Boundaries serve as the scaffolding of our relationships, providing structure and support. However, it’s the communication surrounding these boundaries that truly solidifies their effectiveness. While discussing the “what” is essential, it’s often just the tip of the iceberg.
Communication delves into the “why” behind our thoughts and feelings, making it the cornerstone of meaningful interaction. It’s through communication that we express the reasons behind why something impacts us, whether it’s positive or negative.
We often enter friendships with the thought that this is a relationship that we choose and that this is someone who really loves us, gets us and is around us because they WANT to be. And that our communication will be intuitively understood because of the nature of that relationship.
There’s some truth to that, but it’s not foolproof. And when that natural understanding fails, it hits us hard. We expect our family members to sometimes not get us, but our friends? The ones we choose because they’re already on our wavelength?
We’re far more likely to be hurt by miscommunication.
We don’t want to fight with the person who is supposed to be our closest ally, so we often give up. But what if there’s a different approach?
The psychologist Marshall Rosenberg pioneered Nonviolent Communication (NVC) strategies in the 1960s, drawing from his experience as a coach and mediator. I’ve found his approach immensely valuable and have integrated it into various aspects of my writing, particularly when discussing self-compassion. His communication model offers a systematic guide to navigating our own boundaries while respecting those of others, which proves invaluable in fostering healthier friendships.
“How can I support my friends?”. While this question may not be the primary reason people seek therapy, it emerges as they unravel the layers of learned behaviors and realize its impact on friendships, along with other aspects of life like partnerships, families, parenting, and careers.
I commonly observe two key communication challenges in a good friendship: determining the type of support needed and sustaining connection during challenging times.
If a good relationship operates as a secure base, that means we not only feel good about sharing goals and achievements, it means we have a person to call when things fall apart. Demonstrating that you are a secure base primarily involves your response when a friend faces challenges. Your task is to discern whether they need space, support, or practical solutions.
You don’t have to use those precise words. A simple question could be: “Would you like some quiet time to process things alone, or do you prefer someone to listen? Also, I’m here to help if you want to explore options, but I won’t try to fix things for you.”
This doesn’t imply that you should endure endless complaints about the same issue without any action. While you care for your friend and value the friendship, it’s reasonable to feel frustrated by constant complaints about their job without any effort to change the situation.
Seeking sympathy while figuring out your next steps or simply acknowledging a tough situation is normal and healthy. However, it becomes problematic when someone consistently dwells in their misery without taking any steps to improve their situation, expecting you to listen without end.
This is where boundaries come in.
You can gently express to a friend who repeatedly revisits the same issue that you’re not comfortable continuing to dwell on it endlessly. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed we’ve discussed this topic quite a bit, and it seems like it’s not helping you feel any better. How about we shift our focus to something more positive in your life or do something together that brings joy?”
They might have a personality that leads to dramatic reactions and seeking attention. This doesn’t make them a bad person or friend, just someone who has learned to meet their needs in a draining way for others. By offering attention and support differently, they can shift out of that behavior faster than expected.
Perhaps your friend isn’t seeking drama but genuinely feels stuck. Even then, there’s a limit to how much venting others can handle. When we receive sympathetic support during tough times, it’s important to express appreciation and gratitude and then reciprocate by asking about their lives. It’s crucial to remember that our friends are not our therapists.
They may not have the necessary perspective to offer a neutral view, especially if the issue is complex or deeply personal. In such cases, seeking help from a therapist or a support group might be more appropriate. It’s perfectly okay to gently suggest this to your friend by saying something like, “This sounds like a lot to handle on your own. Have you considered seeing a professional for support? I can help you find one that fits your budget.”
Supporting a friend through deep grief and pain, especially during significant losses, is a crucial aspect of a good relationship. However, it can be challenging because we often feel deeply affected by their suffering, experiencing their pain alongside them rather than just sympathizing with them.
In our efforts to alleviate their pain, we sometimes disregard boundaries. For instance, if a friend expresses a need for solitude and declines assistance, we might still feel compelled to offer comfort by bringing over gifts or food, even if it goes against their wishes.
While our intentions are usually kind, our actions might inadvertently disregard their wishes. Although gestures like bringing cookies are thoughtful, if our friend has already declined assistance, it’s essential to respect their boundaries. Once we become aware of our tendency to overstep, we can adjust our approach to be more supportive while honoring their needs.
The most supportive approach is to assist your grieving friends only when it truly benefits them, without making it about your own need to take action. Focus on actions that genuinely uplift them rather than ones that primarily satisfy your desire to help.
I often share with people, “If there’s anything I can do to ease your burden, just say the word. I don’t need a specific task to feel useful; I’m here for whatever you need help with at this moment.”
And you might be thinking, “But what about my fiercely independent friend who never asks for help, even when they need it?” Well, I confess, I’m that friend. And my closest friends are amazing at reassuring me that they are available whenever I need support, even if I don’t ask for it outright.
If I happened to mention something I haven’t managed to do, they would gently remind me, “That’s something I can assist with if you’d like.” No judgment, just an offer of support.
It’s also challenging to know how much space to give someone who’s gone quiet.
A grieving individual often loses track of time and may not realize they haven’t reached out. You don’t want to be overbearing, but you also don’t want them to feel abandoned. Thank goodness for texting, as it offers the ideal means of support in such situations.
This is when you can reach out and say, “Hey, I was just thinking about you. I know you’re going through a lot right now, so you don’t even have to respond. I just wanted you to know that you’re on my mind.”
You can also offer low impact support, such as dropping off food without staying to hang out, or giving a gift card for a restaurant they like. These small gestures serve as reminders that they are being supported and don’t have to fulfill any role in the relationship to receive help.
Conflicts among friends are a natural part of any relationship and can actually indicate healthy boundaries and assertiveness. However, when we’re in the midst of a disagreement, it can feel overwhelming and as if the friendship is at risk.
Conflict has the potential to deepen our bond with friends, fostering understanding and growth. However, in the heat of the moment, it often feels quite the opposite, especially if we lack prior experience in handling disagreements constructively.
Navigating conflict in friendships becomes more manageable when we prioritize compassion for both ourselves and others while also upholding our values, ethics, integrity, and boundaries. This approach allows us to maintain respect for one another even amidst disagreements.
“Waging good conflict” entails departing from traditional Western models of conflict resolution, where one person typically prevails while the other concedes. These approaches, often ingrained in us from familial experiences, don’t always foster mutual understanding or growth.
In “waging good conflict,” the focus shifts towards active listening with the intent to understand rather than simply react. By modeling this behavior, we aim to encourage reciprocal respect from the other party, fostering a more constructive exchange.
Dr. Linda Hartling, a theorist in Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT), highlights the importance of human dignity in fostering deep connections. According to her perspective, genuine respect and a sincere effort to understand others are essential ingredients in cultivating such relationships. This emphasis on mutual respect and understanding suggests that true connection is not innate but rather emerges from intentional and respectful interactions with others.
It’s important to clarify that advocating for compassion doesn’t equate to tolerating harmful behavior. On the contrary, maintaining compassion alongside self-awareness empowers us to uphold our boundaries and values more effectively. This balance allows us to navigate difficult situations with greater clarity and integrity, making it easier to stay grounded in our principles.
Maintaining a compassionate stance while staying self-aware grants us resilience against manipulation, as our emotions are less entangled in others’ actions. This enables us to sustain respectful connections for extended periods and detach when necessary, always rooted in a foundation of love and understanding.
Nonviolent Communication emphasizes a process-oriented approach aimed at transforming a conversation into a collaborative exchange—a crucial aspect of healthy friendships. Applying relational-cultural theory ensures that we establish power with dynamics, fostering equality and mutual respect instead of dominance.
NVC places significant emphasis on language due to our tendency as humans to interpret words as threats. Such perceptions can trigger responses rooted in power-over dynamics, where the goal is to win rather than to foster connection and respect for each other’s needs and boundaries.
Dr. Dian Killian, an NVC consultant and coach, outlines the four steps of collaborative communication as a means to express authentically and receive empathetically. Simply put, most people aren’t intentionally trying to behave poorly. We’re all human and prone to mistakes and missteps. Since friendships are often seen as relationships we can easily exit, we’re more inclined to disengage rather than navigate conflict constructively. Here’s a concise overview of NVC that create good communication:
Listen attentively to understand, refraining from immediate reactions. Then, reflect back on what you’ve heard neutrally, without judgment. “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying… Did I capture everything?” Active listening and responding helps keep the conversation from escalating too quickly and promotes clarity. It’s about reflecting and clarifying, not jumping to criticism or blame.
Instead of starting the conversation with “I feel hurt” or “I feel disappointed,” try “I feel confused” or “I feel sad.” This subtle shift can encourage deeper dialogue. Often, people say, “I feel…” followed by an opinion or accusation, like “I feel you aren’t listening to me.”
NVC techniques emphasize expressing emotional turmoil without placing blame on others whenever possible. It can be challenging when your emotions are directly linked to someone’s behavior. This doesn’t mean you should lie about your feelings, but rather acknowledge that feelings are complex and try to approach them from a broader perspective.
Dr. Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, believed that emotional turmoil arises from unmet needs. He categorized these needs into 7 universal categories: autonomy, connection, honesty, meaning, peace, physical wellness, and play.
So, in this step, we are connecting the expressed feeling to the unmet need. Makes sense? For example, if a friend seems angry at you, they may be struggling with a need for autonomy, which may or may be more connected to a variety of things in their personal life and has nothing to do with your relationship.
Once all parties feel heard and understood, it’s time to make a request that aligns with the unmet need. Requests are most effective when they are positive and specific. It’s even better if the request is something that can be addressed immediately, rather than in the distant future.
Requests in this framework focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want. Using phrases like “Stop doing XYZ” often leads to resistance. The term “request” is crucial here. Demands tend to trigger defensiveness and resistance, akin to our inner toddler screaming “no” at everything.
The common question I encounter is, “What if they refuse? What if they can’t commit to showing up on time when we have concert tickets?” The answer lies in recognizing that their response reveals something about their relationship with you, presenting you with a decision to make. If the person doesn’t honor your request, you have to decide if you can be friends or not.
Navigating a conversation through Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can indeed feel more intricate compared to other communication methods I’ve discussed in previous blogs. It’s perfectly normal if it seems overwhelming at first.
Simply incorporating the initial step of the NVC process can prove immensely beneficial in resolving conflicts. Speaking from my experience as someone whose profession revolves around good communication and assisting others, mastering the remaining steps becomes more manageable with practice and time, ultimately becoming a highly valuable skill.
