How To Argue Without Killing Each Other

If people are honest about how much of the time they pay full attention to their partner’s words, 50 percent would be a generous estimate. Based on calculations from different therapists, it is more realistic to assume that each partner pays attention to their spouse around 30 percent of the time. 

The other 70 percent are distracted thinking about the kids, work, God, gas prices, TV, eating, email, working out, Instagram, etc. Hence, the likelihood that both partners pay attention to each other simultaneously is roughly about 9 percent (.3 x .3 = .9). 

This means that 91 percent of the time, their relationship is ripe for miscommunication. Both partners are going to mess up plenty. Everything is fine one minute; the next, your brain shouts, “incoming!”

This blog is to help you navigate those incoming moments, to give you the tools necessary to work through the conflict and come out still loving each other!

How To Argue

When an unexpected quarrel occurs, it can feel like an artillery attack. How much damage the regrettable incident wreaks depends on whether you and your partner process it afterward, learn from it, and move on. 

If you cannot take these steps, the argument will linger in your active memory and increase negative feelings. 

To have an argument that does not linger for the next day, week, month or year, a couple should take turns speaking and listening in a structured manner. 

The Structure Of An Argument

First, the speaker shares all their thoughts, feelings, and needs on the issue. The listener digests the other’s perspective and communicates a thorough understanding of the partner’s position. Then, the two switch roles. 

This approach may sound familiar because it is similar to a popular method of conflict resolution called active listening. In the latter, you take turns expressing yourself and repeating what the other has said to confirm that you understand. 

But there’s a critical difference between the two methods. In classic active listening, the sole responsibility for remaining calm and keeping the discussion on track belongs to the listener. 

After your partner says, “You don’t care! You’re never home! You’re so selfish!” you’re supposed to respond with something like, “I hear you say that you wish I worked less,” and not get defensive. The problem is that you are going to get defensive. 

Everybody does when under attack. The more threatened you become, the more likely you’ll lose the ability to respond with understanding and empathy. 

The Gottman-Rapoport method for arguing sidesteps this problem by making the speaker as responsible as the listener for success. Both partners have rules they must follow so that neither feels threatened.

As with any new skill, implementing a structured argument will feel strange and awkward at first, but after time, the process will feel natural.   

How To Have A (Somewhat) Peaceful Argument

Chances are the argument started, and you both hit the roof. In this scenario, we encourage you to stop the discussion and take twenty minutes to calm down. 

Do not spend the time stewing or otherwise thinking about the conflict. Reengage only when your heart rate is back to baseline. Taking a break can have a dramatic effect. A break allows partners to return looking and sounding logical, neutral, empathic, and attentive, not to mention their humor returns. Once you both have calmed down, you can implement the following tactics to argue:

Start With The Good

Both partners should start by highlighting recent positive aspects of your relationship, as this can alleviate tension and enhance cooperation. Although it may seem simple, expressing gratitude for the often-overlooked small acts of kindness can be remarkably effective. When it’s your turn to receive appreciation, remember to express gratitude after each one, as this common courtesy ensures your partner doesn’t feel their appreciation was taken for granted.

Recommended Reading: 19 Ways To Show Your Spouse You Love Them

Pick One Area

When couples argue, there is a tendency to talk about multiple issues, pick one, and focus on that for the rest of the discussion. It can be tempting to lay it all out when you have the floor and your partner is “forced” to listen. 

Resist the temptation to let loose over every irritating or boneheaded move your partner has made.

Take Turns Speaking & Listening   

During the argument, you can expect to trade off between speaker and listener roles multiple times as you work through different dimensions of the disagreement. When it’s your turn to speak, you retain the floor for as long as you need to express your feelings and perspective. 

Your job is not to persuade your partner about how right you are or to recommend an immediate compromise. I know it is hard to suppress the desire to convince the other, but negotiation would be counterproductive at this point. Both the speaker and the listener have jobs; you can discover them below:

How A Speaker Can Be Effective In A Conflict   

1. Be Aware Of Your Delivery/ Tone/ Statements

Pay attention to your words and manner to avoid making your partner feel cornered and defensive. Remember, the goal is to discuss the problem without triggering flooding in your partner. Accusations and criticism will only backfire. Here are three pointers to help you remain aware of your delivery style: 

“I” statements 
This advice is so common that it’s almost a cliché of marriage counseling—but for a good reason. Sometimes, during a client session, I’ll point my finger at each of them and yell, “YOU!” Then, I ask how I made them feel. They consistently report an immediate jump in their heart rate or other negative physical reactions to this experiment. 

The word you is powerful during conflict discussions—and too often, its force isn’t used for good. Remember, “I” statements reflect the speaker’s feelings and experience and avoid criticizing a partner. When you say, “I wish you had gotten to the restaurant on time. I felt embarrassed sitting there alone waiting for you,” the focus is on your experience and perception. 

This gentler approach increases the odds that your partner will respond without being critical or defensive and perhaps even apologize. In contrast, a “you” statement criticizes your partner’s motives, feelings, behavior, or personality. 

Stay out of the Nasty Box
What’s the nasty box, you ask? You know all the passive-aggressive things we say to push buttons on our spouse. When you speak, try and stick to the facts of the situation. Here are some examples: 

• The garbage hasn’t been taken out

• The laptop isn’t charged

• The kids weren’t picked up on time 

These statements simply state the facts and nothing more!

Be sensitive to your partner’s triggers 
We all have some scars, and these scars quickly escalate the conflict. Keep your knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses in your working memory when speaking. For instance:

If your spouse is sensitive about feeling excluded, be gentle when suggesting they stay home the night of your high school reunion because you want time alone with your old buddies. 

You could say, “I love going to events like this with you. But this time, I’d like to hang out with my friends. Would that be okay with you?” 

Keeping the knowledge in your mind lets you avoid friction before it starts. Perhaps you think that seems like a lot to do, and your partner’s baggage may be a source of significant irritation. Still, expecting that they will ever leave these issues behind is unrealistic, and it certainly won’t happen at your prodding on “change.” 

Awareness lets your partner know you’re mindful—tuned in—to how they are feeling. 

2. Acknowledge The Positives & Negatives

Even when you’re confident that your position is right, acknowledge that your partner’s perspective is just as valid. You do not need to agree, but you must accept there can be two different perceptions that deserve equal weight. 

There is more than one reality in any significant disagreement, and two people can be “right.” To work through a conflict with your partner, you must acknowledge and show respect for opinions you do not share. During the conflict, we are inclined to view our viewpoint and us as individuals as right, believing we are filled with positive traits and qualities while our spouse is overflowing with negative ones. 

Fritz Heider, a social psychologist, named this tendency the Fundamental Attribution Error, which states: “I’m okay; you’re defective.” This belief allows us to forgive all of our own mistakes and flaws but not those of others. This is why we can feel so right in an argument, as we do not view ourselves as flawed.

This perspective clearly stands in the way of resolving relationship conflict. So when you perceive a positive quality or idea in yourself, turn Fritz Heider’s Fundamental Attribution Error on its ear and assume that your partner possesses both as well. Likewise, whenever you identify a negative quality or idea from your partner, try to see that you have both, too. 

Doing so will remind you that you aren’t all good, and they aren’t all bad. 

3. Transform Criticism into Wishes  

Amid an argument, it’s far more common to express what we don’t want than to ask for what we do. We say, “Stop pouting,” instead of “I wish you would tell me what’s making you sad.” Or “Stop ignoring me!” instead of “I wish you would pay attention.” 

The problem with expressing needs in a negative is that it sounds like criticism, and despite what countless people believe, there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Unless it is being sought, criticism triggers defensiveness, which prevents the resolution of an argument. 

No matter how much trust there is in a relationship, no one can listen to personal attacks without becoming defensive. For a conflict to succeed, you must state your feelings as neutrally as possible and convert any complaint about your partner into a positive need. 

Your goal is to give your partner a blueprint for succeeding with you. Think of your negative emotions as a clue to a hidden wish and then express that desire directly. 

Remember that behind anger, you’re likely to find frustration that a goal was not realized. Behind sadness, there’s usually a longing, and so often, hope and expectation are lurking behind disappointment. Don’t stop the dialogue until you can get to the heart of the matter! 

How To Actually Listen During An Argument

Conflict is a dance. When you’re the speaker, you must work to be tolerant, sensitive to your partner’s vulnerabilities, and nonjudgmental. These steps will go a long way toward relieving tension so anger and anxiety don’t overwhelm you. 

As the listener, you must resist the urge to debate or defend yourself. The listener’s goal is to appreciate the partner’s emotions—meaning and history, and whatever events may have escalated the conflict or hurt feelings.   

4. Focus on Understanding, Not Problem Solving  

The first thing to note is that all emotions and wishes are acceptable (although not all behavior is). Emotions also have their own purpose and logic. Your partner cannot select which feelings to have. If you can’t get beyond the belief that negative emotions are a waste of time and even dangerous, you will not be able to listen to your partner enough to succeed. 

Each spouse should avoid trying to solve their partner’s problems or assume responsibility for making them feel better during conflict or their marriage as a whole. 

Some people consider it part of their job description to rescue their partner. When their noble intentions are resisted, they become hurt and frustrated. 

Over time, a couple should learn that no harm will befall them if they just listen instead of giving guidance. We cannot control what our partner feels, and it is not our job to get our spouse to cheer up, calm down, or develop a sense of humor. 

In moments of pain or conflict, all our spouses need is to know we love and care. 

To ensure that you understand fully your partner’s feelings, don’t rush through being the listener. Take the time to ask probing questions that encourage your partner to get it all out. (“What else are you feeling?” “Is there more you want to say?”) 

Often, when people are upset, their negative emotions line up like dominoes. The first to topple may be anger, which then exposes fear. When that falls, sadness becomes apparent. The unexplored negative emotions will fester if the conversation ends before your partner divulges the full range of feelings.   

5. Nondefensive Listening  

Couples are frequently advised that to resolve differences, they must listen to each other’s perspectives without feeling attacked. But, when your partner is gunning for you, it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to bubble over with tolerance and understanding. Yes, it is the speaker’s responsibility to avoid triggering you, but it’s also necessary for you to soothe yourself.

For many people, this listening skill is the most difficult to master. 

You can use the following strategies to avoid defensiveness and keep the conflict constructive: 

Pause & Breathe
If you allow yourself a momentary intermission before reacting to a perceived verbal assault, you will have a better chance of soothing yourself. Take deep breaths, focus on relaxing your muscles, and doodle, but don’t get distracted or stop listening. Remember what it means to be the listener. You don’t react to what you’re hearing. Keep breathing, postpone your agenda, and concentrate on your partner. 

Write
When feeling defensive, try to write down everything your partner says. Sometimes, just the act of writing down their words verbatim, as well as acknowledging our defensiveness, lets us gather ourselves before speaking. 

Remember You Love Them
We are attempting to separate your anger and irritation over this issue from your overall view of your relationship. A straightforward tactic is to fill your mind with images of how your spouse demonstrates their love and how they support you and make you laugh. 

When you do so, you can remember that they are for you, which will stop the defensiveness from building and allow you to see their hurt and how your response potentially caused additional hurt. These simple actions can be a major breakthrough in your relationship.   

6. Practice Empathy  

Empathy requires almost becoming your partner and experiencing their feelings. We all have this ability, but to utilize it, we must let go of our own opinions and emotions for a while. One can do this by not getting caught up in the facts when their partner is speaking. 

Instead, concentrate on what they are feeling. When it’s time to summarize what you heard, be empathic rather than neutral in your delivery. Instead of saying, “You want me to be on time because if I’m late, it makes you feel like you’re not important to me,” begin with something like, “It makes sense to me that you want me to be on time.

This approach lets your partner know you consider their perspective and feelings legitimate and justified. Validating your partner’s viewpoint does not require you to abandon or ignore your own. It just means that, given your partner’s experience, you understand why they have these feelings and needs. Validation is a fundamental component of resolving conflict.

Conclusion 

Conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of human relationships and interactions. It’s essential to recognize that these conflicts can often be resolved through effective communication and understanding without resorting to yelling or engaging in physical fights.

When conflicts arise, it’s essential to maintain composure and strive for a constructive resolution. This involves active listening, empathizing with the other person’s perspective, and expressing your own thoughts and feelings calmly and respectfully. 

You can often find common ground and work towards a mutually satisfactory solution by engaging in a productive dialogue. 

Remember that yelling and physical confrontations escalate tensions and cause lasting emotional and physical harm. They rarely lead to productive outcomes and often result in regret and damage to relationships.

In contrast, addressing conflicts with patience, empathy, and open communication can foster understanding, strengthen relationships, and pave the way for healthier interactions in the future. It’s a more constructive and mature way to navigate the challenges that arise in any relationship!

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