Insecurity in a relationship can be one of the biggest downfalls on the path to long-term happiness with your partner, yet many of us struggle with it daily.
Those who have felt insecure in a relationship will recognize the symptoms of distrust, arguments, low self-esteem and negative self talk that come with it.
This blog aims to offer some helpful advice for people struggling with insecurity in a relationship by inviting the reader to evaluate the roots of their insecurities and then follow some simple steps to help overcome them.
Read on to learn more about how you can tackle your own insecurities to work toward a healthy relationship with your partner.
Why do I always feel insecure in my relationship?
There are many reasons that a person might feel insecure in their relationship, and the absolute priority for anybody wishing to overcome these feelings is to first identify the reason they are feeling insecure.
As feelings of insecurity are subjective, it can be difficult to assess the true cause of these emotions. However, broadly speaking, the causes of feelings of insecurity arise from the following:
1. Appearance
Chances are, if you recognized your relationship insecurity was a personal demon, then your insecurity is the insecurity we all have, our appearance.
Most of us will have features of our body that make us feel insecure or unattractive. In fact, according to a 2014 study by Glamour magazine, 54% of women are unhappy with their bodies, and 80% feel bad when they look in the mirror.
Low self-esteem is not unusual, but for some people, this lack of self-confidence over body image can leak into their current relationship and cause serious issues.
People who feel unattractive may be more likely to question the fidelity of their partner.
How do I overcome insecurity in my relationship about my appearance?
According to a study carried out by the Faculty of Arts at the University of Waterloo in 2014, self-compassion is the best way to overcome insecurities about body image.
So what does this mean?
Self-compassion means accepting your own imperfections. Some of us may never feel that we are the most attractive person in the room, but we certainly need to break the habit of being cruel to ourselves.
It is a bit of a cliché, but no less true, that confidence is attractive.
It is very easy to assume that a partner has become distant or disinterested because you are not attractive or sexy enough when, in truth, the real problem is the energy it takes for a partner to constantly reassure us that we are loved as we are.
If you never accept a compliment, then it can become disheartening for a partner to keep telling you that you are beautiful or sexy or attractive when those compliments are always rejected.
It is good practice when insecurities about body image are affecting your relationship to remind yourself that your partner chooses to be with you.
The fact that they made this choice suggests that in their eyes, you are an attractive person!
To undermine this with self-criticism and denial is a form of rejection of your partner’s affection, and you may find that what has been perceived as disinterest is actually hurt and exhaustion from trying to love someone who doesn’t love him or herself.
Related Reading: How to show self compassion to yourself
Our advice: Start with learning to take a compliment.
Your insecurities about your body, which 80% of us feel – yes, 80 percent! – maybe holding you back from receiving the affection and intimacy that your partner desperately wants to share with you, and this is a much greater issue than any minor imperfection in your body.
When you learn to accept a compliment and all the affection and intimacy that comes with it, you will begin to feel closer to your partner and realize that they are with you because, to them, you are perfect as you are.
2. Personality
As with doubts about our appearance, many of us may feel that we are not interesting or funny enough or that our knowledge of animé, cars or sports is lacking.
If we see our partner sharing an in-joke with a colleague or choosing to have a boys’ night out rather than a cozy night in one too many times, we may begin to question whether we are still capable of engaging our partner.
How do I overcome insecurity in my relationship about my personality?
Often, when people are concerned about losing their partner’s interest, dwindling conversation, or a fading spark, the advice given is always the same: Take up the interests of your partner.
Now, there is a certain value in this. Of course, it is wonderful to be able to share hobbies and interests with your partner, and the likelihood is that you first began a relationship because you shared something in common.
However, as great as it is to share some interests, sometimes it is more valuable to complement your partner’s interests. At the beginning of a relationship, some people try to be perfect and present a personality that will be most appealing to their crush.
Your boyfriend may very well have pretended to love a TV series because you love it when, in fact, he’d much rather be out playing football. This is normal.
Most of us adjust our behavior at the beginning of a relationship to try and make ourselves seem more of a match for that person we have our eye on.
However, as a relationship progresses, keeping up appearances can become a drain, and resentments can build. If your partner suddenly wants to spend much more time with friends or less time following that series you always loved, it does not necessarily mean that the spark has gone but rather that the honeymoon period is over and that they are starting to devote more time to interests which came before you.
Related Reading: The different stages in a relationship
So how can we deal with this?
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is allow our partner space to be themselves so that those resentments and pretenses aren’t prolonged. We can learn to complement our partner’s interests, allowing them to be themselves whilst we develop our own interests.
Two people do not have to share every interest all the time for the relationship to be strong or the feelings to be real. Unfortunately, many people believe that the relationship is doomed simply because the honeymoon is over. The fact is that many of us will start dating and develop tunnel vision in the first few months, focusing all our time, attention, and energy on this one person who has swept us off our feet.
When the tunnel vision clears, however, we can find ourselves missing old friends or hobbies and wanting to reintroduce some of these things into our lives. For some, this can feel like a withdrawal from the relationship and cause a feeling of insecurity.
Our advice: Allow your partner the time and space for their own interests and hobbies.
In time, it will become easier to see if the insecurity was caused by a natural end to the honeymoon phase. HOW? See if there are still strong foundations for a happy, mutually fulfilling relationship or whether there are deeper issues that need to be addressed.
3. Perceived Lack Of Personal Success
Many people feel insecure when evaluating their own personal successes. When a person feels like something is lacking in areas such as career, social life, or life experience, they can become too dependent on a partner to find reassurance that life is heading in the right direction.
When we focus too much attention on our partner, however, this can suffocate the relationship, and the resulting withdrawal of the partner can make us feel insecure about the strength of the relationship.
How do I overcome insecurity in my relationship about my lack of successs?
Allowing our lives to revolve around a partner puts an incredible amount of pressure on that person. Naturally, the other person may want to withdraw to a safer distance, especially in the early days of a relationship when the prospect of a long-term emotional commitment to a needy partner is daunting.
However, we can take some of the pressure off of our partner and off of our relationship by tackling insecurities over ideals of ‘success’. The mistake many of us make is believing that success leads to happiness.
We look at all the different areas of our lives: our relationships, jobs, families, homes, and friendship groups, and try to identify where we are successful and where we are failing.
The thought of failing can lead to fear that unhappiness will follow. This is why many of us will cling to a good relationship out of fear of being ‘unsuccessful’ in our love life.
Yet, the fact is that holding on too tightly can strangle the relationship, and a person can inadvertently damage a good relationship.
However, a review of 225 studies in the Psychological Bulletin found that success does not lead to happiness, but happiness leads to success. This means that if we allow ourselves to be happy, success will follow.
Our Advice: Do not let fear of a failed relationship affect your current one.
Enjoy your partner’s company and let things develop or fade out naturally. Do not believe that a relationship coming to an end is a reflection on you as a person. Sometimes relationships work out; sometimes they don’t.
It is only by searching for happiness that you will find success in your relationships. So, don’t seek impossible perfection, but real contentment with the right person.
4. Your sex life or lack thereOf
In our modern culture of glossy magazines, social media, and internet search engines, it is easy to believe that everybody is having sex all the time.
When we are inundated with sexual imagery in every corner of our lives, it is all too easy to become insecure about our own sex drives. One of the biggest stumbling blocks in new-era relationships is pornography.
Now, some couples enjoy using pornography to enhance their sex life, whilst others want to avoid it at all costs. The problem for many people who do not enjoy pornography, however, is how to approach a sex life with a partner who does.
Related Reading: How pornography effects us
Insecurity is common in couples where one partner enjoys watching porn and the other does not. When a partner is viewing pornographic images, a person can feel pressured to perform in a certain way sexually or project a certain sexual persona.
For some people who don’t use pornography, the thought of their partner viewing sexual images might even be perceived as cheating. So, how do we tackle sexual insecurity in our modern age?
How do I overcome insecurity in my relationship about my sex life?
These are the only two solutions to having a comfortable sex life with a partner who has a different libido or different sexual habits. Compromise is the harder of the two.
You may find that pornography is not for you, but you can accept that your partner may view it. You may be someone who enjoys pornography and has a partner who is more traditional in their sexual views.
Perhaps you are willing to change your viewing habits or agree to be honest in what you are viewing to help your partner. Honesty is crucial.
Insecurity arises from the fear that the characters in pornography are more desirable than we are or willing to do things that we are not. If compromise is ever to work, only communication can facilitate it.
You may wish to set ground rules about the types or extent of pornographic materials viewed or agree on how often or not it appear in the bedroom.
However, suppose arguments about sex recur frequently, and you are consistently feeling insecure and have found that compromise is not possible. In that case, you may need to consider finding a partner who is more sexually compatible.
Related Reading: Are you sexually compatible?
When people feel strong feelings of love and loyalty to a partner, they will often ignore problems in the bedroom. Although problems in the bedroom can be overcome in some instances, in others, different sexual behaviors cannot be changed, and long-term these differences can adversely affect the relationship and the way you feel about yourself and your body.
Allowing insecurities to become exacerbated by sexual differences that are unlikely to change can be damaging to a person’s self-esteem and long-term attitude toward sex.
Ultimately, the individual must decide where to draw the line between compromise and ending the relationship, but it is vital to feel safe and respected in any sexual relationship.
5. The past
For some people, past relationships or traumas can carry into new relationships. Suppose you have been in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship before or been cheated on.
In that case, you may find it hard to trust a new partner or still carry feelings of insecurity caused by the actions of partners in previous relationships.
How do I overcome insecurity in my relationship about my past?
You wouldn’t start running a race on a broken leg, yet many people enter into new relationships while still hurting from an old one. Feelings of low self-esteem, fear, abandonment, or even loss can be obstacles that stand in the way of you connecting with a new partner.
All of these negative emotions can create insecurity about the future of a new relationship that can be destructive. The first thing to do is make sure that you are ready for a new relationship.
Sometimes, when we have been hurt, a rebound can mask the pain, but the problem with this is it never lasts, and, ultimately, those feelings of insecurity we are running from are made worse by being with someone for the wrong reasons.
Give yourself plenty of time and distance to analyze previous relationships, make sure that you are aware of toxic behaviors in previous relationships, and avoid similar patterns in a new relationship.
If you have had a series of bad romances, it may be that you are repeatedly choosing a type of partner with whom you are not compatible. Try not to tread old tracks, as you are likely to stumble across the same pitfalls. You may already have a long-term relationship, but this doesn’t mean that old wounds are healed.
You may find that certain arguments repeat themselves between you and your partner, which stems from insecurities you picked up from previous relationships.
Taking time to think about issues before you bring them to your partner may help you better evaluate whether you are acting on insecurity or whether there is a genuine cause for concern in the relationship.
Seeking the advice of a close friend or family member to lend an objective view to problems may help you to identify times when you are perhaps acting on an insecurity.
The key to changing this behavior is to be willing to listen to such advice and accept that perhaps you are seeing current situations through the lens of previous hurts.
Finally, where taking an objective view of current situations or taking extra time to evaluate your emotions on your own does not help you to identify which behaviors stem from insecurities, you may find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend about your fears and past relationships or even to a counselor or professional.
It is not always easy to confront our past and accept that perhaps we weren’t as victorious over our hurts as we believed we were. Many people carry the hurt from bad relationships with them forever. However, it is by bringing them out into the light of day and analyzing them that we are able to see them for what they truly are.
Old hurts are hard to let go of, but they do not add value to your new relationship and may stand in the way of being open to new love.
Our advice:
- Take the time to look back over old relationships and figure out if past wounds are affecting current relationships.
- Try to recognize patterns from previous relationships and avoid repeating destructive behaviors.
- Find a way to separate the past from the present, either through self-contemplation and talking with a close friend or even your partner or through seeking the help of somebody who can give you practical advice for letting go of old hurts.
- Whatever you do, do not let a lousy romance from the past stand in the way of future relationships.
Conclusion
Our insecurities impact our relationships in several ways. Luckily, there are steps to take to identify the root cause of our insecurity, address it head-on, and stop being so insecure in relationships moving forward.
Whether you’re insecure about your appearance, personality conflicts between you and your partner, or lack of (or too much) personal success and sex life experiences- there is a way to handle it all with more grace. We may not be able to erase the memories of past relationships, but if we take time to heal and recognize patterns that get us into hot water, we can make new memories that better serve us.
Don’t let fear or insecurity from previous experiences cloud future ones- show yourself some compassion!
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