How Pregnancy & Parenthood Can Wreck Intimacy!

Once you’re a parent your marriage matters more, not less, because now other people are counting on you!

When I encounter a married woman in her late 30s or 40s proclaiming that her sex life is exceptional and frequent and that she and her husband are constantly physically affectionate, I deduce one of three scenarios:

• It’s a fresh marriage

• There are no children in the home

• She might not be entirely truthful

Based on my personal experiences and those of others, I’m aware that when children demand your attention and energy—encompassing mental, emotional, and physical aspects—it becomes nearly unfeasible to relish sex as liberally as you did when it was just you and your partner. The tales of spontaneous, uninhibited sex anytime, anywhere are typically associated with the youthful and those with minimal responsibilities.

The arrival of children marks a total change in the sexual life cycle.

• Do you recall those worry-free weekends when you both would luxuriate in the late morning, allowing the hours to slip by without leaving the comfort of your bed?

• Do you remember the early days with your newfound love when sex was filled with passion, desire, and complete spontaneity?

• What about those intimate dinners illuminated by candlelight on anniversaries, birthdays, or just ordinary days, with no friends or family to cater to, only the two of you?

• Didn’t wonderful lovemaking often follow these occasions?

Remember? All that changes when a baby arrives.  

In the initial stages of a romantic sexual relationship, it’s hard to envision that the dynamics might change—that the fervent sex and profoundly intimate moments shared just between the two of you might evolve. At this stage, you are the focal point of your own universe, and it feels like nothing that the external world presents can alter that.

Intimacy Issues Can Start While Trying to Conceive  

For many couples intending to begin a family, pregnancy often occurs before any substantial effort is made. These are the fortunate ones. When a couple consciously decides to have children, it alters the entire dynamic of their sexuality. Even if achieving pregnancy doesn’t require significant effort, it shifts the purpose of sex from an act of love and pleasure to fulfilling a biological imperative. For numerous couples, this shift profoundly transforms their sexual and intimate relationship within their marriage.

Consider the women who face difficulties in conceiving. Those who battle to get pregnant, where each monthly ovulation cycle becomes a scheduled window for intercourse. Is there anything enticing about that? Numerous couples dealing with this scenario have shared with me how their interest in sex dwindles because they suddenly feel objectified. Men no longer perceive themselves as individuals desired by their partners but rather as functional sperm providers, merely seen as practical instruments for procreation.

No man wants to feel like that. 

Consider the subsequent months of tension and distress when the pregnancy test persistently shows a negative result, the unwelcome menstrual cycle arrives punctually, and the pursuit of pregnancy morphs into an obsession. This not only has the potential to dampen the spark of a previously vibrant and passionate sex life, but it could also strain or even shatter the entire relationship.

Then what?

Time and again, I’ve observed women, whether they are successful professionals or dedicated homemakers, who were once easygoing and pragmatic, channeling all their focus and energy solely onto conceiving. On the contrary, their partners continue to engage with and function in the outside world.

Even when men equally yearn for children, they don’t limit their perspective to the point where conception becomes the sole purpose of their existence. They can effortlessly shift focus to their work, enjoy a football game, spend time with friends, and continue their usual lifestyle prior to entering the “we need to conceive now” phase of the relationship. Given that it’s her body at the core of the conception process, the woman often finds herself becoming increasingly obsessed.

Each period becomes a small tragedy, a letdown; every pregnant friend serves as a painful reminder of her own inadequacy. Whichever direction she looks, in every facet of her life—be it a magazine article, TV show, movie, or a baby passing by on the street—a woman striving to conceive encounters constant reminders of her profound yearning.

This intense focus on conception often becomes the norm rather than an occasional occurrence when menstruation arrives, and pregnancy doesn’t promptly follow. With each passing month without a positive pregnancy test, sex begins to feel more like a necessity for achieving a goal rather than an act of love. How does something that once brought such joy and excitement transform into a task filled with anxiety?

When I converse with different couples who are actively trying to conceive, I often encounter a similar narrative.

The pair were deeply in love, engaging in frequent and passionate intimacy. Both had thriving careers that they cherished and took pleasure in life’s luxuries. As a couple, they were admired by their friends. Observing their friends starting families, they, too, decided it was time for them to embark on parenthood. The woman discontinued the birth control pills she had been using for nearly a decade, and they resolved to allow nature to steer their course.

For the initial three months, they maintained their usual intimate routine, indulging whenever the mood struck them, be it morning, afternoon, or night. Both being young and healthy, they assumed conception wouldn’t take much time. They reassured themselves that the journey to pregnancy would mean more intimacy, adding to their joy. However, the woman didn’t conceive.

Following three months, she begins purchasing ovulation predictor kits in large quantities, ensuring she is fully aware of her ovulation schedule. Once the kit indicated a positive result, she knows they have a 24- to 48-hour window for conception.

Consequently, she insists that her partner promptly join her in the bedroom. This altered both the frequency and nature of their intimacy. The man felt as though his only purpose was to provide sperm. The woman acknowledged this but perceived it as a positive shift.

The woman believes she’s fulfilling their shared goal.

After a few more months of consistent menstrual cycles, she consults a gynecologist to rule out any physical issues. She is reassured to discover that she’s in good health. However, as time goes on, her periods keep arriving punctually, indicating no conception.

The strain of this situation leads the once blissful couple to seek help from a couples therapist as their relationship dynamic starts to change.

Intimacy had turned into a task, and their communication had rapidly deteriorated. The man appeared more interested in spending time with friends or staying late at work than being with his wife, which previously was his preferred way to spend time.

With the therapist’s help, the man voiced out his feelings of exclusion and hurt, as it seemed to him that his wife was more focused on conceiving than on him or his emotions. Even though he also deeply desired to start a family, he felt that their attempts at conception were undermining their relationship.

 But the woman doesn’t hear his message. 

Consumed by the desire to start a family, she became fixated on the idea of pregnancy, constantly nagging the man about his apparent lack of enthusiasm for the process. She accused him of not being as invested in building a family as he had previously indicated. Eventually, the man decided to address the issue and had his sperm evaluated, only to find out that it was within the normal range.

The couple sought help from a fertility clinic and underwent several intrauterine insemination (IUI) procedures, which unfortunately didn’t yield any results. Ultimately, they resorted to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), which finally resulted in pregnancy.

However, the arduous journey left the man harboring feelings of resentment towards the whole process.

After some time, they joyfully welcomed a healthy child into the world. The man hoped that with the arrival of their baby, their relationship would settle back into a familiar rhythm. However, to his surprise, the woman’s focus shifted even more intensely, this time directed toward their new baby daughter. She devoted herself entirely to the infant’s care, taking a three-month break from work to nurture and attend to their newborn.

Although the man acknowledged and appreciated the woman’s dedication to their baby, deep down, he couldn’t help but feel increasingly disconnected. He sensed that the family dynamic had shifted, with the woman and the baby forming a close bond, leaving him feeling like a distant moon orbiting their intimate little world.

The journey towards reuniting as one family and integrating the two partners into their new life was already marked by feelings of resentment, becoming a stumbling block to their intimacy and sexuality. For a whole year, they abstained from intimacy as the woman devoted herself to caring for the baby while the man grappled with coming to terms with his newfound role as an outsider in the family.

Many new parents often describe the year following the arrival of their first child as the most challenging and demanding period for their marriage. Expectations undergo a transformation, the dynamics of the relationship shift, and the parents find themselves needing to make significant adjustments to evolve as a cohesive team rather than two separate individuals.

Pregnancy Creates New World of Sex  

What I’ve found most surprising is the number of women who are caught off guard by the changes in their sex life following childbirth. The transition from a carefree young woman to a married woman trying to conceive can be challenging, but nothing quite prepares them for the changes that occur post-childbirth. At their six-week postpartum check-up, obstetricians typically declare them fit and ready to resume normal sexual activities. Yet, many women find that their experiences don’t align with these clinical assurances.

During counseling sessions, women often express feeling abandoned by their doctors, who casually advise them to resume sexual activity without considering the significant changes in their bodies and emotions following childbirth. Many women who delivered vaginally, which is the most common method, find that the pain during their first sexual encounter after delivery is often more intense than the pain of losing their virginity.

After giving birth, a woman’s self-perception of feeling sexy may be significantly affected, especially when she’s taking a bath and her belly is floating above the waterline.

The physical changes and the emotional journey of becoming a mother can create a complex mix of emotions, and feeling sexy may not be at the forefront of her mind during this time.

For men who are present in the delivery room alongside their partners, it can indeed be an emotionally charged moment. However, some men may still find themselves taken aback when they come to the realization that both they and the baby share the same intimate space—the vagina. This new reality can be surprising and might require some adjustment as they navigate their roles as fathers and partners in the postpartum period.

After childbirth, their desire for sex may diminish due to their reluctance to cause any discomfort or harm to the mother of their child. The shift from viewing their wife as a partner in intimacy to now being the mother of their child can be a challenging reality for many men to accept. The dynamic changes in the relationship can shift their perception, and they may find it difficult to reconcile this new role their partner has taken on.

Here’s the honest truth: Sex after having a baby is not the same as it was before pregnancy. For many marriages, it becomes a transformative event, bringing about significant changes in intimacy and the dynamics of the relationship.

Sex is no longer about passion or lust. Instead, it is about making children.  BUT…. although this change happens, what doesn’t is the fact that we must continue to have sex with the husband or wife we no longer view the same way we did before the baby was born. Regrettably, no warning information or instruction manual accompanies this dramatic change, leaving us without guidance on coping and adapting to the new paradigm.

The Advice I Didn’t Take But You Can

A friend’s mom advised me against letting my husband witness the baby’s birth, warning that it could permanently affect his attraction toward me. Additionally, she suggested resuming sexual activity at the six-week mark, even if pain is involved.

I didn’t take her advice, and as such, our marriage and sex life went through hell after our first kid was born.

How Did We Get Our Marriage Back On Track

1. Release the initial notion of sex

We realized that holding on to the idea that the same steamy sex we experienced in our 20s must persist to define a good relationship was not practical. Instead, we embraced a new reality—a fulfilling marriage encompassing intimacy and the joys of raising children together.

2. Have Quickies

Our sex life now mostly consists of “quickies,” occurring at inconvenient moments. Whether it’s during our morning routine, before breakfast, on a lunch break, or when the kids are occupied or might fall asleep, we find opportunities to be intimate in brief, spontaneous moments. We made a conscious decision to prioritize our intimacy and carve out time for ourselves as a couple, regardless of our responsibilities to the outside world.

3. PDA

We’ve started showing more public displays of affection (PDA) than ever before. Throughout the day, we hug, kiss, playfully grab each other, and even indulge in “make-out” sessions. At first, these actions might have felt childish, but we decided to embrace the things we used to do when we were younger. Surprisingly, acting on these gestures has rekindled our intimacy and brought us closer together.

4. Have Quick Catch-Ups!

We have 5-10 minute conversations, which might not always be enjoyable, but they serve as a platform for discussing what we are individually going through and the state of our relationship. During these conversations, we ask each other about our feelings and perceptions of our marriage, enabling us to communicate and understand.

Unveiling the Unspoken Truth

It’s undeniable that marriages are profoundly affected when children enter the picture, yet it seems to be a topic that many people avoid discussing. The truth is, for most men and women, sexuality plays a crucial and defining role, particularly during their prime adult years (which is when children typically are young and the most demanding).

During the reproductive years, few marriages can sustain themselves without sexual intimacy, making it a challenging balancing act to maintain a sexually active relationship. In the beginning, most relationships start as highly sexual.

Still, as time passes and children come into the picture, they often transition into sexless partnerships primarily focused on attending to the needs of the children. This shift can have a profound and undeniable impact, and ignoring its consequences can lead to dire outcomes for the relationship.

Being prepared for this transition and making thoughtful choices along the way is essential for all couples. Most importantly, staying honest and communicating openly, even about challenging topics, with your partner is the key to saving a marriage in transition, preserving intimacy, and forging an even stronger bond between you both.