There’s a common belief that genuine friendships happen effortlessly, but in reality, building meaningful connections can be quite challenging. Even if you’re naturally outgoing and have a history of fulfilling friendships, feelings of loneliness, insecurity, or exhaustion can still creep in, making you wish for deeper, more lasting connections. If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “I wish I had more friends,” you’re not alone.
So, what stands in the way of forming new friendships? Why isn’t it as simple as approaching someone, paying them a compliment, and instantly clicking? While this idea sounds appealing, the truth is that building true friendships takes more than a casual introduction. It often requires stepping outside your comfort zone, taking small risks in social interactions, and facing the fear of rejection. However, many people will appreciate your efforts to connect, making it worthwhile to push beyond your comfort zone.
Why We All Long for More Friends: The Deep Need to Belong
Friendship might not happen automatically, but the desire for it is undeniable. From the moment we’re born, we crave connection and a sense of belonging. It’s a fundamental part of being human—the longing to be understood, accepted, and loved.
Throughout our lives, we navigate the complexities of human connection, striving to fit in, to be seen, and to experience true intimacy. This need for connection runs deep, and it’s essential that we recognize it and learn how to nurture it.
While romantic love and parent-child relationships often dominate our attention, friendships are frequently sidelined. We read countless books on romance and parenting, acknowledging their importance in shaping our lives. Yet, friendships—relationships that often outlast romances and that we will likely have more of—tend to be viewed more casually.
Finding common interests is crucial when trying to make new friends. Establishing shared passions can streamline the process of forming meaningful connections, as it requires effort and the willingness to engage with various people to identify these interests.
Many of us rely on chance, hoping we’ll meet the right people at the right time, trusting that meaningful connections will develop naturally. Some may have been fortunate enough to see healthy friendships modeled around them, but many of us find ourselves navigating this terrain without guidance, assuming friendships should simply “happen.”
Unfortunately, few of us are equipped with the skills or understanding necessary to cultivate deep, meaningful friendships. It’s easy to either romanticize or downplay their importance, often overlooking how crucial they are to our well-being and our need to belong. Related Reading: How To Make Friends As An Adult
Idealized vs. Realistic: Understanding the Complexities of Female Friendship
Through rose-colored glasses, we often envision perfect groups of women who always show up for each other, no matter the obstacles, life stages, or relationships that come their way.
We’ve seen it in some of our favorite TV shows, where we find ourselves wishing for a group that knows and loves us unconditionally, accepting us as we are. In Sex and the City, it didn’t matter how different sexually liberated Samantha was from prim-and-proper Charlotte—they rarely judged and always loved each other.
However, in reality, it’s crucial to recognize the difference between genuine friends and fake friends. Valuing quality over quantity in friendships ensures that we surround ourselves with reliable and beneficial relationships, rather than superficial ones.
Whether it’s the single life portrayed in Friends or the married-with-kids chaos of Desperate Housewives, friendship is consistently shown as the one relationship that remains constant through all of life’s highs and lows.
Why TV Friendships Ruin Us
While many see the tight-knit groups from TV shows as the ideal of friendship, others may view female friendships through the lens of reality spin-offs like The Real Housewives. If those friendships are “real,” many of us would prefer to pass.
Shows like these portray women as competitive, catty, and full of backstabbing drama—popularizing terms like “toxic friend” and “frenemy.” And unfortunately, these hurtful dynamics aren’t limited to TV.
We carry the scars from childhood and adolescence—memories of embarrassment, rejection, and feeling like we never quite fit in with “the cool girls.” Reality TV and these painful past experiences reinforce the idea that friendship is fraught with disappointment and drama.
In an attempt to protect ourselves from what we don’t want, we can begin to devalue what friendship can actually be.
Some of us point to unhealthy relationships as proof that we don’t need a group of close friends, equating friendship with drama. We resist the idea of building a circle of friends, maybe because we still picture those stereotypical high school cliques. Or, we may just shrug and claim we’re “not joiners.”
Yet, despite our quirks and painful memories, we find ourselves wishing for just a little more love and support in our lives.
Close Friendships Matter
Make no mistake—friendships are crucial. While romantic and familial bonds are cherished, our longing for deeper connections with friends doesn’t go away. We shouldn’t lose faith in meaningful friendships.
Disappointments don’t erase the potential for real, authentic bonds, just like a failed marriage doesn’t mean you can’t find love again.
Your past doesn’t define your ability to create new friendships. Meaningful connections take effort, but the rewards are invaluable. After all, few important things in life come effortlessly.
Why don’t we have as many friends as we would like?
Despite our desire for deeper connections, several barriers often hold us back from forming new friendships. Many people feel lonely due to a lack of long-term friendships, even if they have fulfilling lives with accomplishments and new friends. These challenges, whether rooted in personal insecurities, past experiences, or societal pressures, can make it difficult to bridge the gap between wanting more friends and actually creating those bonds.
Issue #1: The Belief That Friendships Used to Happen Automatically
It’s easy to look back and think friendships simply fell into place, especially when we recall how effortlessly they seemed to form in our youth.
Take my childhood best friend, Lauren, for example. We were inseparable—sharing inside jokes, whispering about crushes, and begging for sleepovers. An entire day together never felt like enough. Back then, we were sure our bond would last forever.
Even today, I catch myself longing for that kind of deep connection and loyalty with old friends. But looking closer, I realize those friendships didn’t magically materialize out of thin air.
What seemed like effortless connections during childhood—whether on the playground, at camp, or in dorms—was really just the result of consistency. We saw the same group of peers daily, whether at school or in the neighborhood, creating opportunities for friendships to form through repeated exposure.
Many of us have experienced something similar in the workplace, where regular interactions can spark meaningful connections. Consistency breeds familiarity, and from that familiarity, friendships often blossom.
Once we recognize that friendships don’t just “happen,” but require intentional effort, we can stop waiting for chance encounters and take control of our social lives. By actively creating opportunities for consistent interactions—whether through regular meetups or shared activities—we can cultivate the deep, lasting friendships we crave.
Issue #2: The Myth of Forever Friendships
Many of us are raised with the notion of the BFF—our Best Friend Forever—placing a strong emphasis on the “Forever” part. However, as we journey through life, we soon realize that friendships are not always meant to last indefinitely.
Take my friend Lauren, for example. While we still maintain a connection, our lives have taken different paths, and we no longer spend countless hours together like we used to. Similarly, my high school best friend’s updates are now limited to what she shares on Instagram, and my college roommate has moved across the country. Friendships inevitably change.
Accepting that most friendships won’t last forever
Research conducted by Dr. Irene Levine suggests that, on average, we will make around 396 friends in our lifetime but only stay in touch with one out of every twelve. Staying connected with someone doesn’t necessarily equate to maintaining a deep friendship, especially in today’s increasingly mobile world, where geographical distances often separate us from our closest companions.
Furthermore, recent studies indicate that we tend to replace half of our friends every seven years, highlighting the dynamic nature of our social circles. As old friendships naturally fade, it becomes our responsibility to welcome new connections into our lives.
Our lives are constantly evolving, and with each passing phase, our friendships undergo transformation as well. We must embrace the reality that friendships, like life itself, are subject to change. Even if we cherish long-term friendships, we must remain open to forming new connections and gracefully navigating the various stages of friendship, including enhancement, repair, transition, and, sometimes, closure.
Understanding that most friendships are not meant to last forever allows us to release unrealistic expectations and appreciate the value of each relationship, regardless of its duration. While we should strive to nurture loving and enduring connections, we must also acknowledge that the concept of “forever” may not always apply in the realm of friendships.
Issue #3: The Stigma of Seeking Friendship
Expressing a desire for more friends can be daunting. We often associate loneliness or a lack of social connections with personal inadequacy or failure. The image of a solitary individual, isolated and withdrawn, conjures feelings of shame and embarrassment. However, loneliness does not discriminate—it affects people from all walks of life, regardless of their outward success or popularity.
Our egos may resist acknowledging our need for companionship, instead emphasizing our likability and social prowess. We hastily list acquaintances as friends, ignoring the reality that genuine connections require time and effort to maintain. We fear being perceived as lonely or undesirable, reluctant to admit that we crave deeper connections with others. This reluctance is often compounded by social anxiety, which makes it even harder to form and maintain meaningful friendships.
While we readily discuss other personal challenges, such as financial struggles or weight management, admitting to a lack of friends remains taboo. We hesitate to disclose our search for companionship, fearing judgment or rejection. However, the need for new friendships is as natural as embarking on a new life chapter or pursuing romantic relationships.
As we evolve and undergo life transitions, our social circles naturally shift. While some friendships may endure, many will ebb and flow, reflecting our changing identities and aspirations. Embracing this fluidity allows us to cultivate meaningful connections that align with our present selves.
Seeking new friends is not a sign of weakness but a testament to our willingness to grow and evolve. It is a vital part of our ongoing journey towards self-discovery and fulfillment. Letting go of the stigma surrounding the pursuit of friendship empowers us to forge genuine connections that enrich our lives.
Issue #4: The Illusion of Effortless Friendship
There’s a pervasive myth that friendships should effortlessly fall into place, leaving us blameless if we find ourselves lacking the connections we desire. We convince ourselves that fate will intervene, introducing us to the perfect companion who understands and accepts us without effort. It’s easier to passively wait for fate to deliver a friend than to actively seek out new connections.
However, clinging to this myth is harmful, particularly when studies reveal that many individuals are just one close relationship away from social isolation. The prevalence of loneliness, despite our extensive networks, underscores the fallacy of waiting for friendships to materialize on their own. In reality, genuine connections require proactive effort and genuine engagement.
We often find ourselves waiting for others to initiate contact or express interest in us, delaying potential friendships in the process. We hesitate to reach out, fearing rejection or awkwardness. Yet, friendship-making rarely feels easy or automatic—it requires persistence, vulnerability, and a willingness to step outside our comfort zones.
Despite our reluctance to admit it, we secretly yearn for the serendipitous arrival of a kindred spirit who effortlessly fits into our lives. We crave instant recognition and mutual understanding, hoping that our busy schedules will miraculously align to accommodate this newfound connection. But friendships don’t materialize out of thin air; they are forged through intentional effort and genuine engagement.
While the prospect of making new friends may seem daunting, it’s a challenge we’ve conquered before and must confront again. By acknowledging the illusion of effortless friendship and embracing the reality of proactive connection-building, we empower ourselves to cultivate meaningful relationships that enrich our lives.
Overcoming the Challenges of Making New Friends
Making new friends can be a daunting task, especially as an adult. Many people struggle with feelings of loneliness and disconnection, wishing they had more friends or a stronger social network. However, with the right mindset and approach, it is possible to overcome the challenges of making new friends and build meaningful relationships.
How do I start making friends?
Imagine holding something with open hands—palms up, relaxed yet intentional. This gesture symbolizes a mindset of receptivity and readiness, inviting the flow of life’s offerings without grasping or resistance.
Open hands signify a willingness to receive, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. They are not limp or closed in fear; instead, they remain poised to embrace whatever comes their way.
Finding common interests when trying to make new friends is crucial. Establishing shared passions can streamline the process of forming meaningful connections, as it requires effort and the willingness to engage with various people to identify these interests.
With open hands, there is no pushing away or clinging tightly. Walls are not erected, and defenses are lowered, allowing connections to be formed and experiences to be savored.
These open hands are not stretched to their limits, greedily trying to hold onto everything at once. Instead, they provide a safe container for the gifts of life, appreciating their value without attempting to possess or control them.
Approaching life with open hands means showing up with a gentle yet firm readiness—a readiness to love, cherish, and embrace each moment as it unfolds. It’s a stance that acknowledges our worthiness to receive goodness and our capacity to give and receive love.
However, holding onto something too tightly can have unintended consequences. Clinging to one thing may prevent us from welcoming new opportunities or experiencing the fullness of life’s abundance.
Just as open hands allow gifts to enter our lives freely, they also grant them the freedom to depart when the time comes. We cannot control the ebb and flow of life; attempting to do so only leads to disappointment and frustration.
Ultimately, the choice to keep our hands open is a symbolic gesture—one that signifies our willingness to embrace life’s uncertainties and impermanence. By relinquishing our grip on the past and releasing our need for control, we open ourselves to a world of endless possibilities and profound connections.
Embracing the Promise of Open Hands
Open hands serve as a powerful reminder—a reminder to engage fully with life’s experiences, to embrace both joy and loss and to find contentment in every moment.
They teach us the art of letting go, unclenching our fists, and finding peace amidst life’s uncertainties. With open hands, we learn to expect, to hope, and to cherish, welcoming each experience with gratitude and acceptance.
These open hands are not just symbols; they are invitations—to embrace, to hug, and to cherish the people in our lives, both present and past. They remind us to feel grateful for the relationships we’ve had, even as we acknowledge that some may have flown away.
But amidst the ebb and flow of life, our open hands offer a promise—a promise of a future filled with more love, more connections, and more blessings. They remind us that not everything is meant to last forever, and that’s okay.
Emotional growth involves learning to hold gratitude for the blessings we have now, the ones we’ve had in the past, and those that are still to come. With open hands, we embrace the promise of what lies ahead, trusting in the beauty of life’s ever-unfolding journey.
