Loving relationships are essential to our happiness, prosperity, and ability to live a truly prosperous life. Communication is one of the critical factors in establishing and maintaining intimate relationships.
Unfortunately, men and women are rarely taught how to communicate safely and positively with their significant others. As a result, many couples find that their communication skills could be more developed, and their poor communication habits result in most conversations turning into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately harm the relationship.
It’s disheartening to see how yelling, sarcasm, provocation, and name-calling can erode trust (click here to learn how to build trust after it’s been broken) and create defensiveness and resentment. These destructive habits can turn a simple disagreement into a full-blown war, where the original problem gets lost in the chaos. It’s crucial to address these communication issues promptly to prevent further damage to our relationships.
This blog will help you equip you with the communication skills necessary to discuss anything in your relationship!
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Some couples know how to resolve their differences healthily and can nip problems in the bud before they turn into major, relationship-ending issues. By learning to be more deliberate in our communication techniques and leaving aside negativity that damages one’s partner and generates defensiveness, a couple creates a secure place to work openly and respectfully despite disagreements. What are the standards for healthy communication?
There are 10 “commands” to obey when you speak to your significant others. Although this article focuses on relationship communication/ communication patterns within a romantic setting, much of it applies to personal interactions in all areas of life.
How can I improve my communication skills with my partner?
1. Avoid words of judgment and loaded terms
“You’re so immature right now.” I’m sick of your constant ‘poor me’ attitude.” “Maybe if you were more of a guy, you’d be able to deal with that.” “You’d feel better if you got off your fat, lazy butt and did something about it.”
When fighting, we can be tempted to use terms and putdowns we know will harm our partner. These zingers aim to highlight our partner’s shortcomings/ weaknesses and emphasize our partner’s lack of importance or deficiencies. When we use these poor communication patterns, they destroy our partner’s confidence and our relationship’s intimacy.
2. Avoid criticizing them
There are two ways to criticize someone: you may criticize their character or their actions. In criticizing actions, you ask for something concrete and immediate, something a person can realistically alter. But when it comes to assailing someone’s very personality, you’re delivering a total indictment of who they are at the root.
They’re not only doing bad things; they’re terrible individuals. Throwing a large label at someone when you’re frustrated can feel very rewarding and may seem justifiable at the moment.
But, when you write off the individual as wrong, you essentially exempt yourself from responsibility as a couple for your problems: “We would have no trouble if you weren’t so egotistical.” Yet universal criticism of your spouse’s character is pure poison to a romantic partnership.
It will make your spouse feel hurt and defensive, significantly hindering any chance of contact. Character criticism will make your partner feel powerless since the problem is embedded in their identity/personality.
They may answer, “I’m sorry, but I’m like that.” Therefore, you wash your hands of any fault with any problems, yet simultaneously, your partner feels powerless and unable to do something about the issue.
This is not a prescription for how to solve communication issues.
3. Avoid you messages of blame and accusation
The meaning of a ‘you’ message is simply this: ‘I’m in pain because you did it to me.’ Because there’s always this subtext: ‘You were wrong and wrong to do it to me.’
When people come down an angry mountain, they may be able to see that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. But when you lead the blame, the one receiving it will inevitably erect protective walls that will make it challenging to work through any communication issues together.
It doesn’t mean that you have to believe that your significant partner isn’t at fault because they are; it just means that you’re using a vocabulary that says the same thing differently – playing down your argument so that it has a chance to penetrate their internal barriers and touch their brains.
When attempting affective communication, it’s crucial to replace self-centered claims with ‘I’ statements that highlight your personal reactions to your partner’s actions. This approach shifts the focus from blame to your feelings, making the message more relatable and less defensive. Here are some examples:
-“You always leave the house in such a mess.” “When the house is too cluttered, I feel stressed out.”
-“Your mood is ruining our relationship.” “Because I can’t predict your moods, I’m not sure how to handle you, and I feel like this is eroding the intimacy of our relationship.”
-“You’re always late, and it’s driving me insane.” “I feel humiliated when we get here 20 minutes late.”
4. Avoid old history
“You’re always ungrateful. Remember when I spent the whole weekend cleaning the house before your friends arrived, and you never said thank you?”
“You don’t believe me, huh? At least I’m not the one who lied last year.”
“I’m sorry for spending so much on the sofa, just as you were sorry for going over the kitchen remodeling budget and spending too much on our wedding dress …”
As a general rule of thumb, focus on what’s in front of you when looking to improve communication. For instance, when discussing a particular issue, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud or indulging in what my friend calls “closet-fighting” — i.e., slipping back into the closet of your past for old grievances.
When we closet-fight, “The message is, ‘You’re bad, you’re bad, you’re bad. You’ve always had this problem, and it doesn’t get any better.”
Discussing your history can improve communication, but only if you’re relaxed and calm. Effective communication stays in the present, especially when things get intense.
Resurrecting old problems ruins your conversation and your emotional intimacy because you only exist in the past. Plus, your spouse is likely to be upset that you’re always hanging on to something they figured you’d forgiven, and both of you would feel like your relationship isn’t progressing.
It’s hard to make progress when you keep rehashing the past.
5. Stop comparing
“None of my exes has ever been as clingy as you are.”
“Why can’t you be more fun like Derek’s wife?
We always like to believe that we’ve gone beyond our parents’ shortcomings, and hearing “you’re just like your dad” feels like a blow to the intestines.
Our identities are very much focused on comparing ourselves to our colleagues or friends and hearing the person we love to say that we don’t stack up hurts.
Making superficial comparisons often shows your partner that you’ve been thinking about someone else and how that other person can measure up to them, which will cause hurt feelings and envy.
Needless to say DO NOT compare your spouse to any of your past relationships.
6. Avoid threats
“If you’re going to behave like that, then I’m not coming along with you to your parents’ house this weekend.”
“If you can’t behave properly, then maybe we should keep a divorce.”
“If you don’t want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find many other women willing to be.”
The simple message of a threat is: you’re bad, and I will punish you if you don’t do what I want. If your partner does what you want, it will only be done to escape the repercussions of your attack, and if they do not, the conflict will intensify.
There’s a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after you’ve exhausted any opportunity to negotiate and constructively resolve the issue. Too many people turn to threats as a simple way to fix problems and even drop the word D to scare their partner into compliance.
The “or else” argument should not be tossed around, and it should not be punitive. That is, if your partner cannot meet your needs, set up a strategy to meet those needs yourself, but do not do so in a way that is deliberately intended to punish your partner.
So, for example, if you want to spend more time with your mates but your significant other doesn’t give her blessing, you might say, “I’m going to start spending time with them every Saturday morning before you and the kids are awake” and then follow through with that action.
In the end your partner may support your ultimatum’s enforcement, or it may lead to a conflict in your relationship. If the latter, it may spell the end; good communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success.
7. Describe your thoughts instead of manipulating them
Your actions can be used as a sword. If we raise our voices, withdraw into cold anger, adopt a sneering tone, or use cutting sarcasm, we may harm those we love. Particularly when it comes to interacting with women, you’d be shocked how a cut tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt.
Related Reading: How To Healthily Express Anger In Relationships
Alternatively, do your best to keep your voice calm and clear. When you analyze what worries you, describe your feelings as clearly as possible. “By doing so, your partner will know what you’re thinking without becoming annoyed or bludgeoned by it.”
Here are some examples:
“I feel disrespected when you make comments at my expense while we’re out with your mates.”
“I feel jealous when I see you texting your female coworkers.”
“I feel upset when you forget me when I come home from work.”
8. Keep your body language free and responsive
Perhaps more than what we say, our body language conveys how we feel. You may convince yourself that you are fine and willing to talk, but your spouse will only believe you if your posture and facial expressions show what your words indicate.
They’re also likely to match your defensive posture, and the conversation will get off to a rocky start. To keep things fun, adopt an open rather than a closed attitude. Good communication skills start with body language. Folding your arms, straining your jaw, squinting, appearing annoyed, balling your hands, fidgeting in an agitated way, and rolling your eyes are all actions that make you appear closed, aggressive, and unable to interact.
Build a genuine, welcoming body language by relaxing your expression, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show you how to listen.
9. Use the full message
Sometimes, you may think you’ll get your message across to your spouse, but they hear something different from what you expected- causing major communication problems.
Our thoughts and feelings make perfect sense to us, but when we express them, they can be misinterpreted. This is because what we say is only a fraction of what we truly mean. Being self-aware can help us express ourselves more accurately.
To stop this, try to send “all texts” while talking to your spouse. The whole message consists of four parts: Observations: “Observations are statements of fact that are impartial, without conclusions or inferences. “The house is a mess,” vs. “I’ve found that you are a slob.”
Thoughts are your views, opinions, hypotheses, and perceptions of the situation. Thoughts are not expressed as absolute reality but as your personal opinion or interpretation of the situation.
‘My thought was … I wondered if … I assumed that … I was worried that … the way I saw it was …’
When explaining your feelings, it’s important to use ‘I’ statements. This not only makes your feelings clear but also avoids blaming your partner. For instance, saying ‘I’m worried about our budget’ is more effective than ‘Your spending is out of reach and worrying me ‘.
Needs / Wants: So often, we expect our partner to be a reader of mind, but no one will ask what you want until you tell them.”
Here’s an example of the whole message: “We haven’t spent as much time together [Observation]. You seem to have become more distracted, and I don’t know whether that’s just because your classes are rough this semester or you’re just not as interested in [Thoughts] hanging out. I felt far from you and uncertain about the state of our relationship [Feelings]. I would like us to be more dedicated as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs].
Effective communication using all 4 techniques and will eliminate any communication problems you currently have. Give it a shot!
10. Use direct messages
Your spouse may say, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting way to do it,” when they mean, “You’re doing it wrong.” Or, for example, you could say to your wife, “And here you are finally, late as normal.” You try to make a precise observation but combine your assumptions, emotions, and feelings. There are communication styles that lead both partners to feel frustrated, and this type of passive communication style does just that.
We can fix communication using ‘I’ statements, which can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings. For example, instead of saying, ‘You’re always late,’ you could say, ‘I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes, and it makes me feel irritated and disrespected. Could you make more effort to be on time?’
One powerful way to contaminate your message is to mask it as a question: “Why didn’t you clean the trash last night?” “Is there a reason why all the dishes were left in the sink?” “Why don’t you take our finances more seriously? “You think that’s a smart idea, huh?”
The questioner takes the stance of finding clarification from his partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; they only make an allegation and express their disapproval of their partner’s decision.
To be frank, it seems that women do this more than men (sorry, ladies), possibly because they are still less confident to be assertive. Muddy messages can take you from a healthy relationship to somewhere between distance and contention.
When you need more clarity about your intentions, your partner might not understand your point or the issue at hand. A good communication habit to adopt is to be direct without beating around the bush to ensure your message is received as intended.
