A Typical Marriage Story (Received From A Reader)
Our romantic relationship began years ago at a work conference, where we stayed at the same hotel. We instantly had a sexual attraction to each other; we had dinner and flirted playfully. Over the course of the conference, we spent several passionate nights together.
Our connection was undeniable. Time passed, and a few months later, he proposed, and I gladly accepted. We shared common interests in our line of work, hobbies, sports, and events, and our friends liked each other.
Moreover, our sex life was nothing short of extraordinary. The fantastic chemistry made me feel confident about our future together. For the first couple of years, everything was great between us. And then something shifted; it’s hard to pinpoint when it happened.
Perhaps the monotony of our daily routines took its toll, with each weekday feeling like a repeat of the last: waking up at the same time, going to work, returning home late, preparing dinner, cleaning up, checking emails, squeezing in a workout, taking care of the kids and so on.
Recommended Reading: Why Parents and Those Hoping to Start Families Can Drift ApartOur days became so packed that by the time we finished “everything,” it was already time to sleep. Gradually, we stopped having evening sex due to exhaustion, and morning sex followed shortly after. Weekends were no different: socializing, family visits, chores, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands, and workouts.
It wasn’t as if we fought; we didn’t. On the other hand, we didn’t talk a lot either. For the next couple of years, when he wanted to have sex, I was “tired” or “not feeling up to it.”
There were all kinds of lame excuses. Eventually, we stopped having sex altogether. (Click Here to learn how to get out of a sexless marriage.)
I should have realized something was off, but I really didn’t feel that interested, so I just ignored it. I thought it was just average as our marriage settled in that sex would no longer be that important to us…
Can You Relate?
Perhaps there is some part of you that can relate to the above story, where you are now in a marriage where life’s demands have taken over, and your sex drive has plummeted, leaving you with little to no desire for your husband.
Before resigning yourself to the notion of a sexless marriage indefinitely, we implore you: Don’t give up! A sexless marriage can lead to serious problems.
Recommended Reading: How To Overcome Intimacy IssuesPerhaps you read that and thought that’s great, but I still don’t have the desire to have sex with my husband.
That’s where we come in; below are some practical tips from a sex therapist on what to do when you have no desire to have sex with your husband.
10 Practical Tips When You Have No Sexual Desire
1. Just Do It! – Regardless of if you’re in the mood
We can all agree that we are not always in the mood. However, if you want to boost your sex drive, consider doing it. Keep in mind that just because you’re not currently craving sex doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy it. Many individuals enjoy sex once they initiate it, even though it might take some time to get into the right mindset.
Maybe you need to clear your mind and gradually relax, but once you do, many people find sex enjoyable. To reignite your sex drive, try letting pleasant physical sensations overpower any hesitant thoughts you might have about engaging in sexual activities.
So, what should you do?
Encourage yourself to push forward more consistently, disregarding that little inner voice that says, “Oh, no, not now, I’m too tired,” or “Again? More Sex? We just had sex two nights ago,” or “I’ve got a million things to do,” and so on. Instead, consider the possibility that your inner voice might be misleading you. Take a leap and challenge those thoughts to see what unfolds.
If you tend to enjoy intimate moments once they begin, it’s possible that you’ve unknowingly conditioned yourself to feel disinterested whenever your partner initiates intimacy.
Our brains have a tendency to fall into routine patterns, reacting predictably to certain stimuli. If you find yourself recalling past disputes about sex and experiencing negative emotions during each encounter, your partner’s touch may eventually prompt an automatic reaction of withdrawal.
Sexual dysfunction has become such an automatic response that you don’t even have to ponder over it. It just happens reflexively. However, consider the possibilities if you choose to engage more frequently, setting aside those persistent negative thoughts and allowing yourself to relish the pleasure.
The more you practice this approach, the more opportunities you create to replace your old thinking habits with new ones. By associating your spouse’s advances with the pleasure you experience once you engage in intimacy, you can gradually link these positive feelings together; increasing your sex drive.
This can lead to a shift in your mindset, making it easier to embrace and enjoy the moments of intimacy with your partner. As you repeatedly reinforce this connection, it grows stronger and starts to happen instinctively.
In other words, when your spouse reaches out to touch your hand in an affectionate way, instead of thinking, “There he goes again,” you might find yourself thinking, “Hm, that feels good.” This change in thought patterns can lead to a more positive and enjoyable response to your spouse’s affectionate gestures, making your emotional connection and sexual intimacy more fulfilling.
Recommended Reading: 10 Positions That Guarantee A Woman To Climax2. Use it/ Lose It.
Certain sexuality specialists posit that our sex drives operate on a “use it or lose it” principle. For instance, women who maintain an active sex life post-childbearing years tend to have increased testosterone levels.
While it’s easy to infer that high testosterone levels boost the sex drive, a theory suggests the reverse: an active sex life could stimulate testosterone production. Essentially, the more you prioritize and engage in your sex life, the more you feel desire, prompting further activity.
3. Embers vs. Fireworks
People with a low sex drive often misconstrue what it means to desire their partner, mainly due to unrealistic expectations. They might hark back to the early stages of their relationship when hormones were high, recalling intense passion and longing.
Alternatively, they may mistakenly believe that they should always feel as sexually charged as their partners. This can lead to misunderstandings and unrealistic comparisons. Both of these expectations are not particularly accurate.
Often, individuals with lower sex drive do experience sexual intimacy urges; they’re just much more subtle. For instance, you might observe that your husband looks attractive in his fitted jeans and briefly entertain a sexual thought.
While the thought may not persist, it’s there all the same. Alternatively, you might come across something in a magazine that you find appealing, triggering a pleasant physical response within you. However, this feeling could be subtle and fleeting.
If you aim to enhance your sex drive and improve your sexual intimacy, instead of letting these moments pass by unnoticed, it’s essential to pay attention to them and take action!
Recommended Reading: 30 Day Intimacy Challenge4. Focus on the Exceptions
Regardless of how low your desire may seem right now, there are moments when you experience a slight increase in interest. Take a moment to reflect on this.
Some individuals with a low sex drive admit that they feel somewhat more interested in making love under certain conditions. Indeed, lovemaking might become more appealing during specific times of the day or month, such as on weekends, after a refreshing bath or a meaningful conversation, while on vacation, when the kids are asleep, after spending quality time together, or when you’re feeling confident about your appearance, among other occasions.
Recommended Reading: How To Make Sex A Priority When You Have Stress and Time ConstraintsCertain individuals express feeling more passionate late in the day rather than early in the morning or during the middle or end of their menstrual cycles. Some mention that they become more interested after having a glass of wine or during the weekends.
Recognize the elements that enhance your arousal and seize those moments when you feel more inclined instead of letting them pass.
Indeed, if it’s feasible, create those opportunities. For instance, if hot baths stimulate your sex drive, indulge in them more frequently. Discover what triggers your excitement and capitalize on those moments.
5. Know Yourself
If your lack of interest in sex stems from your spouse not touching or kissing you in a way that arouses you, consider becoming a better coach to enhance the experience.
Sometimes, when I ask how people would like their spouses to ignite their passion, they are often left clueless and unsure.
If you don’t even know what feels good to yourself, how can you expect your spouse to?
Explore your body and become an expert, meaning you must start experimenting. Indulge in activities such as reading romance novels, cooking, writing poetry, listening to music, allowing your partner to touch you seductively, incorporating toys, buying sexy lingerie, getting your hair and makeup done, or using enticing lotions.
Do whatever you need to do to figure out what turns you on.
Sexuality is a deeply personal and varied experience, and discovering its unique nuances is key. Explore the sensations that appeal to you, be it firm or gentle touches, quick or leisurely movements, or a combination thereof, depending on the moment.
When you’re making love, try different positions. Find what brings you the most pleasure.
We want you to know two things.
First, if you’re not feeling turned on, take ownership of your sex drive and explore what ignites your passion. Dive into the world of lovemaking by devouring every available resource and embracing a curiosity and experimentation mindset. Remember, you are in control of your own pleasure.
Keep exploring different things until you stumble upon something that truly ignites your sex drive. And once you discover it, ensure that your spouse is well aware of the enchanting formula so they can join the journey.
Stay open-minded and avoid imposing strict criteria on what constitutes good sex. Let the magic unfold in its own unique way.
Second, remember that knowing yourself and your sexual preferences is a lifelong endeavor. Life is full of surprises. You might realize that your needs have evolved as you find things that excite you. That’s the beauty of it.
Change is the only certainty in life. So, don’t feel disheartened when your “new solution” loses its effectiveness. Instead, explore other thrilling alternatives. And remember, always keep your partner informed about your evolving desires. Maintain open lines of communication.
6. Act As If You Have the Desire
To enhance your sexual feelings, consider embracing a more seductive demeanor. My personal key to reigniting my own sex drive was revisiting activities that used to arouse me. I found that adorning sexy lingerie underneath my clothes, wearing perfume, and making an effort to dress more seductively made all the difference.
I discovered that shortly after having children, I stopped putting effort into my appearance. It affected my mental health, my body image and my self esteem resulting in a loss of my sexual confidence. But when I pushed myself to get out of my Lululemon sweats and into my sexy lingerie and clothes, I instantly felt more alluring and more desire.
7. Create Novelty
Many women with a low sex drives experience heightened interest in sex when it is new and exciting. However, over time, sexual intimacy in long-term relationships may become routine and less stimulating.
If you find yourself bored from repeating the same old activities, it can hinder your ability to reach orgasm. Nevertheless, you can enhance your experience by creatively approaching emotional intimacy and lovemaking. If you need some tips, you can always turn to books!
If you have depended on your spouse to be the one to breathe new life into your sexual relationship, stop doing that. Keeping your sexual relationship fresh is a shared responsibility and equally important for both partners.
Discover new options, and push yourself to be open-minded- you may surprise yourself.
8. The Seesaw Effect
Sex therapists have coined the mental health term the Seesaw Effect. In healthy relationships, typically, one spouse has a high sex drive. In contrast, the other may have a low libido (low sex drive), creating a fascinating relationship dynamic – one person overly invests, while the person with the low libido barely contributes. Essentially, the harder one works to be sexually intimate, the more the other person feels entitled to take it easy.
This phenomenon extends beyond just chores like taking out the garbage, coordinating babysitting, or getting birthday cards. It even affects financial responsibilities like bill payments. This intricate interplay is a common thread in many aspects of marriage.
For intimacy, the seesaw effect occurs once your spouse loses interest in sex; in doing so, people with a low desire find their sex drive returns with a vengeance.
Why? Because we get into roles with our spouses. When the person carrying the most workload steps aside, it paves the way for the less involved individual to step up and take charge. This dynamic frequently plays out in relationships, especially in the realm of intimacy.
However, the issue is that when your partner with a higher level of sexual desire withdraws, they may become so distraught over your marriage that they either engage in an affair or convince themselves that their love for you has diminished.
Don’t let this happen to you.
Don’t allow the potential failure of your marriage or your spouse’s lack of love or infidelity to be your aphrodisiac. Rediscover your passion for your spouse right now.
9. Not Right Now But In A Few Hours
Sometimes, despite the effectiveness of libido-boosting methods, there will be occasions when you simply don’t feel like engaging in sexual activity. Rather than outright refusing or saying, “I’m too tired,” which may come across as a rejection to your partner, consider offering an alternative option.
For example, you could say, “I’m drained right now, and if you let me take a 15-minute nap, I will (insert whatever you will do to your partner…).
Or
“This isn’t the best time. Are you willing to wait until the kids go to sleep?”
HEAR THIS: Do whatever it takes to ensure your spouse doesn’t “feel” rejected!
It’s important to remember that your spouse may take your disinterest personally, and it can truly hurt their feelings. Your spouse is more likely to handle rejection when it’s layered with another offer (that you MUST follow through on instead of watching tv or scrolling on insta).
Recommended Reading: What Happens When You Reject Your Man Sexually10. Give them a Courtesy Gift
One common mistake I often observe among many women with lower sexual desire is the assumption that if they are not in the mood for sexual activity, there is nothing they can or should do to please their partners. However, this notion is simply misguided.
Even if you are not currently feeling sexually inclined, you can still demonstrate love and affection towards your spouse by engaging in activities that bring them sexual pleasure.
Simply tell your spouse you’d love to please them, and ask what s/he’d like you to do. Then do it!
While I wouldn’t always suggest this approach, there’s nothing inherently wrong with fulfilling your spouse’s desires.
However, if you engage sexually despite not feeling fully invested, it’s crucial to avoid harboring resentment. In doing so, we ensure that our actions truly embody the spirit of giving.
You don’t have to fake excitement or force yourself into pleasurable moments, but showing enthusiasm is important. Whether you engage in oral sex, have intercourse, or pleasure your spouse manually, doing it begrudgingly defeats the purpose. Embrace the experience and let your enthusiasm shine through.
In taking these steps you may find that your decreased desire diminishes and you have the same sex drive you once had!
Commonly Asked Questions
Why don’t I have desire for my husband?
It’s totally normal for desire to ebb and flow in relationships. There could be various reasons – stress, fatigue, lack of emotional intimacy, or even life changes. Taking time to understand what has changed in your relationship will help determine the root cause.
Why am I not sexually interested in my husband?
Many factors can influence sexual interest. Sometimes, it’s about unmet emotional needs or unresolved issues. When a couple has an unresolved conflict or lacks emotional intimacy, it blocks the want or desire for sex.
What to do if you don’t desire your husband?
First, understand it happens, and it’s more common than you might think. Often, it’s about rekindling the emotional closeness and physical connection. Communication is key – sharing your feelings and working together to reignite the spark can make a significant difference.
Why am I so turned off by my husband?
Turn-offs can be temporary or linked to deeper issues. Reflect on what might be contributing to this feeling. Having an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns could be helpful, ensuring both perspectives are heard.
If needed seek professional help from a sex therapist, intimacy coach, or attend couples therapy for guidance and support as you navigate sexual dysfunction. In some cases of sexual problems are strictly the result of a low libido and you should seek professional help from a naturopathic doctor as certain medications can help.
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