Self-esteem can be defined as the overall abstract, confident assessment of one’s own value. It encompasses both the judgment of oneself and the mental attitude toward one’s own worth.
What is the cause of low self-esteem?
When teachers, guardians, and others criticize a child more than they praise, low self-esteem results. When children only hear all the things they are doing wrong, self-doubt results, which not only causes low self-esteem but also discourages them from trying new things (a common method psychologists use when building self-esteem).
Many individuals with low self-esteem have been subjected to criticism repeatedly over their lifetimes, leading it to become deeply ingrained in their minds and shaping their self-perception. Eventually, the voices they heard from others becomes the words they echo in their heads (negative self talk).
These internalized messages shape how these individuals speak to themselves and significantly impact their self-perception. That’s why individuals with low self-esteem tend to speak harshly about themselves; they echo the negative messages they’ve absorbed over time.
What does high self-esteem look like?
Most people with high self-esteem often have achievements like good grades, dream jobs, or stable positive relationships, which contribute to their confidence. Their accomplishments boost their sense of self-worth.
However, this kind of self-confidence is so conditional that it can be debilitating. If we experience failure, it can lead to long-lasting negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves.
Mental health expert Albert Ellis emphasized this issue with self confidence, stating, “Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional.”
Psychologists Richard M. Ryan and Edward L. Deci shed light on a type of self-esteem that isn’t so reliant on external factors, such as achievements. Let’s delve into their findings.
What is healthy self-esteem?
We know we don’t want overly high self-esteem or self esteem issues. So, the question arises: Is it possible to achieve healthy self-esteem without relying solely on external factors like success or the approval of others?
This healthy form of self-esteem is called non-contingent self-esteem, meaning it’s not dependent on outcomes or external factors. In contrast, the other type is called contingent or conditional self-esteem.
People with contingent self-esteem believe their worth depends on meeting specific standards and goals to gain approval from others. Their primary focus is on questions of worth and esteem.
In contrast, those with non-contingent self-esteem tend to have goals and standards they aim to achieve, but their sense of worth or value isn’t tied to meeting these criteria. They have a less inward focus and are not preoccupied with thoughts about whether they are “good enough” or not.
Instead of trying to boost their self-worth through internal validation, individuals with healthy (non-contingent) self-esteem focus on actions and behaviors that fulfill their basic needs. They are less concerned with thoughts about their value and instead invest their energy in relationships, tasks, and projects.
In Ryan’s words, “Healthy self-esteem is not about judging one’s worth as a whole.” If you have healthy self-esteem, you can fail at something without it negatively impacting your sense of worth.
At the same time, succeeding at something doesn’t lead to an inflated ego, either. With non-contingent self-esteem, you don’t need to achieve big or small successes to feel good about yourself. The question is, how do you get this type of self-esteem?
How do you fix low self-esteem?
Self-help gurus may tell you that the way to achieve higher self-esteem is to focus on positive self-talk and avoid negative thinking. However, here are 3 scientifically proven ways to build self-esteem:
1. Create Worthwhile Goals
Tal Ben-Shahar, from Harvard University, studied happiness and found that happy people have goals. These goals give them meaning when achieved and involve enjoyable tasks and activities along the way.
Meaningful goals revolve around relationships, personal growth, and are chosen autonomously. This means we pursue these goals because we genuinely want to, not to please others or meet societal expectations of success. By prioritizing these types of goals, we can cultivate a healthy self-esteem as a natural outcome.
Sonja Lyubomirsky, a mental health researcher, has discovered that happy people share these two traits. Her research shows that individuals who pursue meaningful goals, such as learning new skills, raising children with strong values, or pursuing creative endeavors like writing music or exploring new places, tend to be much happier than those who lack such aspirations.
She says: “Find a happy person, and you will find a project.” So, what is your project or goal?
Lyubomirsky, similar to Shahar, stresses the significance of enjoying the journey toward achieving our goals. If we don’t find joy in at least some aspects of the effort required to reach our goals, our overall happiness is likely to be diminished.
Lyubomirsky suggests that pursuing a meaningful life goal is one of the most crucial strategies for achieving lasting happiness. Notice the choice of word there: She says ‘working toward,’ not ‘achieving.’ It is only by selecting goals that we enjoy working toward that we can feel genuinely satisfied.
Also, then it is not a disaster for our well-being or self-esteem if we “fail” to reach the goal. It also means that having a goal but not taking any action toward it will not positively affect your well-being. Interestingly, none of the research on happiness emphasizes self-esteem. Instead, similar to self-esteem, the conclusion is that actions play a significant role in leading to happiness.
Happy people didn’t just sit around thinking themselves happy. Instead, their happiness, and to some extent their mindset, came from their behavior and actions, although our outlook on life can also affect our happiness. Lyubomirsky says that if we are not happy today, we will not be happy tomorrow either unless we take action.
Lyubomirsky has conducted several studies on actions that make us happier. Here are a few examples:
- Expressing gratitude
- Carrying out acts of kindness
- Nurturing social relationships
- Learning to forgive
- Physical activity
- Committing to your goals
The increased sense of well-being comes instead as a result of the activities.
2. Learn How To Use Self-Compassion
Even with all this knowledge, it’s natural to have negative thoughts about yourself or your worth from time to time. If changing negative thoughts into positive ones isn’t the answer, then what is? Our internal dialogue is constant, and we can’t always escape it by staying busy. And we shouldn’t necessarily try to escape it either.
Activities are just one part of the equation; their main purpose is to bring us joy rather than merely distract us from pain. The answer lies in self-acceptance and self-compassion, also known as self-kindness.
Research by Kristin Neff at the University of Texas has shown that self-compassion is crucial, with better effects than traditional self-esteem-boosting advice. Neff emphasizes that showing compassion to oneself is similar to showing compassion to others.
Neff says that a direct way of adjusting our self-talk when having negative thoughts about ourselves is to think about how we would act and what we would say if a close friend were having a hostile conversation with themselves. In most cases, we would be kind and compassionate towards them, right?
Here is the Golden Rule when talking to ourselves: When it comes to self-talk, think of it as “talk to yourself like you would talk to others.”
To prevent confusion and mistakes, Neff also points out what self-compassion isn’t.
Self-compassion is not self-pity. Self-pity is egocentric and inwardly focused, which is not good for our self-esteem. Secondly, self-compassion is not self-indulgence. So, over-eating because I’m feeling down is not an example of self-compassion. Thirdly, and most importantly, self-compassion is not self-esteem.
Self-compassionate self-talk is not centered around focusing on your talents or abilities, positive affirmations, comparing yourself with others to feel better, or self-evaluation, i.e., reflecting on your value.
3. Learn How To Use Self-Control
Self-control, also known as self-discipline or willpower, is a finite resource, according to research by Baumeister. Like a muscle, it can be depleted but also strengthened through practice. Effective strategies involve managing our willpower wisely.
Willpower is strongly correlated with success and happiness because it enables us to overcome immediate temptations and distractions to pursue long-term goals.
By exercising self-control, we can make better decisions, stay focused on our objectives, and resist impulses derailing our progress. This ability to delay gratification and prioritize tasks leads to greater productivity, achievement, and, ultimately, satisfaction with our lives.
Hence, self-control, or willpower, makes sense. People with high willpower – or, more accurately, who have spent time and energy increasing their willpower and learned how to manage it optimally- are good at directing their attention away from negative thoughts to more productive ones. These thoughts lead to actions that lead to achieving their goals, bringing them meaning, pleasure, and joy, and aligning with their core values.
For example, a person with a high level of self-control will be more likely to keep their promises, do the things they want to get done, and engage in activities they enjoy.
Baumeister suggests that since our willpower is limited, the trick to success and happiness is to use it wisely. This means using your finite source of willpower to establish habits and behaviors that can run automatically, even when you don’t feel like doing them.
There are several ways to strengthen your willpower, but three main components include:
- Get enough sleep
- Eat healthy food
- Engage in physical activity
Once more, it’s important to note that none of these methods rely on simply thinking yourself stronger. While fascinating research suggests mental exercises can build muscles, the most effective way remains to hit the gym and engage in activities that promote muscle growth. The same principle applies to building willpower.
Don’t think yourself stronger, work yourself stronger.
Comprehending that our self-esteem is intimately attached to our actions and behavior, it is straightforward to see how willpower is an important piece of the puzzle.
That said, if you want to feel good, get things done, and generally have a happier and more satisfying life, Baumeister recommends building your willpower.
Conclusion
In conclusion, self-esteem refers to assessing and determining our value. While it’s common for individuals with lower self-esteem to struggle with negative thinking patterns due to past mistakes, criticism and societal pressures, there are effective strategies for cultivating a healthier sense of self-worth.
Research suggests that traditional approaches to improve your self-esteem may be limited, as they often rely on external validation and achievement. Instead, fostering non-contingent self-esteem, which is not dependent solely on external factors, is key.
You can influence self-esteem by developing willpower or self-control, setting and striving after solid goals (ones that give us meaning), and using self-compassion. Over time, focusing on these 3 areas will improve your self-esteem.