The Truth About Sex in Long-Term Relationships
Welcome to Part 2 of Our Sex Series!
Did you miss Part 1? No worries, you can catch up here.
In our first blog, we exposed the myth of the “normal” frequency of sex in relationships. Now, we’re tackling some burning questions you might have about sex and relationships, like:
– Does frequency really matter when it comes to sex?
– Can a lack of sex be detrimental to a relationship?
– Need some spice in your sex life? We’ve got some tips for you.
Stay tuned, folks! This is going to be fun.
Does Frequency Really Matter When It Comes to Sex?
As a seasoned counselor who has guided countless couples through the ups and downs of their matrimonial journey, I can confidently tell you that the answer is…well, it’s subjective. But don’t worry; there’s a bit more to the story than that!
WHAT I OFTEN HEAR FROM PEOPLE ARE TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN: Typically a couple has different sexual appetites. One person is more focused on frequency, and the other on quality, and you are not alone!
Perhaps you are the type who thinks, “Sex is healthy for me when it’s satisfying when there is a mind-blowing orgasm or soulful connection that leaves me tingling in my toes.” Or maybe your partner believes, “Sex is healthy for me when it happens often; the time spent connecting with my partner refreshes our relationship and keeps us connected.”
Both perspectives are equally valid and underscore the importance of fulfilling sex life in keeping a relationship alive.
However, in these scenarios, there is no need to place a higher priority on frequency or quality but on making sure your partner knows how to make you feel loved and cared for in the way that matters to you.
WHEN A COUPLE HAS TWO DIFFERENT WAYS OF EXPERIENCING LOVE – SEX CAN BE CHALLENGING. It might seem like a no-brainer, but the truth is not everyone experiences love through sex in the same way. This seemingly simple fact has been the root of many conflicts and misunderstandings in relationships since the dawn of time (or at least since the invention of romantic comedies).
If we look at the hypothetical couple above, their issue isn’t necessarily the different preferences – it’s the lack of communication about them.
Too often, couples don’t discuss their sexual desires and needs, leaving both partners feeling unsatisfied and disconnected in their relationship.
And what happens when people don’t communicate? They argue. But not just about sex – oh no, it starts with something much more innocuous, like who forgot to take out the trash this week.
Before you know it, you’re both hurling accusations about things of little importance when you should spend your time discussing your unsatisfying sex life (or lack thereof) at each other. Talk about a mood killer!
So, what’s the solution?
Simple: talk about it! Open up a conversation with your partner about your sexual desires and preferences. You might be surprised to find that they’ve been wanting to have the same discussion.
With a little communication and understanding, you can both work towards a healthy, happy, and sexually satisfying relationship. And who knows – maybe you’ll even create your own romantic comedy-worthy moments in the process.
JUST FYI: With a subject so awkward – it’s easier to talk about it once you’re already annoyed with one another, throw jabs or attempt to offend the other person. But rarely does this lead to more connection – but rather disconnect and feeling like worlds apart.
Talk About Sex with your Partner Objectively
No matter if the level of intimacy you once shared with your partner has decreased. Or, the abundance of sexual activity may cause you discomfort. Or, you’re not satisfied with your intimate life altogether.
Start discussing your and your partner’s feelings, needs, and any issues.
Yet, we know that initiating such a discussion can be quite a challenge!
It’s a conversation that could easily bruise even the most robust of egos. But fear not, for here’s a guide to help you navigate the treacherous waters of addressing ineffective intimacy.
First things first, it’s essential to approach this conversation with an open mind and remember that the issue at hand is the quality of your sex life, not your relationship as a whole.
You and your partner are a team; pointing fingers, casting blame, or resorting to humiliation will only drive a wedge between you. Instead, don your diplomat’s hat and employ the language of love (and by love, we mean tactful communication).
When broaching the subject, consider using “I” statements and focus on “us” as a couple. Here’s a little formula to follow: I feel + emotion + because… (we need to work on the quality of our sex life). This will help you express your feelings without making your partner feel like they’re under attack.
Now, if you’re shy or can’t find the words, there’s a trusty old-school method: writing it down. Grab a pen and paper (or your smartphone, if you must) and jot down your concerns.
Hand it over to your partner, and voila! The conversation has begun. You might even find that the written word allows for a more open and honest dialogue.
The Great Bedroom Mystery: Can a Lack of Sex Destroy a Relationship?
Short answer: Not necessarily. But let’s look at some numbers to back that up. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, couples who have sex once a week are the happiest. But does that mean that less sex equals less happiness? Not exactly. The study also found that couples with sex less frequently aren’t necessarily unhappy; they just might not be as content as those who get it on more often.
That being said, if both you and your partner are genuinely satisfied with your sex life, even if it’s less frequent than what’s “normal,” there’s no need to panic. After all, every couple is unique, and what works for one might not work for another.
Keeping the Flame Alive
If you are having sex less frequently we do suggest that the times you do have sex with your partner that you attempt to keep things interesting by trying new things in the bedroom. Whether it’s experimenting with different positions, introducing some fun toys, or role-playing, variety is the spice of life – and the bedroom.
In Conclusion: Don’t Sweat the Dry Spells
While a lack of sex can be a source of stress and anxiety for some couples, it’s important to remember that it’s not a relationship death sentence. As long as both partners are open, honest, and willing to work together to find a solution, a satisfying sex life is well within reach. So go ahead, light some candles, put on that sultry playlist, and reignite the passion in your relationship – or simply enjoy a cozy night in, knowing that your love is strong enough to weather any bedroom drought.
How Can Couples Improve their Sex Life: A Therapist’s Guide
Sandra L. Burke, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, tells us the key to increasing our sex life lies in emotional safety.
That’s right, folks! Suppose you want to crank up the intimacy and passion in your relationship. In that case, it’s time to get vulnerable, authentic, and, most importantly, create a sense of emotional safety for your partner.
You might be thinking, “But I’ve tried candles, romantic music, and even that thing with the whipped cream!” Well, my friends, it turns out the key to a better sex life might just be good ol’ fashioned emotional connection.
According to Burke, the foundation for great physical intimacy lies in listening and respecting boundaries. It’s all about that stable sense of emotional closeness and mutual care for each other’s well-being. So, how do you achieve this magical state of emotional safety?
It starts with expressing your thoughts and ideas without fear of humiliation, criticism, or being shut down. Imagine a world where you and your partner know each other’s deepest fears, hopes, and dreams and live in harmony with that knowledge. Sounds like a recipe for a sizzling love life, right?
Emotional safety isn’t just about knowing each other’s darkest secrets. It’s also about love, respect, and intimate communication. And when you have all those ingredients, you’re well on your way to increasing both the quantity and quality of sexual activity that you desire.
How do you increase your emotional connection?
Sexuality changes over time, and people most often do not allow themselves to see what those changes are. So before approaching your partner, ask yourself whether you know what turns you on.
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Have you explored your body recently?
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What is your sex drive like?
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What was your best orgasm ever?
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Are you comparing yourself to other couples?
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Are there positions you want to try?
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Would you say you have any fetishes?
In asking yourself and your partner these questions, be open, respectful, supportive, caring, and don’t fear being vulnerable in front of each other.
2. Redefine What Intimacy Means as a Couple
Going on this exploration with your partner can lead to rekindling the passion in a relationship, but in case you need some help with this exploration process, there is a workbook to the rescue.
This workbook unravels the mysteries of your relationship and addresses its hidden issues. As you work through it together, you’ll find yourselves growing closer and reigniting that fiery passion that brought you together in the first place.
These workbooks help you get to the root of the problems in your relationship, which is always important to address before trying to improve it.”
3. Discover New Ways to Connect
Remember those early days when just a touch or a glance could send shivers down your spine? It’s time to bring back that spark by discovering new ways to feel intimate with your partner.
The possibilities are endless!
From sharing a secret fantasy to trying out a new hobby together – the key is to get creative and have fun. As you dive into this adventure, you’ll find that the passion you thought was lost has been rekindled, and your relationship is stronger than ever.
Conclusion
All in all, it’s important to remember that sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all issue. Each couple must work to find their own frequency, communication dynamics, and intimacy level – the details of which are often very personal and distinct to each relationship.
Exploring what works best for you as a couple takes time and self-awareness; however, by diving into self-exploration and discovering new ways to connect, your partnership stands a much better chance at rekindling the flame in your sex life.
We hope these articles will serve as an informative guide towards setting up an honest dialogue with your partner that leads to a more robust sex life that is equal parts comfortable, enjoyable, and fulfilling. Don’t forget – share, like, subscribe, and comment!
