“Men always want to be a woman’s first love; women like to be a man’s last romance.” Oscar Wilde
Do you remember how lovely your romance was early on? How natural it seemed to be romantic without any effort or planning. How you longed for each other, how quickly time flew when you were together, and how it dragged on when you were apart.
As time passed and responsibilities and distractions got in the way, you likely began to make less effort to plan for romance, which resulted in feeling disconnected and less desired.
Get ready to bring back those first-date vibes! We’ve got a list of questions and topics to help you rediscover the excitement. Let’s reignite that spark—ready for it?
To Rekindle Love Start By Analyzing Where You Are
Before we dive into these questions to ask your spouse, we want you to understand how connected you both currently feel?
On a scale from 1-10 you both should write a number down (without showing each other).
After spending intentional time together and asking each other questions, I want you to come back and do the same exercise.
How should I ask my spouse these questions?
Create a habit: At a similar time each day, make a pot of tea or another soothing drink and find a comfortable, quiet place to sit. Light a candle, give each other a hug and a smile, and begin a conversation.
At whatever time you pick you will go through the sections below and ask each other the ten questions and then the next day, you will move on to the next section and repeat.
Remember to be open, respectful, and non-judgmental.
Why do we lose that romantic feeling?
I have often seen couples who very naturally nurture and maintain the things in life that they value. But 9/10 while in a session they will say that they cannot find the time for a date night, yet they manage to find the time and energy to attend to their homes, cars, gardens, friends, children and bodies.
They sometimes even feel guilty if they take time away from these other things and give it to the relationship, yet they complain that their relationship is lacking romance and connection.
Related Reading: Why Relationships Fail
When you and your partner understand that nurturing your romance takes real effort and that it must be a priority, the stronger your friendship and connection will be.
Related Reading: How To Make Your Relationship A Priority
The following questions focus on the romance in your relationship and creating opportunities to keep the spark alive.
What questions to ask when reconnecting?
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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How do you define romance?
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What is romantic to you?
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Were your parents romantic?
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How often do you think we should experience romance?
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Do you think the romance has changed in our relationship?
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Do you think we should be equally responsible for creating opportunities for romance?
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Do you think one of us is more romantic than the other?
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Do you feel more romantic when we are away from home?
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What was the last romantic moment you remember us having?
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What can I do to create more romance in our relationship?
For extra credit, ask each other:
-How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-How did it feel to share answers
-Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
How to Restore the Spark in Your Relationship?
Chances are that your relationship needs rekindling because it is lacking in some core areas. Addressing these fundamental aspects can help you reconnect and strengthen your bond. We will explore questions on the following topics to help you revive your love story:
-Cultivating Joy and Gratitude
-Building Mutual Respect
-Embracing Forgiveness
-Facing Challenges and Losses Together
Cultivating Joy and Gratitude In Your Relationship
Do you remember the joy being around your spouse brought you? Furthermore do you remember how grateful you were for him or her? When a couple experiences joyful moments together and are grateful for each other are more able to tolerate distressing times in life. Hence why it is important to talk about what brings you joy and what you are grateful for to create more opportunity for both in your relationship.
“All animals, except for man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.”- Samuel Butler
If you were lucky enough to have grown up in a happy home, you are most likely able to find joy and gratitude in your life quite easily. As an infant and child, you could have fun easily, batting at a mobile hanging above your crib, smiling as you mastered rolling over, squealing with joy as you were chased around by mom or dad at bedtime, or kicking the can with the neighborhood kids.
Even as a teenager, you most likely sought out friends and fun to balance the stress of homework and studying. Unfortunately, as you settled into adulthood, you might have begun to believe that you didn’t have time to do the things that bring you joy and that it was more important to be productive.
Not only does the lack of joy in your life impact your mood, but it can also keep you from experiencing joy and gratitude in your relationship. I have found in my practice that couples who can let go of the to-do list, slow down, and be present are more able to be grateful for each other and do the little things that make them feel connected and loved.
As a result these couples can tolerate distress and even a crisis in life due to the security of knowing they are in it together. If you are willing to make the time to engage in what brings you joy, or at least willing to explore what that might be should you not know, it will be a gift to your emotional, spiritual, and physical health, as well as to the health of your relationship.
The following conversation focuses on what brings each of you joy and how to create more joy and gratitude in your relationship.
Questions To Ask Your Spouse To Cultivate Joy and Gratitude
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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What is your most joyful memory as a child?
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What brings you joy now (go into as much detail as possible)?
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Do you think we make enough time for joy in our relationship?
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Do I make you feel joyful? Why or why not?
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Do you feel that you have much to be grateful for?
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What do you feel grateful for?
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When you look at the world, do you see much to be grateful for?
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Do you find yourself becoming more grateful for people and situations as you get older?
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Do you think we should set aside time each week to talk about what we are grateful for?
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Is there anything I can do to help bring more joy and gratitude to our lives?
For extra credit, ask each other:
-How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-How did it feel to share answers
-Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Building Mutual Respect Is A Big Deal
When you feel respected by your partner, you can be your genuine self and experience a strong sense of friendship and connection. Having a conversation about how respected you each feel will help you make any improvements you need and feel closer and more valued in the relationship.”
You should respect each other and refrain from disputes; you should not, like water and oil, repel each other, but should, like milk and water, mingle together.” -Gautama Siddharta
Respect is a cornerstone of a healthy, strong, connected relationship. When you feel respected, you are able to be your genuine, imperfect self in your relationship and are more likely to act respectfully to your partner.
I am sure if I had met you at the beginning of your relationship, you would have told me many things that you admired and respected about your partner. Unfortunately, over time, you and your partner might have started focusing on each other’s weaknesses or the traits you found annoying and unknowingly begun to lose respect for each other.
Disrespect is often communicated non-verbally through gestures, body language, tone of voice, and attitude. One partner may suddenly feel a negative vibe; many times, the other denies this, resulting in great confusion.
How Disrespect Looks In A Marriage
In a couple’s session, disrespect might look something like this: Stephanie says, “I was having trouble understanding the directions, and when I asked you a question, you were so short, glared, and grabbed the sheet from me.”
Then Stephen responds, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just trying to help; you’re so sensitive all the time.” Stephanie starts looking down, tearing up, and I would say, “Stephanie, what do you feel like at those moments when he’s short with you?” She responds, “I just feel like a loser, and then I get mad and wonder why I even bother asking him things.”
After a little processing and some gentle prodding, Stephen admits, “I guess. . .sometimes at those moments, even though I would never say it to her, I do think. . .she’s sort of foolish.”
Once we have all these emotional truths on the table, we can begin to challenge those beliefs, explore how they have damaged the connection, and work toward creating a more respectful relationship.
When you and your partner treat each other with respect and admiration, you reinforce the friendship, caring, and connection in your relationship. The following conversation focuses on how you each experience respect in your relationship to create a firm foundation going forward.
Questions To Ask Your Spouse To Cultivate Respect
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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Do you feel safe to be your genuine, imperfect self with me?
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Do I respect your suggestions?
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Do I ever second-guess your decisions?
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Do you feel like I have your back?
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Am I ever rude to you?
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Do I show you that I appreciate you?
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Do you think that I take you seriously?
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Do I treat you with as much respect now as I did early in our relationship?
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Do I make you feel special?
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Is there anything else I can do to show you more respect?
For extra credit, ask each other:
-How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-How did it feel to share answers
-Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Are You Both Embracing Forgiveness?
In every relationship, there are times when feelings are hurt. Couples who are able to offer apologies and forgive are able to endure and grow from those difficult experiences. Having a conversation about the importance of apologies and forgiveness will help you to create a more caring, compassionate, and connected relationship.
“The heart that knows how to bow down and say sorry is the heart that loves the most.” -Nishan Punwar
Regardless of how mindful and caring you are in your relationship, you will hurt and be hurt by one another at some point along the way. A relationship injury can be as subtle as not noticing when your partner has had a hard day and needs a hug, or as overt as forgetting your anniversary.
You may be someone who naturally shows compassion and remorse for hurting your partner, or you may instead quickly jump into a defensive mode, finding excuses for your behavior, which ultimately invalidates your partner’s feelings. The ability to apologize and forgive is crucial in a relationship.
Unfortunately, some people think that apologizing means they are admitting that they are inferior and weak and, therefore, choose to dig their feet in and dismiss their partner’s feelings.
If you take this approach, you will only hurt your partner and harm the connection in your relationship. It’s important to understand that an apology is not an act of submission but an act of caring.
Why We Must Apologize
Taking accountability for your actions or lack thereof and communicating to your partner that “I see that my actions hurt you and that matters to me” is an incredibly caring gesture that validates your partner’s feelings and helps get your relationship back on the path to connection.
In turn, forgiveness requires a decision to let go of resentment and any thought of revenge. You may find this very difficult to do, as you might believe it minimizes the hurt you experienced.
It will help if you can see it instead as a tool to release the grip that hurt and anger have on you so that you can move forward in the relationship. Hanging onto anger creates resentment in the relationship and also chips away at the connection you have.
Seeing forgiveness not as passive acceptance of the hurt you’ve experienced but as an active effort to see us all as flawed human beings will allow you to have compassion for your partner while also holding them accountable.
I have seen couples in my practice who have experienced great pain in the relationship and were able to heal over time through a combination of apologies and forgiveness. The following conversation focuses on your ability to apologize and forgive and how to make it easier for you to do so going forward.
Questions To Ask Your Spouse To Cultivate Forgiveness
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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Do you see apologizing as acting weak or inferior?
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Were your parents able to apologize to you?
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Did you ever see your parents apologize and forgive each other?
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Has there been a time in our relationship when I have hurt you and not offered you the apology you needed?
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Do you think it is compassionate to forgive others?
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Do you think it is possible to hold others accountable and still forgive them?
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If you apologized to your parents, were they able to forgive you?
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Do you think I am a forgiving person?
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Is there anything that you feel I haven’t forgiven you for?
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Is there anything that I can do to make it easier for you to apologize or to forgive?
For extra credit, ask each other:
-How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-How did it feel to share answers
-Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Facing Challenges and Losses Together
In your relationship, there will be times when one of you experiences a challenge, setback, or loss that cannot be healed or remedied by the other, and instead, what you will need is for your partner to be non-judgmental, supportive, and empathic.
Having a conversation about struggles you have had or are having and how you relate to each other at those times will help you to be better partners and to feel more validated, cared for, and connected then and always.”
“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.” – Sigmund Freud
Despite our best efforts to avoid them, we will all experience challenges, setbacks, and loss, and there are many different kinds of loss.
Throughout our lifetime, we may experience loss of financial stability, jobs, homes, identity, health, dreams, friends, and, of course, the most acute loss and grief–when a loved one dies. However, we also grieve the loss of seemingly simple things, like transitioning to a new home.
As we transition from one stage to another, we may grieve the loss of past chapters. But it’s important to remember that these transitions also offer opportunities for growth and resilience.
No matter the change, it is vital to your relationship to trust your partner to support you when you feel the fear, sadness, and anxiety that can result from the challenges, setbacks, and loss that life delivers.
I have witnessed in my practice the devastation that can result when one partner struggles with a personal crisis, and the other is unwilling or unable to support them emotionally. The subsequent sense of loneliness and abandonment often severs the connection in the relationship, and it cannot always be repaired.
It’s true that you may not be able to solve your partner’s problems or heal their pain, but your presence, your willingness to listen, to love, and to validate their feelings, can offer them the emotional support they need. This support can deepen your connection and open a path to healing, underscoring the vital role you play in your partner’s life.
The following conversation focuses on addressing any challenges, setbacks, or losses you have experienced or are experiencing now and on how you can be emotionally supportive of each other in the future.
Questions To Ask Your Spouse To Navigate Challenges, Setbacks and Loss
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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What is your first memory of loss, large or small?
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Were you comforted by anyone?
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What challenges did your family experience while you were growing up?
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How did your parents cope with the challenges?
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Have there been any especially difficult transitional times in your life so far?
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Are you experiencing any challenges, setbacks or fears now?
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When you are having a difficult time am I a good listener and do you feel validated and supported? Is there a time when I could have been more supportive of you?
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Do you feel comfortable listening to and being supportive of me when I am having difficulties?
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Is there anything we can do as a couple to cope better with challenges, setbacks and loss in our life?
For extra credit, ask each other:
-How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
-How did it feel to share answers
-Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
-What did you learn about yourself and each other?
-How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Conclusion
While most of us would love to ask questions about basic things like our most terrible memory, the fictional character we want to be, or who we want to be our dinner guest, we must realize that delving into these trivial matters will not revive the spark that is lost.
While it is great to talk about your most embarrassing moment or favorite childhood memory as they are part of your life story, we must remember that a relationship is built on the intimacy you can create moving forward.
Throughout all of human history, we have all had terrible memories, typically recalling only the positive characteristics about ourselves and the negative ones about others. So, instead of focusing on your most treasured memory, explore these deep questions to rekindle love: dive deeper, be vulnerable, and explore the hurts, pains, and challenges that have fractured your relationship.
