Intimacy Ideas
In a world filled with noise and digital distractions, the true essence of intimacy often eludes us. Intimacy goes beyond mere physical expression; it’s a profound connection that transcends the surface of our interactions.
Join us as we explore the heart of intimacy, unraveling its complexity in various relationships. From emotional vulnerability to physical intimacy, we’ll redefine our understanding of intimacy and celebrate the beauty of genuine connections that make life truly meaningful. Welcome to a space where we peel back layers, debunk myths, and embrace human connection.
An Important Aspect Of Intimacy Is Knowing What You Want
Couples typically come into a counseling session with the list of all the reasons their relationship isn’t working. Typically one partner will blame the other’s issues as THE problem in the relationship. Here are the common things we hear:
We Have Communication Issues: I.e. he/ she lacks the communication skills needed to have an open dialogue.
Sexual Intimacy: I.e. he/ she has different sexual desires than I do (one likes oral sex while the other doesn’t etc.)
Trust and Infidelity: I.e. he/ she cheated and now I can’t trust them. (click to read more about how to recover after an affair)
Parenting Conflicts: I.e. he/ she has a terrible parenting styles and is too harsh or too relaxed with our children.
Financial Strain: I.e. he/ she spends too much or is cheap.
In-Law Problems: I.e. he/ she never stands up to their parents when it comes to our relationship.
Individual Mental Health: I.e. he/ she has mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, or other psychological challenges.
Lack of Quality Time: I.e. he/ she only works and never wants to do anything else.
Usually no matter what the couple says, what they want is more intimacy, in one of the following areas:
Physical intimacy; the couple wants a better sex life (click to read more about physical intimacy)
More emotional intimacy; the couple wants more meaningful conversations, or the feeling of a deep connection (click to read more about emotional intimacy)
Spiritual intimacy; the couple wants to be soul mates, they want to be able to just get each other (click to read more about spiritual intimacy)
Intellectual intimacy; the couple longs for brain stimulation through conversations about books, movies etc. (click here to read more about intellectual intimacy)
Many couples struggle because their relationship experiences frequent withdrawals daily. To build intimacy and enhance sexual connection, it’s crucial for partners to shift their focus from what’s going wrong to appreciating and filling each other’s love tank with positive actions.
Related Reading: Why Relationships Fail
What Is The Fastest Way To Destroy Intimacy?
I define self-esteem as the extent to which a person feels positive about themselves at any given time. To illustrate how to build intimacy, let’s imagine the average person has about one hundred “dollars” in their self-esteem bank account.
When individuals have ten dollars in their account, they are not really interested in building or growing your relationship. With couples we often see one person “blows” up or explodes about an issue of situation.
Chances are this person has ten dollars of self-esteem. When individuals reach low “dollars” of self-esteem, we become highly motivated to preserve and protect our limited supply. A common method of safeguarding our self-esteem “dollars” is through blame.
Blaming involves trying to take self-esteem away from your partner by tearing them down to make oneself look better. Regrettably, this approach leads to your partner feeling attacked, prompting them to respond with blame and insults in self-defense, creating a harmful and unproductive cycle.
When you look at the above counseling scenarios you will recognize a recurring theme is blame. The pattern involves attributing negative qualities to the other person and suggesting that their characteristics are detrimental to the relationship. When blame happens neither partner receives the love and respect they want. Not too mention you will not build intimacy!
What Is The Fastest Way To Build Intimacy?
When an individual’s self-esteem bank account is low, establishing any form of intimacy becomes challenging. The most effective approach to initiate intimacy is by fostering a robust self-esteem bank account for your partner. This can be achieved through the practices of acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance—the three As, akin to high-interest yielding deposits that significantly contribute to your partner’s well-being.
Providing your partner with the three As boosts their self-esteem bank “balance.” As their self-esteem rises, they tend to become more loving, giving, and attentive. When your partner is stressed, making an “intimacy deposit” into their self-esteem bank account works wonders. Almost magically, they become more agreeable, making it easier for both of you to communicate with love and break free from the destructive cycle.
Note: If both people have a negative self esteem bank account you will not be able to build intimacy, no matter what you do. The very first step is to acknowledge and address the negative self-esteem bank accounts of both individuals. Without a positive self-esteem foundation, building intimacy becomes challenging, making it crucial to prioritize and work on improving both partners’ self-esteem as the initial step.
Related Reading: What Men & Women Need In A Relationship
Know That We All Want The Same Things
In order to get the most out of your car, it helps to know what it needs to operate effectively. You need to know what fuel and oil it uses, and how to get things fixed when it’s not running right. The same is true for human beings.
Luckily, at our core, all human beings are pretty much the same. We all want the three As: acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. In fact, the three As are like high- octane gasoline that makes the human personality run.
They are the essential ingre- dients that convey love from one person to another. Without them we become defensive and refuse to let anyone in. If you want to have a great relationship filled with intimacy, you will first have to satisfy your partner’s needs for acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance.
And the more effectively you can help them feel loved, the more loving they will be toward you. I’ve created a metaphor that I find helpful in explaining how the human personality works. I call it “the self-esteem bank account.”
A Comprehensive List Of Intimacy Ideas
Below is an array of intimate ideas to improve your relationship. These suggestions aim to deepen emotional, physical, and relational bonds between partners. Whether rekindling the flame or strengthening an already thriving connection, this list offers diverse options to suit various preferences and relationship dynamics.
1. Smile At Your Romantic Partner
Begin your day by sharing a simple smile the moment you see your partner. A warm smile says a lot—it shows you’re in a good mood, appreciate them, and are genuinely happy to see them. Unlike expressing your feelings explicitly, a smile silently conveys acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance, creating a sense of ease for your partner. This sets a warm tone that makes it easier to foster deeper levels of trust and intimacy.
2. Stare At Each Other
Try this simple exercise together: Sit facing your partner, comfortably holding both of their hands. Look into each other’s eyes and breathe together. The man should match the woman’s breathing by observing her stomach and shoulder movements. Eventually you’ll naturally sync breathes, making it effortless to breathe together.
Gaze into each other’s eyes and practice synchronized breathing for at least five minutes. In some workshops, we have couples do this for ten minutes. This intimacy building exercise will quickly deepen your connection, although at first it might feel a bit intimidating. Give it a try and discover its powerful impact.
3. Discover What Feels Your Partner Up
If you haven’t asked yet, find out what makes your partner feel loved. A simple way is to ask, “Can you share a couple of times you felt most loved by me?” Pause for their response and then ask, “What let you know during those times that I really loved you?” Once you understand what makes them feel loved, share what they do that makes you feel loved too.
4. Be Vulnerable
We all yearn for the profound connection that emotional intimacy brings, yet we often avoid it in numerous ways. The key to rediscovering deep emotional intimacy lies within the word itself: “in to me see.” When we openly share our vulnerabilities, feelings, and desires with our partner, it builds emotional intimacy. However, if we conceal our true selves and resort to blame or over thinking, intimacy runs.
Many people in romantic relationships struggle with communicating vulnerably, treating it like an unfamiliar language. Think of it as expressing “I feel/I want.” This approach encourages sharing feelings and desires, allowing your partner to see your true self in any given moment. While it may be daunting, opening up in this way builds a deeper trust with your partner.
5. Use Non Sexual Touch
Health professionals now recognize the vital role of touch for babies in their early months, emphasizing its significance for survival. Beyond its physical importance, touch serves as a means of expressing acceptance and love.
Touch, being a fundamental form of communication from infancy, has a profound impact, often reaching us at a deeper level than mere words. In adulthood, we develop filters and defenses against the impact of words due to the constant barrage of advertisements. However, touch remains distinct, perceived as a more “honest” form of expression compared to words, which can be subject to doubt.
While words may be filtered out, a loving touch has the power to bypass defenses and resonate at a person’s core. Learning to touch your partner in a loving way is essential for effectively conveying the three As – acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance.
Note: It’s crucial to differentiate between a loving touch and a sexually intimate touch. While a sexual touch is valuable, it doesn’t replace the unique impact of a non sexual touch. Many individuals face the challenge where one partner only touches them when they are seeking sexual pleasure, leading to feelings of being used rather than genuinely appreciated. On the contrary, when partners engage in frequent, caring, non sexual intimacy, a sense of safety and love is established, fostering a more genuine connection that enables a better sex life.
List Of Non Sexual Touch Ideas
Extended hugs exceeding ten seconds.
Prolonged massages surpassing thirty seconds.
Gently stroking your partner’s hair and scalp region.
Caressing any area of your partner’s body for more than ten seconds.
6. Acknowledge Your Partner
Acknowledgment means being willing to accept that your partner is genuinely experiencing the emotions they express. For instance, if your partner says, “I’m sick and tired of you nagging me,” responding with, “I’m not nagging; I’m just telling you how to…” can lead to conflict. This response invalidates their feelings, creating an intimacy barrier. Until you acknowledge their perspective and emotions, they won’t be receptive. Expressing empathy allows them to open up to your viewpoint.
In the example, you might acknowledge your partner by saying, “It sounds like you feel I’m constantly nitpicking the way you… I’m sorry you feel that way.” Full acknowledgment paves the way for them to hear your side. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledging their feelings is crucial. Remember, validation doesn’t require agreement. Acknowledging their experience will increase intimacy, and the more you validate, the stronger the intimacy. Conversely, invalidating your partner’s reality erodes intimacy, making it harder for them to rely on you.
7. Show Appreciation
Appreciation is about expressing what you genuinely like about your partner. To tap into your appreciation, ask yourself, “What do I like or appreciate about my partner?” Share your answers with them. When challenges arise, expressing appreciation can help your partner let go of blame or defensiveness, creating space for better communication.
For the art of appreciation to be effective, make it a frequent practice. Similar to exercising, appreciating your partner infrequently yields limited benefits. The more you express appreciation, the easier it becomes, enhancing your proficiency with this simple yet underused tool for building intimacy.
Specific, precise, and graphic expressions of appreciation work best. Instead of a general statement like “I like that you write me love notes,” opt for something powerful like, “Your love notes leave me feeling incredibly cherished, like each word is a warm embrace that wraps around my heart and fills my world with a profound sense of belonging and joy.” Being specific and vivid amplifies the impact of your appreciation, so feel free to unleash your inner poet to sincerely express your admiration for your partner.
8. Stop Fighting To Be Right
I know you may be wonder how this is on an intimacy ideas list. Remember intimacy involves the three A’s and to have a happy romantic relationship, you need to give up the need to be right. When you insist on being right, it implies your partner is wrong, creating an immediate barrier to building intimacy. The good news? If you let go of this need, you can enjoy love, harmony, and fulfillment in your relationship.
Conflict is normal, but blame is the real problem. Blaming, or insisting on being right, acts like a slow poison, contaminating how couples communicate and eroding their love. Couples often hope their partner will admit fault, but the blame game rarely gets what we want.
In bad relationships, blame is the common factor. When you insist on being right, your words will backfire. Instead, admit you’re right in your head and let it go, when you’re having sex later that night you will thank us!
Are You Thinking This List of Intimacy Ideas Feels Weird; Here’s Why
It might feel a bit strange at first to explore these intimacy ideas, especially if our usual understanding of intimacy revolves around more overtly sexual exploits. However, the essence of these suggestions lies in communication and making each other feel valued, which forms the foundation for intimacy.
Many people find themselves without the level of physical intimacy they desire because of the daily withdrawals they unknowingly make. These withdrawals often stem from a lack of open communication, appreciation, and emotional connection.
By implementing the suggestions in our list, individuals can make positive deposits into their relationship bank, fostering a deeper sense of connection. As partners feel more appreciated, understood, and emotionally connected, they are likely to become more willing to engage in sex, including trying new sexual positions in the bedroom. Ultimately, the intimacy ideas above will lead to an improvement in overall intimacy and a more satisfying sex life.
