Take a moment and think about best friends? When you think about best friends they are loyal, trustworthy, you enjoy spending time with them, and you feel comfortable being yourself around them.
Well guess what the same should go for your spouse! When you’re friends with your spouse, you have increased trust, consideration, and loyalty. Plus, being friends means you can laugh together, show affection, and handle disagreements much more positively (because you fight fair). This blog will discuss how to be friends with your spouse.
Family therapist John Gottman discusses love maps as a cool concept that allows you to have a mental roadmap of your partner’s inner world. Part of spending time with someone is understanding what makes them tick—their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, you name it.
This deep understanding of one another is crucial to understanding why friendship helps married couples. If you have a high-quality friendship with your spouse, chances are you are genuinely interested in knowing and connecting on a deeper level.
Think about what a best friend does: they help make us feel seen, heard, and understood in the relationship, which lays the groundwork for emotional and physical intimacy.
How can you do this with your spouse? Answer the same way you do it with your best friend. Consider what’s currently stressing or worrying your partner. What are their dreams, aspirations, values, and goals? Do you have a good grasp of these things?
You’re already building a marital friendship with your partner if you answered yes. But if you’re unsure or don’t know, focusing on this aspect of your relationship could be helpful. Building emotional intimacy and trust involves asking questions and remembering the answers.
Most importantly, know things change, so staying updated by asking questions will help you keep track of your partner’s changes.
Sharing fondness and admiration is essential for marital satisfaction. In counseling we teach that there are two components to nurturing fondness and admiration. The first part involves developing a mental habit of noticing things to admire about your partner, things to be proud of and appreciate. It’s important to cultivate this habit of noticing admiration, which contrasts with a critical mindset where you might focus on your partner’s mistakes or what they are not doing.
Secondly, once you’ve observed aspects to appreciate or admire in your partner, it’s crucial to express these sentiments verbally or nonverbally. This expression ensures that your partner knows they are valued and respected.
The aim is to highlight what your partner is doing right or well, fostering feelings of appreciation and respect. For instance, saying, “Thank you for doing that. I really appreciate it.” is a simple yet effective way to convey your admiration.
Set Appreciation Time
Set aside a few minutes each day to express gratitude to your partner. Whether it’s for something they did, a quality you admire, or simply their presence in your life, showing appreciation strengthens your bond and prevents taking each other for granted.
Consider scheduling a daily five-minute appreciation session where you both share what you value about each other. Recognizing your partner’s positive actions increases the likelihood of them recurring in the future.
Married couples naturally communicate their needs, whether through words or gestures. These are attempts to emotionally connect with your partner. In these moments one spouse is seeking the following: attention, interest, conversation, humor, affection, warmth, empathy, assistance, support, and more.
These small instances of emotional connection are deposits into an emotional bank account that accumulate over time. For example, if your partner expresses a desire to learn tennis, responding with “You always say you want to do something but never follow through” would be turning away from emotional connection. However, responding with “Hmm, that sounds like it could be fun!” acknowledges their interest and fosters a great friendship.
A best friend however would probably give a more enthusiastic response such as, “You would excel at tennis! Let’s play together sometime.” Everyday married couples have these interactions and the goal is to consistently build up an emotional bank account through acts of love and affection.
The basic concept of turning toward requires heightened awareness and mindfulness regarding how your partner expresses their needs (love languages) and recognizing the underlying longing behind them, even when it may seem negative or unclear.
Gottman’s research revealed turning toward each other is an essential predictor of divorce. His research showed that couples who divorced six years after their wedding only responded positively to each other’s bids for connection 33% of the time, while those in a lasting marriage had a much higher rate of 86%. Additionally, the study indicated that turning toward each other was associated with increased affection and humor, even during conflict.
Chances are you got married because you had fun together. You still know how to have fun you just need to do it together. If you’ve noticed a lack of fun and tension in your interactions with your partner lately, you don’t have to wait for things to improve on their own. It’s essential to take proactive steps to create positive moments in your relationship starting now. So go home and be fun (grab wine, whiskey, ice cream, etc., and do and be fun)!
In reference to fun set aside dedicated time to spend with your partner, free from distractions like kids, family, or friends. Date nights don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Simple activities like watching the sunset, having a picnic in the park, or taking a scenic walk together can create positive interactions.
Also remember that date “night” doesn’t have to be limited to the evening—it can happen in the morning or afternoon, too. The key is finding a time that works for both of you amidst your busy schedules.
Whether it’s morning coffee together or an afternoon stroll, any time spent focusing solely on each other counts as a date. Consider turning off or silencing your phones to minimize distractions. Remember, date night isn’t about watching TV at home; it’s about giving each other undivided attention and strengthening your connection.
Allocating time away from daily routines and obligations can significantly contribute to you being friends. Vacations aren’t limited to extravagant trips; they can also involve taking a day off to explore a new neighborhood or local attraction with your partner. The key is to break away from the usual routine and immerse yourself in shared activities that bring joy and excitement.
Exploring new experiences together can be equally rewarding, whether it’s close to home or far away. Like date nights, vacations don’t have to break the bank. You can get creative with your surroundings and find hidden gems nearby.
Regardless of where you reside, there are bound to be numerous sights and experiences you haven’t yet explored with your partner.
Establishing mutual respect is another key aspect of cultivating a marital friendship. As mentioned earlier, fostering fondness and admiration contributes to this respect, so it’s important to bear that in mind as we delve further into this topic.
Respect can hold varying meanings for individuals across different cultures, and even within a single culture due to differing values and beliefs. This diversity can pose challenges, particularly when trying to respect beliefs or values that may not align with our own understanding or logic.
Cultivating respect for others’ beliefs, even when they diverge from our own or seem incomprehensible, is a valuable skill. This ability to respect each other’s differences can serve as a useful tool during arguments and disagreements with your partner.
Often, conflicts arise due to differences in opinions or an inability to accept those differences. Therefore, learning to respect and acknowledge diverse perspectives can help navigate such situations more effectively.
It’s sadly common to witness individuals in relationships engaging in disrespectful behaviors towards each other. This can manifest in various ways, such as name-calling, belittling, being condescending, or disregarding each other’s requests. Interestingly, in many of these cases, there’s a paradoxical desire for respect despite the disrespectful behaviors being exhibited.
Respect is a two-way street: if you want your partner to respect you, it’s essential to demonstrate respect yourself. Here are some practical ways you can show respect towards your partner.
Being mindful of your words is crucial because once spoken, they cannot be unsaid. Insults or name-calling tend to escalate conflicts rather than resolve them, leading to more aggression or fear (for further insights, check out our blog on Communication).
When engaging in conversations with your spouse, consider the outcome you aim to achieve and strive to communicate diplomatically. Just as you exercise diplomacy in professional settings, applying the same approach with your partner can foster understanding and respect in your relationship.
Similar to expressing fondness and admiration, recognizing and acknowledging your partner’s positive actions within the relationship can contribute to reducing defensive reactions and fostering more respectful and constructive interactions between you both.
Boundaries are like guidelines that outline acceptable behavior within a healthy marriage. They establish unofficial rules about what should be respected and avoided. Respecting your partner’s boundaries concerning personal space, time spent together or apart, and the level of physical intimacy they’re comfortable with demonstrates respect.
Being open to compromise is a sign of respect because it means you’re willing to set aside your own preferences or needs for the sake of the relationship. It shows that you prioritize your partner and the relationship itself. Compromise adds necessary flexibility to your relationship, preventing every disagreement with one another from turning into a conflict.
Showing consideration for your partner’s everyday responsibilities, like working late or doing housework, is another way to demonstrate respect. You can do this by being thoughtful and acknowledging your partner’s efforts to maintain the household, take care of chores, or manage work responsibilities.
Apologizing when you’re wrong doesn’t diminish your self-worth; rather, it strengthens respect and love in the relationship. We all make mistakes, and admitting them is a sign of maturity and integrity. However, excessive apologies may indicate low self-esteem and insecurities, which can be addressed by working on building self-confidence for a healthier relationship dynamic.
If you’re feeling a lack of respect from your partner, it’s essential to reflect on yourself and consider the following aspects:
Assessing these areas can provide insight into the dynamics of your relationship and help you determine the necessary steps to address any issues.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s crucial to reach out to a trusted confidant or consider seeking professional support, particularly if you’re experiencing abuse. Your safety and well-being are paramount, and there are resources available to assist you in navigating difficult situations. Don’t hesitate to seek help and support.
When you prioritize rebuilding your friendship, you will find that other aspects of your relationship, like communication and intimacy, also begin to improve. Not to mention that nurturing your friendship will serve as a buffer against the negative interactions you may encounter with your partner. While every couple faces challenges and disagreements, having a solid friendship makes it easier to weather these tough times together.
Arguments, lack of respect (both given and received), lack of communication, lack of romantic and physical satisfaction, etc., are all areas we typically struggle with when we start neglecting our friendship with our spouse.
After delving into this blog, I hope you can pinpoint ideas to use to foster a deep friendship with one another. This bond will support you during conflict and disagreements but also cultivate loyalty and trust between you and your partner.
