At Simply Midori, we deeply value your intimacy and the well-being of your relationship. It’s not uncommon for couples to reach out to us seeking a how-to guide to have better sex life or give them solutions to fix their sexual struggles.
However, what many couples discover along the way is that their sex life sheds light on underlying issues, serving as a symptom of not addressing the root cause of their struggles.
More often than not, the core issue lies in the unmet needs within the relationship, which consequently impacts their sexual connection.
Maybe your sex life is fantastic, but other aspects of your relationship are lacking. You may find yourself unable to pinpoint the problem.
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It could be a lack of affection or physical intimacy. Perhaps your relationship is missing deep conversations where you share your desires and values (spiritual intimacy). Maybe your conversations lack intellectual stimulation.
Perhaps you feel stuck in a routine and crave new experiences (experiential intimacy). Or maybe you’re missing open conversations about your emotions and experiences (emotional intimacy). Whatever the case, we’ve curated a list of books to address each area in your life. FYI: Addressing any of these areas will improve your sexual intimacy, so get ready for better sex!
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1. The 5 Kinds of Intimacy: How to Keep Your Love Alive by Beth Darling
The book is a comprehensive guide that explores the multi-faceted nature of intimacy in relationships. Drawing from her background as a divorce lawyer and now a love, life, and relationship coach, Darling presents a practical, no-nonsense approach to cultivating happy, satisfying relationships.
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The book identifies and discusses five types of intimacy – emotional, intellectual, physical, experiential, and spiritual. The author believes understanding and nurturing these different forms of closeness is key to keeping love alive in a relationship.
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Darling doesn’t shy away from complex topics while offering actionable advice through 17 unique Intimacy practices that readers can implement immediately. These practices are designed to be fun, insightful, and transformative, helping individuals and couples create deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships.
Whether you’re struggling with intimacy issues or just looking for ways to strengthen your relationship, “The 5 Kinds of Intimacy: How to Keep Your Love Alive” offers valuable insights and practical tools to help you navigate your journey to deeper connection and satisfaction.
2. Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by Dr. David Schnarch
Dr. Schnarch, a licensed clinical psychologist and renowned sex therapist, uses real-life case studies to explore couples’ challenges when their sex lives are in shambles, leading them to question their self-worth and even consider divorce. He introduces the concept of differentiation – the ability to maintain your individuality while being emotionally connected to your partner – as a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
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The book presents Dr. Schnarch’s unique understanding of how marital impasses can lead to relationship growth. It provides a roadmap for couples to transform common sexual desire problems into self-exploration and personal development, leading to psychological and spiritual growth, stronger relationships, and more powerful and meaningful desire for each other.
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“Intimacy & Desire” is a transformative guide that can help couples reignite the passion in their relationships through understanding, communication, and personal growth.
3. The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy (The Seven Days Series) by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D.
The book is a comprehensive guide for couples seeking to deepen their relationships. The book’s core revolves around a seven-day program to enhance partner intimacy and connection.
The Gottmans, renowned relationship experts, draw upon their extensive research and clinical experience to provide practical techniques and insightful advice. The book covers essential topics like improving communication skills, effectively resolving conflicts, and fostering a deeper understanding of your partner’s needs and desires.
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The seven-day program is presented clearly, step-by-step, making it easy for couples to follow. Each day focuses on a different aspect of the relationship, offering exercises and activities encouraging open dialogue, empathy, and mutual respect.
The book’s writing style is accessible and straightforward, making complex psychological concepts digestible for a lay audience. It combines scientific research with real-life examples, balancing informative and relatable.
Regarding relevance, “The Love Prescription” is a valuable resource for contemporary couples. In an era where relationships often face the pressures of busy schedules, digital distractions, and societal expectations, this book offers practical solutions to common challenges. It encourages couples to invest time and effort into nurturing their relationship, promoting a culture of love, understanding, and mutual growth.
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Overall, “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy” is a highly recommended read for anyone looking to strengthen and deepen their romantic relationships. Its blend of science-backed strategies, practical exercises, and insightful advice make it a powerful tool for improving relationship health and satisfaction.
4. Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: How to Connect or Reconnect With Your Spouse, Grow Together, and Strengthen Your Marriage by Marcus Kusi and Ashley Kusi
The book is a compelling guide for couples seeking to fortify their marital bonds. Marcus and Ashley Kusi, the authors, bring a wealth of experience to the table. As relationship coaches, they have helped numerous couples navigate the complexities of marriage. Their motivation to write this book stems from their desire to share their insights and strategies with a wider audience, helping more couples enhance their relationships.
The book delves into the crucial role of emotional and sexual intimacy in a successful marriage. It offers practical advice on fostering open and honest communication, rekindling the spark in a relationship, and navigating common marital challenges. The Kusis emphasize the importance of mutual understanding, respect, and patience in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
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The book’s strength lies in its presentation. The author’s writing style is straightforward and relatable, making it accessible to readers regardless of their familiarity with related literature. The book avoids jargon, instead opting for clear language that communicates complex ideas effectively. This approachable style, combined with real-life examples and practical exercises, makes the book a truly useful tool for couples.
What sets this book apart is its balanced focus on both emotional and sexual intimacy. While many relationship guides focus primarily on one or the other, the Kusis recognize that both are integral to a healthy, thriving marriage.
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Overall, “Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” is a valuable resource for any couple, regardless of the stage of their relationship. Whether newlyweds seeking to start on the right foot or long-term partners looking to reignite the spark, this book offers practical, actionable advice to help you strengthen your bond. The Kusis’ expertise, combined with their genuine care for their readers, shines through every page, making this a must-read for anyone committed to enhancing their marital relationship.
5. She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner
There are so many sex books out there that it’s hard to know which ones are good. What distinguishes this one from all the other sex books on the market? Unlike other sex books this one primarily focuses on empowering men with the knowledge to prioritize female pleasure, arguing that a fulfilling sexual relationship is grounded in understanding and catering to a woman’s needs.
A renowned sexologist, Kerner presents a detailed exploration of female sexuality, debunking numerous myths and misconceptions. He emphasizes the importance of foreplay, asserting that the key to satisfying a woman lies in understanding her physiological responses and focusing on stimulating her most sensitive areas.
The author’s writing style is straightforward and engaging, making complex ideas accessible to a lay audience. He uses humor, anecdotes, and scientific evidence, creating a balance between being informative and entertaining. His approach to the topics is bold yet respectful, challenging traditional norms while advocating for mutual pleasure and consent.
The book effectively addresses its intended audience—men who want to improve their skills in the bedroom. The practical advice, clear instructions, and focus on female pleasure make it a valuable resource for those seeking to enhance their sexual relationships. The book’s success lies in its ability to shift perspectives, encouraging men to prioritize their partner’s pleasure and thus create a more fulfilling sexual experience for both parties.
In conclusion, “She Comes First” is an enlightening and transformative guide. Its blend of scientific insights, practical advice, and progressive ideas make it a must-read for anyone seeking to understand female sexuality better and enhance their sexual relationships. It challenges societal norms, advocates for equality in sexual satisfaction, and empowers men with the knowledge to be more attentive and skilled lovers (including a section on becoming better at oral sex).
6. The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly
The book explores relationships and the varying depths of connection one can achieve with others. The book presents a model outlining seven distinct levels of intimacy, each illustrating a deeper understanding and connection than the last.
- Clichés: This is the most superficial level of intimacy, primarily consisting of small talk and casual conversation.
- Facts: This level involves sharing basic information about oneself, such as personal backgrounds and preferences.
- Opinions: Sharing opinions signifies a deeper level of trust, as individuals reveal their viewpoints and beliefs.
- Hopes and Dreams: At this level, individuals share their aspirations, dreams, and goals, signifying a deeper emotional connection.
- Feelings: Sharing feelings requires vulnerability and trust, marking a significant depth of intimacy.
- Faults, Fears, and Failures: This level involves revealing one’s insecurities, fears, and past mistakes, demonstrating a profound level of trust and acceptance.
- Legitimate Needs: This is the deepest level of intimacy, where individuals express their core needs and desires, expecting them to be understood and met by their partners.
Kelly emphasizes that these levels work in sequence – one cannot jump to a higher level without successfully navigating the preceding ones. He also highlights the importance of self-knowledge and self-love as prerequisites for achieving deep, meaningful intimacy with others.
The book offers practical guidance on navigating these levels and deepening connections with those we love. It underscores the idea that true intimacy goes beyond physical connection and requires emotional and psychological closeness. Ultimately, Kelly’s model encourages readers to strive for deeper, more fulfilling relationships by understanding and practicing the art of intimacy.
7. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by Dr. David Schnarch
The book is insightful and reframes the concept of intimacy in marriage. The book offers a fresh perspective on how couples can maintain passion and romantic love even in a long term relationship.
Schnarch, a renowned sex researcher and marital therapist, introduces the concept of ‘differentiation’ as the key to a passionate marriage. Differentiation is the process of maintaining your sense of self and individuality while being emotionally connected to your partner.
According to Schnarch, it’s not about becoming more alike or achieving a harmonious symbiosis but rather about growing as individuals and being able to withstand the tension that comes with differences.
The book is divided into three sections, each detailing Schnarch’s approach to sexual intimacy. The first section looks at the common misconceptions about marriage and sex. The second section delves into the concept of differentiation and how it fuels desire and passion.
Here, Schnarch explains how the emotional gridlock in a relationship often stems from the inability of partners to validate their own feelings and beliefs. He emphasizes that couples can achieve higher levels of differentiation and intimacy by working through these gridlocks.
The third section focuses on our sex life as a personal growth process. Schnarch argues that sexual relationships force us to confront our fears and insecurities, thus making sex a powerful tool for personal growth, self love and self-actualization.
In conclusion, “Passionate Marriage” is a groundbreaking book that challenges conventional wisdom about long-term relationships. Dr. Schnarch provides a road map for couples seeking to maintain or reignite passion in their marriages by focusing on self-development and individuality. This book is an invaluable resource for anyone interested in understanding the intricate dynamics of intimate relationships.
8. Motivated to Love: How to Love Your Spouse Unconditionally Through the Worst Seasons of Your Marriage
The book is a powerful guide to maintaining love and commitment in marriage, even during its most challenging periods. The author explores the concept of unconditional love and provides practical strategies for cultivating this within a marital relationship.
The book underscores the idea that love is not merely a feeling but a choice and an action. It emphasizes that even when circumstances are complex, and the emotional connection seems strained, one can act lovingly towards their spouse. This approach necessitates patience, understanding, and forgiveness, all discussed in detail.
The author also addresses common challenges couples face, such as communication breakdowns, differences in expectations, and periods of conflict or estrangement. Practical advice is given on navigating these issues while preserving the integrity of the marital relationship.
At its core, “Motivated to Love” is a call to action for spouses to commit fully to their partners and to the institution of marriage. It offers valuable insights and practical advice for anyone seeking to deepen their marital relationship and navigate its inevitable challenges with grace and resilience.
9. The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis
The book is a comprehensive guide for couples struggling with a low sex life or no-sex relationship. The book provides practical advice and strategies to help couples revive their intimate connection and improve their relationship.
The author, a renowned therapist, discusses the common causes of low libido in marriages and its impact on both partners. She emphasizes the importance of open communication about sex and encourages couples to address their issues head-on rather than ignoring them.
Weiner-Davis presents various solutions to boost libido, from exploring new sexual fantasies to seeking professional help. She also addresses the emotional aspects of a sex-starved marriage, including feelings of rejection, loneliness, and frustration.
Throughout the book, Weiner-Davis uses real-life examples from her practice to illustrate her points, making the advice relatable and applicable. She encourages couples to proactively reignite their physical relationship, arguing that a satisfying sexual relationship is critical to a healthy, happy marriage.
In conclusion, “The Sex-Starved Marriage” is a valuable resource for couples facing challenges in their sexual relationship. It offers practical advice, psychological insights, and encouragement, giving couples the tools to reignite their passion and intimacy.
10. The Intimate Connection: Secrets to a Lifelong Romance by Dr. Kevin Leman
The book focuses on the importance of emotional intimacy as the foundation of a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship. Leman, a bestselling author and marriage expert, presents key secrets that can help couples achieve the love life they crave. The book’s primary strength is dissecting complex emotional dynamics into understandable and actionable insights.
Leman’s holistic approach emphasizes that creating a happy, lifelong marriage is about much more than physical compatibility. He advocates for a lifestyle of 24/7 intimacy that bonds couples together, encompassing aspects like communication, understanding, respect, and shared experiences.
The book is organized into chapters or ‘secrets’ to lifelong romance, each exploring different facets of a relationship. These include understanding one’s partner, resolving conflicts, maintaining the spark, and nurturing mutual growth. Each chapter is filled with practical advice, making the book a valuable resource for couples at any relationship stage.
However, some readers may find that the book leans towards traditional gender roles in a relationship. While this perspective might resonate with some, it could feel outdated or irrelevant to others, especially those in non-traditional relationships.
In conclusion, “The Intimate Connection: Secrets to a Lifelong Romance” offers valuable insights and practical guidance for anyone seeking to deepen their romantic relationships.
11. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen
The book is an enlightening exploration of gender communication dynamics. The book delves into how men and women communicate, arguing that many conflicts arise from these fundamental differences.
Tannen, a renowned linguist, builds her thesis on the premise that men and women have distinct communication styles, shaped by socialization processes from childhood. She suggests that while women view conversation as a way to connect and seek consensus, men often use it to maintain status and achieve independence.
Throughout the book, Tannen uses many examples, from personal anecdotes to observational studies, to illustrate her points. These real-life examples make the concepts relatable and easy to understand, enhancing the book’s practical value.
In conclusion, “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation” is a thought-provoking read for anyone seeking to improve their connection through communication.
12. Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You’ve Always Wanted by Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
This groundbreaking book empowers women to embrace their sexuality and achieve a more fulfilling sex life. Dr. Marcus brings her two decades of experience as a sex therapist to this comprehensive guide. The book is centered around a unique 100-point system, acknowledging that sexual problems don’t have a single source but can be addressed through various solutions.
Dr. Marcus guides readers in identifying and analyzing the factors affecting their sex lives. She firmly believes in the right of all women to have a healthy, robust, and fulfilling sex life and shares her expert knowledge to help her readers achieve this.
The book provides practical advice, strategies, and exercises to help readers understand their sexual desires better and overcome any obstacles to satisfaction. “Satisfaction Guaranteed” is more than just a self-help book; it’s a journey of sexual self-discovery and empowerment.
13. Praying Together: A Simple Path to Spiritual Intimacy for Couples by Sam and Vicki Ingrassia
The book is a heartfelt guide aimed at couples looking to strengthen their relationship through shared spiritual practices. The book explores the power of prayer in fostering deeper connection and intimacy between partners.
The authors, who share their experiences as a married couple, propose that shared prayer is a transformative practice that can help couples navigate challenges, grow together, and build a solid spiritual foundation for their relationship. They provide practical advice and easy-to-follow steps on incorporating prayer into daily life, making the concept accessible even to those new to the practice.
The book is structured around several key themes: communication, vulnerability, forgiveness, gratitude, and mutual support. Each chapter presents a new aspect of prayer, backed by biblical references, personal anecdotes, and actionable tips, creating a well-rounded guide to spiritual intimacy.
Although the book focuses on Christian prayer, the principles can be applied broadly as it offers valuable insights for couples seeking to deepen their relationship through shared spiritual practices.
Its practical advice, personal approach, and focus on prayer make it a unique resource in relationship guides. For Christian couples or those open to Christian practices, this book could be a beneficial tool in fostering deeper connection and understanding.
14. Made to be Loved: Enjoying Spiritual Intimacy with God and Your Spouse by Stephen B. Bell and Valerie Bell
The book is a heartfelt guide that encourages couples to delve deeper into their spiritual lives together. The book aims to aid couples in moving beyond merely treating the symptoms of a strained relationship, encouraging them to explore the root issues and foster a more robust connection with each other and God.
The Bells, drawing from their own experiences and years of counseling others, offer insights into how couples can achieve spiritual intimacy. They highlight that the journey to such intimacy involves revealing your spirituality to your partner in a supportive, non-judgmental environment.
The book emphasizes spiritual intimacy in marriage occurs when both partners surrender their lives and relationship to God, living out their marital vows according to His teachings. It presents examples of spiritual intimacy, such as watching the sunrise together or sharing moments of quiet awe at nature’s beauty, underlining the importance of finding sacredness in everyday life.
Made to be Loved: Enjoying Spiritual Intimacy with God and Your Spouse offers practical advice, such as discussing blessings throughout the day, sharing prayer requests, and regularly discussing inspirational readings. Through these actionable steps, the Bells provide a roadmap for couples striving to build spiritual intimacy and a stronger bond in their relationship.
15. Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
The book explores the complexities of maintaining desire and eroticism in long-term relationships and married couples. The book uncovers the inherent tension between domesticity, which brings love and comfort, and the erotic, often fueled by novelty and distance.
Esther Perel is a renowned psychotherapist and best-selling author with years of experience in couples therapy. Esther Perel suggests that too much intimacy can inhibit desire because it diminishes the mystery and discovery that fuel attraction. Esther Perel advocates for maintaining a sense of individuality and personal freedom within relationships to sustain erotic energy.
Esther Perel analyzes various aspects of modern relationships, such as the need for security versus adventure, the expectations we place on our partners, and the impact of societal trends on our romantic relationships. With numerous case studies from her practice, Esther Perel provides practical advice to married couples (and non-married) seeking to reconcile their need for security and their longing for excitement.
“Mating in Captivity” offers a fresh perspective on the challenges of sustaining passion in committed relationships, making it a valuable resource for anyone seeking to balance their need for love and desire.
If We Want A Better Sex Life What Should We Focus On?
When seeking more sexual intimacy, focusing on spiritual intimacy can be incredibly impactful. Spiritual intimacy involves sharing our deepest beliefs and values with our partner, creating a profound sense of openness and vulnerability. This alignment with shared values transcends our individual identities, fostering a deeper understanding of each other at our core.
By understanding ourselves and our partner on this level, we uncover our purpose and shared goals, allowing us to merge our lives profoundly. This deep connection enables us to truly know and be with each other in the most meaningful way possible.
Moreover, spirituality can influence human sexuality in several ways. It shapes our beliefs and values about sex, impacting factors like premarital sex and sexual orientation. Additionally, spiritual connection deepens emotional bonds between partners, enhancing the satisfaction and fulfillment experienced during sexual intimacy.
Spirituality also provides a sense of purpose, which can extend to our sexual experiences. Not to mention, religious teachings may sometimes instill feelings of guilt or shame about sex, depending on individual interpretations and beliefs. These feelings create “sex scripts,” dialogues that we have subconsciously about what is good or bad (i.e., oral sex is bad, but regular sex is totally normal). All around, spirituality can deepen intimacy, which propels you to great sex!
