Intimacy Ideas for Closer Connections

Do you ever think about how to make your relationship stronger? It’s something many of us consider. Chances are connecting with your partner might be tougher as time goes on. When you got married, talking to your spouse was probably simple, but as you both get older and busier, it might feel a bit harder.

Moreover, as a couple takes on the adventure of raising humans—you both find yourselves squeezing in moments for a romantic connection amidst laundry, homework, after school activities etc. Suddenly, that bond feels like yet another item on an already hectic list of responsibilities.

Building intimate relationships requires consistent effort, no matter how small and that’s what this blog is designed to do. Below we will give you intimacy ideas along with action items, if a couple does the items below they will find their intimacy and emotional connection drastically improve.

Passion Unleashed- 6 Intimacy Ideas

1. Prioritize sex. 

You and your partner/spouse must commit to nurturing your relationship’s physical aspect. It’s a big step to acknowledge that you’ve been overlooking passion. But once you do, you can begin having the discussions that will get you thinking about sex and eventually bump it up on your list of priorities.

There is no shame in saying, “Hey, we got caught up in life and left something behind that we really miss. Let’s agree to openly and honestly work on this together.” A satisfying sex life is often one of the first casualties of a busy and over-extended lifestyle.

This can only change when you and your partner decide to place sex back on the to-do list. If you and your partner skip the essential, mutual decision step, the likelihood increases exponentially that your relationship will continue to fall into a passion rut.

Action plan:  What is one thing you and your partner can do today toward committing to prioritizing sex? How will your partner know that you’ve made this commitment and that you plan to take it seriously?

2. Plan for sex. 

Once you’ve both agreed to make sex a priority, it’s time for some planning. When you create an action plan for passion, you’ve taken an important step toward increasing success. Too often, people have grand goals but lack the follow-through to reach these goals. This is frequently the result of poor planning.

Couples who fall into this trap have good intentions but end up growing distant and confused about why things aren’t clicking the way they should. It may seem unromantic to put sex on your running list of things to do, but be honest with yourself: isn’t it a fact that the things on your list usually get done? (Besides, having planned-for sex is far more romantic than not having any sex at all!)

If you’re serious about having a more meaningful love life, you might want to start prioritizing it by writing it down and taking it more seriously. Plan for sex using the same methods you use to plan for other essential things in your life. Let’s face it: if you didn’t think passion was important, you wouldn’t be reading this blog.

The reality for some couples is they’ve both decided to prioritize their careers, gym, networking, shopping, and other essential life maintenance tasks, and most of their energy is channeled in this direction. This priority has a clear relationship cost. Many couples are overbooked, overscheduled, and overcommitted.

When this occurs, something’s got to give, and usually, the relationship takes the hit. By failing to schedule time for lovemaking into their busy lives, couples are destined to fail unless they drastically change their lifestyles to such a degree that their days become less hectic.

At this point, you may be thinking: “Sex should be a spontaneous, natural experience. Planning for it will ruin the magic.” Not at all! Quite the contrary, many of the most enjoyable, rewarding things we experience in life are things we must plan for.

And when couples put effort into creating the time and space they need for physical intimacy, they temporarily take themselves away from the stresses of their hectic lives. This planned-for time and space actually allows spontaneity to flourish.

Action Plan: Pull out your planner and block out some time for intimacy with your partner. When you consider scheduling intimate time together, what feelings arise for you?

*Note any internal resistance toward this action plan and journal why you might be having this reaction. (When you set a call to action, sometimes hidden barriers emerge that are often tied to unexamined feelings you might harbor toward your partner/spouse.

3. Plan for romance. 

Romance is one of the most neglected aspects of a marriage or long-term relationship. When romance takes a nose-dive, so does affection, playfulness, nonsexual touch, and the messages that make your partner feel special.

Romance is a mindset, but more importantly, romance is action: Acts of romance feed romantic love, and romantic love feeds passion. A word for some of you men out there: Planning for sex doesn’t mean buying a new multivitamin and sprinting into the bedroom for a quickie (though if you’re both up for a quickie, go for it).

The type of sex that fosters a couple’s connection occurs within the context of a loving, intimate relationship. When you nurture romance and make your partner feel special, you set the stage for an evening of passion and great sex.

Couples often get stuck on the issue of romance because they hold overwhelming expectations about what romance entails. I often hear something along the lines of, “When we first started dating, I was Mr. Romance. I don’t have the time or energy to go through all that again…”

If romance = grand gestures in your mind, then you’re less likely to incorporate romantic gestures into your relationship. Romance doesn’t have to be costly or time-consuming (of course, it can if you want it to be). A sensual body massage with your partner’s favorite lotion can set just the right mood for passionate lovemaking. Pay attention to romance first, and sex will follow. 

Relationship Rule: Concerning romance, small gestures have a cumulative effect. But small romantic gestures are also easy to overlook, so it’s essential to make an effort to remain attuned to these small gestures.

Action Plan:  Ask your partner to write their definition of romance. You do the same. Then answer the following questions:

• What similarities and differences exist in how you each view romance?

• List at least three concrete actions you can take to become a more romantic spouse/partner.

• What are three concrete actions you can ask your partner/spouse to take to increase the romance in the relationship?

4. Break the Taboo: Talk about sex. 

Your assumptions about what your partner enjoys sexually might be standing in the way of a great sex life. Couples don’t talk about sex, not as much as they should. This is unfortunate because the best lovers ask questions of their partners. The message behind these questions is: “Teach me to be the kind of lover you need me to be.”

A curious lover is a generous lover. When communicating about each other’s sexual needs and what is and isn’t working in the bedroom, tact is required. Your goal is to educate your partner/spouse about what you want, not criticize them about what you’re not getting.

Sex is a sensitive topic that can easily scare your partner behind their psychic defenses. Without tact, your partner will likely hear the message that s/he is an inadequate lover—ouch!

Action Plan: Use the following two communication principles when discussing sensitive issues:

• Start with what’s working/what your partner is doing right. In short, start with the positive. This will make your partner feel good about themselves and be more receptive to your message.

• Focus on what you need rather than what your partner fails to give you. For instance,” I would love it if you touched me like that more” rather than “You did that once, and I said I liked it, and you stopped. What’s wrong with you?”

Relationship Rule: Regarding your relationship and sex, you and your partner are teachers and students. Don’t assume you know everything there is to know about your partner’s erotic longings and desires (even if you believe you know your partner really well).

You’re both evolving, so don’t assume their sexual desires are the same as when you first met. Ask your partner what turns them on today—in this moment.

Suppose you and your partner/spouse have a terrific sex life. In that case, you probably already know about each other’s sexual needs (whether you discovered this by chance or by openly communicating about your needs). But if sex between you is “just OK,” or you yearn for a more fulfilling sex life, then it’s time to start talking about sex!

5. Learn about your own sexual needs 

There will be times in your relationship when passion and sex take a backseat because other priorities need immediate attention (and some of these priorities can gobble up a substantial amount of your emotional and physical resources).

This is a common occurrence after having a child since the demands of caring for an infant and young child are exhausting. But does hitting the pause button on passion and sex mean that you and your partner have to abandon sensuality?

When you continue to touch one another (hand-holding, hugging, back rubs, etc.) and send messages that make each other feel special—even when sex is on a temporary hiatus—you feed the emotional bond that is the foundation of your relationship. When this occurs, endorphins are released that make you feel calm and content.

Take a moment and think about what your needs are. Your needs can be categorized into the following:

• Psychological needs 

• Emotional Needs 

• Physical Needs 

• Sexual Needs 

• Spiritual Needs 

• Intellectual Needs 

As you comb through the above categories, begin to list what your needs and wants are.

Note: It isn’t reasonable or realistic to think that all your needs will be met (or that your partner can meet them). Ideally, your most important needs will be met through various outlets, such as work, friends, family, intellectual and creative pursuits, etc. But a big part of being in an intimate relationship involves meeting (or at least trying to meet) each other’s needs.

When you and your partner begin having direct discussions about needs, allow for these “I don’t knows,” but don’t give up at this point. Be patient and try not to badger them.

One way to get around the barrier to knowing about each other’s sexual needs is to ask specific questions; here are a few to get you started:

• Did you like it when I _________?

• Was I too gentle/rough when I did __________?

• Should I do that longer?

• You seemed to like it when I________.

• Would you like me to do that more?

• I was thinking of trying________; what do you think/would you like that?

And any other questions that might be relevant to your relationship and love life. Many couples find it helpful to ask for feedback while in the act of making love.

Just one or two well-timed questions during sex can give you essential information about your partner—asked in a teasing/provocative manner; your questions can increase your partner’s excitement and add to the overall passion of lovemaking. But remember, keep it simple–too many questions can become a distraction from the physical sensations and pleasure you’re trying to give one another. 

6. Become less predictable. 

Some couples fall into a rut because their sexual routines have become too predictable. They have sex in the same place, at the same time, and go through the same sexual acts without any variety.

While familiarity is comforting and helps build trust, it can also become a little boring regarding sex. Uncertainty and novelty feed excitement and can give your sex life an electrical charge. There is research evidence to support this claim.

When you and your partner participate in novel activities (such as vacationing in a new location), the pleasure centers of your brain become more active—in particular, the neurotransmitters Dopamine and Norepinephrine are released in greater quantities.

These chemicals increase happiness and motivation and can make you feel more passionate. This is why couples feel excited and more in love while vacationing. So when you become less predictable, you kick-start your brain’s pleasure centers and set the stage for greater passion.

Action Plan: Ideally, you and your spouse/partner can work as a team and brainstorm about new and exciting sexual adventures you’d both like to create.

To prioritize emotional safety, you can each think about what you’ll need to feel safe with one another. You can write these down separately and then exchange lists. You both must commit to one another’s emotional safety lists.

*It’s important to note that becoming less predictable should not compromise the basic values of your relationship. To successfully stir the pot of passion, experimentation must occur within a stable, respectful relationship/marriage.

Once the ground rules of safety are established, write down something you’ve always wanted to try regarding passion or lovemaking and let your partner see it. Ask them to do the same. You mustn’t judge or criticize each other; just share your thoughts—think of this as a conversation of self and further discovery. Sometimes, it’s easier for couples to broach sensitive subjects in writing (it can diffuse some of the difficulty/ vulnerability).

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