Do you sometimes feel like your thoughts are racing, or that you are your own worst critic? These feelings are quite common. But, even if you don’t feel this way chances are you talk to yourself. We all do.
Talking to yourself is also know as self-talk. It is the ingrained patterns of thoughts that we run through our heads, often unconsciously, day in and day out. It is the way we talk to ourselves about ourselves. For most of us, it’s a habit we’ve probably never consciously thought about before.
What is self talk?
Have you ever stopped to listen to your inner voice? That’s your self-talk, it’s this constant chatter that shapes your perception of yourself and the world around you. Whether you realize it or not, your self-talk plays a crucial role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Self-talk is something we all experience. As I write this blog, I engage in it constantly. Negative thoughts like ‘I didn’t get enough writing done today’ or ‘I should have started earlier’ run through my mind. It’s likely you have similar negative thinking when tackling your day.
In this guide, we’ll explore the power of self-talk and how you can trade in your inner critic for some positive self-talk. Get ready to turn negative self talk and overcome negative thinking to unlock your full potential! Together, we’ll learn how to better deal with negative self talk.
What are the different types of self-talk?
Do you find that your self-talk tends to be more negative, positive, or neutral? While negative and positive thinking is commonly known, neutral thinking might be a new concept for you. Let’s delve into examples of each:
Examples Of Positive Self Talk:
I am a good person
My body is beautiful
I crushed it during my work presentation today
Examples Of Negative Self Talk:
I am not good enough
I really need to lose 5 pounds
I won’t do well during my presentation tomorrow
Examples of Neutral Self Talk:
I am a human
I weigh 150 pounds
I have spent 2 hours preparing for my presentation tomorrow
What Is Neutral Thinking?
Neutral thinking examples might seem unfamiliar. They’re just plain facts, and two of them can be measured with numbers. When we engage in self-talk, we usually use judgmental language, whether it’s positive or negative self-judgment.
Our brains are wired to process facts without needing to articulate them internally. When we engage in self-talk, it’s often about processing our emotions and feelings, whether it’s about our weight, work performance, or self-worth in general.
Can you think of the different things that you’ve said to yourself about yourself recently?
Self Talk is the Story We Tell Ourselves
As a writer, I’m deeply intrigued by the influence narratives have on people. Storytelling is fundamental to human existence—it’s how we communicate, preserve culture, teach lessons, and make sense of the world.
Storytelling helps us navigate the chaos, coincidences, and surprises in our lives. Each of us is the protagonist of our own story, shaping our past, envisioning our future, and defining our present self through the narratives we create.
For instance, you might narrate your experience of graduating from a college with a less-than-stellar reputation, attributing your struggle to find your first job to this factor. Alternatively, your narrative might emphasize how attending a college with a poor reputation motivated you to work harder and showcase your skills, turning it into an advantage rather than a setback.
Regardless, the underlying fact remains the same regarding your college graduation. It’s the narrative you construct around it that gives it meaning in your life.
How Negative Self-Talk Affects Our Mental Health
These narratives and judgments you create about the future have an impact on you in the present moment, influencing your approach to life as a whole.
In the present moment, our self-talk can resemble a sports announcer narrating our every move. Unlike in a soccer match or baseball game, where players can’t hear the commentary on their actions, our inner dialogue directly impacts us. Imagine if athletes could hear the sportscaster’s critiques as they played: “Ouch, what a bad pass that was,” or, “He steps up to the plate with a low batting average this season. The odds are against him for getting this hit.” It would undoubtedly alter their performance!
Indeed, our self-talk often mirrors this pattern: a continuous (and sometimes unfriendly) commentary on our past errors in similar situations, recent mistakes, doubts about our chances of success, and negative assessments of our overall performance.
Trying to perform while ignoring this constant chatter is akin to being on a baseball diamond and having to block out a loudspeaker broadcasting your actions to thousands. Even though we’re the only ones who can hear our negative self-talk, tuning it out is no easy feat.
Regardless of whether you’re reflecting on the past, envisioning the future, or navigating the present, you’re constantly crafting narratives through your self-talk. These narratives aren’t innocuous; they profoundly influence your worldview and how you approach life. The more you repeat these stories to yourself, the more they solidify as truths in your mind, regardless of their accuracy. What’s more, you may not even be conscious of this process!
That’s precisely why I’m here—to equip you with the tools to recognize and harness your self-talk, empowering you to shape a more positive narrative about yourself and your life. With healthy self-talk, you can reinterpret past experiences, gain deeper insight into your current self, and take proactive steps toward realizing your future aspirations.
Tapping into and transforming your negative self-talk can be incredibly empowering, as you’re about to discover. Now that you have a clearer grasp of how self-talk shapes our personal narratives let’s explore and reframe seven common types of negative self-talk.
What are the different types of negative self-talk?
Understanding the various forms of negative self-talk is crucial in our quest to improve our inner dialogue and overall well-being. By identifying these patterns, we can begin to challenge and reframe them, paving the way for a more positive mindset and healthier self-image.
Let’s delve into the seven types of negative self-talk and equip ourselves with the tools to transform them into sources of empowerment and growth.
Filtering
Filtering is a cognitive distortion that often colors our perception of reality, leading us to focus disproportionately on the negative aspects of a situation while minimizing or disregarding the positive.
It’s akin to viewing the world through a narrow lens, where even amidst a multitude of compliments or successes, we fixate solely on the one criticism or failure. This tendency can significantly impact our self-esteem and overall outlook on life, overshadowing moments of achievement and contentment with undue negativity.
Recognizing and challenging this pattern of filtering is essential in cultivating a more balanced and constructive mindset. Indeed, our brains have evolved to prioritize negative information as a survival mechanism. In ancestral times, remembering potential threats or dangers was crucial for ensuring survival in hostile environments. For example, recalling the location of a dangerous encounter with a predator could prevent future harm and increase the chances of survival.
This innate tendency to focus on negatives served our ancestors well in navigating treacherous landscapes, but in modern times, it can contribute to excessive worry, anxiety, and pessimism. Understanding this evolutionary aspect of our cognitive processes can offer insights into why we tend to dwell on negative experiences and how we can work to mitigate their impact on our mental well-being.
Today, though, remembering and going over and over in our head the insults lobbed at us does little to help us lead better lives. Example of Filtering: “Even though everyone said they loved my haircut, Jen said it was ‘interesting.’ Everyone else must be wrong, and only Jen is telling me the truth that my new haircut looks bad.”
Catastrophizing
Do you ever notice yourself getting caught in a “thought spiral”? It’s when one bad thing happens, and suddenly, it triggers a chain reaction of negative thoughts about everything that’s wrong in your life. This is what we call catastrophizing. It’s when a minor setback makes you feel like everything is falling apart or you magnify the significance of that one setback.
Example of Catastrophizing: “I was late to work this morning. I probably looked disheveled when I walked in. Everyone probably thinks I’m a screw-up. I probably won’t get that promotion now. And I have to go to the happy hour after work, and I’m always bad at socializing. And if it goes late, I’ll be tired again tonight. I don’t perform well when I’m tired, just like that huge history exam in high school that I bombed. I’ll probably oversleep again tomorrow. I can’t do anything right.”
Personalizing
There is one main difference between optimists and pessimists. Optimists distance themselves from thinking about the negative things in life as a personal attack on them and easily embrace what is positive in life.
Pessimists often explain away positive events as random luck. They also see worst-case scenarios as typical and believe they attract negativity from the universe. Personalizing means seeing external events as reflections of yourself, even if they’re not. So when bad things happen, a pessimist, or someone using this negative thinking tactic, will find a way to blame themselves or think they caused it.
Internalizing, or personalizing, involves taking external events too personally. For instance: “Jim said the party seemed ‘quiet,’ he probably meant that no one fun was there, even though I was. He thinks I’m not fun to hang out with.”
Polarizing
In polarization, things are seen as either all good or all bad, with no middle ground. This type of thinking often accompanies perfectionism. If something isn’t absolutely perfect, it’s seen as a complete failure.
This type of thinking can be harmful because even in negative situations, there’s often something positive to be found. Similarly, in positive situations, there may still be lessons to be learned. Recognizing both the good and bad aspects of situations is a more balanced and productive approach to life and self-talk.
Example of Polarizing: “I had one of my slowest runs this week, so my whole week of workouts was a wash. Why can’t I get better and faster?”
Rehashing
Rehashing, also called ruminating or dwelling, involves repeatedly thinking about past events in a negative and unproductive way. Your thoughts might circle back to past situations, pondering how things could have been different if only you had made different choices.
Often, rehashing can be linked to feelings of guilt or shame about past events, which can impact our self-esteem in the present.
Example of Rehashing: “If I just hadn’t stayed late at the office that one night, my wife would have changed her mind about the divorce.”
Rehearsing
Rehearsing is like the other side of the coin from rehashing. It’s when you think about the future but in a repetitive and unhelpful way. This kind of self-talk often occurs when we’re anxious about an upcoming event or uncertain about what lies ahead.
We might find ourselves endlessly replaying imaginary conversations in our minds, envisioning various reactions to our work, or meticulously planning every detail of an upcoming date. While it’s important to prepare for the future, excessive rehearsing can become counterproductive.
Indeed, while some level of future planning is necessary and beneficial, excessive preoccupation with future events can divert our attention from the present moment, where we can actively take steps to prepare for what lies ahead.
Example of Rehearsing: “When everyone challenges my idea during the meeting, I’ll make sure to bring up the failed team project from last year. I’ll say…”
Blaming
Blaming is the final type of negative self-talk, and it can perpetuate a harmful cycle of negativity. It occurs when we assign responsibility for someone else’s or our own pain to ourselves, leading to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
Example of Blaming: “Olivia wasn’t having a good day, and I wasn’t able to make her laugh. I’m a terrible friend.”
Exercise: Which Type of Self Talk Do You Recognize?
Understanding the various forms of negative self-talk is crucial in improving our inner dialogue and mental health. By identifying these patterns, we can challenge and reframe them, paving the way for more positive self talk and a healthier self-image. Let’s delve into the seven types of negative self-talk and equip ourselves with the tools to transform them into sources of empowerment and growth.
How To Stop Negative Self-Talk
Rerouting your negative thoughts will be a slow process, much like building any habit. Initially, it may be challenging to remember to step outside of your thoughts and assess them. With these steps however you can transform your self talk.
1. Awareness
The initial step in transforming your self-talk is to become aware of it. While it may sound simple, it can actually be quite challenging when we’re engulfed in a whirlwind of self-criticism, self-doubt, and other negative tendencies that have become so ingrained that we may not even recognize them.
For this exercise, consider using Post-it notes or setting up reminders on your phone to help you check in with yourself daily.
You can place the post-it notes in locations around your house where you’re likely to see them, such as your bathroom mirror, computer monitor, or the visor of your car. Alternatively, set up reminders on your phone to ping you several times per day to practice your new habit of positive self-talk.
2. Create Distance Between You & your thoughts
Once you can recognize your thoughts, you also start to gain some space and perspective on them. Even just a bit of distance from your negative thoughts, even if it doesn’t seem like much, can have a significant impact. Having some room to breathe from overwhelming thoughts makes them less potent.
Recognizing and being aware means acknowledging your negative thoughts when they arise. When you identify a negative thought, you can give it a label, but for now, you can use phrases like these or something similar if you find them helpful:
I recognize that this is a moment of negativity
This is stress
This is uncertainty
This hurts
This is a negative thought
3. Remember Your Mood
It’s worth reiterating how your mood influences your self-talk. When you’re feeling down, you’re more likely to believe your negative self-talk and let it guide your actions. Conversely, when you’re feeling happy and positive, it’s easier to brush off negative thoughts and focus on the good. So, being aware of your thoughts also means being aware of your mood. Recognize what mood you’re in and how it may be impacting your thoughts.
4. Change Comes Next
Once you’ve mastered the art of recognizing your negative self-talk, the next step is to change those thoughts. However, you can’t change them if you can’t first identify them, so take your time and don’t rush the process. Once you feel comfortable identifying your thoughts, then you can begin the process of change.
Exercise: Writing Down Self Talk
To rewrite negative self-talk, make an effort to jot down a few phrases you use as you notice them throughout the day. Try to capture the exact language and phrasing you use with yourself. It might be challenging initially, as these thoughts are deeply ingrained.
