There’s a pervasive myth that genuine friendship effortlessly materializes, but the truth is that fostering connections is a challenging process. Even if you’re naturally outgoing and have a history of fulfilling friendships, feelings of loneliness, insecurity, and exhaustion can persist, leaving you longing for deeper connections. If you’ve ever found yourself muttering, “I wish I had more friends,” you’re not alone.
But what exactly impedes us from forming friendships? Why can’t we simply approach someone, express admiration, and effortlessly forge a bond? While this scenario seems plausible, genuine friendships require more than just a casual introduction.
Why we all wish we had more friends – the need to belong
Friendship may not happen automatically, but the desire for it remains undeniable. From the moment we enter this world, we yearn to belong and to connect with others in meaningful ways. It’s a fundamental aspect of the human experience, an innate longing to be understood, accepted, and loved.
We spend our lives navigating the intricacies of human connection, striving to fit in, to be recognized, and to experience genuine intimacy. This blog delves into that profound hunger for connection, urging us to heed its call and explore how to satiate it.
While much attention is given to romantic love and parent-child relationships, friendships often take a backseat in our collective consciousness. We devour books on romance and parenting, recognizing their significance in shaping our lives. Yet, when it comes to friendships—the relationships that will likely outnumber our romantic partners and children—we often adopt a more laissez-faire attitude.
We hope that serendipity will lead us to the right people at the right time, effortlessly guiding us in nurturing these connections. While some may have been fortunate enough to witness healthy platonic relationships modeled around them, many of us are left to navigate this terrain blindly, assuming that forming and maintaining friendships should come naturally.
Few of us have been equipped with the necessary skills and understanding to cultivate meaningful friendships. It’s all too easy to either romanticize or trivialize the importance of these relationships, overlooking their profound impact on our well-being and sense of belonging.
Related Reading: How To Make Friends As An Adult
Idealized vs. Realistic: Navigating the Complexities of Female Friendship
Wearing our rose-colored glasses, we picture these perfect tribes of women who always show up for each other no matter what obstacles, life stages, or relationships enter the picture.
From some of our favorite TV shows, we have found ourselves wishing for a group that knows us and loves us, accepting us just as we are. On Sex and the City, it didn’t matter how opposite sexually active Samantha and prim-and-proper Charlotte were from each other; they rarely judged and always loved each other.
Whether it’s the single life of those on Friends—or the married-with-kids lives of Desperate Housewives—friendship is consistently highlighted as the one relationship that is constant through all of life’s ups and downs.
Why Tv friendships ruin us
While most people view these tight groups as ideal friendships, some view female friendships more like those depicted in reality spin-offs such as The Real Housewives (pick which show). And if that’s a “real” friendship, we’ll take a pass.
We can see women as competitive, catty, dramatic, and filled with backstabbing rivals; shows such as these have made the words toxic friend and frenemy all too common. And those hurtful actions aren’t limited to TV.
It’s inconceivable to get through childhood and adolescence without scars of embarrassment, feelings of rejection, and an overall sense of never quite feeling like we fit in with whomever we deem “the cool girls.”
This reality shows, and painful childhood stories reinforce some of our own memories of friends who disappointed us over the years, and if we’re not careful, we risk devaluing what friendship can be in our attempt to protect ourselves from what we don’t want it to be.
Some of us point to unhealthy relationships as evidence that we don’t need a group of close friends, believing drama and friendship are the same.
We might resist the idea of girlfriends because we picture the stereotypical high school cliques. Or, maybe we just shrug our shoulders and claim not to be joiners. And yet, for all our quirks and painful memories, here we are, still wishing we had a wee bit more love and support in our lives.
But let’s be clear: friendships matter.
Friendships are crucial. While we cherish romantic and familial bonds, the longing for deep connections persists. Let’s not lose faith in meaningful friendships.
Disappointments don’t negate the potential for genuine connections, just as failed marriages don’t foreclose the possibility of future happiness.
Similarly, past experiences don’t define our ability to cultivate new friendships. Building lasting bonds requires effort, but the rewards are invaluable. After all, few meaningful endeavors in life are effortless.
Here are the reasons most of us feel we wish we had more friends but don’t
Issue #1: Friendships Used to Happen Automatically
We’re often tempted to believe that friendships just naturally fall into place because we have fond memories of relationships that felt effortless and seamless.
Take my childhood best friend, Lauren, for example. We were inseparable. We shared giggles over inside jokes, whispered about crushes, and pleaded with our parents for sleepovers. Spending an entire day together never felt like enough. We were convinced that our friendship would last a lifetime.
Even now, I find myself longing for the kind of deep connection and unwavering loyalty that seemed to materialize effortlessly. However, upon closer reflection, I realize that friendships didn’t simply materialize out of thin air.
While it may have seemed like friendships spontaneously occurred during childhood—whether on the playground, at summer camp, or in college dorms—what actually transpired was consistency. We interacted with the same group of peers regularly, whether due to school, shared living arrangements, or neighborhood dynamics. It was the repeated exposure to one another that facilitated the bonds of friendship, not some mystical force.
Many of us experience a similar dynamic in the workplace, where regular interaction with colleagues can lead to meaningful connections that might not have occurred otherwise. Consistency breeds familiarity, and familiarity often paves the way for friendship.
Understanding that friendships require intentional effort rather than relying on happenstance allows us to take control of our social lives. Instead of waiting for friendships to magically materialize, we can actively cultivate them by prioritizing consistent interactions with chosen individuals. While it may require more deliberate scheduling and planning, the investment in quality time together is well worth the effort.
Issue #2: The Myth of Forever Friendships
Many of us are raised with the notion of the BFF—our Best Friend Forever—placing a strong emphasis on the “Forever” part. However, as we journey through life, we soon realize that friendships are not always meant to last indefinitely.
Take my friend Lauren, for example. While we still maintain a connection, our lives have taken different paths, and we no longer spend countless hours together like we used to. Similarly, my high school best friend’s updates are now limited to what she shares on Instagram, and my college roommate has moved across the country. Friendships inevitably change.
Accepting that most friendships won’t last forever
Research conducted by Dr. Irene Levine suggests that, on average, we will make around 396 friends in our lifetime but only stay in touch with one out of every twelve. Staying connected with someone doesn’t necessarily equate to maintaining a deep friendship, especially in today’s increasingly mobile world, where geographical distances often separate us from our closest companions.
Furthermore, recent studies indicate that we tend to replace half of our friends every seven years, highlighting the dynamic nature of our social circles. As old friendships naturally fade, it becomes our responsibility to welcome new connections into our lives.
Our lives are constantly evolving, and with each passing phase, our friendships undergo transformation as well. We must embrace the reality that friendships, like life itself, are subject to change. Even if we cherish long-term friendships, we must remain open to forming new connections and gracefully navigating the various stages of friendship, including enhancement, repair, transition, and, sometimes, closure.
Understanding that most friendships are not meant to last forever allows us to release unrealistic expectations and appreciate the value of each relationship, regardless of its duration. While we should strive to nurture loving and enduring connections, we must also acknowledge that the concept of “forever” may not always apply in the realm of friendships.
Issue #3: The Stigma of Seeking Friendship
Expressing a desire for more friends can be daunting. We often associate loneliness or a lack of social connections with personal inadequacy or failure. The image of a solitary individual, isolated and withdrawn, conjures feelings of shame and embarrassment. However, loneliness does not discriminate—it affects people from all walks of life, regardless of their outward success or popularity.
Our egos may resist acknowledging our need for companionship, instead emphasizing our likability and social prowess. We hastily list acquaintances as friends, ignoring the reality that genuine connections require time and effort to maintain. We fear being perceived as lonely or undesirable, reluctant to admit that we crave deeper connections with others.
While we readily discuss other personal challenges, such as financial struggles or weight management, admitting to a lack of friends remains taboo. We hesitate to disclose our search for companionship, fearing judgment or rejection. However, the need for new friendships is as natural as embarking on a new life chapter or pursuing romantic relationships.
As we evolve and undergo life transitions, our social circles naturally shift. While some friendships may endure, many will ebb and flow, reflecting our changing identities and aspirations. Embracing this fluidity allows us to cultivate meaningful connections that align with our present selves.
Seeking new friends is not a sign of weakness but a testament to our willingness to grow and evolve. It is a vital part of our ongoing journey towards self-discovery and fulfillment. Letting go of the stigma surrounding the pursuit of friendship empowers us to forge genuine connections that enrich our lives.
Issue #4: The Illusion of Effortless Friendship
There’s a pervasive myth that friendships should effortlessly fall into place, leaving us blameless if we find ourselves lacking the connections we desire. We convince ourselves that fate will intervene, introducing us to the perfect companion who understands and accepts us without effort. It’s easier to passively wait for fate to deliver a friend than to actively seek out new connections.
However, clinging to this myth is harmful, particularly when studies reveal that many individuals are just one close relationship away from social isolation. The prevalence of loneliness, despite our extensive networks, underscores the fallacy of waiting for friendships to materialize on their own. In reality, genuine connections require proactive effort and genuine engagement.
We often find ourselves waiting for others to initiate contact or express interest in us, delaying potential friendships in the process. We hesitate to reach out, fearing rejection or awkwardness. Yet, friendship-making rarely feels easy or automatic—it requires persistence, vulnerability, and a willingness to step outside our comfort zones.
Despite our reluctance to admit it, we secretly yearn for the serendipitous arrival of a kindred spirit who effortlessly fits into our lives. We crave instant recognition and mutual understanding, hoping that our busy schedules will miraculously align to accommodate this newfound connection. But friendships don’t materialize out of thin air; they are forged through intentional effort and genuine engagement.
While the prospect of making new friends may seem daunting, it’s a challenge we’ve conquered before and must confront again. By acknowledging the illusion of effortless friendship and embracing the reality of proactive connection-building, we empower ourselves to cultivate meaningful relationships that enrich our lives.
If you find yourself saying I wish I had more friends. A great option is to start embracing friendship & life with open hands
Imagine holding something with open hands—palms up, relaxed yet intentional. This gesture symbolizes a mindset of receptivity and readiness, inviting the flow of life’s offerings without grasping or resistance.
Open hands signify a willingness to receive, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. They are not limp or closed in fear; instead, they remain poised to embrace whatever comes their way.
With open hands, there is no pushing away or clinging tightly. Walls are not erected, and defenses are lowered, allowing connections to be formed and experiences to be savored.
These open hands are not stretched to their limits, greedily trying to hold onto everything at once. Instead, they provide a safe container for the gifts of life, appreciating their value without attempting to possess or control them.
Approaching life with open hands means showing up with a gentle yet firm readiness—a readiness to love, cherish, and embrace each moment as it unfolds. It’s a stance that acknowledges our worthiness to receive goodness and our capacity to give and receive love.
However, holding onto something too tightly can have unintended consequences. Clinging to one thing may prevent us from welcoming new opportunities or experiencing the fullness of life’s abundance.
Just as open hands allow gifts to enter our lives freely, they also grant them the freedom to depart when the time comes. We cannot control the ebb and flow of life; attempting to do so only leads to disappointment and frustration.
Ultimately, the choice to keep our hands open is a symbolic gesture—one that signifies our willingness to embrace life’s uncertainties and impermanence. By relinquishing our grip on the past and releasing our need for control, we open ourselves to a world of endless possibilities and profound connections.
Embracing the Promise of Open Hands
Open hands serve as a powerful reminder—a reminder to engage fully with life’s experiences, to embrace both joy and loss and to find contentment in every moment.
They teach us the art of letting go, unclenching our fists, and finding peace amidst life’s uncertainties. With open hands, we learn to expect, to hope, and to cherish, welcoming each experience with gratitude and acceptance.
These open hands are not just symbols; they are invitations—to embrace, to hug, and to cherish the people in our lives, both present and past. They remind us to feel grateful for the relationships we’ve had, even as we acknowledge that some may have flown away.
But amidst the ebb and flow of life, our open hands offer a promise—a promise of a future filled with more love, more connections, and more blessings. They remind us that not everything is meant to last forever, and that’s okay.
Emotional growth involves learning to hold gratitude for the blessings we have now, the ones we’ve had in the past, and those that are still to come. With open hands, we embrace the promise of what lies ahead, trusting in the beauty of life’s ever-unfolding journey.
