It’s commonly stated that a Christian marriage and non-Christian marriage have the same odds of divorce. This reality, I believe, largely stems from a lack of understanding among Christians about what the Bible teaches on covenants, vows, and commitments – all solemn pledges made in the presence of God on the wedding day.
As Christian counselors, we start the counseling process discussing these three ideas using Jeremiah 33:20–21, “Thus says the Lord: ‘If you can break My covenant with the day and My covenant with the night so that there will not be day and night in their season, then My covenant may also be broken with David, My servant.”
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Covenant: A solemn contract or pact made between two or more parties, binding them to certain obligations.
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Vow: A sincere commitment or assurance that obligates an individual to carry out a specific action or conduct themselves in a particular way.
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Commit: The act of entrusting or assigning something to someone’s care or responsibility. It also refers to the obligation that comes with making a pledge.
In Christian counseling, we teach a commitment is akin to a promise that ties an individual to a particular course of action. One can visualize commitment as gluing two sheets of paper together and then trying to separate them. The two become inseparable; attempting to pull them apart only results in both sheets tearing.
In the context of marriage, God provides us with the opportunity to truly comprehend what it means to be committed to another person. Through this union, He aids us in our growth and developing our character by dedicating ourselves to fulfilling the needs of our partner.
Marriage serves as a platform for us to understand the essence of devotion and fidelity to another person, mirroring God’s unwavering commitment to us, His bride, throughout our lives.
When Christian couples are deeply in love and eagerly look forward to spending each day together, terms like “covenants,” “vows,” “commitments,” and the phrase “I promise” seem easy to accept and embrace. However, as time progresses and they encounter financial hardships, face differences, and perhaps welcome babies, these terms may take on a more profound meaning.
I believe this state of affairs has led to two things:
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This situation has prompted some couples to choose cohabitation over marriage as a means to avoid failure.
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It has driven others to become more determined and put in extra effort to cultivate a successful marriage.
As a result, many Christian couples today find themselves living in a state of despair. Upholding one’s commitments appears to be a diminishing practice in today’s society.
However, when promises are fulfilled, it leads to wonderful outcomes such as strengthening bonds, building trust, elevating hope, and deepening relationships.
On the contrary, when these commitments aren’t met, essential elements like intimacy, vulnerability, and some form of physical connection often become absent, leading some couples to attend Christian marriage counseling.
Tips From A Christian Marriage Counselor To Make Keeping Your Commitment Easier!
Christian Counselor Marriage Tip #1: There Are Always Issues
Marriage is often riddled with “challenges.” It’s our hope that Christian couples can resolve most of these life challenges early in their marriage relationship because if left unresolved, they can become persistent irritants, like pebbles in one’s shoes. The longer these problems fester, the more the marriage relationship suffers.
The most evident challenges include financial management, religious beliefs and practices, intimate relations, time allocation, communication, child-rearing, and relationships with in-laws and extended family members. Peripheral issues may encompass task distribution, recreational activities, food preferences, displays of love and affection, and choice of friends, among other similar concerns.
This list could grow exponentially when considering the countless intricacies of daily life. An endless array of challenges may arise at each developmental stage in a couple’s dating journey.
I am of the opinion that couples can perpetually grapple and struggle with issues that need resolution, but the true test lies in how they approach these issues. The key to resolving these matters is the attitude and disposition of the heart when confronting the issue at hand.
Will it be a basic “I want what I want,” or will it be a “what’s best for us”?
What happens if both people in the marriage take either approach? And if they both take the first, what happens if they want different things?
If both you and your partner have a heart posture of I want what I want, I recommend prayer first and Christian marriage counseling sessions second to discuss navigating this viewpoint. A Christian marriage counselor can speak to the damage this stance will have on your relationship and marriage.
Christian Counselor Marriage Tip #2: Constant Growth & Development Is A Must
The Bible provides us with a divine framework for matrimony and family. This is eloquently expressed when He communicates through Paul, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church…husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:25, 28a). Verse 29 further elaborates, “For no one ever despised his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.”
In Christian marriage counseling, we teach how crucial blueprints are. However, they are futile without proper execution. To implement a plan, one must be equipped with the necessary tools, which should be in good working order, not bent, damaged, or distorted in any way.
We may embark on a marriage journey with some readily available and well-functioning tools. We might be lacking some essential tools at the beginning. Nonetheless, the collection of tools in our toolbox will continually evolve.
Tools can break and become obsolete. Each stage of life necessitates a distinct toolkit. In reality, throughout the course of a marriage, you will find yourself wedded to many different versions of your spouse.
Embrace and love each one of them! Cultivate the necessary tools at every stage to love each other profoundly. A married woman in her twenties will not have the same communication needs, character, aspirations, objectives, and so on as she would in her fifties or eighties. And that is a positive thing.
Similarly, a man in his thirties is not the same individual he will be at seventy-five. A person’s identity as a parent evolves when they become an empty-nester or a grandparent. Both of you will undergo changes. Opt to evolve together. Make the decision to understand each other at every stage. Choose to consistently update your toolbox to align with both your and your spouse’s current and future phases of life.
Universal tools like honesty, openness, resource management, clear communication skills, dealing with disappointments, practicing self-discipline, and resolving conflicts are essential for navigating life’s currents in a functional manner.
Christian Counselor Marriage Tip#3: Find Clarity
Conversation is to love as blood is to the body. When the circulation of blood ceases, the body perishes. Similarly, when conversation halts, love withers, giving birth to resentment and hatred. However, dialogue has the power to revive relationships and bring healing to lifeless marriages.
In Christian marriage counseling, I tell couples to imagine dialogue as a bridge that enables two people to connect. When communication ceases, it’s like the bridge is broken. Often, it needs to be reconstructed one piece at a time. Undeniably, dialogue serves as the vital force of a healthy relationship itself, and without it, the “body” of the relationship would perish.
Most couples do communicate in some form. However, often, the communication is muddled or unclear, leading to misunderstandings. Each individual brings their own unique language code into a marriage relationship, almost as if one person is speaking German and the other Italian.
Let’s acknowledge the potency of clarity.
A fascinating idea about the strength of lucid communication is nestled within Paul’s discourse on spiritual gifts.
He says, “Even things without life, whether flute or harp when they make a sound unless they make a distinction in the sounds, how will it be known what is piped or played? For if the trumpet makes an uncertain sound, who will prepare for battle? So likewise you, unless you utter by the tongue words easy to understand, how will it be known what is spoken?” (1 Corinthians 14:7–9a).
I trust it’s not too far-fetched to extract this passage from its original context of speaking in tongues and using it for a marriage relationship. I believe it fits flawlessly. Ambiguous signals among a married couple can be conveyed through subtle hints, insinuations, sarcasm, assumptions, and attempts at mind reading, among other things.
All these methods are part of a passive-aggressive communication style. A lot of people have never tried asking directly for what they want or need (may I suggest individual counseling).
In Christian marriage counseling, we teach Be explicit! Have you ever heard of say what you mean and mean what you say?
Enable your partner to succeed. Draw the target clearly. This doesn’t guarantee that you’ll always get what you want, as your partner is not a vending machine. But it does considerably enhance your chances.
Take a moment to ponder over the list above. Which of these methods have you employed? And which ones do you consistently use in an attempt to achieve your desires?
Paul says a few verses later, “Therefore, if I do not know the meaning of the language, I shall be a foreigner to him who speaks, and he who speaks will be a foreigner to me” (1 Corinthians 14:11). How true it is!
In Christian marriage counseling, we stress the importance of articulating our needs explicitly. We encourage you to request what you want straightforwardly. Naturally, you must first identify what that is. However, communication methods such as hinting, hoping, and wishing seldom yield the desired results. Indirect communication can wreak havoc on the marriage relationship.
And to the mate who answers in the negative once a spouse asks, who might say, “No, I can’t do that,” or “No, I’m not willing to do that,” we have established a rule in Christian marriage counseling. The rule says, “Never say no without a yes.”
Christian Counselor Marriage Tip#4: There Is Unbelievable Power In Unity & Words
In the story of the building of the tower of Babel (“babel” is Hebrew for “confused”), the Lord said, “Indeed, the people are one, and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them” (Genesis 11:6).
This is quite a statement.
God is commenting on the power of unity here. He says if they acted as “one,” speaking the same language, then it would not be possible to stop them. Please let this concept soak in by reading Genesis 11:6 repeatedly.
God then proceeds to confuse their language to stop them from building a tower “whose top is in the heavens.” In the New Testament, James compares the power of the tongue to that of a tiny spark capable of setting a whole forest on fire (James 3:5).
In the realm of couples counseling, I witness this principle being enacted repeatedly. Words, when uttered hastily and thoughtlessly, can ignite a massive fire in a relationship, leading to what can be likened to an emotional cardiac arrest.
In contrast, our expressions of love and care, when conveyed through positive words and reinforced by actions, act like an emotional bypass surgery. They transcend the logic of our minds and delve directly into the depths of our hearts. Thus, our words possess the potential to either wound or mend a heart, demonstrating their dual ability to inflict pain or foster healing.
Christian Counselor Marriage Tip#5: Listening Matters, But Listening with Your Heart Matters More
An enlightening study would be to explore the scriptures and take note of the numerous instances where God urged His followers to lend an ear.
Often, He emphasizes the importance of attentive listening. David touched upon God’s sentiments about this issue in one of the Psalms: “But My people chose not to heed My voice, and Israel disregarded Me. Consequently, I left them to their stubborn hearts to follow their own advice.”
Oh that My people would listen to Me” (Psalms 81:11–13a). David goes on to say that God would have “fed them also with the finest of wheat and with honey from the rock I would have satisfied you” (Psalms 81:16). We will never know all that we have missed out on because we did not listen.
When a Christian couple does premarital counseling sessions, we teach that when your loved one attempts to communicate with you, there’s so much on the line! Did you perceive in the initial part of the passage how a lack of listening was linked to conflict and a stubborn heart? Numerous relationship guides advocate for a practice known as empathetic listening.
This style of listening is driven purely by the intent to comprehend what your partner is genuinely expressing and experiencing. It doesn’t aim to critique, identify flaws in their perspective, or seek inconsistencies in their reasoning. It is about being completely attentive and present, striving to reach a mutual understanding.
One definition I have always liked concerning good communication is “intent equals impact” (Gottman, 1994). In other words, good communication happens only when the listener actually receives what the speaker actually intends to convey.
While not every conversation demands empathetic listening, every conversation definitely requires attentive listening. Much of the dialogue between couples revolves around reaching a consensus on the world of mundane tasks, schedules, and daily life’s trivialities.
The more profound aspects of the relationship, particularly questions like “Do you care?”, are where meaningful exchanges of information occur, agreements are discussed and formed, respect can begin and more intimate feelings are shared. Hindrances to effective listening can include children, lack of forgiveness, conflict, distractions, a lack of concentration, and a rushed demeanor.
But most important is the condition of the heart.
More profound issues necessitate a listener who can discern both the spoken and the unspoken. It’s akin to finely adjusting your radio dial to the spot where the station broadcasts most distinctly. Listening is a crucial instrument in the relationship toolbox. The act of listening itself communicates a great deal.
Listening loudly expresses our appreciation for one another; it proclaims our care, love, support, and affirmation. Intentful listening acts as a soothing salve, planting seeds that will lead to a harvest of harmony, trust, and, ultimately, deeper intimacy in a non judgmental relationship!
Conclusion
As Christian Counselors, we invite each couple to use the tips shared in this article as tools for developing a marriage culture that is both reflective of their faith and an expression of their commitment to honor their covenant with one another.
We trust that the solemn vow made on that special day will not be taken lightly. By being intentional about clarifying needs, committing to growth and development, and recognizing that unity brings about power in words, every relationship can achieve harmony from within.
It’s easy to see how God’s guidance helps foster understanding in marriage. So, step out on faith today! Show your spouse kindness and grace as you put forth all of your energy towards growing closer in your relationship.
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