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Imagine the joy of sharing a deep, fulfilling connection with your partner, a bond that transcends the physical and touches your very soul. Now, consider the gnawing emptiness that seeps in when that connection starts to fracture, leaving you feeling adrift and alone even when you’re together. This is the stark reality for 50% of marriages that end in divorce or separation, often due to a lack of intimacy.
Intimacy – a word that encapsulates the beautiful tapestry of shared experiences, emotions, thoughts, and dreams. It’s the spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional, creative, and experiential threads that weave together to form a closeness that satisfies our deepest human need for connection.
But the tapestry unravels when we neglect to nurture these different facets of intimacy. We start to feel isolated, misunderstood, and distant from our partners. This is the heart-wrenching fallout of intimacy issues.
Picture this: you’re looking at your partner, the one you’ve pledged to love and cherish. But instead of the warmth of affection, your heart is heavy with negative emotions – anger, resentment, disappointment, hurt, even betrayal. These feelings cast a long, dark shadow over your relationship, chilling your once vibrant romantic desire into a cold, distant memory.
Related Reading: How To Healthily Express Anger In Relationships
These emotions act like destructive termites, gnawing away at the foundation of your romantic relationship. As they burrow deeper, they suppress your sexual desire, leaving behind a hollow emptiness where once there was a passionate connection. This is the silent, insidious nature of intimacy issues.
Let’s begin by gently probing your heart and mind. Could any of these negative emotions have quietly planted seeds in the garden of your marriage? Let’s explore this together through a few soul-searching questions:
Are you often replaying your spouse’s past hurtful behavior, either in your thoughts or verbally?
Do you attempt to tackle problematic matters only to feel as though your spouse is excluding you?
Do you regularly sense a lack of support from your spouse towards you and your emotions?
Do you perceive your spouse as frequently being controlling or overly critical, and does this incite anger within you?
Are you frequently let down by your spouse’s actions yet choose to keep your feelings bottled up?
If you respond affirmatively to any of these questions, negative emotions will likely prevent you from desiring a closer connection with your spouse. It will be necessary for you to confront and resolve the issues that are troubling you.
A common intimacy issue occurs when couples constantly argue. Granted, it’s a given that when two individuals share a living space, differences of opinion and disagreements are bound to occur. This is simply the essence of all relationships. The person one marries is not an identical copy, and it’s unrealistic to expect constant agreement on all matters.
Nonetheless, dealing with conflict can be a complex affair. Those who master its management tend to foster romantic relationships filled with love, care, and emotional intimacy.
Conversely, those who don’t often find themselves perpetually embroiled in arguments or dodging conflict at all costs lack emotional intimacy. Some individuals are so resolute in avoiding conflict that they suppress their disagreements or marital dissatisfaction, choosing to internalize these feelings.
These individuals bottle up negative emotions to prevent any situation from inciting their spouse’s anger and subsequent backlash. Those who habitually avoid conflict often believe they contribute positively by suppressing their emotions. However, the stark reality is that they are causing harm to themselves and, in turn, contributing to the deterioration of their marriages.
Consistently suppressing negative emotions towards your spouse and their actions is a surefire way to extinguish any spark of desire for emotional and physical connection. It’s an unsustainable practice that inevitably erodes the foundations of intimacy. It simply cannot be done without severe repercussions.
Watch Out For The Over-Assertiveness Trap
Although we highlighted how internalizing negative emotions can erode your desire for closeness with your spouse, it’s also crucial to warn you about the pitfall of over-assertiveness.
I’ve encountered numerous individuals who, upon realizing they’ve been excessively accommodating in their marital roles, overcompensate by becoming overly assertive on all matters.
They react with disproportionate anger to minor issues, such as a wet towel left on the floor or a slight delay in dinner plans, equating these with more significant transgressions like cheating or inappropriate flirting at a party. Any infraction, mild or otherwise, prompts an immediate “I’m angry, and I’m not going to take it anymore” reaction.
Here’s an important piece of advice: adopting a confrontational approach in marriage, where every issue is addressed bluntly and without tact, is a recipe for catastrophe. This method is unfair and unrealistic and will probably leave you and your spouse in a state of constant anger – a condition far from conducive to fostering intimacy.
Given that conflict is an unavoidable aspect of every marriage, one of the essential skills required by every married individual is the capacity to reconcile and forgive. While disagreements are common to all, not everyone can release the negative emotions typically associated with such disputes.
Certain individuals cling indefinitely to feelings of pain and resentment. They maintain a tally of wrongs. Even the slightest unkindness or thoughtlessness triggers a barrage of past mistakes, creating an exhaustive list that stretches on endlessly.
Drawing from my extensive experience in marriage counseling, I can assertively state that harboring resentments is among the most potent desire extinguishers I’ve ever encountered.
At times, releasing past grievances may seem like an insurmountable task, particularly when the pain inflicted is immense. Acts of betrayal, like infidelity, can shake the very core of romantic relationships. Forgiveness, moving forward, and regaining intimacy can be a complicated undertaking.
If a significant betrayal has caused your sexual desire to decrease drastically, or if unresolved critical issues with your spouse prevent you from rekindling your love for each other, it’s crucial to seek professional assistance.
For a desire to be cultivated, the object of that desire must be enjoyable. If sex loses its pleasure or becomes monotonous, the desire for it will inevitably fade. Sometimes, the lack of pleasure during sex is because one or both partners are unaware of what excites their spouse. They may lack sufficient sexual prowess and may not have concrete, beneficial knowledge about their bodies functioning.
A common misconception is that satisfying sex naturally occurs without effort. While we are biologically inclined to engage in sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean we are inherently equipped to have a fulfilling sexual relationship.
The reality is a couple must learn together along the way.
However, given the common assumption that individuals should inherently possess all sexual knowledge, when issues arise in this area, they are often attributed to poor relationships or health conditions rather than recognizing it could simply be a deficiency in sexual proficiency.
If your sexual relationship isn’t satisfying, before you read too much into it, ask each other the questions below to start determining what you like.
What would constitute “perfect” sex for you?
What are 3 words that describe your favorite kind of sex?
What do you like to do during foreplay?
What is your favorite position?
What gets you in the mood the most?
What turns you on the most during sex?
If it were completely up to you, how many times a week would you want to have sex?
Where’s your favorite place to be touched?
If you could only tell a partner one thing about what you want during sex, what would it be?
What toys are you interested in but nervous about trying?
Share something you were once afraid of trying but ended up loving.
Do you know what never ceases to surprise me?
How many couples, even after years of marriage, raising children together, experiencing each other’s morning breath, and witnessing each other in less flattering circumstances, still find the idea of discussing sex extremely embarrassing or even terrifying.
When I inquire about their intimate activities, such as touching, kissing, or making love, the couples often exhibit signs of discomfort and fear. At first, I thought their unease stemmed from the fact that I, a complete outsider, was asking them to share deeply personal details. Occasionally this was the case.
Yet, surprisingly, many of these couples admitted that they never had such intimate conversations, even within the privacy of their own bedrooms! Despite years of being together, they still felt too self-conscious to do so.
Yikes!
How is it possible to share intimacy with someone yet refrain from discussing those very intimate interactions?
I’ve witnessed remarkable transformations in marriages when couples begin to communicate openly. Misunderstandings are resolved, and goodwill is restored. Moreover, when this newfound openness about sexual discussions is combined with a desire to enhance one’s sexual knowledge, issues related to sexual desire frequently become obsolete.
Related Reading: How To Talk About Sex
Apart from the complex issues within intimate relationships, there is a more widespread reason why millions lose their sexual desire. This is linked to the distinct ways in which many men and women perceive and attain intimacy. If there’s a gender divide that truly exists, it’s definitely this one.
While you explore this phenomenon, remember that it is a broad generalization. Like most other generalizations and stereotypes, the reality in your own marriage may be quite different. If so, just substitute the words man for woman or his for her and vice versa. Don’t get overly concerned about the fact that I’m making generalizations. Simply absorb what is relevant to you and disregard the rest.
A Catch-22
If you’re a woman and similar to many others, you might need to feel an emotional closeness with your husband to be turned on by him.
If you’re a woman, closeness for you might involve spending quality time together and participating in substantial conversations. It’s about feeling prioritized over his job, sports, friends, and time spent on the computer.
Your conversations need to go beyond practical discussions like “Who’s driving the kids to ballet today?” or “What’s for dinner?” For you, profound conversations can be akin to foreplay.
A woman’s sexual desire can often be gauged by her husband’s willingness to get close to operating in a “woman’s style.”
Related Reading: His Need’s & Her Need'sIt’s a relatively simple idea that not enough highly sexed men know.
But there’s a flip side to this idea.
Many men don’t appear to derive the same satisfaction from conversation as women do. It’s not that men lack the need for closeness with others. They absolutely do. It’s just that their approach often differs from that of women.
Consider this: if a man wants to feel closer to his friends, does he call them up and invite them for lunch to chat? Likely not. Instead, they engage in activities together—be it playing golf or tennis, attending a football game, hunting, or fishing. Men tend to foster closeness with others through shared activities rather than verbal communication.
Related Reading: What Makes Men Feel Cared About Indeed, many men believe that excessive talking can disrupt intimate moments. Your husband needs to feel a connection with you, but for him, your physical relationship, rather than your conversations, strengthens your bond. Any type of physical contact—be it touching, kissing, petting, making love, or quick, intimate moments—helps your husband feel more connected to you.
Once a man feels connected to his wife in his own way, he is more inclined to fulfill your need for meaningful conversation and quality time together.
However, you don’t need a psychology degree to see the unfortunate paradox in this situation.
Women often need to feel emotionally fulfilled to feel sexually aroused or motivated to satisfy their partners physically. Conversely, men need to feel satisfied in sexually to be committed to fulfilling their wives’ emotional needs. This leads to a stalemate situation where progress seems impossible.
Men who are deprived of sex often wait for their wives to become more sensual, playful, and responsive to their sexual overtures before they invest energy into their “emotional closeness.” They become emotionally distant, spending excessive time watching television. They leave their soda cans around the family room, neglect their parental duties, and become reticent.
This situation leaves women feeling starved for communication.
Women who are deprived of meaningful communication often feel disheartened, slighted, and resentful. They may experience panic attacks, bouts of crying, irregular eating habits, disturbed sleep, and might frequently wear their most comfortable but less appealing sweat suits. They may resort to nagging, criticism, and most importantly, they may close the door to intimacy. Their desire simply diminishes. When men become unresponsive, women switch off. And when women switch off, men disengage, creating a cycle.
While you might be keenly aware of how your husband’s irritable, unresponsive, and distant behavior affects your desire for him, you may not fully realize how your diminished desire impacts his enthusiasm for your marriage and his motivation to make you happy.
If this situation resonates with you, my upcoming words might be tough to take in, but it’s crucial to comprehend your part in this unfortunate cycle.
You need to identify how your actions are obstructing any genuine intimacy and connection with your husband and how this lack of closeness is contributing to your feelings of being unattractive.
When I explain this predicament to women, they frequently respond with, “I can’t comprehend how my husband could be interested in sex when we’re not emotionally connected.” If you’ve pondered over this, you’ve likely arrived at the following inference.
Related Reading: How A Man Falls In Love You may surmise that your husband desires sex because, for him, it’s akin to relieving an itch, a purely physical need. It wouldn’t be surprising if you believed this, as many women do.
IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE ON MY BLOG, READ THE NEXT FEW PARAGRAPHS. It may save your marriage.
I firmly believe that one of the most significant misconceptions about sex is the assumption many women make that men desire sex merely for a physical release or satisfaction. While it’s true that both men and some women enjoy an occasional swift encounter without much emotional involvement, this isn’t the whole story.
I’ve had the unique opportunity to listen to men (including my husband) express how they truly feel when their wives show no interest. If you’ve been under the impression that your husband wants sex purely for physical gratification, the insights I’ve gathered will likely astonish you.
When men discuss their intimate relationships with their wives, their faces clearly reflect intense emotions. Evidently, it’s a topic that reaches deep into their core. They often begin by explaining the profound impact a healthy physical relationship has on their hearts, minds, and spirits.
They express that when they are intimate with their wives, they feel cherished, accepted, appreciated, and cared for. Speaking from a personal perspective of my husband and countless others, sex for men equates to love. They require physical demonstrations (sex) of love to truly feel that they are loved.
During intimacy, men often allow themselves to experience delicate emotions that typically remain hidden beneath the surface. Their wives’ touches, kisses, and caresses stir feelings of connection and vulnerability, reinforcing their love for their partners. Men need to feel that a woman still finds them irresistibly attractive. A solid sexual relationship does wonders for a man’s self-esteem and sense of masculinity.
There’s little that erodes a man’s self-confidence and sense of masculinity more than the persistent rejections from his wife.
I will never forget when I started to refuse sex on a regular basis; due to being tired (cooking, cleaning, working, taking care of the kids). After so many times, Joshua finally told me that:
He was hurt that I didn’t want him.
He became afraid to ask for sex for fear of rejection.
Due to my rejection, he started to think about the following:
other women
masturbation
& porn
Gladly he decided to tell me before acting on any of these, and we were able to course correct, but it wasn’t an easy conversation for me to hear, and I am sure it was not easy to express himself.
When men face rejection, it feels like a personal dismissal, not just a refusal of the act—the rejection stings. With time, most men decide that it’s best to avoid the pain by not initiating unless there’s a high probability of acceptance. You know, under those perfect conditions, if it’s:
A weekend night, not too late.
The children have gone to bed early or are spending the night at a friend’s place.
We’ve had a pleasant day together.
It’s the more favorable half of the month (indeed, half).
He has consumed a few drinks to help him forget the pain.
Given that many men are brought up to think their value is gauged by their sexual competence and their capacity to sexually satisfy their spouses, they can feel distinctly “less masculine” when sex turns into a problem area. This can lead them to feel depressed and experience a sense of shame.
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A significant reason women may not fully comprehend or acknowledge what their husbands go through is that men often refrain from expressing their feelings, particularly insecurity, inadequacy, or vulnerability. They perceive it as a display of weakness to expose these emotions. Instead of addressing their pain directly, they tend to react with anger.
It’s hardly necessary to mention how a man’s anger can impact a woman’s sexual desire. Anger is remarkably efficient at quashing desire.
However, it’s crucial to understand this: if your husband has been displaying anger, nastiness, or unusual criticism, it could be an indication that he’s falling apart internally.
I recently interacted with a woman on the brink of leaving her marriage. Her husband was perpetually angry and treated her poorly, pushing her to consider leaving. Midway through our conversation, I inquired about their sexual intimacy, to which she revealed that they hadn’t been intimate in years.
She told me their eight-year-old daughter had been sharing a bed with her since birth. She never pondered that his anger could be related to their lack of intimate connection. I was convinced that beneath his harsh exterior, he was simply yearning for his wife.
This is not to say that it’s okay to be nasty. It isn’t.
If your spouse is habitually angry, he must learn healthier and more effective ways to communicate his feelings. However, despite his hardened exterior, you must understand that your husband truly needs you and yearns for both physical and emotional closeness with you—more than you could ever comprehend.
It took my husband years before he finally communicated the hurt and rejection in a way that I understood, and I “got it.” Before that, it was just the same old argument: he wanted more, I wanted less.
I was always baffled that he appeared indifferent to the fact that we had been quarreling all day, or I had barely slept for two hours due to a sick child, and so on. Almost any issue could become a reason for me to avoid sex. Admittedly, my reasons were often valid, but I also recognize that sometimes I might have used them to punish my husband for all the perceived injustices he had caused me.
I really didn’t see sex as his way of expressing love for me.
Often, I felt as though it didn’t matter who shared the bed with him; he simply desired intimacy. However, once I truly understood, my perspective shifted dramatically, and I started to enjoy it. I rediscovered my own sexuality. My only regret is wishing that he could have communicated with me in a way I could have comprehended earlier. It could have saved us years of emotional distress.
If your spouse is stuck in angry mode, let me do the talking for them.
His anger serves as a defensive barrier, concealing his pain. Instead of responding to his harsh exterior, delve deeper into his soul. By doing so, you can start to dismantle the barrier that currently stands between you and your spouse, as well as your unexplored sexual desire.
Remember, a lot of men yearn for their wives’ approval, gratitude, and acknowledgment. A woman’s belief in her partner can bolster a man’s confidence, self-esteem, and sense of masculinity. However, when faced with criticism, mockery, or constant nagging from their wives instead of support, they often resort to emotional withdrawal, much like crossing their arms, donning dark sunglasses, and emotionally checking out.
As mentioned before, the dynamic I’ve described often sees a role reversal in many couples. If you’re a man who is the partner with lower desire, you might experience similar feelings to what women go through when their husbands emotionally withdraw or become overly critical. This may result in losing sexual desire for your wife.
I have worked with countless couples where the woman wants sex more than the man.
When women are deprived of sex, they can also become deeply unhappy. They struggle to comprehend why their husbands don’t want to touch them, make love to them, or be physically close.
In some respects, it’s even more challenging for women when they are the spouse with stronger sexual desire because societal expectations often suggest otherwise. Aren’t their husbands supposed to be the ones pursuing them? When this doesn’t occur, women have a particularly difficult time understanding and dealing with the situation.
If you’ve been feeling criticized, misinterpreted, constantly nagged, or belittled, I encourage you to overcome your feelings of resentment and frustration. I urge you to reconnect with humanity and cease to obstruct your wife’s sincere, though perhaps misguided, attempts to reach out to you. Recognize her pain and her yearning.
Comprehend that her self-esteem, dignity, and feminine identity have been under attack. Realize that when she appears at her worst, she’s struggling to find a way to communicate with you.
Her fits of anger, as unattractive as they may seem, are signs of raw pain emerging to the surface. She desires to connect with you, to touch you, and to be touched by you. Dig deep within yourself and find not defensiveness or indifference but empathy.
As you’ve learned, intimacy issues are a complex issue. You’re now aware of some of the questions to ask in order to rekindle your passion for your spouse along with understanding how intimacy issues happen in both genders.