Ever felt the sting of loneliness? Or have you been stuck in a friendship that feels worse than being alone? We’ve all been there. But how do we find those healthy friendships that lift us up instead of bringing us down?
Think about it: Is a good friendship something you just know when you see it, Or can we break it down into smaller pieces to figure out what we really need?
That’s what we’re here to explore. Let’s unravel the mystery of healthy friendships together.
Do we need friendships?
Relational-cultural theory emerged in the 1970s from female theorists and clinicians who were fed up with the traditional psychological model advocating self-reliance over interdependence. After many decades, research has confirmed what these theorists argued: that we require connection as much as we need food and water.
Our bodies are naturally equipped to cope with stress, trauma, and pain when we have the presence of someone who knows and loves us. This connection has a profound impact on our brains, providing protection even in the most difficult times. Contrary to the belief held until the middle of the 20th century, interdependence, rather than independence, is considered foundational to mental health.
What is a healthy friendship based on?
Given the importance of making friends and the challenges involved, along with our limited time, energy, and cognitive capacity to manage all our relationships effectively, how can we evaluate or prioritize our friendships? Better yet, how do we know if it’s a healthy friendship or a toxic friendship?
Dr. Jean Baker Miller, one of the founders of relational-cultural therapy, introduced a simple model for how to have a growth-fostering relationship that is still utilized today, known as the “five good things in practice.” These elements outline the characteristics of a good friendship
Let’s explore what these elements entail.
- Both individuals experience a heightened sense of energy and enthusiasm. A positive relationship leaves us feeling invigorated. Even for introverts who typically need time alone to recharge, meaningful connections provide more nourishment than depletion. These are the relationships that ignite our vitality.
- Both individuals feel empowered to take action, and they do. A strong relationship serves as a safe foundation that enables us to take bolder steps than we would alone. Our closest friends act as our supporters and advocates, highlighting our strengths and qualities that we might overlook in ourselves.
- Both individuals gain a clearer understanding of themselves and each other. In a growth-fostering relationship, we develop compassion and openness to improvement. We recognize our own worthiness of love, our capacity to love others, and our potential for ongoing personal growth and development.
- Both individuals experience an enhanced sense of worth. Many struggle to recognize their intrinsic value, influenced by societal norms. However, growth-fostering relationships serve as mirrors, reflecting back our inherent value, which strengthens our belief in ourselves.
- Both individuals experience an increased connection to each other and are motivated to cultivate connections with others beyond their relationship. Positive relationships not only strengthen the bond between individuals but also inspire a desire for more meaningful connections with others. As we realize the value of nurturing relationships, we become more open to seeking out and cherishing new connections.
Alright, great! But how do we reach that point? Or how can we know if we’re moving in the right direction?
What are the characteristics of healthy friends?
In his book “Attached,” Amir Levine introduced an acronym called CARRP to help assess if a relationship is secure. However, he advises that relationships vary and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
In every relationship, perfection in all areas isn’t necessary. However, using CARRP can help identify the strengths and limitations of each relationship. If you find someone who fits all the aspects of CARRP, they’re definitely a great friend worth keeping.
Consistency.
Consistency is key in healthy friendships. Do they stick around or vanish without a good reason? It’s normal if they’re busy with specific life events, like exams or work deadlines. But do they keep their commitments, like your regular hiking plans? Do they check in with you as often as you do with them? Or are they only around when they’re bored and disappear when they find something else to do.
Availability.
Availability is closely linked to consistency but also involves what you anticipate from healthy friendships. While someone might not be intentionally avoiding you, they could genuinely have a packed schedule or prefer quiet time alone as an introvert, opting to recharge rather than attend social events.
Availability also raises the question of commitment during tough times. While someone may not be available for spontaneous hangouts, they should prioritize being there for you when things get tough. For example, even if I have a busy schedule, I make sure to clear it and be present when a friend needs me most.
Reliability.
Reliability is another crucial aspect, especially when the chips are down. It’s about counting on someone to follow through on their commitments and promises, especially during challenging times.
Can you count on them if you need something? Even if you do not see this person or talk to them for long periods, can you still text or call them today and say, “On March 19th, can you meet me in Santa Monica and bring 37 folding chairs, six floaties, a whistle, and a kitten?”
If the answer is yes, this can be a healthy friendship!
Dr. Levine advises testing new acquaintances in this aspect by giving them a low-risk task so you can gauge their reliability. It’s like asking them to bring ice to a party before you rely on them for something more significant, like rescuing a kitten and driving it to Santa Monica. If they handle the ice task well, they might be someone you can trust to bail you out of jail in a pinch.
Responsiveness.
Responsiveness is crucial because it gives context to the first three aspects. If someone consistently responds, especially when it’s important, that’s a strong sign of a good friend. For example, my best friend and I might not reply to every silly meme we send, but if it’s something significant, we’re there for each other.
And when we communicate that something is important, they listen. When you share details of your life, do your good friends show that they are truly hearing you, not just listening? Do they pay attention to your needs and concerns, not just their own?
Predictability.
Assessing our friendship with someone becomes simpler when we have a sense of how they will behave in different situations, which often relates to the factors we discussed earlier. Do they follow through on their commitments? Do they offer kindness and support while also gently encouraging you to move forward instead of wallowing in self-pity for extended periods? Those are the friends you want to keep close.
Conclusion
Many of us struggle with choosing friends and partners, hoping for a simple formula to guide us. Unfortunately, such an equation doesn’t exist, making the process challenging for everyone.
Even with frameworks like CARRP or the 5 Good Things, there’s no magic scale for rating healthy friendships. However, they provide a helpful framework for evaluating the level of investment you want to put into a relationship.
Having a method for figuring out if someone is worth investing in and to what extent they can be valuable, whether you tend to jump in too quickly and get taken advantage of or if you’ve had a troubled history with people and struggle to trust anyone.
