Midori and I have experienced various friendship breakups in the past decade. However, over the last two years, we’ve encountered the loss of several friendships that had endured for almost a decade. Recently, we’ve found ourselves reflecting on the discomfort of friendship breakups.
In our discussions, we’ve noticed parallels between our experiences and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. While many are unfamiliar with Kubler-Ross, her theory suggests that all endings follow a certain process. Though we often don’t acknowledge it, friendship breakups also undergo a similar journey of closure.
So, let’s explore how to get over a friendship breakup, by first taking a look at the stages you might go through.
What are the stages you go through during a friendship breakup?
When friendships end, it can be really tough. Just like when someone passes away, you might go through different stages of feelings. From not wanting to believe it’s over to finally accepting it, each step has its own challenges. Below, we’ll walk through these stages to help make sense of what you might be feeling. Remember when attempting to get over a friendship breakup all feelings are normal!
Denying the friendship breakup
At first, it’s natural to resist the idea that a friendship is deteriorating. We might brush off signs of trouble, convincing ourselves that everything is fine. Even when faced with clear evidence, such as unanswered messages or canceled plans, we cling to the belief that the friendship remains intact.
We reassure ourselves with thoughts like, “They’re probably just busy. We’re still as close as ever. They’ll respond eventually.” This denial shields us from the pain of acknowledging the cracks forming in the relationship.
Becoming angry at the friend
As the reality of the friendship’s demise sinks in, anger often surfaces. We might feel a mix of emotions, including hurt and disappointment. These feelings can manifest as anger directed at our former friend. We might find ourselves stewing over perceived slights or unmet expectations.
In our frustration, we might even lash out, either directly at the friend or indirectly to other friends. This stage can be marked by a sense of injustice and a desire to assign blame for the breakdown of the friendship.
Bargaining with yourself on how to become friends again
This stage involves a desperate attempt to salvage the friendship, often at the cost of compromising one’s own values, expectations, or mental health. We might find ourselves making concessions or attempting to negotiate with our former friend in a bid to restore the relationship to its former state.
However, this can lead to a sense of feeling worse in the long run, as we may compromise too much or feel like a pushover for trying to win back someone who has already moved on. Despite the futility of bargaining, it’s a normal impulse driven by the brain’s desire to restore a sense of equilibrium and regain what it perceives as missing or necessary for emotional well-being.
Becoming depressed about the friendship breakup
In this stage, the harsh reality of the situation sinks in; the friendship ended. The pain of a lost friendship can be intense and overwhelming, akin to the pain experienced in a romantic breakup. However, unlike a romantic breakup, there are no cinematic portrayals or comforting tubs of ice cream to help us cope with a friend breakup.
Avoiding this stage of the process can be detrimental to our well-being. It’s important to acknowledge and own our feelings of sadness and despair rather than trying to suppress them, as suppressing emotions can lead to them festering and lingering longer. Instead, allowing ourselves to feel the sadness and breathing through it can be the most effective way to move forward gradually.
Accepting that not all relationships are meant to be forever
In this stage, the effort to breathe through the pain diminishes, and life begins to feel more bearable again. While things may not be completely resolved, there’s a sense of letting go and moving forward. However, it’s crucial to understand that the stages of grief are not a linear or straightforward process. They are recursive, characterized by relapses, remorse, regret, and memories resurfacing. The prefix “re-” in words like remorse and regret signifies repetition, reflecting the cyclical nature of emotions and memories.
Reaching acceptance doesn’t mean everything is magically resolved or that all the pain disappears. Human beings don’t heal from loss in a neat and logical manner because emotions are complex and unpredictable. It’s normal to think you’ve moved on from a lost friendship only to feel the urge to check their social media, ask other friends how they are doing or attempt to reconnect.
When faced with these temptations, the best course of action is to pause, take a deep breath, and acknowledge the feelings of longing and loss (these things are normal when navigating a friendship breakup).
Should I contact my friend again or stalk their on social media?
It’s natural to feel tempted to reach out to your friend, ask your mutual friends how they are doing, or check up on them on social media, especially when you’re longing for connection or closure. However, before you take any action, it’s essential to consider the potential consequences:
- Best Case Scenario: Your friend realizes the value of your friendship, acknowledges their mistakes, and works towards rebuilding the relationship. While this outcome is possible, it’s essential to be realistic about whether it’s likely to happen and whether it would truly be in your best interest.
- Worst Case Scenario: Your friend shows little to no interest in reconnecting, or worse, they respond negatively or treat you poorly. Reaching out could potentially reopen old wounds or lead to further hurt and disappointment.
- Most Likely Scenario: Deep down, you likely have a sense of how your friend is likely to respond based on your past interactions and the circumstances surrounding the friendship breakup. Trust your intuition and consider whether reaching out is worth the emotional risk involved.
Ultimately, the decision to contact your friend again or engage with them on social media is yours to make. However, it’s crucial to prioritize your mental health and emotional well-being and consider whether reopening the lines of communication is genuinely in your best interest.
Sometimes, maintaining distance and focusing on your own healing is the healthiest choice, even if it feels challenging at the moment. Trust yourself, and remember that your worth and happiness are not dependent on the actions or opinions of others.
Think about what advice you would give someone else in the same situation.
If someone you loved deeply was about to make a decision that could potentially lead to hurt or harm, you would undoubtedly want to protect them and offer guidance. In the same way, it’s crucial to extend that same level of care and compassion to yourself.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, just like anyone else you cherish. When considering whether to reconnect with a friend or engage in any action that may reopen old wounds, remember to prioritize your well-being above all else.
Moving on from a friendship breakup, like any form of grief, takes time and patience. Allow yourself the space and time to heal, and don’t hesitate to lean on the support of your romantic partner, a family member, or other people from your friend groups.
Ultimately, remember that you are worthy of love, care, and protection. Trust yourself to make choices that honor your worth and prioritize your happiness and emotional health above all else.
How do you get over an ended friendship- find out what you need right now!
It’s common for society to think that a friendship breakup will never happen. We seem to believe that friendships will last indefinitely, which can make a friendship breakup feel like uncharted territory. However, this also means you have the freedom to create your own process for grieving and healing from the loss.
Remember, feeling hurt and grieving lost friendships is completely okay. However, just like in a physical emergency, seeking support and help is vital during emotional crises. Don’t hesitate to reach out to others for support and comfort, and don’t overlook the importance of caring for yourself during this time.
While it might be tempting to search for a deeper meaning or lesson behind the pain, it’s important not to subscribe to the idea that suffering is a punishment or a lesson from God. Instead, view these experiences as opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
Through the pain of losing a friend, you can learn valuable lessons about your own boundaries, the nature of adult friendships, and the importance of self-compassion. Though these lessons may not erase the pain, they can help guide you toward healthier connections (with new friends) and a more compassionate relationship with yourself and others in the future.
Moving Forward: Additional Steps for Healing and Growth
- Reflect on the Friendship: Reflect on the friendship and what you gained from it, even if it has ended. This reflection can help you appreciate the positive aspects of the relationship and understand what you value in future friendships moving forward.
- Seek Closure (If Necessary): If the friendship breakup feels unresolved, seeking closure through a conversation or letter may be helpful. However, ensure that you have and can set boundaries and prioritize your own emotional well-being in this process.
- Explore New Connections: While it’s natural to mourn the loss of a friendship, it’s also an opportunity to open yourself up to new connections and experiences. Invest your time in activities you enjoy and be open to organically forming new friendships.
- Consider Professional Help: If feelings of grief and loss become overwhelming or persist for an extended period, seek support from a therapist or counselor. Professional help can provide additional tools and strategies for coping with the emotional impact of losing a friend.
Conclusion
As we reflect on the journey through these stages of coping with ended friendships, we recognize the diverse emotional landscape we traversed. From anger to depression, each stage illuminated the significance of these relationships in our lives. Memories cherished, time invested, and emotional energy expended all colored the tapestry of these connections.
Yet, with the benefit of hindsight, we now perceive the necessity of these friendships concluding. They not only shaped our individual experiences but also influenced our marriage dynamics. In one instance, the constant emotional demands of a friend left Midori drained, impacting our marital bond. In another, the prioritization of a friendship sometimes overshadowed the importance of our partnership.
These reflections underscore a fundamental truth: our marriage is, and always will be, a paramount priority. It serves as the bedrock of our lives, providing a stable foundation upon which all other relationships are built. While friendships hold value, they cannot supersede the commitment and connection we share as spouses.
As we move forward, we encourage you, too, to consider the broader implications of your relationships. Recognize the newfound capacity and energy available to invest in yourself and other friendships. Embrace the lessons learned and the priorities clarified, allowing them to guide you toward a more balanced and fulfilling life journey.
And remember a friendship breakup is not the end but a new beginning!
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