Which is worse: a miserable marriage or an isolated, lonely life?
It may seem like an impossible choice—almost like asking which form of suffering you’d prefer. But we bring it up because it’s not uncommon for people to stay in unhappy relationships just to avoid being alone. On the flip side, some respond to betrayal by leaving their partner and shutting themselves off from future connections.
But here’s the thing: getting stuck in the blame game only fuels insecurities and stalls the healing process after betrayal. In this blog, we’ll explore a third option: how to either rebuild trust in your current relationship or open yourself up to someone new who’s worthy of your trust. Let’s dive in!
Did You Know Staying in a Low-Trust Relationship Could Shorten Your Life?
Both staying in a miserable marriage and shutting yourself off after betrayal can harm more than just your emotional and mental health—they can actually take years off your life.
The evidence is undeniable. Studies show that couples in low-trust relationships face a higher mortality rate. Robert Levenson and his team uncovered this startling correlation in a 20-year study of older couples. During the study, couples in distrustful, conflict-heavy relationships began to drop out. Why?
The study recorded the couples during conflict, and—no surprise—they treated each other like adversaries, as if they were locked in a constant battle. Each couple eventually received a copy of their video, and over time, every couple in a low-trust relationship left the study.
The takeaway? Living in constant distrust isn’t just emotionally draining; it’s life-threatening. To build a truly healthy relationship, trust is essential. Without it, the emotional strain can take a dangerous toll on both partners.
Men in Low-Trust Relationships Face a Higher Risk of Early Death
Dr. Tara Madhyastha conducted further analysis of the couples who dropped out of the study and uncovered a shocking truth: a significant number of the husbands in low-trust relationships had passed away.
Over the 20 years, the mortality rate for these men was 58%, compared to just 23% for those in cooperative marriages.
To put it in perspective: even after accounting for age and other health factors, men in low-trust marriages were eleven times more likely to die over the two decades than those in mutually supportive relationships.
These findings align with numerous studies showing that men who feel loved by their wives have a significantly lower risk of severe ulcers, coronary artery blockages, and angina. While we can’t definitively say why husbands in low-trust marriages die at such a disproportionate rate compared to their wives, one theory is that men’s blood pressure, pulse, and other stress responses are more intensely affected by relationship conflict.
Women in Low-Trust Relationships Suffer Too: Psychological and Physical Toll
It’s not just men who suffer the effects of low-trust relationships. Women in these situations report more psychological and physical health problems compared to those in healthier relationships. A particularly revealing study highlights the significant health benefits of a high-trust marriage for women.
Dr. James Coan conducted an experiment in which female volunteers underwent MRI scans while receiving mild ankle shocks. Beforehand, each participant completed a questionnaire assessing her satisfaction with her marriage.
Coan observed the difference in each woman’s stress response based on whether a stranger or her husband held her hand during the test. When a stranger was present, the parts of the brain that trigger fear and alarm lit up.
However, in high-trust marriages, when the husband held his wife’s hand, her fear response nearly disappeared. Conversely, women who were insecure in their marriages showed almost the same heightened brain activity regardless of whether they held their husband’s hand or a stranger’s.
Why Trust Is Essential for a Healthy Relationship
A growing body of research shows that high-trust relationships stimulate the production of oxytocin in women—often called the “cuddle hormone.” Oxytocin is linked to bonding between couples and mothers and has a calming effect on the body, protecting against stress reactions that could harm health.
For men, vasopressin, a hormone with similar bonding effects, plays the same role. This further demonstrates how deeply our relationships impact our physical health, and how our bodies respond to the level of trust we experience with our partners.
Dr. James Coan theorizes that partners can even co-regulate each other’s physiology. In other words, they help calm each other during stressful moments when self-soothing isn’t enough.
On the flip side, research shows that in high-conflict relationships, the brain’s fear response—known as “flooding”—takes over during arguments, making it difficult to deactivate that stress. High-trust partners, however, regularly help each other deactivate that fear response and maintain emotional balance.
Related Reading: Why People Cheat
Is Being Single Worse Than Staying in a Low-Trust Relationship?
Earlier, I posed the question: What’s worse for your health—marital misery or being alone? While a toxic relationship can wreak havoc on your well-being, research suggests that chronic loneliness is even deadlier.
The high mortality rate of isolated individuals has been well documented. A groundbreaking study of 9,000 people by Drs. Lisa Berkman and Len Syme at the University of California, Berkeley, found that close friendships and marriage added roughly an extra decade to people’s lives.
In fact, after six years, the survival probability for married individuals or those with close, trusting relationships was about 80%, while it dropped to 50% for those without such connections.
Even men in unhappy marriages saw some health benefits. This research suggests that lifelong isolation shortens life expectancy more than a bad marriage. While the exact biological reasons aren’t fully understood, Dr. John Cacioppo’s work suggests that loneliness may trigger higher blood pressure due to arterial vasoconstriction (the narrowing of blood vessels).
However, this doesn’t mean you should stay in an unsalvageable marriage just for the sake of your health. The answer isn’t to endure a miserable relationship; it’s to avoid retreating into a life of loneliness. Instead, focus on building a new, loving relationship or strengthening bonds with trusted friends. These connections can play a vital role in helping you heal emotionally and regain trust after betrayal.
How to Trust Again After Being Cheated On (When Staying with Your Partner)
Rebuilding trust after infidelity can feel daunting, but it is possible—especially if you choose to stay with your partner.
Related Reading: How To Recover From Infidelity
Here some steps to help you navigate this challenging journey:
1. Open Communication
Start by having honest and open conversations with your partner about the infidelity. Share your feelings, fears, and concerns. It’s essential to create a safe space where both of you can express yourselves without judgment. This dialogue lays the groundwork for rebuilding trust.
2. Acknowledge the Pain
Recognize that healing takes time. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and acknowledge the impact of the betrayal on your emotional well-being. Your partner should also understand the pain caused by their actions and express genuine remorse.
3. Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries moving forward. Discuss what behaviors are acceptable and what actions may trigger feelings of distrust. Setting these boundaries helps create a sense of safety and security in the relationship.
Related Reading: How To Set Boundaries
4. Work on Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a crucial part of the healing process. This doesn’t mean forgetting the betrayal or excusing the behavior; rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional burden. Take your time with this process, and allow it to unfold naturally.
5. Focus on Rebuilding Trust Gradually
Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight; it’s a gradual process. Start with small steps—like sharing daily experiences and being honest about feelings. Celebrate the moments when your partner meets your trust expectations, no matter how small.
6. Observe Consistent Behavior
Pay attention to your partner’s actions over time. Trust is built on consistency. If they are committed to making things right, their actions should reflect this dedication. Look for honesty, transparency, and reliability in their behavior.
7. Seek Professional Help
Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to facilitate healing. A professional can guide you both in addressing underlying issues, improving communication, and navigating the path to trust restoration.
8. Practice Self-Care
Don’t forget to take care of yourself during this challenging time. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice mindfulness, and surround yourself with supportive friends or family. Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is vital in this process.
Related Reading: How To Take Care Of Yourself
9. Be Patient
Understand that rebuilding trust is a journey that requires patience from both partners. It’s normal to have setbacks along the way, so approach the process with kindness and understanding toward yourself and your partner.
I am choosing to move on; but how do I handle trust issues after being cheated on?
Starting a new relationship after experiencing infidelity can be challenging. It is important to communicate openly and work on establishing trust with a new partner, acknowledging past trauma while fostering healthy connections.
To hone your trust radar, follow the example of people who have an excellent track record in assessing others. These savvy people tend to score high on measures of social intelligence, which means the ability to interact well with people, individually and in group settings. Their “default” position when they meet someone is to be trusting. But they are not gullible. If there is reason for skepticism, they become wary.
If someone treats you unfairly and does not reciprocate kindness, do not trust him or her, no matter how charming. Tricksters and selfish con artists are often incredibly charming and reassuring, so we tend to dismiss evidence that we otherwise would not. Remember, not everyone cheats; research supports that the majority of people are honest and reliable in their relationships. If you are ready for a new relationship here are 5 areas to examine before diving into a new relationship.
5 Areas To Examine Before Choosing To Trust
Based on my exhaustive research on trust and betrayal, I believe there are five detectable criteria for separating the trustworthy from the shysters. If you meet someone who possesses the following qualities, I think it is worth the risk to open yourself up, perhaps little by little.
It is crucial to find a good person who shows understanding and empathy, especially if you have trust issues due to past traumas. There is no guarantee. But if you learn to assess others with fairness and objectivity, in time, you are likely to encounter someone with whom you can connect in a deep and loving way. The opposite is also true: If someone fails any part of the following smell test, walk away.
Honesty
Do not trust someone who lies to you. Too often, we come up with excuses for the other person. It was a misunderstanding. They had their reasons. It wasn’t that bad. It was only one time.
Take a clear-eyed look: Has this potential lover ever deceived you? Have you witnessed him or her lying to others? Do you find yourself questioning the veracity of what they say and then talking yourself out of your doubts? If so, move on. When a partner cheats, the emotional turmoil and trust issues that arise can be overwhelming. Honesty is crucial in rebuilding trust and managing the emotional trauma. Without it, healing or moving on from the relationship becomes nearly impossible.
Transparency
A partner’s life should be an open book without secrets. If a partner cheated, transparency becomes even more crucial in rebuilding trust. Make sure this new person invites you to meet friends, family, and colleagues and also confides in you about major stresses, ambitions, and goals.
When you ask, “Where have you been?” they should answer without hesitation.
Accountability and Self Confidence
Is there proof that this potential partner keeps promises? Are you able to check the details of any significant transactions with others, financial or otherwise? Do not trust someone who remains vague or unreachable about these issues.
It’s best to be suspicious of people who say, “Just trust me,” in response to a specific question. Trustworthy people don’t feel the need to tell you what to think!
Ethical Actions
Does this person display just and fair conduct with consistency? Do they express and demonstrate values in tune with your own? If you’re not comfortable with someone’s morals, do not continue the relationship.
Proof of Alliance
Any potential mate should demonstrate being on your side and having your back—even in small ways. You want evidence that they do not operate off sheer self-interest nor form coalitions against you.
You want proof that they take your interests to heart. It is a wonderful sign if someone demonstrates selflessness toward you.
Conclusion
If you subject the people you meet to this clear-eyed assessment, you will gain confidence in your ability to size up others. I’m not suggesting that becoming more discerning is effortless, but I am certain that learning to trust again is worth it.
