other reasons for experiencing these symptoms. For instance, some people may use romantic language in friendships simply because it’s what they’ve seen in society, or they may not realize it’s inappropriate for friendship.
Occasionally, an exclusive friendship between two individuals may develop due to specific circumstances, such as serving together, working together etc. Additionally, some individuals naturally express more physical affection than others. These instances are not necessarily indicative of a toxic friendship. However, if most or all of the symptoms mentioned below are present in a friendship, it warrants concern. What are signs of a toxic best friend?
These toxic friendships practice EXCLUSIVITY
Exclusivity occurs when two friends isolate themselves from others and resist including others in their friendship circle. This may be evident through language and labels like “we’re each other’s best friends” or implying that others wouldn’t understand.
At times, exclusivity can be expressed through activities, such as frequently arranging private hangouts without including others or keeping secrets exclusively between friends. When your BFF is the sole keeper of your secrets, it reinforces a special bond and ensures their presence in your life.
These toxic friendships have JEALOUSY
Jealousy often stems from a sense of ownership. In marriage, there’s a natural possessiveness where spouses belong to each other. However, this isn’t about envy, which involves desiring what others possess.
Jealousy arises from an inability to tolerate rivals. For instance, I won’t tolerate any woman trying to win my husband’s romantic affection because he’s mine, not anyone else’s. Jealousy is the inability to accept anything or anyone that threatens what rightfully belongs to you. However, unlike in marriage, we don’t own our friends; they don’t belong to us.
When we feel jealous of a friend, generally speaking, it’s a warning sign; it’s toxic behavior. Jealousy shows up when we get upset because someone else is spending time with our friend or forming new relationships with other friends or potential partners.
Sometimes it’s not other people but activities that rival our friendship. These could be things like volunteering, sports, or hobbies that seem to take away the time we feel belongs exclusively to us and our friends.
The toxic friendship uses ROMANTIC LANGUAGE to describe each other
Romantic language is often used in exclusive relationships like marriage. Therefore, it’s not uncommon for an exclusive friendship to also use such language. However, this is typically more of an issue in female friendships, as it’s more culturally accepted.
The use of romantic language isn’t limited to female friendships anymore; it’s also seen in male friendships, as indicated by the term “bromance.” Romantic language includes compliments about physical appearance (“You look amazing.” “You have a great body.”), expressions of affection (“I love you endlessly.” “You’re my soulmate.” “You complete me.”), assertions of ownership (“She’s mine.” “He’s my best friend, you can’t have him.”), and statements of dependence (“I couldn’t imagine life without you.” “I need you more than you know.”).
It’s a toxic friendship when there are no BOUNDARIES
When friends start to act as if they’re one unit, it often indicates a lack of boundaries. In marriage, many boundaries are blurred or erased altogether: couples merge their homes, bank accounts, and sometimes even their names.
When a friendship starts to blur the lines between individuals, making it hard to distinguish one from the other, it’s an unhealthy dynamic. While it’s typical for some friends to have more access to you than others, erasing boundary lines altogether is not healthy.
In my life, there are a few people I’ve built trust and camaraderie with over many years. We’ve granted each other deeper access into our lives. These are the folks who drop by unannounced, raid my pantry for snacks, invite themselves over, and shamelessly ask for favors.
Even in my closest friendships, we respect each other’s individuality and recognize that our primary loyalty is to God.
While we’ve occasionally shared beds during travel and changed in the same room, we still maintain modesty, recognizing that our bodies belong to God and our spouses. Erasing all boundaries and modesty in the name of best friendship shifts the focus away from intimacy with God or our spouse to intimacy solely with each other.
Related Reading: Why do we need boundaries in friendships?
A toxic friendship craves PHYSICAL CONNECTION
Craving physical connection is distinct from simply being physically affectionate. Physical touch can be positive, such as giving hugs, walking arm in arm, holding hands while praying, or offering comfort with a back rub during times of grief.
Physical touch is indeed important in healthy relationships. However, when exclusivity dominates a friendship, touch may no longer be an expression of care but rather a necessity to feel connected. When the desire for physical closeness becomes detached from emotional connection, it’s a warning sign.
How can you know if this is an issue? If you find yourself constantly needing physical contact with your friend, frequently cuddling, giving back rubs, or feeling the urge to hide your closeness from others, it’s a sign that something might be wrong.
In healthy friendships, physical affection is a way to show care for the other person, given freely without obligation. However, in toxic friendships, physical affection is used to fulfill your own need for closeness and care, becoming necessary and sometimes demanding.
Related Reading: How To Breakup With A Friend
