Redefining Self-Love: Replacing Self-Esteem with Compassion

Why Compassion, Not Self-Esteem, is the Key to Loving Yourself

• Self-Acceptance

• Self-Care

• Self-Compassion

• Self-Love

• Self-Esteem

• Self-Worth

• Self-Intimacy

In the self-esteem paradigm, your opinion of yourself is contingent on how well you measure up against others. Still, your self-image is as changeable as the weather — you feel confident in the morning, and then someone else outshines you at a meeting, and you are coming down hard on yourself by lunchtime.

The self-esteem movement of the late twentieth century aimed to bolster everyone’s self-image, especially children, and psychologists often assumed that it’s impossible to have positive feelings about yourself unless you’re mentally healthy.

Experts now strongly contend that the “self-esteem movement has severely failed an entire generation,” particularly in relation to child-rearing. The current shift among social scientists and psychologists appears to be moving away from the notion of self-esteem, acknowledging that it can have positive effects only if we embrace a new trajectory characterized by self-compassion.

Self Used Interchangeability

These words are often used interchangeably with self-acceptance and self-love, being the most notable. Acknowledging and embracing our true selves with love and understanding is vital. However, what sets self-compassion apart is its power to cultivate a deep connection with others, widening our perspective and enriching our humanity. By nurturing self-compassion, we foster a dynamic and profound bond with the world around us, amplifying the impact of our existence.

We were never taught to fully grasp the universal nature of our experiences or consistently remind ourselves that our joys and sorrows connect us to the entirety of humanity, powerfully and emotionally. We were told we are exceptional, with the power as individuals to transform our lives and conquer our challenges.

Hence why books say things like:

• Need a remedy for a challenging day? Look no further than self-care!

• Let’s conquer our career goals! Embrace the power of self-improvement!

Self-love delves deep within, while self-compassion takes a step back to embrace the individual and their profound connection with the wider community, stirring raw emotions and igniting a powerful sense of belonging.

Not to mention, the self-love many of us were taught fails to embody the gentleness, tenderness, and patience required to embrace our mistakes.

Instead, we were taught, tough love.

Tough Love Tells Us:

• Too much love will make us soft, lazy, complacent, arrogant, or any other synonym you’ve used.

• To stay alert for signs that we may be going soft.

The Myths Of Tough Love

Tough love seems to revolve around the idea that negative human qualities or emotions will make us less than. Therefore we must urgently fight ourselves and the world around us to ensure that we aren’t going soft, which “apparently” decreases our value to the world and society. What a depressing view of human nature.

We try to balance between not showing ourselves too much and treating ourselves and others harshly because it makes us all better and prepared for the “real world.” In this distorted view, we tell ourselves that we only treat ourselves or others that way because we love them. The narrative inside our head goes: we will not allow ourselves or others to become failures or, better yet- weak!

It’s no wonder people are afraid to show themselves kindness!

They live in constant terror, afraid that the slightest release will plunge them back into immediate failure. We seem compelled to express affection for others — and ourselves — in a qualified way to not coddle anyone or make them weak.

Therefore instead of “You did such a great job!” we’ll say, “Wow, you’re so much better than you used to be!” If someone says we look great, we might say, “Thanks, I’m really trying to lose some weight.”

It’s as if we subconsciously think giving too many compliments will weaken someone or ourselves as if we will stop trying in life altogether after the 5th compliment.

This idea often convinces us that self-criticism, when we fall short, reflects self-love because it pushes us to improve. As a result, variations of this concept permeate various facets of our culture, captivating and evoking powerful emotions.

Some popular sayings:

• No guts, no glory.

• Whatever it takes.

• No pain, no gain, right?

• Pain is weakness leaving the body.

• Cruel to be kind.

• Rise and grind.

• Without struggle, there’s no progress.

• The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory.

• Nothing worth having comes easy.

• No pressure, no diamonds.

• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Each of these phrases holds flawed logic that I could passionately dismantle captivatingly. However, let’s concentrate solely on the final one to save time.

If you google the phrase- Kelly Clarkson’s 2011 hit will pop up. Yet, the term comes from Friedrich Nietzsche, a 19th-century German philosopher. In 1888, Nietzsche wrote The Twilight of the Idols, and in that book is the line “Aus der Kriegsschule des Lebens.—Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker,” which is translated to “Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”

What The Science Says About Tough Love

While it can sound cool to sing at karaoke and sounds like something we can all rally behind, repeated, clinical studies have proven it false.

Though studying this research area is challenging due to ethical concerns preventing direct exposure to trauma for studying the impact of suffering on mental health, compelling experiments suggest that suffering typically does not foster growth. Surprisingly, individuals do not appear to experience accelerated or substantial personal growth following adverse events compared to their regular lives.

There is evidence that sometimes, failure can pave the way to remarkable outcomes. However, this transformation occurs solely when individuals choose to embrace their mistakes as invaluable lessons to learn from.

Suffering doesn’t automatically make you stronger; it leaves physical and emotional scars from your experiences. While you can prevent pain from derailing your progress by coping healthfully and positively, most of us do not.

Self-compassion is probably the healthiest approach to take when confronted with pain, defeat, failure, and trauma.

It is undeniably true that we can glean valuable lessons from our mistakes. However, it is crucial to differentiate this notion from the misguided belief that suffering and distress inherently lead to personal growth. In reality, such a belief can not only hinder our ability to learn from the consequences of our actions but also minimize the immense afflictions endured by individuals subjected to the horrors of war, oppression, or prejudice.

“Don’t worry,” we might tell someone struggling after being raped, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to say such cruel words to someone who is already in pain, and it’s equally devastating when we direct those words towards ourselves.

Nietzsche’s adage falls short of the truth, and the opposite holds a deeper resonance: What doesn’t kill you leaves you weakened, less prepared to confront the next battle that dares to snatch your life away.

Listen to the words of Stephen Buka, a visionary epidemiology professor,

“All evidence suggests that disadvantaged groups, who frequently have higher levels of prior life stresses, such as limited finances and job instability, will be most likely to suffer the most from serious mental health conditions.” In the aftermath of a life-threatening catastrophe such as an earthquake, tornado, or pandemic, these individuals’ world shatters under the weight of uncertainty and despair.

Put simply, someone who grows up in a secure community, free from worrisome financial instability, is better equipped to confront stress and trauma than individuals with fewer advantages.

The belief that suffering builds strength and character has driven people to think that subjecting others to abuse can ultimately benefit them – the “cruel to be kind” theory. This very concept formed the basis of the chilling scared-straight initiatives in the late 1970s. Reflecting on it, many of us subject ourselves to a self-imposed version of the scared-straight approach by relentlessly berating ourselves, all in pursuit of positive outcomes.

I can understand why people might believe this kind of abuse is effective. After all, fear is a powerful motivator. Sadly, this approach often backfires, making it more likely that people will engage in the very behavior you’re trying to prevent.

The belief in the effectiveness of “tough love” runs deep within our culture, permeating various aspects of our lives. It is showcased in iconic fictional characters like Terence Fletcher in Whiplash and Professor Stromwell in Legally Blonde. Even real-life coaches adopt this “tough but fair” approach, convinced that pushing their team members to the extreme will prevent future mistakes.

For example, high school football coach DaLawn Parrish admitted to using aggressive language and subjecting his students to grueling practice sessions to toughen them up. While this concept may seem appealing as a movie plot, its real-life application falls short.

Using Tough Love To Talk To Ourselves

How often do we stop to consider whether the unsparing criticism we hear in our heads increases our motivation?

Is the voice of our inner critic truly inspiring us to improve, or is it just breaking us down?

Tough love can quickly become emotional abuse, which rings true for our inner critics. They meticulously recall every foolish mistake we’ve ever made, eagerly awaiting the opportunity to remind us of our vulnerabilities.

“Love reveals anything that is unlike itself.”

When we view our scared-straight strategies through the lens of love, we realize their stark contrast to genuine tenderness and warmth. “Strict” doesn’t equate to love or persistence. However, the undeniable power of the tough love myth stems from the perceived evidence that an unwavering approach yields results.

We weave intricate narratives, seeking purpose amidst randomness; we discover connections in the unexplainable and order within chaos. Imagine dressing in a particular outfit for a momentous job interview that yields success – our human inclination towards superstition might lead us to believe that the attire played a role in securing the position. Consequently, we find ourselves convinced that overcoming challenging life circumstances inherently empowers us, truly making us stronger.

But that’s far from the truth, just as labeling yourself a “moron” for breaking your smartphone won’t prevent future mishaps. And there’s no escaping the backlash. We endure trauma only to compound the agony by showering our fragile minds with shame and harsh words.

The best thing we can do for ourselves during difficult times is not to further degrade our well-being but to respond with tenderness and care to help support the recovery process.

Clinical psychologist Noam Shpancer says:

“Tender love and care toughen you up because they nurture and strengthen your capacity to learn and adapt.” It’s kindness that makes you stronger, not suffering.

Sadly, the response from most people when failing is often devoid of kindness. A lifetime of self-blame for every mistake and misstep has created an epidemic of societal self-hatred that spreads like wildfire.

We often harbor a deep self-loathing that cripples our mental well-being. We relentlessly impose unattainable standards upon ourselves, offering no empathy when we fall short and exhibiting no tolerance for the inevitable mistakes. Consequently, this leads to profound disappointment and an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction… with none other than ourselves.

How We Use Self-Hatred

For self-hatred to blossom, it encircles an all-or-nothing mindset, where even accomplishing thirty minutes of exercise instead of the intended hour renders it insignificant. It’s a relentless cycle of fixating on failures and disregarding successes. Occasionally, we deny ourselves pleasures like watching a movie or going on vacation, convinced we are undeserving.

At other times, we diminish our hopes (“It probably won’t work out”) because we’re preparing ourselves for failure. We second-guess our decisions; we think we should have done things differently. But expressing regret for not doing things perfectly simply strengthens the illusion that perfection is possible.

As the psychiatrist, Theodore Isaac Rubin wrote, “If we demand wisdom after the fact, then in effect, we assume an absolute ability to foretell the future and to make no mistakes at all.” Even worse, we sometimes hate ourselves for hating ourselves.

Imagine this: you wake up at 11:00 a.m. on a Saturday. You missed your workout. It’s easy to beat yourself up, engage in destructive self-criticism, and then reprimand yourself for being too harsh on yourself. This vicious cycle of self-hatred is all too familiar. It’s the ultimate self-hatred vicious cycle.

Self-hatred and blame have plagued humanity for ages, but in the last few decades of the 20th century, the Western world embarked on a radical path to find a cure — self-esteem. American society fervently embraced this notion, passionately teaching young individuals that they possess the limitless power to become anything they desire. No longer confined by boundaries, they were encouraged to chase their dreams, defying all odds.

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem has long been used as a synonym for good mental health, but scientists have realized over the past twenty years that it may not be a universally beneficial quality.

The American Psychological Association defines self-esteem as “the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive.” In other words, the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem.

The definition goes on, however, to say that your self-image is shaped by your accomplishments, abilities, perceived success, and how others view you. Self-esteem is based on your résumé and how well it stacks up against those around you. Self-esteem is dependent on comparisons and successes.

Self Esteem Vs. Self Worth

Many people mistakenly believe that self-esteem and self-worth can be used interchangeably, but that’s far from the truth. Unlike self-esteem, which relies on external validation, self-worth stems from your core beliefs about your true self. The intense feelings of shame experienced by those with low self-worth can be relentless, convincing them that they are inherently worthless or fundamentally flawed.

Remedying that condition can be difficult and requires a significant investment of time, whereas raising your self-esteem can be as simple as thinking about your positive qualities or the best thing you’ve done recently.

We can measure a person’s self-esteem using the Rosenberg Scale.

Let’s discover your score by agreeing or disagreeing with these ten compelling statements. Pick strongly agree, agree, disagree, or strongly disagree.

• On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.

• At times, I think I am no good at all.

• I feel that I have a number of good qualities.

• I am able to do things as well as most other people.

• I feel I do not have much to be proud of.

• I certainly feel useless at times.

• I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others.

• I wish I could have more respect for myself.

• All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.

• I take a positive attitude toward myself.

To find your score, use this system:

• For questions 1, 3, 4, 7, and 10, give yourself one point for strongly agreeing, two points for agreeing, etc.

• For questions 2, 5, 6, 8, and 9, give yourself one point for strongly disagreeing, two points for disagreeing, etc.

• Add up all of your points.

The higher your score, the higher your level of self-esteem.

While not inherently negative, self-esteem may not promote good mental health when fixated upon. Research suggests that the relentless pursuit of self-esteem can be associated with unsightly behavior. Those with inflated self-esteem are prone to anger and aggression when their self-image is challenged. Moreover, they tend to be defensive, disregarding unpleasant truths about themselves while tearing others down for personal gratification.

Fragile self-esteem is correlated to narcissism.

Research reveals that individuals, in a bid to boost their self-esteem, resort to inflating their achievements and belittling others. This behavior may manifest as bullying, alongside the propensity for narcissistic and prejudiced actions. While having self-esteem is not inherently negative, aspiring to increase it can lead you down a treacherous road.

What Is Self-Compassion?

With self-compassion, feeling good about yourself is not connected to the belief that you’re better than others. It’s also not dependent on having a positive view of yourself; you could lack self-confidence and still view yourself with compassion.

Even if you think you’re a failure, you can care for yourself with kindness.

“A truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations but on the needs of the other. Irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis, we develop genuine concern for their problem. This is genuine compassion.” -Dalai Lama, The Compassionate Life

Self-compassion doesn’t rely on defensiveness or grandiosity because it stems from a grounded perspective. When consumed by self-esteem, you may try to downplay mistakes or shift blame to others. A self-compassionate individual, however, acknowledges missteps and embraces the potential consequences.

Even more importantly, a self-compassionate person will likely move on quickly to determine how to avoid making the same error in the future. On the other hand, self-esteem devotees get caught up in damage control. They might spend their time reframing the error so it can be viewed as the fault of someone or something else.

If a self-compassionate person goes through a painful breakup, they will likely recognize how upset they are without feeling that they should suppress the pain. They are also more likely to ask what role they played in the relationship’s end and how they can become a better partner in their next relationship.

Someone who is more focused on self-esteem will preserve their self-image by heaping blame on the ex, perhaps even telling their friends that they were crazy. Self-esteem is fragile, and rushes to defend itself from criticism or culpability. But clinical research shows that “people who are self-compassionate are more likely to accept responsibility for their mistakes and failures than those who are less self-compassionate.”

When you treat yourself with kindness in moments of stumbling, you become better equipped to bounce back after defeat rather than wasting precious time denying the reality of failure. By refraining from condemning our mistakes, we alleviate the fear associated with making errors. Yet, paradoxically, self-esteem often finds its companion in self-hatred.

The Need For High Self-Esteem

In the self-esteem paradigm, your opinion of yourself is contingent on how well you measure up against others. Still, your self-image is as changeable as the weather — you feel confident in the morning, and then someone else outshines you at a meeting, and you are coming down hard on yourself by lunchtime. The self-esteem movement of the late twentieth century aimed to bolster everyone’s self-image, especially children, and psychologists often assumed that it’s impossible to have positive feelings about yourself unless you’re mentally healthy.

One consequence of the drive to boost self-esteem is the excessive use of superlatives. Building healthy self-esteem involves receiving consistent appreciation and praise for one’s efforts, escalating compliments’ intensity. A child’s drawing is no longer just “good,” it transforms into something “great.” (And let’s not forget, we only appreciate the good in light of comparisons, so the next piece of artwork can’t be mere “great,” it becomes “fantastic, blowing everyone away!”)

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson noted this on Twitter, saying, “In my day, the word ‘awesome’ was reserved for things like curing Polio and walking on the Moon, not for food or TV shows.”

The assumption that everyone could be accomplished and successful has become widespread. We have ratcheted up our expectations of ourselves because our self-images rely on being better than average.

Kristin Neff points out in her 2013 TEDx talk:

“In American culture, to have high self-esteem, we have to feel special and above average.” If we’re told during a performance review that our performance was “average,” we feel insulted, and if a friend says that we’re an “average parent,” we probably take offense.

The problem is we can’t all be above average. Average doesn’t work like that. The definition of the word is “a standard or level that is considered to be typical or usual,” which means that not to be average is unusual.

It’s not something most of us will achieve.

Neff says that when we feel pressured to be above average all the time, “we start suddenly finding ways to puff ourselves up and put others down so we can feel better about ourselves in comparison.” Taken to the extreme, that becomes narcissism. Neff and other researchers tie this need to feel we are better than others to the rise in bullying in grade schools, especially among boys.

It’s a plain fact – we can’t possibly excel in everything we do. Sometimes, we fall short compared to others, and pretending otherwise can lead to detrimental mental acrobatics.

We often fail to realize the inhuman and godlike standards we impose on ourselves for living and self-acceptance. Unaware of the impossibility of these ideals, we remain oblivious to their detrimental impact on our humanity.

Which makes it even more tragic that we often punish ourselves for not living up to the impossible, inhuman standards we have set for ourselves.

Experts now strongly contend that the “self-esteem movement has severely failed an entire generation,” particularly in relation to child-rearing. The current shift among social scientists and psychologists appears to be moving away from the notion of self-esteem, acknowledging that it can have positive effects only if we embrace a new trajectory characterized by self-compassion.

After all, the opposite of self-hatred is not self-esteem; it is compassion. Compassion for yourself first broadens into compassion for others; that is the cure for self-loathing and the unjustifiable punishment we inflict on ourselves every day.