Busting the Myth: Is Divorce Really Better for the Kids?

It’s no secret that many young adults dream of marriage, but the pain they experienced from their parent’s divorce has made them anxious about taking the plunge. The prospect of marriage can seem scary, but fear not! Despite being statistically more likely to repeat our parents’ mistakes, we are not doomed to do so. There are ways to overcome such challenges and build the lasting and fulfilling relationships we all long for.

Long-lasting marriage success depends on the unwavering dedication of both partners. To achieve this, you must confidently declare, “I believe in the sanctity of marriage and am resolute in avoiding divorce.” Your thoughts will show in your actions.

To avoid the frequent and easy occurrence of divorce in our culture, it’s crucial for singles considering marriage to enter with a strong conviction against it. Understanding the potential harm of divorce is a powerful antidote to its negative consequences.

Dr. Scott Stanley’s book, The Power of Commitment, provides expert advice on forming a strong connection that can withstand the test of time. 

This article uses Dr. Stanley’s advice to help you succeed.

In the 1960s, divorce rates rose, as did the belief that leaving an unhappy marriage would benefit the children's well-being and future success. This belief is rampant, but is it true? Chances are it's partially true. 

All other things being equal, the majority of children would benefit from their parents being happy. It’s without question that children will fare best growing up in a loving and affectionate home with an evident dedication to the marriage and the family. 

Academic circles may argue about various things, but there’s a unanimous belief that children thrive best in a loving home with both parents. However, divorce experts are in a hot debate about children’s well-being when living with divorced or conflict-ridden parents. The answer to this perplexing question hinges on the type of social scientist you speak to.

On the one hand, long-term exposure to parents with significant levels of open conflict can negatively affect both boys and girls. Studies have documented these effects on children, making it crucial for parents to minimize conflict for the well-being of their children.

These effects are one of the field’s most clear and consistent findings.

Some people suggest divorcing for the children’s “well-being” based on these findings.

This “advice” does not factor in the fact that when parents who don’t get along split up, it’s not uncommon for the conflict and tension to continue. Unfortunately, this means their children are still caught in the middle of the ongoing feud, even after the divorce is finalized. So although the parents split for the “sake of the children,” these children still struggle after the divorce.

Conflict Resolution Matters 

If you’re a married parent dealing with frequent marital strife, here’s some valuable guidance: improve your conflict resolution skills.

You can do it, and many resources are available to help you. 

While we know it may not be easy, we encourage you to put aside pride/ ego or being right to work on your marriage conflict, which is crucial for your children’s well-being. Even if you can’t find the motivation for your own sake, strive to do it for the sake of your kids. By learning to manage conflicts more effectively, couples will improve their marriage and create a better environment for their children.

If you’re a divorced parent with kids, making peace with your ex-spouse will significantly benefit your children. Let go of the fights and try to compromise. By doing this, you’ll do your kids a huge favor. Please help them by putting their needs first and working together with your ex.

If you’re locked in a disagreement with your former spouse about your children, and there’s no major impact at stake, it’s time to consider quitting the battle. Fighting it out may seem like the right thing to do, but it will only hurt your children in the long run. Of course, if abuse is involved, do what’s safe and best for you and your children. However, if it is not, it’s essential to prioritize your children’s well-being over your pride.

If you and your ex conflict, the ideal scenario is for both of you to attempt to come to a place of forgiveness. But if that’s impossible, focus on what you can control and do your part to keep the conflict from affecting your children. It’s important to prioritize their well-being.

What The Research Says

Sociological research offers valuable insights into how marriage and divorce impact children. Evidence suggests that kids fare better when raised by both parents, both economically and academically. They’re also less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as early sexual activity or criminal behavior. Furthermore, children who live with both parents have better access to healthcare and maintain stronger relationships with their fathers.

Blended Families

Stepfamilies can also be challenging for kids to navigate. Despite some families succeeding, research shows that children in step or blended families usually don’t fare as well. It’s crucial to be aware of this potential burden.

The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children

While some children of divorce are successful in life, studies demonstrate that divorce increases the risk of adverse outcomes for children by two to three times. Children from divorced homes are three times more likely to have behavioral issues than children from intact homes. While not all children of divorce experience behavior problems, the likelihood is much higher. Nevertheless, children can still thrive despite the divorce, but having parents in a healthy marriage gives the greatest advantage.

Divorce can lead to more behavioral problems in children and other risks. But it’s important to note that these negative effects could be due to conflicts between parents, not just the divorce itself. Keep in mind that not all children will experience these problems.

Here are some of the most significant effects:

Greater Risk for Mental Health Problems

Children of divorced parents are at a higher risk for developing mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. The stress and uncertainty of the divorce process can cause emotional turmoil and have long-lasting effects on their well-being.

Greater Risk of Divorce as an Adult

Did you know that if one partner is a child of divorce, their marriage is twice as likely to end in divorce? When both partners are products of divorced parents, their odds of divorce almost triple compared to other couples. This shows that the impact of divorce can be intergenerational and affect the future relationships of children of divorce.

More Difficulties, Especially in their Father’s Relationship 

Children of divorced parents often experience challenges in their relationships with their parents, particularly their fathers. Did you know that seventy percent of children whose parents are divorced have a tough time maintaining a healthy relationship with their father? However, only 30 percent of those from intact homes report the same.This can have long-lasting effects on their emotional development and future relationships.

Greater Difficulty Believing in the Longevity of Their Marriage

Children of divorced parents may struggle with the belief that their own marriage will last, no matter how much they want it to. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as their negative beliefs can affect their behavior and relationships.

Lower Levels of Educational, Occupational, and Financial Attainment in Life

Children of divorced parents may face economic disadvantages and have lower levels of educational and occupational attainment in their lives. This can be due to the financial strain and instability caused by the divorce process and the emotional impact on their academic and career goals.

Greater Likelihood of Rejecting Their Faith and Religious Involvement

Children of divorced parents are 2 to 2.7 times more likely to reject faith or any religious involvement as an adult compared to those whose parents stayed together. This can be due to the disruption of spiritual practices and traditions during the divorce process and the emotional impact on their beliefs and values.

Marriage remains the best foundation for family life – that’s the bottom line. While many single, divorced, and remarried adults do an excellent job raising their children, raising kids within a committed and thriving marital context yields numerous benefits.

Discovering the Impact of Marriage and Divorce on Children Through Research

Pennsylvania State University’s renowned researcher, Paul Amato, delves into the long-term effects of marriage and divorce on children. Though other social scientists such as Mavis Hetherington and Judith Wallerstein have contributed significantly to this topic, Paul’s research unveils some crucial points.

Good Enough Marriages: A Realistic View on Relationships

Relationships are not always a bed of roses. They require effort, compromise, and patience. While society often idealizes passionate and deeply fulfilling marriages, the reality is that not all marriages are like that. In fact, according to Paul, there is such a thing as a “good enough” marriage.

What is a “Good Enough” Marriage?

Paul’s definition of a “good enough” marriage is pretty good but generally not spectacular. It is not characterized by intense passion or deep fulfillment, at least not consistently. In these marriages, the partners might not feel happy with each other every single day, and sometimes one or both partners may even wish they had married someone else.

The Benefits of a “Good Enough” Marriage

Despite the lack of constant happiness and fulfillment, research has shown that adults in “good enough” marriages and their children still reap the benefits of family stability and support. These marriages provide a safe and secure environment for children to grow up in, positively impacting their mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, partners in these marriages may have a stronger sense of commitment and loyalty, which can help sustain the relationship.

Exploring the Concept of “Good Enough” Marriages

According to Paul, a “good enough” marriage may not necessarily be characterized by intense emotional connection or heated arguments. Instead, it may have little to no conflict, as it typically lacks the depth that some couples crave.

The pressing issue with a good enough marriage is that it can be vulnerable to outside influences. Just as a person with a weakened immune system may be more susceptible to illness, a couple in a good enough marriage may be more prone to seeking out attractive alternatives (i.e., someone else).

However, if a good enough marriage is not put through extreme tests, such as a sudden illness or a partner becoming drawn to someone else, it will likely continue until one partner dies. In such a scenario, family members will benefit from the relationship’s stability, although the couple may not experience the fulfillment they had hoped for.

Long-term Study on Divorce

According to a long-term study on divorce conducted by Paul and Alan Booth, children of high-conflict parents fare better after a divorce than if their parents stay together in constant conflict.

The constant fighting and hostility between parents can damage children’s emotional and psychological health. Therefore, ending such a marriage can provide children a more stable and peaceful environment.

On the other hand, children of low-conflict marriages that end in divorce (even good enough marriages) tend to struggle more. The divorce often comes as a surprise and makes the concept of security unclear, leading these kids to become commitment-phobic adults who quickly bail out of relationships.

Currently Dealing with Marriage Problems?

When in a Dangerous Relationship

Suppose you find yourself in a dangerous relationship. In that case, the most crucial thing to do is ensure your safety. Seek help, advice, and support from professionals and trusted friends or family members. You may need to reach out to a domestic violence hotline or local law enforcement to keep yourself safe from harm.

When in a High-Conflict Marriage

On the other hand, if you are in a high-conflict but non-dangerous marriage, you can take steps to improve the situation. The best thing you can do for your children is change the behavior pattern with your spouse. This means doing all you can to treat one another differently. It may not be easy, but it’s worth it for your marriage and your family. Here are a few things you can do: 

• Try to communicate calmly and respectfully.

• Avoid blaming each other for problems and focus on finding solutions together.

• Seek couples counseling or therapy to work through deeper issues.

• Make time for each other and prioritize your relationship.

Marriage takes work, and with the right mindset, commitment, and willingness to change, you can overcome the challenges in your marriage and build a stronger, happier relationship with your spouse.

Deceiding To Leave for your children?

Are you thinking about leaving your marriage for greener pastures? It’s a tough decision that requires careful deliberation. But don’t deceive yourself into thinking it’s for the benefit of your children.

In reality, your children don’t prioritize your passion for your spouse – rather, they find comfort in the security of your marriage. Remember, your marriage provides a strong foundation for your children to navigate the world. What matters most to them is to feel secure and loved in their family environment. Your marriage gives them a stable and secure platform from which they can operate worldwide.

Considering leaving your marriage? Don’t deceive yourself into thinking it’s for the benefit of your children. In reality, your children don’t prioritize your passion for your spouse – rather, they find comfort in the security of your marriage. Remember, your marriage provides a strong foundation for your children to navigate the world.

Investing in your marriage can be challenging; sometimes, even great efforts don’t yield positive results. While most positive efforts pay off in the long run, this isn’t always the case.

Encouragement for a Struggling Marriage

If you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage, you’re not alone. But don’t lose hope just yet! As a member of the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, I’ve had the privilege of working with national scholars who have conducted extensive research on marriage and relationships.

The Survey Results

One of the studies conducted by our team was a survey of 2,300 adults in Oklahoma. The survey asked participants about their beliefs and experiences in marriage, including whether they had ever seriously considered divorce.

• 34% of respondents said they had considered divorce

• 92% of those who had considered divorce were glad they stayed together

These results are encouraging because they show that even when a marriage is in trouble, there is still hope for reconciliation and happiness.

What Does This Mean for You?

If you’re struggling in your marriage, don’t give up just yet. Consider seeking counseling or other professional help to work through the issues you’re facing. Remember that many couples have been where you are and have found a way to come out stronger on the other side.

Take heart in the fact that even if you’ve considered divorce, there is still a chance for a happy and fulfilling marriage. Keep an open mind and a willingness to work on your relationship, and you may be surprised at the positive changes that can happen.

The Value of Sticking it Out in Marriage

Take a moment and think about this. We live in a culture that often implies that once a marriage is down, it’s out and will never be satisfying again. However, research shows that among people who had been at a very low point, 92 percent were glad they had stuck it out.

Of course, that does not mean that there are not many others who left and are glad that they left. But the odds are not great that a person who divorces is going to end up happier, at least for years to come.

If you choose to stick it out, there is hope that things will be better. However, for that to happen, you will likely have to do some things differently, including understanding the value of marriage to your children.

Preparation for Marriage

For those who have yet to marry, it’s essential to understand the importance of preparation. Going into a marriage without adequate preparation can lead to unrealistic expectations, misunderstandings, and, ultimately, divorce.

Therefore, it’s crucial to take the time to learn about your partner, communicate effectively, and work through any issues before tying the knot. Doing so can help build a strong foundation for a happy and fulfilling marriage.

• Learn about your partner’s values and beliefs

• Discuss your future goals and aspirations

• Communicate openly and honestly

• Work through any issues as a team

By understanding the value of marriage, both for yourself and your children, and by adequately preparing for it, you can increase your chances of having a happy, fulfilling, and long-lasting relationship.