Four Steps To Building Emotional Intimacy

Building intimacy with someone means getting close enough to know them very well. If we don’t get close enough, we miss important parts that make each person unique. But if we get too close, to the point where we lose our individuality—like new lovers who let their boundaries fall away—we can lose sight of all influential individualistic parts.

Intimacy means deeply connecting with someone or something—it’s more than just being close. It’s a dance of connection and separation, where both are not opposites but intertwined parts of the relationship.

Understanding Emotions

When we become comfortable with a particular emotion, even if it’s uncomfortable, we don’t see it as bad. We allow it space to exist and change without fully accepting its perspective. We choose to understand its power, physical signs, and how it influences how we perceive situations.

Upon understanding this perspective and its evaluative framing, we also realize how our past has influenced it. We don’t get swayed by the emotion’s energy, feelings, or viewpoint, nor do we let it affect our behavior; instead, we keep it within our reach, listening to it carefully and using our intuition to interpret it better.

Just like we can improve our IQ, we can also enhance our EQ (emotional intelligence). How can we do this? 

By getting closer to our emotions – understanding them when they arise and when they’re expressed – and by engaging in activities that strengthen the less developed parts of our emotional life.

Misconceptions About Emotions

Just to clarify, some believe that becoming more in tune with our emotions will:

• Make us overly sensitive: Some people might assume that being emotional equates to being overly sensitive, taking things too personally or overreacting to minor issues.

• Make us unstable: A common negative assumption is that emotional people are unstable or unpredictable, with their feelings fluctuating frequently and intensely.

• Make us irrational: People might think that emotional individuals act irrationally, letting their feelings cloud their judgment and decision-making process.

• Make us attention-seekers: There can be an assumption that emotional people simply seek attention or try to manipulate others with their emotions.

• Make us weak: Some people may view emotional individuals as weak, believing they lack the strength to control their emotions or handle difficult situations.

The phrase “emotions make us dumb” is what the average person thinks, but in reality, it’s their way of saying that strong emotions can sometimes cloud our judgment and impact our cognitive abilities (which is valid for people with low emotional intelligence and those that are not attuned to understanding how and what they are feeling). 

Emotions Without Emotional Intelligence 

However, it’s important to note that emotions are a fundamental part of being human and are not inherently negative. They provide vital information about our environment and help us respond appropriately. Yet, when we do not understand our emotions, they can overwhelm our rational thinking processes when they become too intense.

For instance, fear can trigger a ‘fight or flight’ response, prioritizing immediate survival over long-term planning or problem-solving. Similarly, intense anger can lead us to act impulsively without considering the consequences of our actions. Positive emotions like joy or excitement can make us overlook potential risks or drawbacks.

Emotions can also create cognitive bias. For example, when we’re in a good mood, we tend to underestimate risks and overestimate our abilities, leading to poor decision-making. On the other hand, when we’re feeling down, we may focus only on negative information and ignore positive aspects, a phenomenon known as negativity bias.

However, this doesn’t mean that emotions always impair our intelligence. With emotional intelligence, we can recognize and manage our emotions effectively, preventing them from hindering our rational thinking.

Emotional Intelligence Increases our Intellectual Quotient 

Indeed, as we enhance our emotional intelligence (EQ), especially through our expanding aptitude for emotional connection, our intellectual quotient (IQ) may also see a rise.

Understanding and managing our emotions effectively can lead to better concentration, improved decision-making, and enhanced problem-solving abilities, all contributing to our cognitive skills or IQ. Emotional intelligence helps us navigate social situations, understand others’ perspectives, and work collaboratively, skills that are increasingly recognized as crucial in many intellectual pursuits.

Moreover, being emotionally intelligent means, we’re better equipped to handle stress and setbacks, which can otherwise impair our cognitive functioning. By managing our emotions well, we can maintain a balanced state of mind that’s conducive to learning and intellectual growth. Therefore, as our EQ improves, it can also boost our IQ.

And why? 

As we expand and enrich our perspectives, we bring a more comprehensive version of ourselves to any challenges or situations we encounter.

Put another way.

We are functioning from a more complete understanding of ourselves, given that emotions encompass not just feelings and social elements but also cognitive aspects. Emotion and intellect can function separately but function optimally when working together.

Four Steps To Build Emotional Intimacy 

Step One: Identify what you are feeling.  

Remember NO details are needed—just the recognition of the emotion. 

If you are feeling fear, simply notice and acknowledge its presence without getting absorbed in any accompanying dramatics. If you are feeling more than one emotion at the same time, acknowledge this. If you are not sure what you are feeling, ask yourself as directly as possible: 

• Am I feeling sad? 

• Am I feeling shame? 

• Am I feeling peaceful? 

• Am I feeling disgusted? 

• Am I feeling happy? 

• Am I feeling guilt? 

• Am I feeling unhappy? 

• Am I feeling angry? 

• Am I feeling jealous? 

• Am I feeling afraid? 

• Am I feeling uncomfortable? 

And so forth.

Ask sincerely, and it’s likely that you’ll receive some kind of near-instant response to each question, usually in the form of a relatively visceral “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.” Look for such a response not in your thoughts but in your body and intuitive knowingness. 

Locating a Bodily Response
To locate a bodily response, notice where in your body you most clearly feel an increase or change in sensation when you ask any of the above questions. Then bring more attention to this place in your body, noticing what kind of answer—as to what you’reyou’re feeling—emerges. This may be verbal, nonverbal, or a combination of both. 

If, after asking these questions and not sensing a response, examine the general tone of what you are feeling: Is it pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? Is it a distant “”hum”” or is it more in the foreground? How steady is it?

Don’t Overlook your Possible Numbness. 
Numbness is an absence of feeling—the feeling of no-feeling—beneath which there is usually an abundance of emotion. If identifying what you are feeling is still elusive, pay closer attention to your bodily sensations (how your neck, belly, forehead, chest, and hands feel), noting their texture, intensity, depth, and movements. 

Place your attention—not your thinking mind but your bare attention or nonconceptual awareness—on whatever it is that you are feeling. (See the appendix for a meditative practice that grounds and clarifies this awareness.) Implicit in this first step toward becoming more intimate with emotions is the need to be more emotionally literate. 

In order to recognize and name the arising emotion, it is incumbent on us to be better educated about the collective characteristics of each of our emotions, along with our personal history with each of them.

Such education is a largely experiential undertaking, so it’s helpful here to approach our emotions not only intellectually but also with embodied curiosity and the spirit of discovery as if uncovering a continent of ourselves that has long been shrouded in fog and warnings to keep our distance. 

It is a far-from-predictable adventure; we may be surprised, for example, by how little we know about the major role that a particular emotion has played in our development and relational choices.    

Step 2: State what you’re feeling. 

Once you have identified what you’re feeling, it’s time to state this as simply and straightforwardly as you can.

Remember: This means no fluff, no smokescreens, no dramatics,  no obfuscation—just the bare facts. 

State the bare “facts””as opposed to more vague, debatable statements such as “I feel unheard” or “I feel like you’re not here for me””or “I feel I’m wasting my time here”—which aren’t actually expressing an emotional feeling. 

At such times what we’re actually sharing is our perception—or opinion—of what is going on rather than the simple fact of what we are feeling. So the practice here is to simply state the data. 

Saying, “I feel that you’re not hearing me” is a perception, but saying, “I feel angry” is data. The former is debatable; the latter is not. And at this point you can refrain from stating what you are angry or fearful or sad or happy about. 

It’s enough just to state the feeling itself. Practice directly stating what you are feeling in your relationships as much as possible. After you’ve said what you’re feeling, don’t immediately follow it with the details. 

If you’ve just said that you’re feeling angry, let the bare fact of that sink in, giving yourself—and your listener!—time to settle into and resonate with the reality of what you’ve just shared.

Not jumping too quickly into the storyline of what you’re feeling lowers the odds that you’ll lose yourself in emotional dramatics—as does not let your listener draw you into a debate, thereby making more room for you and your listener to simply be present with whatever you’re feeling.    

Step 3: Ensure the other person is hears what you’re saying.    

Clarify: He or she may be able to repeat back to you what you said—without truly having heard it—because they have not yet registered it at a feeling level. When they do, you will know it, sensing an emotional clicking-into-place between you and them, a palpable heightening of mutual empathy. 

Unfortunately, more than a few of us tend to give the cultivation of empathy and emotional resonance a backseat in our inter-changes, including with our partners. Without a significant degree of empathetic attunement, our dialogue can easily degenerate into an enervating argument, prolonged withdrawal, or heart-crushing distancing, in which what we are actually feeling becomes secondary to our interpretations of (and debates about) what is going on. 

So if you are on the receiving end, let in the other’sother’s sharing of their emotional whereabouts until you can clearly feel it—whether or not you like what’swhat’s being said! 

And if you are on the giving end? Keep it simple, resisting the temptation to cut loose with what you are angry or fearful or ashamed about. 

Don’t lose touch with what you’re feeling. Keep your mind out of it as much as possible, letting your empathy for your listener deepen as much as possible without in any way diluting what you are sharing with him or her. 

And if you are alone, breathe in what you know you are feeling, by taking sips of air. Stay with its rawness. 

Its storyline, however relevant, does not have to be given energy or attention at this point. Don’t argue with yourself. Don’t get into a debate with your inner critic about what you should be feeling. Stay consciously embodied, remaining aware of how you are breathing. 

Many of us want a quick, feel-better resolution when we are upset. Notice your urge to make this happen, and keep your focus on your bare feeling, bringing into your heart whatever desperation for resolution may be there, as if you are holding in your arms a distraught child. Access as much compassion as possible for yourself when what you’reyou’re feeling is far from comfortable.    

Step 4: Talk about the details without losing touch.    

The point of articulating the details is to flesh out the context of what you’re feeling, to make sense of it with regard to both your current circumstances and your conditioning. Once what you’re feeling is out in the open and acknowledged for what it is, then it’s quite natural to give it more context. 

This can be done both alone and in the company of others. If you are by yourself, resist getting into the details until your contact with what you’re feeling is deep enough to prevent you from being seduced by whatever dramatics accompanied the arising of your emotional state. 

In the context of a relationship, especially an intimate relationship, it’s essential to make feeling for, or emotionally resonating with, the other more important than whether they agree or disagree with the content of what you are saying. 

Make your connection with the other person primary and the working out of relevant details secondary. Doing so is much more effective—and efficient—than attempting to work out the details when you are insufficiently connected with each other. 

Not taking care of whatever emotional disconnection is present greatly increases the odds of slipping into mutual reactivity—which only reinforces the disconnection. If you’re losing touch with the other person as you get into the details, admit this as soon as possible and stop. Then go back to steps one and two, and remain with them until you feel more connection happening with the other. 

No rush. 

The time this takes is well worth it! 

Simply sharing what’s going on for you emotionally—in the simplest possible language—can shift things more quickly than getting wrapped up in the details. 

If you find that you’re still getting emotionally overwrought—somewhere between being “”hot under the collar”” and “”about to blow your lid””—resist reducing what you’re saying to courtroom dramatics. 

Back away from the content, doing nothing to fuel its contentiousness. 

Say that you can feel yourself getting reactive or overloaded without justifying this. Notice if there’s any underlying feeling occurring; you may, for example, be feeling a sadness that you are not sharing, going instead for the anger atop it. (And if you feel emotionally at a strongly reactive edge—whether you’re alone or with another—consider having a conscious rant.)  

Conclusion

These four steps—identifying, stating, sharing, and providing the relevant details of what you are feeling—are well worth making your own, along with your investigation of your emotions and emotional history. 

Be intuitive with these steps. Sometimes it will be enough to simply follow the first step only; at other times, it will be fitting to follow the first two, three, or all four. 

This is your own Emotional Literacy 101 training program; treat yourself with compassion throughout, neither rushing nor putting off your engagement in it. 

Happy Sharing!