Indeed, over the past two decades, substantial research has emerged underscoring the significance of friendship in a person’s health, well-being, and happiness. Reflecting on it, the importance becomes evident! There’s a profound satisfaction in engaging in a meaningful conversation or reconnecting effortlessly with an old friend, even after years of being apart.
Isn’t it great to laugh until your sides ache over inside jokes or embarrassing stories with someone who shares your sense of humor? It feels amazing, and it’s also good for your health! Research shows that friendships and emotional connections can lower the risk of mortality, shorten the duration of physical and mental illnesses, and might even help release endorphins, which make you feel good.
Friends offer more than just emotional and social support; historically, they’ve provided protection, practical assistance, and even economic aid. Although friendship can exist within family or romantic relationships, it’s crucial to distinguish between a friend and a family member or romantic partner.
For purposes of this blog, we will define a friend as someone with whom there’s emotional closeness and mutual giving and taking. Unlike kinship friendships, nonfamilial friendships are voluntary and can terminate at any time, requiring more effort to establish and sustain. To illustrate the contrast, let’s explore various types of friendships.
What Are Three Types Of Friendship?
Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher, is often consulted when pondering these big questions. His ideas, found in books like the Nicomachean Ethics, have stood the test of time and continue to influence people’s understanding of living a fulfilling life.
Aristotle dedicates two of his ten books in the Nicomachean Ethics to the topic of friendship, highlighting its importance in achieving the “good life.” According to Aristotle, friendship thrives when there is mutual benefit between individuals. He identifies three main motivations for love and friendship: utility, pleasure, and goodness. Let’s explore each of these motivations and how they relate to our own lives.
- Friendships of Utility
- Friendships of Pleasure
- Friendships of Virtue
While this blog will incorporate modern concepts and terminology about friendships, they all neatly align with Aristotle’s original categories.
Friendships of Utility
Friendships of utility are the friendships that have developed as a functional tool of mutual benefit. Friendships of utility are like having that coworker who’s got your back. You both work efficiently together, covering for each other with the boss while also sharing jokes, music preferences, and lunch choices. However, they might not be the person you turn to when discussing a family argument.
Friendships of Pleasure
Friendships of pleasure are friendships that are based on sharing an interest. These could be your buddies from your table-top gaming group or your running club. You hang out because you share the same hobby or interest that you can enjoy together. But they might not be the first people you call when you’re in trouble, although they might pitch in to help you out when needed, like if you break your leg.
Friendships of Virtue
Friendship of virtue is the term that Aristotle used to describe the deep and meaningful appreciation of someone. These are the people who meet all of Dr. Hruschka’s requirements for a close relationship. Regardless of how the relationship started, perhaps as a friendship of utility or pleasure, we have chosen to keep investing in it as it grows into something more profound and enduring.
These categorizations are quite limited, and there’s a lot of gray area in between. There’s no way to neatly classify all the different nuances, like the “person I’ve been hanging out with more and can talk to about kid stuff but not really about partner stuff, I don’t think.” I don’t mean (and I don’t think Aristotle meant) for these categories to be the definitive way of defining our chosen platonic relationships.
Life is more wibbly-wobbly than that and includes the “friend from school that I’ve been hanging out with more, and I can definitely talk to them about kid stuff, but maybe not partner stuff yet.” But it is helpful to think about this relational continuum as we are thinking about best supporting healthy relationships in our lives.
What Are Casual Friends Or Acquaintances?
What Aristotle called friends of utility or pleasure, we tend to call acquaintances and what researchers call weak ties. It is not a great word, but it is the one coined by Stanford sociologist Mark Granovetter in 1973 as a catch-all for the other people in our orbit with whom we have some familiarity.
He meant it as the counterbalance to our strong ties, Aristotle’s friendships of virtue. Our acquaintance friends, such as the person we work out with at the gym a few times a week (friendships of pleasure) or the barista who knows our order and asks about our cat every time we see them (friendships of utility).
These acquaintanceships are also incredibly important for combating loneliness. We may not even know the barista’s name, but we know they also have a cat and are going back to school to study engineering this fall. Chatting for a couple of minutes is a nice part of both of your days. Engaging with people in this manner helps us feel part of our community.
There may not be a huge amount of depth to our interactions, but it widens our circle of connection and helps us feel seen. It also expands our exposure to different ideas and ways of being. This is the category that took the hardest hit because of Covid-19.
We couldn’t hang out with our close friends because of isolation, but we still kept in touch. However, we lost touch with people like the funny corner store guy and the nice lady from the gym, and that really affected our mental health. It’s not just about losing connection; it’s also about missing out on hearing different perspectives.
During the pandemic, a lot of our social interactions shifted online, but they often ended up in echo chambers. This means we tend to connect more with people who think like us instead of encountering those with different views. Some social scientists link this trend to the rise of groups like Q-Anon.
What Are Close Friends Or Chosen Family?
Aristotle’s concept of friendship of virtue aligns well with the modern notion of close friends or chosen family. According to The SAGE Encyclopedia of Marriage, Family, and Couples Counseling, chosen families refer to nonbiological kinship bonds intentionally selected for the sake of mutual support and love, regardless of legal recognition.
Chosen family arises from nurturing friendships that enhance our lives beyond our biological families or address the voids left by them. A notable example of this formalized practice is evident in ballroom culture in New York during the 1980s and 1990s, as portrayed in the FX series Pose, inspired by the documentary Paris is Burning.
The term queerplatonic emerged in the past decade to describe deep and meaningful relationships formed outside of biological family units and romantic or sexual partnerships. While the “platonic” part is clear, why “queer”?
Kaz and S. E. Smith introduced the term in 2010 to highlight “difference” in relationships, not just limited to non-cis or non-hetero aspects. It signifies a depth beyond conventional societal norms around friendship.
Because typical words for friendship fall short in capturing the partnership aspect of these relationships, there’s been a gap in our language. To fill this void, the term “zucchini” gained popularity, coined by Kaz and Smith.
It began as a joke but gained legitimacy because its whimsical nature reflects the challenge of describing the depth of these relationships with our current vocabulary. This also highlights the influence of amatonormativity, as discussed by Elizabeth Blake.
Our zucchinis, if we’re fortunate to have them, are vital relationships that essentially become our chosen family, formed outside the conventional norms of biological or marital connection.
Even if we have wonderful partners and biological families, our queer platonic relationships, chosen family, and friendships of virtue are equally essential and nourishing. In fact, I’d argue they might be even more vital because we create them to fulfill our exact needs. Since these relationships don’t fit into cultural norms, we’re free from any rules when forming them.
What Are the Best Type of Friendships?
While the “friendship of the good” may appear to be the ideal, it’s essential to recognize that all three types of friendships—utility, pleasure, and goodness—are necessary for our overall happiness. Research suggests that individuals with multiple identities tend to have more connections and friends over time, highlighting the importance of diverse friendships.
Indeed, suppose you play various roles in life, like being an employee, a volunteer, a soccer player, a gamer, and a hiker. In that case, you’ll naturally encounter more opportunities to connect with others.
Multiple friendships of pleasure, whether enduring or fleeting, can offer protection and serve as outlets during difficult times. Like Aristotle’s “friendships of the good,” best friends are individuals with whom we find joy and contentment, often feeling like chosen family members.
Questions to think about:
- Who are the people in your life you regularly interact with on an acquaintance level?
- What do you like about these interactions?
- What benefits do you receive from these relationships?
- Who are your closest friends, and do you see them as chosen family?
- How has having close friends offered you a unique kind of support, regardless of your relationship with your biological family?
