Goodbye Pain: Building a Real Foundation in a Relationship

A Must-Read Guide for Couples Ready to Create a Foundation of Trust, Connection, and Unbreakable Love

A healthy relationship in which two individuals are connected beneath the surface is what so many of us are eager to find.  However, the ways in which we determine compatibility are not congruent with a healthy relationship. There are a lot of people who are suffering due to the compatibility issues that we find down the road.

Our perception of what we think is priority one in a relationship is actually priority two. This is why we still run into unhealthy relationships and feel like no matter what we do; we get the same results. 

For example, some of us think finding a man or woman who is ambitious is considered priority one while finding a man or woman who has a career/job is priority two or vice versa.    

When in fact, these two examples are still on the surface, thus the reason for getting the same results. Always remember no matter what we change on the surface, we will get the same results. As soon as we realize that the surface is not the priority one, our perception of relationships will change drastically, as well as our perception of life. 

Below the surface is priority one and where your foundational questions take root. Above the surface is priority two and where your surface questions are. At this point, you must be curious to know what priorities one and two are, right?    

What Are The Priorities To Build A Solid Foundation?

Priority one is the building block for the foundation and is the essence of what makes you who you are. It is: 

• the combination of your perception of life

• definition of happiness

• emotional integrity

• wisdom from life experiences

• ethics

• life principles in which your life is rooted

What falls under this category is constantly a part of your life; it does not matter the day of the week or what surrounds you externally. What’s inside you is something that no one can take from you; it’s engraved in your spirit.    

What Are The Priorities We Look For Hoping To Build A Solid Foundation?

Priority two is what many people think is priority one; in a sense, it is the complete opposite, meaning priority two is like seasons (they come and go). Priority two is composed of the following: 

• goals

• financial stability

• strength and weakness

• favorite foods

• common hobbies

• music

• movies

• sports

• favorite colors

• employment status

• education level

• favorite novels, etc. 

Do not get me wrong; priority two has its roles; it’s just not the main focus, and it’s definitely not the building blocks for a foundation.    

Let’s use physical attraction, as it plays a role. To those that believe “Looks do not matter; it’s what’s inside that matters,” once again, they do play a role, believe it or not. If you see someone from a distance, you do not say, “Looks like he or she has one heck of a conscientious.” 

Physical attraction can bring two people together, but the words that come out of his or her mouths determine if they stay together. I have talked to quite a few women over the years, and the majority of them had the priority categories mixed up. 

Connecting beneath the surface is what enables two individuals to build and develop healthy relationships. This is the relationship that most people visualize. People can utilize what is at their foundation (Priority one) to determine compatibility with someone else. 

Leveraging Your Priorities To Make A Foundation

We should use our foundation to form questions and great conversation when you meet someone. Hence, why it’s so important to know what’s at your foundation. Without connecting beneath the surface, you end up with very shallow relationships, ones that probably make you say, “Why can’t I ever have a real relationship?” 

It’s better to connect with someone at their foundation and have nothing on the surface in common; than having commonalities on the surface and not connecting at the foundation. Priority one is like the main meal, and priority two is like the side dishes. 

We’re content with the main meal and can do without all the sides. However, we cannot get full off of just the side dishes. When we do have just the side dishes, we still feel like something is missing. That makes sense, right?

How We Start Relationships From A Bad Foundation

Have you ever noticed that the last few people you dated were all the same? If so, chances are you have asked yourself, “What am I doing wrong, or what should I do differently to avoid dating men or women like this”? 

If we ask friends, they may say, “The problem is the type of men or women you’re attracting, and once you realize that, you won’t run into any more issues!”

In taking their advice, you probably noticed a common trait or characteristic between the men or women you’ve dated. You wind up telling yourself that you’re dating someone the complete opposite in the future!

The problem with this line of thinking is that we associate specific characteristics with people that were initially formed from misconstrued labels, creating a false narrative.

How We Place Characteristics on People That Aren’t True

Say we notice that the last few men or women we dated didn’t have a job or career, and we did have a job or career. We may tell ourselves, “The last man or woman didn’t have a job/career, so that’s why he or she didn’t understand about having priorities, being goal-oriented, being financially stable, etc.”. 

So we say, “The next time I date a man or woman, he or she must have a job/career in order to date me.” We ended up associating characteristics like priorities, goals, and financial stability with jobs/careers. Thinking that if an individual has a job or career, they’ll possess these characteristics. 

Well, that’s not always the case, right? So what do we do next?    

We repeat the same analysis, except we may ask someone else for his or her opinion, or someone else may volunteer his or her opinion for us. Sometimes those that are on the outside can see things about us that we cannot see for ourselves; that’s why we ask for their help. 

We repeat the same analysis, except we may ask someone else for their opinion this time.

He or she may say, “You’re a man or woman of God, and the problem is, all your past relationships are with men or women that didn’t put God first. So what you need to do is find a ‘Church going’ man or woman”. So we say to ourselves, “That’s right! Then he or she will have: faith, patience, compassion, morals, etc.”. 

Once again, we would love to believe that all men and women who go to church have the above characteristics, but not all do, especially when it comes to morals. Do not misinterpret my words; I’m focusing on what characteristics that we make associations with. 

Of course, people want a quick way to assess an individual and complete that check in the box for morals. But, when it comes to qualities such as morals, there is no easy way out to determine if someone has morals. You find out if someone has morals through observation and listening. One of the beauties about morals is that actions speak a heck of a lot louder than words. 

Anyone can say they have morals, but their actions will tell you even better. Observing how a person handles their experiences and the choices they make in life will show you if they have morals; also, by listening to a person telling you about their life lessons and listening to the words spoken to you.

Check For Morals!

Possessing morals is not one of the qualities that you can easily make word associations with and complete a check-in-a-box. Good ole fashioned conversation can tell you a lot about a person if people can have the patience to have face-to-face conversations and not through text messaging. 

Stop Focusing On The External If You’re Looking For A Relationship

As most people date, they are focused externally on what all the people they dated had in common. Instead, this person should shift their perspective and focus on them being the common denominator. Then you can focus on the conversations you have had and determine a common theme.

As you travel down this rabbit trail, you may find that it wasn’t the conversations that were the problem with your relationships. The problems stem from your perception of life, a central theme in all conversations. In other words, the subject matter for our conversations is based on our perception of life.

Hence the AHA.. moment when you realize that your perception of life and your observations of life are at my foundation. I learned two important things about life in general and myself.

What Do Perceptions Have To Do With It?

Our perceptions of life are like umbrellas; our observations from every aspect of life are covered under our perceptions. Every decision we make in life, every experience we face, our emotional response to those experiences, and the quality of knowledge that was learned from our experiences, are all based on our perceptions of life. 

Therefore, if two people have different perceptions of life or one does not have a perception of life, then the two individuals will run into a lot of issues. Learning this about life often makes me wonder if people are wandering around aimlessly.    

As far as what I learned about myself, I now have one question from my foundation to ask everyone (friends, family, etc.) . The question is, “What are your observations of life?” I can use this question to determine if someone is compatible with me at the foundation level, beneath the surface.

Application: Instead of dating someone for weeks, months, etc., and finding out how they perceive life isn't compatible with you, start finding out immediately. Hence you can create a healthier foundation for the relationship from the start.